When I was in high school, I got involved with a non-denominational Christian youth group called Young Life. It was loads of fun, and gave me a reason and excuse to be away from the house. I met Kristen through a summer program held for youth the summer we moved to Southern Pines, NC. She taught my brother and me basic tennis skills. She invited me to group, and she was my link to freedom away from my dad and Sharon's house.
I think it was the summer after my sophomore year in high school that I went on 2 Young Life trips. The first one was a trip to Frontier Ranch, Colorado. It was a big deal. I was going without my brother, and that never happened. It was well worth the babysitting and fundraising I had to do to be able to afford to go. The second trip was a girls' only backpacking trip in the Carolina Mountains. It took a lot for me to go to both because I did not have any friends going with me. I went for myself, by myself, and was alone even though I was surrounded by other people. To this day, I remember those trips fondly, and actually wish for my son to have the opportunity to do something similar.
I felt different from the other kids. I had a lot on my mind all the time. I lived in fear of what was going to happen next. They seemed perpetually happy, and I so wasn't. I longed to be able to decompress. I wanted to make friends, but the other girls in my cabin had already been friends for years, and I was the "new" girl that didn't really fit in with their golf club and brunch kind of lifestyle.
I got kinda lost for a while, as I grew older, but I found my way back to God. I always found my way back. I felt safer with Jesus on my side. I could never remember Bible verses, but I would read the Bible I received from Young Life all the time. It was much easier to read than the King James version. Even in my darkest moments, I believe I have always had a good heart.
Jesus carried me through 2 cycles of basic training. Every march we did, especially when I was exhausted and fatigued, I wasn't moving myself but being moved by a higher power. When I was in medic training. I went to bed not remembering a thing we had studied during the day, but every Friday I passed the test that we had to take to proceed. I give it to God. It wasn't me. I was just there. When I counselled others to be brave in training, it wasn't me. I was not immune from fear. I had more reason to be fearful than anyone. It was Jesus working through me.
While I was at Ft. Sam Houston, TX, I called my dad one day to check in. He gave me the news about George Libby's death. I did not even know he enlisted in the Army, and now he was dead! He was a Specialist and an Airborne Ranger. My brother was friends with his younger brother in high school. I didn't know him well, as I only met him once, but hearing about his death in Afghanistan broke my heart. I immediately feared for Mathew's life. Being in medic training meant I couldn't be there to rescue him, if needed. My mind went all kinds of crazy and I bawled tears for hours until my eyes were nearly swollen shut. How could I be a medic and let my brother die down range? It killed me on the inside. My heart was so heavy from it. I had to pray. That was what was going to free me from this burden I carried of things I have no control over.
After I got my Field Grade Article 15, seemed like I was always in silent prayer. I didn't know what to expect. When I went to the airport to fly to South Korea, guess what? I cried and I prayed.
Jesus helps me be stronger than I am alone. When I struggled in Korea with my bosses, I gave it to God. When I found out I was pregnant, I prayed. I prayed over my newborn baby for his health and safety.
Anytime I find myself in a situation I can't manage alone, I pray about it. When I was a younger child, I would pray before, during, and after being hit by my dad. I never knew if I was going to die one day from his anger. I prayed to live with my mom.
I remember this time before Winter Break, we were in elementary school, and been caught stealing cigarettes from my friends' parents' supply. My dad beat us over and over again with that leather belt, so badly that it left bruises and marks on my forearms that I had to hide from my grandparents that holiday. It hurt to be touched. It took the whole break to heal. I prayed to end my life.
There were other times, in my early childhood, that I was suicidal due to my dad's rage. I just didn't want to live through that anymore.
All that aside, I am still blessed. I am a grown adult, with a place to live, a child of my own, a fur baby who loves me unconditionally, food on the table (with the help of my Aunt Lisa), a vehicle to drive, healthcare, money to pay bills, and now I am working on inner peace.
Our father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed by thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On Earth As it is in Heaven,
Give us this day,
Our Daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us,
Lead Us not in temptation,
But Deliver us from Evil,
For Yours is the kingdom,
The Power, The Glory,
Forever, And ever,
In Jesus' name we pray,
Amen.
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