Today's prompt is " Today was tough because ___." Today was tough because I struggled to stay awake. I struggled with drinking enough water to not be thirsty. I suffer from diabetic thirst and dry mouth, which means I am thirsty nearly all the time. I was successful in limiting my Diet Mountain Dew consumption, however. So that's a win for the day. It was hot outside again, and I really wanted ice water all day. I didn't get any chores done again today. I am just tired, so tired. The outside heat drains the life out of me very quickly. The sunshine was a nice change to the rain and thunder storms.
I woke up drenched in sweat. It's only 2:03 am now. I wanted to write about how Mona Delfino's class with the Shift Network has helped me, but I am having brain fog. The class was given an "anchoring exercise" which helped me feel differently in my body immediately afterwards. I have been wanting a way to really feel grounded, as sometimes I feel I am not in my body. This exercise puts me back where I want to be. The empowerment statements she offers are powerful and effective in helping me change how I feel about myself.
I googled "vaginal vibrations while sleeping" because I have been feeling as if I have been sleeping on a vibrator under the cushion of the couch. It is called "internal tremors," and can be affected my caffeine, stress, anxiety, Multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's and a few other causes. It's just another reason to not drink so much caffeine. It keeps me from relaxing because I can't feel like I'm being still when I lay down. I'm in constant motion. The tremors travel around my body, and I have no control over it. It's frustrating to be exhausted, and only want to sleep, and then not be able to.
I'm not able to think this morning. I just want ice water and to go back to bed, so maybe I'll add more later.
It's now 5:37 am, and I have started reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown, a book my Aunt Lisa sent me to read. It has been sitting by the couch for more than a week now. I haven't picked up any books lately. Since I feel like it's time to get up, I decided I would give it a try. I can't sleep, as I'm tossing and turning and can't get comfortable. So far, I like what I've read. It mirrors what I was taught in the first module of Mona Delfino's class. Self-acceptance is important to healing. I don't know why my standards are so high for myself. I don't consider myself a perfectionist. I can be my own worst enemy by being so self-judgmental. On the one hand, I like to learn and make changes, and do better than I did before. On the other hand, my self-talk needs work. I don't know how I got to be so negative. It doesn't help that I still believe that I can do just as much as a non-disabled person, which is a lie. So I really get down on myself when I don't live up to my own expectations. My Aunt Lisa tells me to remember to be kind to myself. I try to remember her words often, because change is hard. I have lived this way my entire life. I have not always been considered "disabled", but I have always struggled with my disabilities. There are a few that are new, a few I picked up in my Army service, and a few I've had for as long as I can remember. Everyday is a struggle for one reason or another, and I feel it would be so much easier if I didn't have so many health conditions affecting me. It's one of the reasons I wanted to work on becoming non-diabetic. I think it is within my realm of control to go back to "normal." My dad use to say that I don't give myself enough credit for what I have accomplished. He would then list the things I have done and tell me that I am in a small percentage of the American population, that many people have not done as much.
I'm not very social. I think I've mentioned that my life has not changed considerably since the stay-at-home order. I don't have many friends who give me feedback, or even talk to me on a regular basis. I'm rather solitary. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here, or anywhere for the matter. I have spent the past few years focusing my energies and efforts on other people's care and welfare- primarily my dad and Sharon. I gave myself up for the sake of others. It didn't matter that I was exhausted. It didn't matter that I was increasingly unhappy. It didn't matter that they were too needy for me to take on.
Being around many people at once makes me nervous. I want to go the annual Blueberry Festival, but I can't shake the anxiety the thought of going with all those people there brings. I have had seizures, and don't risk taking long drives anymore, anyway. I haven't had a seizure in more than a year, but the fear is still there. My PTSD doesn't help matters. Then, I feel guilty about having PTSD! Its ridiculous really. I don't know. Just because I have never been deployed to the Middle East, doesn't mean I can't have things that trigger irrational/over-reactive thoughts/actions.
Prior to my dad and Sharon moving in, I had a seizure and was not able to drive for 6 months. I was also suffering from my depression pretty heavily. I would wake up in the morning to take Caleb to the bus stop, and return home and go back to bed. Some days, I wouldn't leave the couch at all until Caleb came back home. Most days it was like that. I was calling my dad everyday before they moved in. Talking to him made me happy. I otherwise had no one to talk to. I mean think about it. Most people my age have jobs and work 9-5. They can't talk to me during school hours. I was so lonely. I knew having my dad around, would help me get off the couch during the day. I miss the better parts of my dad. I hate that the last memory I have of him was so negatively charged and hateful towards Caleb and me.
I hope my dad gets the care he needs to heal from his traumas. I'm surprised he hasn't been put in jail. He has 2 criminal charges against him and a failure to appear to court. I'm not looking forward to having to testify against him. I don't want to be the reason he goes to jail, but damnit! You can't choke a fucking child! It's not right! He tried to claim that was self-defense! WTF?! Are you fuckin kidding me? I was in total disbelief when he admitted to choking Caleb to the police, and claimed self-defense as the reason. If you could see my dad, who stands at 6 feet tall, and 260lbs., claiming that he was trying to protect himself from my 10 year old, who was only maybe 5 feet tall and 100 lbs. at the time. It's stupid. Caleb did not have a weapon. My dad's arms are longer than Caleb's. He was choking Caleb, and Caleb was trying to get away. He could have killed his own grandson! Obviously I am not over it. It upsets me to the core. Everyday he claimed to love Caleb and then he did that. That's NOT love.
Caleb wanted to kill himself, and was almost successful twice. He was inhaling aerosols and passed out. He ended up in the hospital. Thank God it didn't cause permanent damage, and I caught him both times. Gotta be like a hawk with this kid. Always watching. Just another reason for PTSD.
I thought having more adults in the house would HELP me, not cause more problems. Motherfucker! I just want to smash some shit right now, thinking about this shit from last year. We are almost at the 1 year anniversary. Maybe that's why it's coming out again.
Dear Holy Spirit, forgive me for the hatred that lives within me. Help me heal from my traumas so that I can teach my son how to live a good life despite the assholes he may come across. AMEN.
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