Mental confusion

     Lately, within the last week or so, I have had some mental confusion. Yesterday, at the end of the day, I was looking over my daily notes for the day, and didn't remember doin things or going places that I went. I had to ask my son. I have been having trouble writing the blog. I have so much to write, and nothing comes to mind when I sit in front of my computer. It's strange.
     I know that I am overworked, and tired. Even on my painful days, I feel guilty for not washing the dishes or collecting the trash to be taken out. I feel like someone is watching me, or is going to inspect at any moment. At one point in my life, it actually was that way. When I was in the Army, there was no such thing as privacy. Everything had to according to regulation and standards.
     I have been drinking more Diet Mountain Dew than usual the last few days. One day, I drank too much, too fast, and made myself sick. I know I said I wasn't going to buy anymore, but you've got to understand the pressures I'm under. Caleb is home with me every second of the day. He requires supervision at all times. I take most of my medications at night, so I won't be so drowsy during the day, but I have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea pretty much guarantees a non-restful nights sleep, even with the CPAP. I have depression and fibromyalgia, and I'm tired a lot of the time. The only way I know how to combat the sleepiness during the day, is with a caffeinated drink. My preference just happens to be the Diet Mountain Dew. I have diabetes, so it has to be sugar-free.
     I need rest. I need sleep, even if it is during the day. I have to listen to my body more than I have been. When it is telling me to stop, I need to STOP. Although I am now over 300lbs., there is this petite younger version of me with energy to spare guiding my actions like I am still her. I am far from her. I am not in shape. I am morbidly obese. I want my life to change for the better. How do I do that, if I can't manage to stay awake?
     Yesterday my son took care of me. He gave me a pedicure, and painted my toe nails for me. I struggle to reach. He put on my favorite movies, Harry Potter. He made us a tuna snack. He brought me my drinks. He put my socks and shoes back on my feet. I just needed a break at the time, and wanted to lay down on the couch.
     Last night, he noticed I was going to bed without eating dinner. I had already taken my night time medications, which I usually take after eating dinner because some require to be taken with food. I just wasn't hungry. I was exhausted. I went back to the couch, and he says, " I didn't see you eat anything other than eggs today. You need to eat dinner." He proceeds to heat up some Uncle Ben's Ready Rice, the wild kind, and some Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup. He brings them to me on the couch. He also made sure I had drinks, because I wake up during the night and am thirsty. He turns on another Harry Potter movie, because they are my favorite. He makes sure I am covered with my weighted blanket, and asks if I want him to cuddle with me. Of course I do! He lays next to me on the couch, which is hardly big enough for the two of us. I scratch his back, he is always itchy where he can't reach. Eventually he gets up because he still has loads of energy, and feeds Bella. He had already eaten by the time I made it to the couch. He made himself boiled baby carrots in cinnamon, basil, and garlic salt. He wanted to play, and I had to explain to him that when I hurt like that, I don't want to rough house. He wanted to be tickled.
     I still managed to do a few things earlier in the day. I prepared this week's daily schedule, I attended my WoVen women veterans' group online. I started to clean the kitchen, but didn't finish. I did my guided meditation that I am trying to do daily. I bought Bella's flea and tick medication so it would be here in time for when she needs to take it again.
     According to my Aunt, I should be kind to myself. I'm not sure I know how to do that. All my life, what I have done, and accomplished, has never been enough. I don't even know where I am in that thought process. I was heavily influenced by my family, my abusive "parents". I am in therapy currently. I have to learn how to unlearn these patterns of thought. I want to evolve, move on and grow into a healthier version of me. I am also using these empowerment statements from my Shift Network course. When I do the meditation from the course, and the empowerment statement, I feel different immediately. It's truly amazing. I can't wait until Mona Delfino gets to the part of the course where she helps us with childhood and trauma. I know from deep within me, that I need whatever she is going to give us.
     It feels like it is time to smudge the house again. I like using white sage to bless the house and rid it of anything that does not serve us to the higher good. Once, I smudged the house, this was just after my dad and his partner moved out. The electricity went out for no reason, multiple times throughout the night. The air seemed lighter afterwards. I had no doubt they had negative energies about them, the amount of baggage they carry is more than an LMTV could carry. I wasn't expecting that reaction from the house itself though. Just to be on the safe side, I smudge the house on a regular, usually monthly basis.
     When I feel like I can't connect to my body, I like to spray myself with a white sage spray that I bought from Maha Living, if I am not mistaken. It works for me. I become disconnected regularly. I am sure this is because I have been abused, and it is a way I have learned to protect myself. I want to unlearn it.
     I also like to light candles and incense sticks. I think I am more of a witch, than I believe. I have crystals throughout the house. I have Himalayan salt pieces too. I haven't learned how to use them yet, but I feel better that they are here. I recently bought a frequency tarot deck. I tried it yesterday, and it was absolutely right. I doubted that I could gain anything from it, I won't lie. I feel I am pretty self-aware. The layout suggested that I am stuck in a cycle, need to rest for as long as it takes, and start new. It also suggested that I am suffering from emotional remains of my past, which I am.
     I remember being at a bookstore, browsing the metaphysical section, when I had free time from training at Ft. Sam Houston. A man approached me and whispered in my ear, "Sexy witch". He disappeared, and I had a hard time believing he ever existed. Did that actually happen? I was in my own little world at the time, and it caught me off guard. I was then, and am still now, very innocent and naïve in the ways of Magic. I was in my early twenties at the time. Interesting that I should remember that now.