Wild Woman

      I jokingly call myself a wild woman because I'm proud and hairy. I have PCOS, which means I have either a deficiency in estrogen, or too much testosterone as a result. Either way, it has caused me to grow facial hair. I am at the point in my life, where it doesn't bother me to walk around with a grown out beard or a mustache. I've been made fun of for not shaving my legs too, but that doesn't make it any easier to bend over to shave. I mean, I have to love myself. There really is no other way to live. I'm a 300lbs. woman with multiple disabilities. I'm not apologizing for my inability and/or unwillingness to keep up with modern beauty standards that are perpetuated by the mass media, who are likely led by mostly wealthy white men. 

     I have never worn stilleto heels, and I never will. I'm stuck in my diabetic shoes for now. I'm actually waiting on my custom insoles, so I can walk without pain in my feet, hips, and lower back. I've had a shaved head. I've had a mohawk. It's liberating to be honest. I'm  growing my hair back out now, many years later.

     There was a time in my life when I had to look at myself in a magnified mirror every morning to make sure I met the standards set for women. No more! I've lived a bra-less lifestyle, yes, at this size. I wasn't scared to be natural.

     I've added some piercings too. I have a shen men piercing in each ear. I have the cartilage pierced in my right ear. I have a nose stud in my right nostril, and a hoop in my left nostril. I have my nipples pierced! 

     Usually I wear a minimalist style of clothing that I can buy cheaply. My arms are too big for most sleeved shirts, so I choose tank tops that are loose. I am hot most of the time. So I tend to wear shorts year round. It's only when I don't plan on cleaning at all that I can wear my "nice" clothes. I recently started collecting items from Lane Bryant, now that I've figured out what sizes to buy.

     I do like having my toe nails polished, but I have a hard time reaching my feet. Caleb likes to paint my toe nails for me! I hardly ever wear makeup. When you have such little energy everyday, you really have to prioritize what's important to you. I don't bother worrying about my hair most days either, I just pull it back in a pony tail to keep it out of my face. 

     I have dreams of being my smaller self again. I would like to have more energy. I want to be able to kill it on the incline trainer, and still have a full day of productivity. I have smaller sized clothing just waiting for me!

     I don't know if I mentioned that I quit the keto diet the week of my birthday, in April. I wasn't losing weight. I'm back to drinking Diet Mountain Dew like it's water. I'm still vaping 6mg nicotine e-juice all day. 

     I want to have a family portrait session with a photographer. Caleb and I haven't had professional photos taken since 2013. I'm not as photogenic as I once was, but there will be a time when we look back, and that won't be the important thing. I just want to celebrate every day of living this new life. This life I have with my son, and my dog is wonderful. I've moved passed most of the hurting of my recent past. I'm learning to recover from my traumas, some of them I've shared, and others I haven't. I'm healing and I feel so much better than I did just months ago. I'm finding myself after having given everything I had to other people for years. I have relationships that are not abusive! I can express myself however I want, whenever I want, without being put down or shamed. I'm working on making my life better, and I don't have to face the hurdles that were in front of me for so long. 

     I'm learning not to judge myself for what I didn't know at the time. Actually, I'm being taught to not judge myself at all. It's a lot easier to not judge others, than it is to not judge myself, let me tell you. I'm taking classes that teach me to take back my personal power, so I can live my life to fullest. I am worthy of respect, love, and compassion, just as we all are. 

     It's a process to learn how to receive and accept the good things that are coming my way. I am worthy of  a happy life. I do not have to spend my life in anger and hatred, or fear. I am not responsible for what others have chosen to do to me or anyone else. I am not responsible for how people interpret me. Each of us only interprets as well as we understand. I do not owe anyone an explanation. I choose to leave my story for those who want to know, particularly my son. I will not live forever, and I do not want my story to be lost at my death. So, I will continue to write my blog, in the hopes that future generations find some meaning from it.