5 Year Journal Day 219

     Today's prompt is "Who are you?" I am Jennifer Lynn de Mello from beginning to end. I have never changed my name, and I will never change my name. 

     It is now 2:49 a.m. here and Caleb has been awake since about 1:00 a.m. I finally got up after not being able to stay asleep. Caleb just made us hot dogs. Yesterday, I got up around 9 in the morning, and found out that I got paid, so I went to work paying the bills. After I paid the bills, I began writing my pen pal, Deborah Forbes. I only wrote one page front and back, and felt that it was not enough to send. I was hungry but did not have any bread in the house to make a sandwich, so I made some Progresso soups. I like to mix the lasagna style soup with the Minestrone. I then took my medications. By that time, it was already almost noon. I got very tired very quickly after eating soup and taking my medications, so I went to my bed for a nap. I stayed in bed from about noon to about 5:30 p.m. I was just sooo tired. 

     So, because I slept all afternoon, I was not able to get anything done. I don't know what came over me. I just crashed after I ate brunch. 

     Today is Caleb's birthday! He is a New Year's Eve baby! He turns 12 today. I cannot believe he has grown so much. I remember him as a baby. It does not seem like it has been 12 years already. He has a few surprises coming his way today. I hope he likes them all!

     Today Caleb has one appointment. It will his final occupational therapy appointment. He will graduate from OT. Other than that, I have no plans for myself. I want to take Caleb out to eat a chimichanga. He keeps asking about them, and it is time he try one. 

     We are not having a party for Caleb's birthday or for New Year's Eve. As a matter of fact, I will probably be in bed before 8:00 p.m. 

     I have been having alot of anger in my head about Caleb's biological father. I am reliving what happened, and getting angry about how my life changed forever when I got pregnant by a stranger. I am angry about 12 years of single parenting a child with special needs, while trying to take care of myself too. I have given up so much, sacrificed so much. He does not even know about Caleb. It had no effect on him whatsoever. A part of me wants to see his life changed forever in the most horrible way possible. Just out of the blue, wham! A rape charge with news of a child being born, who is now 12 years old. I am just so angry about it. I could not even write about it until now. 

     I love Caleb enough to care about his feelings, or I would have done just that when it first occurred to me. I don't want Caleb to feel bad. I do want his father to be held accountable for his actions and what happened as a result. It is so unfair and unjust towards me. I feel like I have been punished for being a woman in the Army, who drank alcohol one night. 

     At the very least, he owes us child support. I am on food stamps and going to a food pantry every month. He should be preventing that. I should not have to ask my Aunt Lisa for money to make it through the month. If I could not feel her love for me and Caleb, I would be so ashamed. 

     I did belong to groups for  Military Sexual Trauma (MST) Survivors. I don't feel like I belong there. I was not violently assaulted. I was forced into a pregnancy that I did not plan with a man I had no relationship with. 

     Anyway, I am suppose to talk to Aunt Lisa about going to report rape. I have to think about how it will impact my family, more than how it will impact his. I don't give a fuck if he loses everything, because I already lost my career in the Army when I got pregnant. 

     I just gave Caleb his birthday presents. He got a pair of basketball shoes in his size to replace the ones he has that he has outgrown. He got a Minecraft hat, and a multi-colored unicorn onesie pajama! He wanted all those things. He loves unicorns these days. 

     I do love Caleb. I hate how he was conceived. I hate that I had to parent him alone. I hate the hoops I had to jump through to keep us from being homeless or going out of food. 

     He is happy with his new stuff, and I am a happy mama for him. He brings me such joy sometimes. He frustrates the hell out of me most times. I am glad to have him with me now, during this pandemic.

     I am just going to take things real nice and slow. I'm going to take my iron pill and orange juice and go lay down. I wish I had the book lights that Aunt Lisa bought for me already, because I would use them now. I have lots of reading to do, but bad lighting in my room. 

5 Year Journal Day 218

     Today's prompt is "Today you destroyed _____." Nothing. I did not destroy anything.

     It is now 1:24 a.m. here. Yesterday I felt much better, and back to normal. I was able to start the laundry again, handwash most of the other dishes that needed cleaning, and clean up the countertop for the water filter tank. I put together the countertop water filtration unit and we are now using it! I made dinner in the crockpot, chicken breasts, chicken thighs, and chili beans, with a side of broccoli. It turned out good. I got Caleb to take the kitchen trash out, bring the trash bins back to the house, and put away the dishes in the dishwasher and the dish strainer. 

     When I type it out, it doesn't sound like much, but it's all time consuming, and the afternoon passed quickly. We went out to Publix to try to buy some bread, but they did not have the kind we wanted ready yet. When we came home, I had to charge the Mazda battery because the Mazda did not want to start without a jumpstart.

     Yesterday afternoon, I chatted with Billy, Caleb's cousin, and found out he is not as closely related as we originally thought. He is actually a 4th cousin, and not a second cousin. He is still trying to help me.

     I told him about the only way to 100% find Caleb's father is to report a rape, and have the police run Caleb's DNA against the DOD DNA bank. 

     I'm actually really tired. I just got up because I was really thirsty, and wanted to go ahead and take my iron pill and orange juice. I will have to finish writing this later.

 

5 Year Journal Day 217

     Today's prompt is "What was the last time you were on an airplane?" When I flew from Korea to Atlanta, Georgia with Caleb.

     It is now 1:40 a.m. here. Yesterday was an exciting but unproductive day. I was just so tired. I did not get out of bed until almost noon again. When I got up, I was still tired. I was tired all day long despite my efforts to revive myself with Diet Mountain Dew.

     Caleb got a package with a gift card in it and some books, and wanted to go spend the Walmart gift card yesterday. I took him to Walmart. He went inside, while I stayed in the Mazda. He knew what he wanted, so he did not take long at all. I did not go inside to attempt to prevent myself from spending money on my credit card on things we do not need right this minute. 

     We came home, and I always check my phone before exiting the vehicle. Someone had messaged me on myHeritage, and facebook messenger too. It was a man named Billy Johnson-Honey, and he sent me the screen shot of his relationship to Caleb from myHeritage. He is Caleb's likely second cousin from his father's side! We chatted on facebook messenger, and I asked him if could help me find Caleb's father. Billy is a veteran too. He agreed to help me! I couldn't believe it! 

     It was too much for me to handle, even though I shared the news with Stella, Rachel, and eventually my mom, and Aunt Lisa. I was exhausted. My head felt like it needed to explode. I needed a nap badly. So I was going to lay down when I got a call from the VA pharmacist. I had forgotten all about that appointment. 

     Dr. Karels, Amanda is her name, and she specializes in diabetes. She wants me to start taking my blood sugar numbers at least 2-3 times a week to determine if more glipizide is needed to control my blood sugar. We talked about weight loss medication, and will discuss it more at our next appointment after she has more information about how my diabetes is doing. She might either increase my glipizide or change to another diabetes medication that may help with weight loss too. She seemed happy to hear the answers to her questions about my diet and exercise, along with other health questions. She was very pleasant to work with, and I look forward to having her help me manage my diabetes in the future.

     Right now, I am very awake. I could not go back to sleep. I was tossing and turning. I went to sleep around 8:30, which is my normal time. We had dinner late because I did eventually go take a long nap. I don't know why I am feeling so fatigued. I wish I had more control over my energy levels during the day. I have so much I need to get done. I need to be able to work during the days, and sleep during the nights. 

     I can't help but feel I would be better with a grounding device to use throughout the day and night. I bought a black tourmaline bead necklace and am waiting for it to arrive in the mail. I also bought an empath protection necklace, made with amethyst, black tourmaline, hematite, and shungite. I hope these will help, but there is only way to know to for sure of the effects on me and that is to try them. 

     I have no energy to even read my book. I really want to read it. I have a new medication chest of drawers that needs to be put together, and a water filtration countertop unit that I need to assemble too. I need to put together the carpet cleaner machine. I was supposed to get more of the laundry done yesterday and didn't. I was going to clean up the kitchen more, and I didn't. I really just didn't get anything done. I hate days like that because I know that I have to get these things done. I just want to be productive during the day. I want to be making progress everyday. My body does not allow that. 

     I have mixed feelings about finding Caleb's father. On the one hand, I would be happy for Caleb to know who his father is. On the other hand, I am not looking forward to expressing my feelings about how things went down. It's so important that I get that book read, and quickly. I need to know how to handle my emotions before anything else happens. I need to know how to block other people's illnesses and emotions too. 

     Today, it just depends on if I am tired when I get up, on what I will do. I will not spend another day fighting this fatigue. I will spend the day in bed if that is what I need. I hope that I can recover quickly. I checked my temperature, just to be sure. It was a normal temperature reading. 

     I want to cleanse my crystals , my tarot, and my oracle deck. The crystals need to be charged. I cannot help but think I am being prepared for something big to happen and my body is just in preparation mode to take it on. 

     I have been sleeping with my far infrared fabric. It helps with my pain. It's supposed to help with circulation too. 

     I still haven't changed my shoes to my new diabetic shoes I got a few months ago. I don't want to ruin them. LOL I'm comfortable in my old shoes. My feet don't hurt and they are perfect for sliding on and off. 

    I want to try to sell some of my things on poshmark but am afraid because I don't know how to calculate shipping without some an app and a scale or something. I do not know how poshmark works. I have never used it before. I want to sell at least my new skates, a pair of boots, a purse, and maybe some jewelry. I might have some clothes, but I don't think they will sell.  

     Caleb is asleep in the living room, and Bella boo boo is asleep on my bed. It is now 3:07 a.m. here. I am going to take my iron pill and orange juice and go lay down. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 216

    Today's prompt is "What do you lie about?" I don't know. I don't lie, because I wouldn't be able to keep up with the lies, and it's easier on me to tell the truth. Besides, telling the truth saves time and energy, and it's the right thing to do. 

     It is now 12:22 a.m. here. Caleb is finally asleep. Bella is curled up in my bed. Yesterday was a slow moving day. I was slow moving, rather. I did not get out of bed until almost noon. I did not start doing anything until almost 2 p.m. I washed a couple loads of laundry. I unclogged the bathroom sink drain with the snake. I had Caleb take the trash to the roadside for pickup today. I got Caleb to pick up his laundry from the hallway floor and put it into a basket to be washed. I got Caleb to put away 2 baskets of his clean clothes in his room, and give me the baskets back. 

     Caleb played for most of the day. I got some of my medications in the mail, and Caleb got a package from a group I had not heard of before in Arkansas. They were gifts that were donated. He received a couple gardening books and a wall calendar, as well as a gift card! I know this was due to Violet's request for us, since she is the only one I know from Arkansas. I wish I could thank her again.

     Today I have an appointment on the phone with a pharmacist at the VA who specializes in Diabetes medication. I will be talking to her about increasing my insulin sensitivity and finding something to help me lose weight. 

     Other than that, there is nothing really going on. I am taking it slow for as long as I can. I just don't feel like I have energy. I am still tired. I was tired yesterday when I woke up. 

     It is nice and comfortable in here, not too cold, not too warm, just right. 

     I plan on raking the hallway at some point. Yes, I use a rake to gather the small things on the floor into a pile. I cannot bend over like I could when I was thinner. This makes it easier on me. Anyway, I will rake the hallway floor and collect whatever is left now that Caleb has picked up the dirty laundry. I will shop vac the hallway, pet vac the hallway, and then clean with the new carpet cleaner machine. 

     I will continue to wash laundry until it is all clean, folded, and put away. I want to start the new year with a cleaner home. 

     If I have nothing to do on Tuesday, I can clean the full bathroom. It needs to be cleaned from top to bottom. I need to buy more draino for the bathtub drain. I need to throw away the things I will never use that were given to me. They are taking up space and creating clutter. Most of them have been used to almost gone when they were given to me. 

     Creating clean spaces in the house is cathartic. It helps me clear my mind as well as clean the house. 

     I found some of my socks, but am still missing quite a few. I don't know where they went. I keep my dirty socks in a pile in my room until I am ready to wash them, so they do not get lost. You would think that would be enough to keep them together, but apparently not. 

     Friday, a guy is supposed to come over and at the minimum remove the recliner from the living room and the couch from the porch. Hopefully he will be able to fit more than that in the load that is being hauled away. I am trying to save cash on hand for that, and not spend any money. It is not easy. We go through alot of bread in this house. Caleb can and has eaten whole loaves in the middle of the night before. I have enough orange juice, which I always have to keep in stock. I have enough meats for dinners. I just bought more vegetables, which brought my balance in my account to less than $100 that I was going to use to have the furniture hauled away. 

     I know we can make it until Thursday, when I get paid. I just hate being in this position. 

     I am not going to go to Donna's for dinner when Alisa and her family returns. I feel like shit, and do not want to be around people. Besides, Alisa just went to visit family in West Virginia for a week, and is going to "quarantine" as much as possible while still going to work. I just don't wanna. 

     I have not been able to read more of that book yet. I am trying to get things the way I want them in my house, while people are on leave and we don't have appointments to go to. I have spent so much energy running around this month, that I really haven't made any progress. I have just barely been able to keep up with the kitchen which is in daily use.  

     I am on a cleaning mission. I have alot of goals I want to complete. I want to restore order to my daily life, and safety in my home. With all this mess, it is not only a fire hazard, but a falling hazard. 

     I am almost out of my multivitamins and I ordered from Swanson Vitamins at the beginning of December and have not received my order. I am growing impatient, and do not want to have to buy more multivitamins from the store, when I bought some and they are not here yet. 

     I think I am going to move the laundry around and get it started again. I would then like to read for awhile, while it is quiet in here, and I have no expectations of myself to be doing anything else. Of course, I can't forget to take my iron pill and orange juice. I will do that before anything else, because I will forget if I don't. 

       

5 Year Journal Day 215

     Today's prompt is "Describe the room you are right now." I am in the common area of the house where I have the dining table. It is open to the kitchen area and living room area. Right now, it is a hot mess and cluttered with junk, but I am working to fix that. 

     It is now 1:03 a.m. here. Yesterday was a productive day. It took me a long time to get moving, so I did not start working until the afternoon. Once I started, though, I really did not stop, except to take breaks. I was able to load the dishwasher and run it, start the laundry in the washing machine, handwash as many dishes as I could fit into the dish strainer, soak some dishes, pick up trash from the floor, and make a huge salad. 

     I had Caleb remove the full bag of trash from my room that I picked up the day before yesterday, take the kitchen trash out, take the kitchen recycling out. take the full bag I collected around the kitchen table out, and take out the recycling from around my workspace. 

     It doesn't sound like much, but believe me, it was an all afternoon affair. For every time I asked Caleb to do something, the answer was "No. I don't want to help." or "No, I don't want to work." It was beginning to frustrate the hell out of me when I text my Aunt Lisa that I was having a hard time. By that time, it was dark outside, and I had been repeating myself alot already. I was just trying to get as much trash and recycling out of the house as possible. When I called my Aunt Lisa, I was having trouble getting Caleb to pick up his dirty clothes from the common area floors. I was trying to get all the dirty laundry in the laundry room to be washed. He gave me such a hard time about it, I was going to start taking away things, like electronics, or Christmas presents. I mentioned that his birthday is coming up too. I wouldn't want to have to cancel his birthday. nothing worked. Eventually I took my night time medications and went to lay down. He became more loveable at that time. 

     Earlier in the day, Caleb got his ass chewed out. I was stern in the way I talked to him, and loud too. If anyone was watching, they could tell I was former military. I told him about himself. I told him he was on the route to killing me. He was going out to the park and in to neighbors' houses without a mask on. I told him he would be the reason I die. He was going to give me Covid-19 because he doesn't think about what he does before doing it. I went on a long schpeel. It wasn't to make him feel bad, it was to make him aware of the consequences of his actions, and get him to wake up to the dangers of spreading diseases to me. 

     I also told him that it was fine by me to die. I'm ready to die. I am in pain alot, and I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to clean this house after the messes he makes. This is not the life I want to live. I am not happy. If he wants me to die, that's fine. I will die. I have made my peace. 

     I told him that I provide everything for him, and all I wanted was to have a clean home. He needs to take responsibility for the messes he creates, and clean them up. I am not his maid. I do not get paid to pick up after him. Not to mention, that I can't bend over for very long or very well for that matter. He throws everything on the floor. I told him if he doesn't pick his stuff up and put it in his room (toys) that I was going to throw them away. He brings them out and then just leaves them wherever. I mean we have months worth of "I don't care" remnants going on around here. I am constantly trying to clean this mess up, and it gets worse. I am not making progress, because he refuses to change. I am not going to keep trying to do something where he is actively working against me. I am tired of it. 

     There are things I want to be doing and can't do because I have to work on the house cleaning. I am doing this every day, and it's too much. I shouldn't have to work so hard to keep this small house clean. I really shouldn't. 

     When he told me he didn't want to clean up today, I asked him if he wanted to live on the streets. I have had enough of this behavior. Enough! I told him "You don't pay bills, you don't work, you don't have a job, and you don't go to school. See how far that gets you in life living on the streets!" 

     The thing is, he was the one getting angry! I would ask him to do something that would take him less than a minute to do, and he was the one getting angry because I asked him to work! WTF? When I was his age, I was running the house! I did the family's laundry, I cooked meals, I washed dishes by hand, and I cleaned up. I don't appreciate his attitude, and it's just the day after Christmas. He got to open his presents on Christmas Eve. What could he possibly be upset about?

     We have had this conversation many times before. I need help cleaning the house. I am disabled and can only do so much. It is important to have a clean house. We want to prevent diseases, not attract them. We want to keep pests away, not attract them. 

     I did not lose my temper, but I was getting frustrated by the fact that he played all day and was free to do what he wanted, and when I ask him to do something he tells me "No." I was working, so he should have been working. 

     Later I told him "You know I am disabled. I have good days and I have bad days. On my good days, I can get alot of work done. On my bad days, I can't do anything at all. On my in-between days, I can get a little work done. You have seen this, right?" He says "Yes." I said, " I need you to be on my schedule. When I work, you work. When I don't work, you don't work." I went on to say, "Isn't that how it is? When I don't work, I don't ask you to do anything, right?" He answers, "Yes." "Well," I said, "when I am working, I need your help to get the most done we can get done."    

     So, we went to lay down earlier than usual. Caleb took his night time medication around 6:30 p.m. or so. He normally takes it around 7:30 p.m. or so. He said he was tired so. 

     I was feeling ok, as far as pain goes, yesterday. I took Midol Complete and was able to get some house cleaning done. I have not done much as far as cleaning is concerned this past week, so I had alot to catch up on. Not to mention that there were Christmas packages left on the floor.

     Anyway, so my day was busy and productive. I communicated effectively my needs and wants to Caleb. There was no physical violence between us, and that is an improvement. Caleb use to get physically violent with me when things did not go his way. It has taken months to get him to change his behavior, but I believe we have finally made it. He is getting better at verbal communication, which is why he was in speech therapy to begin with. He graduated speech therapy at the end of last school year. He only has one more occupational therapy appointment and then he is done with that. One of the things he has been working on is his anger and have to behave when he gets angry. 

     I got to light my candles, all 6 of them, and a frankincense and a myrrh incense stick. I kept my candles lit all afternoon. It was nice. I feel like I can work better with candles lit. 

     Today, we are picking up where we left off with the house cleaning. I did not want to work today, but I do need clean socks! I can't seem to find all my dirty socks in order to be able to wash them, and the same with my underwear and bras. It's like where did they all go? Caleb had at least 4 packs of white socks, and all he gave me was maybe 3 pairs of socks to wash. What happened to all of his socks that I bought and Aunt Lisa bought? I swear we have a dirty sock thief in the house. 

     I am back to drinking my Dew like normal. It seems I cannot fully function without them. I have trouble keeping my eyes open, and can never seem to get enough sleep, even though I go to bed around 8:00 p.m. nightly. 

     I am ready to go back to sleep. It is now 2:07 a.m. and Caleb is awake. He is playing on his computer. I am going to take my iron pill with orange juice and go lay down with Bella. She never got up from the bed when I got up. She is too comfortable there. 

     I finally put the heater on in the house. It was 43 degrees in here, and Bella was shivering. I did not want my fur baby to be cold, so I put the heat at 55 degrees. It made a difference, and was probably good for the heater to be used too. It was the first time I used it this year. Now we are all comfortable. 

5 Year Journal Day 214

     Today's prompt is "Do you need a cold shower?" No.

     It is now 1:55 a.m. here. Yesterday was Christmas Day. It was going ok until I got a call from Billy saying his girlfriend needed a ride to the hospital for kidney pain. I quickly took my medications, had something to eat, and took a shower. We drove to Wilmington to pick her up, but when we got there, she did not want to go to the hospital. We did not stay long, as I am still on my period and had no intention of spending the day there. My plans were set forth in the blog from yesterday. While I was there, though, something strange happened. I started feeling pain in my right side, where my kidney is. I don't think that has ever happened before. I was feeling Nicole's pain in my body. I was ready to go home and rest with some books. 

     We came home, and I had a late lunch of leftovers. I called Granny and Pepere and wished them a Merry Christmas. I then went to lay down and slept for a few hours. When I got up, I made some Progresso soup for my dinner, and made Caleb and myself some grilled cheese sandwiches. They were awesome.

     I didn't stay awake longer than to take my medications. I was still very tired. I am still very tired. I feel like I could sleep a whole week through. 

     Mom called me on the way home, and wished us a Merry Christmas. I spoke with Aunt Lisa on the way home too. She was doing a massive undertaking of clearing space in the basement. 

     So that was our Christmas Day.

     Today, I am glad we made through Christmas. There is just alot of societal pressure to keep up with expectations during this season that are hard on me. I was blessed this year for sure, to have so much support. 

     I even had a good hair day!

     My hair is growing out nicely. I have been able to wear it down because it is cold outside. 

     I did not get through alot of my book that I am reading yesterday, before I fell asleep. 

     Today, we will need to do some house cleaning. I did not get to the laundry yesterday, and I did not set up the alkaline water filtration unit. I need to also clean up the kitchen. First, though, we will pick up the packaging from the Christmas presents and see if we can participate in the Amazon pickup for donated goods. I have some clothes I want to get rid of that I am sure I can not sell, but are new. 

     Caleb loves his new wolf blanket. He takes it everywhere with him. 

     The next holiday is New Year's eve, which happens to be Caleb's birthday too. I think I might try to take him to get a chimichanga. He keeps asking about it. He has a few gifts to open, and I think he will be surprised! There is an adult mulit-colored unicorn onesie waiting for him! He wanted it when I showed it to him at the store. There is also a pair of shoes, and a Minecraft hat.

     Bella is begging me to go back to bed with her. I am not ready. 

     Granny and Pepere got the 2 snowmen ornaments that Caleb made in occupational therapy. They arrived in time.

     Rachel is still waiting on her package.

     I am still waiting for some things to arrive in the mail. 

     I got my new medication chest of drawers in the mail the other day. It requires assembly, so I am glad I bought the new tool set, because Caleb lost or destroyed my old tool set. 

     Well, I am tired, and don't have anything to write about. I m going to take my iron pill and orange juice and go back to bed with my book.  

 

5 Year Journal Day 213

    Today's prompt is "Today were you a wallflower or social butterfly?" I was a wallflower.

     It is now 7:13 a.m. here. Yesterday was Christmas Eve. I did not feel well still, and was very tired all day. I stayed in bed as much as possible. My body ached and hurt so bad. Caleb went and checked the mail every hour or so, waiting for Grammie's gift to arrive. When it did, he opened it, and found money for Christmas and his birthday! He wanted to go to Walmart right away. I tried to get him to pause and think before spending his money on the first thing he saw. He recently broke his fishing pole, and I knew he wanted a new one. He was not interested in buying a new one.

     We went to Walmart, even though I could smell myself and needed a shower. I wasn't going to buy anything, because I would have to use credit, but I bought myself some Midol Complete, a new heating pad, some tissue, and some vegetables. Caleb bought himself a blanket with wolves on it, and a special edition hot wheels set. 

     We got home, and I went back to lay down for awhile. When I got back up, I decided we would open our presents. That way, Caleb would have no reason to wake me up in the morning. He doesn't believe in Santa, so I didn't ruin that for him. He was excited, and I let him open all the packages, even the ones that weren't for him. He had a good time, and loved everything he received. 

     Caleb got an artist set, an origami kit, a set of gaming headphones, some clothes, some books, some flavored popcorn, and some candy. He was so happy! I was happy too! I got some books, some clothes, a sleeping headphones headset, and a tarot set. It was a Merry Christmas Eve!

     Caleb just cut his finger trying to cut open a giant gumball he got for Christmas, and now his finger is bleeding. He could not bite it, so he thought he would try to cut it into smaller pieces. 

     He is wearing the new clothes Aunt Lisa bought for him, the warm and cozy pajamas. Bella slept with me all night. She was so cuddly. I slept with my far infrared ray fabric wrapped around my midsection to help with the pain and inflammation.  

     I just showed Caleb my tarot set that I bought and totally forgot about. He was creeped out by the artwork. LOL 

     Today, for Christmas Day, we are going to stay at home and enjoy our presents. I already started reading the book, "The Empath's Survival Guide" by Judith Orloff, MD. I have read Chapter 1 and now know for sure that I am a complete empath. In Chapter 2, I found out that I am both a physical and emotional empath. I have not completed Chapter 2 yet, but I will be learning how to protect myself from other people's energies. I can not wait to see what this book has to offer, and learn things that I wish I could have learned as a child.

     I will be finding a cozy place to read today, and maybe even get some laundry washed. 

     Last night, I looked into earthing products. They are also known as grounding products. I would like to buy a grounding mat for the bed. I know I will sleep better with it, but it is expensive. I bought some special compression socks that are far infrared ray emitting, and a type of corset or back brace that emits far infrared too. They will both help me to reduce the chronic inflammation, remove toxins from my body, and increase more efficient circulation, not to mention decrease the amount of pain I feel. 

     In the book , "The Empath's Survival Guide", it says "Empaths have an extremely reactive neurological system." There are many kinds of empaths: physical empaths, emotional empaths, intuitive empaths, telepathic empaths, precognitive empaths, dream empaths, mediumship empaths, plant empaths, Earth empaths, and animal empaths. Dr. Orloff discusses the science of empathy by writing about the mirror neuron system, electromagnetic fields, emotional contagion, increased dopamine sensitivity, and synesthesia. Then there is a self-assessment. These are the questions I answered "yes" to:

Have I ever been labeled overly sensitive, shy, or introverted?

Do I frequently get overwhelmed or anxious?

Do I often feel like I don't fit in?

Do crowds drain me, and do I need alone time to revive myself?

Do noise, odors, or nonstop talkers overwhelm me?

Do I have chemical sensitivities or a low tolerance for scratchy clothes?

Do I prefer taking my own car to places so that I can leave early if I need to?

Do I overeat to cope with stress?

Am I afraid of becoming suffocated by intimate relationships?

Do I startle easily?

Do I have a low threshold for pain?

Do I tend to socially isolate?

Am I overwhelmed by multi-tasking, and do I prefer to do one thing at a time?

Do I need a long time to recuperate after being with difficult people or energy vampires?

Do I feel better in small towns or the country rather than large cities?

Do I prefer one-to-one interactions and small groups to large gatherings?

     "If you answered yes to more than fifteen questions, you are a full-blown empath." writes Dr. Orloff.

     She writes that some of the challenges we may face are: becoming overstimulated, absorbing the stress and negativity of others, feeling things intensely, experiencing emotional and social hangovers, feeling isolated and lonely, experiencing emotional burnout, coping with increased sensitivity to light, smell, taste. touch, temperature, and sound, and expressing needs in intimate relationships.   

     "What makes am empath's overload symptoms worse? Fatigue, illness, rushing, traffic, crowds, loud environments, toxic people, low blood sugar, arguing, overwork, chemical sensitivities, too much socializing, and feeling trapped in overstimulating situations..."

     How am I supposed to protect myself? Dr. Orloff gives a shielding visualization and a grounding and earthing visualization to use. 

     To determine whether I am a physical or emotional empath, I took another self-assessment. Here are the questions I answered "yes" to:

Physical Empath Questions:

Do I get physically ill in crowds?

Do I get energized by some people and depleted by others?

Do I frequently go to doctors without getting treatments that help?

Am I chronically fatigued, or do I have mysterious and unexplained ailments?

Do I often feel exhausted by crowds, preferring to stay home?

Is my body sensitive to sugar, alcohol, and processed foods?

Emotional Empath Questions:

Do I get an emotional hangover after an argument or a conflict?

Do I feel depressed or anxious in crowds?

Do I want to fix people and take away their stress?

Can I intuit other people's feelings, even when they are unexpressed?

Is it hard to distinguish other people's emotions from my own?

Do I care so much about other that I neglect my own needs?

Do I overeat to cope with difficult people or emotional stress?

     "Five or more yeses indicate that you're definitely that type of empath." So, I am both types.

     Dr. Orloff then writes about empathetic illnesses. The ones she mentions that I have are chronic depression, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, pain, panic attacks and social anxiety.

     So here is where I left off last night, "Self-protection for Empaths."

     This is the first book of the 10 I got for Christmas that I chose to read. I am so excited about these books, you don't even know! 

     Let's see first I need to take a shower...badly. I can use the new body wash Aunt Lisa bought me! She bought the collection for me of lotion, body cream, and body wash of sage and mint! I will be squeaky clean and well moisturized today! My legs are ashy from scratching and dryness yesterday. 

     Then I can start the laundry, and find a comfortable place to sit and read. Perfection! Dinner is leftovers, so now worries about that. The kitchen can wait until tomorrow, or if I feel like cleaning today (probably not). I have a new heating pad for my back that I can use for my back pain now. I can take my Midol now that it is daylight outside, and get moving, yeah! I am also going to setup my new water filtration unit today. One thing at a time though. First let's get breakfast and medications done. Merry Christmas everybody! 

5 Year Journal Day 212

     Today's prompt is "Today was unusual because ." Yesterday was unusual because I had t sleep so much. I was just too tired to do anything. 

     It is now 4:52 a.m. here. Yesterday I could not get anything anything done. I slept in until about 10:00 or so and just couldn't get moving. I was just too tired. I stayed awake for a few hours, but eventually went back to sleep. I don't know why I am so exhausted. I did make our New Year dinner. I had to cook it earlier than expected because I bought the greens on impulse and did not want them to go bad before I could cook them. I make ham, greens (collard greens, kale, and spinach), and black eyed peas with onions, ginger root, and seasonings. The greens are to attract money in the New Year, and the black eyed peas are to attract good luck. 

     Dinner was delicious. We ended up going out to Food Lion so I could buy some Dew. I know, I know. I was not supposed to buy Dew, but understand that this has been a habit for a long time. Also, the water tablets I bought are effervescent, and not that good. They are not a suitable replacement for the Dew. 

     Today is Christmas Eve, and I am still tired. I  might have to spend most of the day in bed again. I think I have just accumulated alot draining events this month. I have run myself ragged trying to get people cards and gifts. I have been stressed out about finances and being able to buy food. I was trying to quit drinking soda. I am still on my period. My body was aching and sore yesterday. I slept with my far infrared ray emitting blanket on me last night. That seemed to help with the pain. 

     Bella followed me out of the bedroom and is laying next to my chair. She's such a sweet girl. 

     Caleb is sleeping on the living room floor on the couch cushions. 

     He asks me everyday, "How many days until Christmas?" LOL I tell him to look at his calendar on his phone and count the days. I never give him the answer. 

     We have presents under the tree and I am grateful. We have some bills paid down and I am grateful. We will be able to get rid of one load of furniture from the property on January 1st, and I am grateful. Caleb will have a small birthday celebration with his therapist, and I am grateful. I am thankful for all these things. 

     I have been listening to chakra healing music and think that might be having an effect on me too. I have alot of blockages, and alot of healing to do. I am sure that healing comes at a cost for me. I am a HSP (highly sensitive person)  after all. 

     I would like to stay in bed and read. The cooking is already done. The cleaning can wait until after Christmas. I think I should rest as much as possible while there are no appointments, and no where to go. 

     My mom sent a card for Caleb, and it has not arrived yet. She is not happy about that because she sent it the day before I sent her my gifts. It should be here by now. She has already received my package. I do not know where the mail is.

     I gave Caleb an early Christmas present yesterday. It was a pink unicorn stuffed animal, a big one to cuddle with. He likes unicorns, and did not care that it was pink. It was the last one available when I bought it. He is sleeping with it now. 

     I have to remember that he needs to have some presents to open on his birthday. I will have to save some from under the tree and put them away, because I am not spending any more money on gifts. 

     I have been chatting with Kathleen. Her grandpa has been diagnosed as Covid positive, and her grandma might be too. She is heartbroken that they might not survive it. 

     I have been chatting with Stella. We shoot the breeze when we catch eachother online. 

     I check in with Billy every couple of days or so. I just want somebody to shoot the shit with sometimes, and I knw he is always available. 

     Donna was not happy about me not being to afford to buy pies. I totally did not take anything she said personally because it is not something I volunteered to do. She asked me to do it because I did it for Thanksgiving. I bought 2 pumpkin and 2 apple pies for Thanksgiving, along with cool whip and vanilla ice cream. It was not cheap. I did not eat any of it. I'm diabetic, and while I do consume too many carbs, I try to stay away from things I know have sugar in them. 

     I volunteered to bring those things for Thanksgiving. I was asked to bring those things for Christmas. Well, I bought cards, and gifts, and had things shipped this month. My budget was stretched to begin with and then you add that to it, and it's no wonder I had no money for food! 

     She asked us to come over when Alisa, Clayton, and kids come over after Christmas for dinner. I do not think we will go. We were supposed to come over on Christmas Day originally. I did not really want to do that as the month passed. I am tired and in no mood to be social. I do not want to get Covid-19. The numbers are increasing daily of positive cases in NC. There is no reason to be one of them. 

     I just want to hibernate, like a Grizzly Bear. Just fill my belly, and let me sleep until I can't sleep anymore. Seriously. I need it. 

     The Winter Solstice has passed so we have passed the shortest day of the year, and are moving towards Spring. I like the cold and the sun together. I do not look forward to the Summer. It gets too hot. 

     I have stopped using my daily notes spreadsheet to keep track of what I do during the day. Instead, I just write about it here. I should probably get back to using it, as it is a simple way to keep track of what I have done. 

     The kitchen is a mess. I have not kept up with the laundry. I need a laundry weekend. I need a kitchen clean up operation. I need a bathroom clean up operation. I need to clean my room. I need to clean the floors. Days go by, and I have been able to do absolutely nothing. I have not had a period in so long, I have forgotten what it is like. I should not be so tired. I take iron. I am not menstruating heavily. 

     I am drained. I am slow. I can not keep my eyes open. I need rest. I want to blog. I can not think of anything to write about. I have some budget chores to do, and I need to take my iron pill and orange juice.

5 Year Journal Day 211

     Today's prompt is "What was the last road trip you took?" My last road trip was the evacuation due to Hurricane Florence where we evacuated to South Carolina then to Missouri and back home again. 

     It is now 4:10 a.m. on Wednesday the 23rd of December. It is nice and cold in here. I did not want to get out of bed, but I knew that I would not be able to fall back asleep because this is the second or third time waking up in the last hour or so. 

     Yesterday I did not want to get out of bed. I slept in as much as possible, and did not get out of bed until sometime after 10:00. If I could have, I would have stayed in bed all day. I knew that was an impossibility due to Caleb needing to go out to his appointments. I woke up and took  my medications, and before I knew it, it was time to leave to Caleb's first afternoon appointment with his therapist. Immediately after that, he had his second appointment with his occupational therapist. 

     When we were done there, we went to Walmart so i could see if they had restocked their caffeine water. They had not. I also wanted to buy some salad vegetables. I bought, mushrooms, roma tomatoes, cucumbers, and avocados. We then went to Publix to buy bread. The bread was resting as it had just come from the oven. It needed time to cool off before it could be sliced, approximately 15 minutes, so I decided to go Food Lion. I prefer to get my lettuce from Food Lion because it is not usually expensive there, and they are so green and leafy. Just beautiful lettuces. I bought romaine, green leaf, and red leaf lettuce. I went back to Publix and bought the bread that was waiting for us. 

    We came home, and for the first time ever Caleb wanted to eat salad. I was shocked! I made salad that he would eat first. I washed and cut a little of each of the lettuces, some cucumber, and red onion. I took his share of the huge salad I was making, and placed it in a container for him to eat. I then continued to make my salad the way I wanted it. He does not like tomatoes or mushrooms. I also decided to add an avocado. It turned out delicious!

     Caleb and I were both tired. After I took my medications, I went to bed and listened to second chakra healing music. Right now I am listening to "All 7 chakras healing music" on youtube. 

     We had a rough a beginning of the day because I was tired and Caleb was hyperactive. He wanted to pour a liter of water on me while I was in bed. He didn't do it, but he threatened to do it. I was singing to Bella. It annoys the Hell out of Caleb. He hates it. He pulled the blankets off of me while I was still laying in bed with Bella. He wanted to get Bella up and out of the room so I would stop singing to her. I told him he needed to get out of my room. He tried to tell me that my bedroom was a shared room. I told him it was not a shared room, that it was my room. I told him that if he did not want to hear me sing to Bella, he could leave my room and go to his room. He eventually went to his room and got mad because he could still hear me. He began to slam his door to his bedroom. He wasn't going to upset me. I have been around him too long to let things like that get me worked up. Eventually I got up and got our medications ready. He was trying to say he was behaving that way because I had not given him medications. Ok. Well, just because he has not had his medications does not mean he can do whatever he wants and misbehave.   

     I went in with him to his therapist appointment as I always do. I always start the therapy session with a briefing to his therapist because I know that if Caleb goes in there alone, she will have no idea what he is like at home. He will not tell her what I will tell her, and what he needs to be working on. I told her about the morning, because that is what was on my mind. I told her about how we have food because someone (my mom and Aunt Lisa ) gave us money. I told her we have presents under the tree because someone (not me) gave us presents by adopting our family for Christmas. 

     I spoke my mind about having trouble with getting him to cooperate about anything. She asked "What kind of things?" and I told her, daily chores, little tasks around the house. His answer is "No." every time. I said that we need to be grateful for having food that someone else allowed us to have. We should be grateful for presents that we would  not have if it were not for the hard work of others to make it happen. I told them both that if it were only up to me, that there would be no presents. It would not be because I do not want presents, it would be because I do not have the extra money to buy presents. 

     I said something about how we should be respectful of the things that are given to us, by me, or by others. One way or another, someone worked hard to make things happen for us. We should take care of our home because it provides us shelter. We should take care of our home because cleanliness keeps us free from illnesses and diseases. I told them that it is not a matter of preference, but a matter of science. 

     When we went to Caleb's occupational therapist appointment, I discussed with Brittini when his last appointment will be. His last appointment in next week, on his birthday. She asked if we had anything planned, and I told her "No" and that I wanted to buy a single serving cake for Caleb, but did not have the money. She said she had planned on buying him a cupcake to celebrate his graduation. That is really sweet of her. She asked if he has anything that he wants for his birthday, and I told her that I could not think of anything. She is planning on getting a gift card. 

     I find that the people at Publix are generally very nice and seem happy to be there. I always get greeted at the door. I like shopping there, I get positive vibes from the people who work there. 

     While waiting for Caleb at his occupational therapist appointment, I learned some energy body shielding techniques from a program I bought about empaths. I began a grounding meditation, but did not complete it before Caleb finished his appointment. I feel pretty good about not wasting any time today. 

     Bella is keeping my feet warm under the kitchen table. It is now 4:59 a.m. here. I am still listening to the chakra healing music. 

     I was just doing some shoulder rolls and thoughts about my combat medic training came to mind. I was thinking about doing fireman carries and other types of carries under fire. I mean, I have so many thoughts about "What if" from that training period in Ft. Sam Houston, TX. I was exposed to videos and photos of combat traumas. I was trained on how to handle them "out there" in the middle of nowhere. I don't remember alot of my medical training because I did not get the opportunity to use it after I learned it. It's one of those things, "Use it or Lose it." I remember how training made me feel. I felt important and scared that I would fail my battle buddies. I felt like alot of people's lives were in my hands . I know that if I did not get the training down right, someone could die. It was alot of pressure to succeed. 

     As proud as I was to get to the very last week of training, and passing my National Registry Emergency Medical Training test, I was relieved when I could no longer continue. By that point I was so fucked up in the head that I could not function. Mathew's high school friend's brother died in Afghanistan while I was in training, and that set me off. Mathew was deployed at the time too. One night I cried all night until I finally fell asleep. I woke up with bags under my eyes from crying so hard. It was not for Mathew's friend, it was for the danger that Mathew could be in, and me having the training to save his life and not be there, just be completely unable to save his life. It was a "Come to God" moment in my life. I have never prayed so hard in all my life. I felt so helpless. So isolated. No one around me could understand what I was going through. My journey was my own. I walked it alone. 

     I wish I could have finished combat medic training. The only thing I had left to do was complete the training at Brooke Army Medical Center (hospital) by shadowing different medical professionals for a week, and then graduate. I made it through the hardest parts of training. I wanted to be called a combat medic so badly after having been to the museum on post. 

     I thought alot about people in my life dying after that. It made me so depressed. I was fighting alot with Nigel at the time. He was harassing me while I was in training. He even called my chain of command at Ft. Sam Houston because I refused to argue with him. He was accusing me of cheating on him, when all I was doing at the time was training and sleeping. I could not get enough sleep. Training was hard and my days started at 0400 and did not end until about 1700 if we were lucky. All I wanted to do was sleep. I could not breathe while I tried to sleep. I did not know that this was called sleep apnea. I did not know that something could be done about it. I did not have the time to go to get it checked out. It is frowned upon to go to sick-call while in training. 

     Eventually I did cheat on him. He wouldn't believe me that I wasn't , and I told him I wanted a divorce. He would not grant me a divorce. I do not know why. He had not seen me in almost a year, and was treating me like shit.   

     I did not have alot of time to relay messages to anyone. I stopped writing Nigel in basic training as I was so tired. I did not write anymore letters after that. I just wanted to rest and sleep. I swear I counted the days until the weekends when we could rest and relax. Army training environments are stressful as it is. I happen to be a highly sensitive person (HSP) or empath. Dude. So drained was I. 

     I even had a panic attack at Ft. Sam Houston one night. I thought something was seriously wrong with me and was having trouble gaining control of my breathing. I was hyperventilating but feeling like I couldn't catch my breath. It came out of nowhere one night after a long day of training. My battle buddy escorted me downstairs to the Drill Sergeants on duty. They were able to get me to calm down.

     I remember my friends from my platoon, well, from my squad anyway. Emily Deese was my bunk buddy. She called the bottom bunk and I was like well damn it. So I got the top bunk. I had to climb up there every night and climb down to pee in the middle of the night. It was such a hassle. I thought I was going to fall all the time. I was afraid to rollover at all. I carefully centered myself in the bed every night and slept on my back so I could breathe easier. 

     I volunteered to go Airborne while I was there. I got slotted for school the same day I was put on crutches. I cried while I was in formation and heard my name for acceptance to Airborne school. 

     Well, that was a long time ago. That was back in 2007. I have since looked up Nigel on facebook. He is an old man now. He is about 10 years my senior. I grew so much outside of the environment I was in with him. When I left for basic training, I never thought I would change so much, so quickly. My physical appearance changed, my mindset changed, everything changed in a matter of weeks. I just could not deal with his needs anymore. He was a grown man who could not figure out how to pay the bills without me. This was actually something he told me while I was in Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri in BCT. What the hell was I supposed to do? I had a maximum of 10 minutes on the cell phone on Sundays, and no computer time. He spent that 10 minutes complaining to me. I just did not need the added stress. Then he got mad when I started calling my dad instead of him. My dad helped me stay focused to keep going and not give up. When I was a holdover for stress fractures to my hips and femurs, and on crutches, Nigel told me that I needed to come home. My dad told me to stick it out, which is what I wanted to do. I knew I needed this job. I knew I needed free job training. I knew I needed college money, and this was the only way I was going to get that. 

     There was no turning back for me. I did not want to go back home and go back to same shit I left behind. I left it behind for a good reason. I did not want to grow old in a one bedroom apartment, not able to work or hold a job because what I was qualified to do was not challenging enough, and did not pay enough. I knew I wanted to complete my college degree. That was my main goal for moving to Greensboro in the first place. How I got so wound up with Nigel is beyond me. 

     My parents did not save for my college education. I was expected to pay for it myself. I was not guided on how to apply for scholarships and grants. I was not told the reason why my dad wanted me to go to community college first. I wanted to escape my dad and Sharon and get as far away from them as I could. They were and are toxic people.   

     If I could do it all again, I would have applied for every scholarship and grant under the sun that I qualified for. I would have gone to community college and completed my associate's degree first before transferring to a four year college or university. I would have saved alot of money that way. I would have given myself time to figure out what was my heart's desire to do for the rest of my life. At that time, I was so triggered by my dad and Sharon, I could only think of getting away fast. 

     I spent so much of my life trying to fix things with them. It never worked. It will never work. I see that now. They are toxic. That is all there is to it. I should stay away from them at all costs. I have given enough of my time and energy trying to do various things to keep my dad in my life, but last year was the absolute end. I might not ever see him again , alive. He might not ever see me again, because he is practically blind now. Unless he can have surgery to correct the problems with his eyesight... 

     If my mom had been a bigger part of my life, I might have made different choices. I was working with what I had. The problem with being a good student and being "smart" is that people assume you are ok. I was never ok. Never. I just knew how to keep to myself. With the help of a few high school friends, including Rachel, I was able to still have a happy life. She helped me, whether she knows it or not, through some things that were going on in Sharon's house that should have never happened. Abuse is Never ok/  

     I have had self-esteem issues my entire life. I was never good enough, no matter what I did. I was different, and people were not drawn to my quiet nature. I kept to myself because I was hiding the abuses that were happening at home. It was hard to build myself up, but I did it. My self-esteem is not based upon my looks. I do not care how others see my physical form. I accept that I will be looked down upon in this society where obese women are body shamed. I accept that I may never find a partner to live my life with. It does not keep me from trying to better myself and my situation. It does not keep me from trying to raise Caleb with a heart and empathy for others. Bella shows me love no matter what day it is. I do not look forward to her passing away. I think about it often. I cannot help but know that one day it will happen, and no matter when it happens, it will be too soon for me. 

     Violet told me that I am "Star Seed" , an "old soul" , an "angel on Earth." She told me that my purpose is to communicate what cannot be communicated with language. This was after having many conversations with her. I do not yet know what a Star Seed is. I do believe that I am old soul. I have always been mature for my age. I do not think I am an angel on Earth, although it's a nice thought. 

     I know I have alot of love for people. I know that I was willing to give my life for the American people of the United States. I know that I would have died trying to save another soldier's life. I know that I have a relationship with Jesus that stemmed from when I was a child. I believe we are more than what we can imagine we are. When I was in San Antonio at a bookstore one weekend, and looking at a collection of metaphysical books, a guy came behind me and whispered "Sexy Witch" and disappeared. I think I have been practicing my own version of magic for quite awhile. I use to play in the yard and collect nuts, and weeds, and grasses and things to create spells with. 

     I know we have energy bodies that require care. I know we can send energy across time and space with our minds. I know we can do things that were not thought possible. I have been researching phenomena since my early twenties. I am now 37 and just now being able to settle down long enough to learn and practice some techniques myself. 

     I know there are higher powers. I just know. I don't remember all the things I could share that make me think these things, and it's unfortunate. Maybe if I spend more time meditating they will come back to the forefront of my mind. 

     It is now 6:37 a.m. and Caleb will be waking in a few hours. I should get some rest. I have been more tired than usual lately, and caffeine is not helping. I am just going to take my iron pill and orange juice and go rest for awhile. 

5 Year Journal Day 210

     Today's prompt is "Write a phrase to describe your year so far." My year has been a crazy mix of ups and downs.

     It is now 2:19 a.m. on Tuesday. Yesterday started off slowly. It was dark outside and gloomy. As the day progressed, the skies cleared up and the sun began to shine. Caleb and I slept in until about 9:40. I woke up being tired. I wanted to sleep more, but I didn't want to day to go waste. I thought I might be bale to get some things done. I got up, took my medications, and had a few hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I wrote my blog at that point. I got sidetracked into organizing papers in my workspace while blogging. I did not complete my blog until after noon. I did get alot of papers organized, though.

     I had tuna sandwiches with dill pickles for lunch. After lunch, I could not get myself to get up from the chair to do anything. I was tired and achy all over. I wanted to be still. I needed more sleep, but did not want to go to bed. I had it in my head that I could get things done. I did not get things done. It was like caffeine did not help me at all. I tried the new water tablet that has caffeine and electrolytes in it,  and it was like I never drank it. I could not figure out why I was struggling so much until later in the early evening I went to the bathroom. I started my period. I knew that it was the week for my period, but I don't normally menstruate because I take birth control pills to skip my periods. That explained it all. I should have stayed in bed, or least let myself go back to bed after writing my blog. 

     Caleb and I witnessed the Great Conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter with our naked eyes. It was not as big as I thought it would be, but still cool, nonetheless. We went outside before sunset and waited . It was the first thing to appear in the sky, besides the half moon, which was visible during the day. We stayed outside until it got darker and the sun light was no longer visible. I was wanting to witness the last meteor shower of 2020, but I was getting tired and wanted to get ready for bed. 

     It also happened to be Winter Solstice. I did not do anything to celebrate because I just wasn't feeling like doing anything at all. My brain was tired, and not telling me what I should do. I should have gone to sleep. 

     

     So, my day was not eventful, although the universe had other plans. LOL

     Caleb did not do much either. He went for a walk in the morning, but that was it. We stayed home and did alot of nothing much. 

     Today, Caleb has 2 back to back appointments. The first one is with his therapist and the second one is with his occupational therapist. He is nearing the end of his occupational therapy. I think his last week is the first or second week of January. 

     Christmas Eve is on Thursday, and Christmas Day is on Friday. 

     I was supposed to bring pies and cool whip to Donna's house for Christmas, but I had to let her know that I did not have the money to do that. It sucks. If I buy the pies and cool whip, she wanted 2 pumpkin pies and 1 apple pie, I will not have money for vegetables to cook dinners with. I do not know how I got to this point, but I am trying to save $100 to remove to a load of furniture/junk from the property. Right now, I have a little over $100 left. I have just enough to pay the guy to haul away the stuff and either buy gas or vegetables, whichever I need first. 

     We have what we need at the house, so I am not worried, but I did not expect to have to tell Donna that I could not bring anything to dinner for Christmas. She understands because she gets short after the end of the month too. It's just, I had so much available, and now it's all gone. I spent it wisely, but still, gone. I do not want to use my credit cards to buy pies. Credit cards are expensive. I want to only use them if I absolutely have to. 

     Caleb was awake when I came out to the computer. I woke up and Bella alerted me that she needed to go outside. I must have woken him up by calling Bella inside. 

     I just did my calculations on what my bank account balance is, and I have 25 spendable dollars. I have $100 for the furniture haul away that is not spendable. The furniture haul away is scheduled for January the 1st. I just don't want to have to pull from my check on the first because what is left over from that check is used for groceries and gas, and it's not much to begin with. 

     I'm willing to give up on pies. I probably wouldn't have eaten any anyway, but I feel bad for letting everybody down. 

     I was thinking as I got a letter in the mail the other day about my EBT benefits. It says something like "Social Security and VA payments are getting a 1.3% increase and it may have an effect on my EBT benefits, lowering it." Something like that. I don't understand why, instead, the EBT benefits would not also increase by 1.3% since the increase in payments from Social Security and VA are only to keep spending power at the same level as it was last year. So I am going to get equal value of my payments from Social Security and VA in 2021 as that of 2020, but my EBT benefits are going to decrease? That makes no sense! I am in the same financial predicament I have been in! My situation did not get better. I did not get a promotion! I got a small increase in payments to keep up with inflation. My buying power remains the same. What a way to rob the needy.

     Stella sent a very creative and hand drawn card to us for Yule. It had a hand drawn picture of some type of jet, for Caleb. He is keeping the card in his room, I think. It was really sweet and original. 

     My mom wanted me to receive a piece of mail she sent yesterday, but it did not come in the mail. She finally received my jingle bell keychains I made for both her and Kenneth, and she was happy about them!   

     I am waiting for Rachel to get her box in the mail. It is stuck in Greensboro from what I gather. It doesn't make sense because it went through Fayetteville, and she is closer to Fayetteville than Greensboro. 

     I am waiting for things to be delivered to me too. I have waited for weeks to receive my multi-vitamins and supplements from Swanson. The last I checked, the package was in Charlotte, NC. 

     I bought great value's version of drain cleaner, and used a whole bottle on the bathroom sink and the water still doesn't go down the drain quickly. It sits there for what seems like forever. It's a real pain in the ass, because we need to be able to brush our teeth, rinse , and spit without it just sitting there. I am trying another bottle to see if it works this time. I am thinking I need some type of pipe cleaning snake for sinks. I had 2, but I do not know where they are. 

     I want to sell some of my stuff to get some money in my account. I have boots galore from when I was thinner and able to wear different shoes everyday if I wanted. I have some type of electric saw that my dad bought, and I will never use. I'm sure I have other things around too. I hope I can sell them. I could really use the money. 

     I cut the ham from the bone so it could be cooked with all the greens I plan to cook with it. I don't think the bone will fit in the crockpot with all the other stuff that is going in there. 

     Caleb and I had throw away the collections of bell pepper seeds I made. I did not remove the seeds from the core, and the cores started to grow mold, so we had to throw them away. This time, when I collected the cores from all the bell peppers I used in the stew beef chili I made, I let the cores dry out a little, and then scraped the seeds off, placed them in a sandwich bag, and put them in the fridge. They should be ok until we can plant them. 

     I got a call from the VA Women's Clinic to schedule some appointments. This is where active listening can save a life. They were calling to set up an appointment for me to see the nurse as had been discussed when I had my doctor's appointment. NP Miller, my Primary Care Provider (PCP), said to me that I should come in to the clinic in about 2-3 weeks after using the new medication to have my blood pressure checked and take some bloodwork. I received one new medication. I did not receive the lower dose of the old medication as we discussed. She told me that I would have to stay on Lisinopril for my blood pressure, as well as to protect my kidneys. She also told me that I would have to change my dose of Lisinopril to take the new medication, Spironolactone. I am trying the Spironolactone to decrease the facial hair I have as well as manage my high blood pressure. So, I am waiting on the lower dose of Lisinopril to begin treatment. When the nurse asked me to make an appointment to take my blood pressure, I let her know that I had not received the lower dose of Lisinopril. She said there was not an order for the lower dose of Lisinopril on my file. I asked, "Please , can you ask Dr. Miller what to do? Because now I am confused as to what to do. She told me that I cannot take the old dose at the same time as taking the new medication at the dose prescribed. " So, if I had just followed what the nurse thought was accurate, I could have died. If I had taken the full dose of Lisinopril with the full dose of Spironolactone, I would have had too low of a blood pressure plus other possible side effects happening. It's a goo thing I was active listening when I had my phone doctor's appointment. I remember very vividly what we spoke about because I remember blogging about it too. I have a hard time remembering stuff these days, but thank God I remembered that! 

     The nurse did contact Dr. Miller and we did solve the problem. Dr. Miller put in an order for the lower dose of Lisinopril, and I am to schedule an appointment when I receive the new dose of medication. Cool, I can do that. 

     I keep getting emails from MENSA. I don't know why. They should know that I have already tested and failed miserably. I could not concentrate. I was full of anxiety about so many things at the time. I did not test well. MENSA only allows you to test once in lifetime. I failed. I will never be accepted into MENSA. I wish I had passed their requirements though. I wish I had some other way to prove my worthiness. Maybe I am not MENSA material. I don't really know. They have other ways to show high intelligence, but I have not looked at the list since pre-2013. I just think it would be awesome to wear MENSA gear and be like "yeah, that's me!"

     You know that MENSA has a pre-test on their webpage right? Well I did that pre-2013, and the results were indicative that I could be a candidate for MENSA. It's the only reason I wanted to take the real test.

     

     I have thought about going back to school, but I can't commit to such an endeavor right now, or anytime in the near future. Caleb requires alot of attention. It is hard enough just to keep up with my blog. Besides, I am not getting into any more debt. I will never be able to pay off student debt on top of all this other stuff I have going with my finances. 

     I wish I had a career where I could go back to school to earn my Master's Degree and Doctorate, paid by my employer. I would like to write a book, and have Dr. in front of my name.  

     I fell asleep listening to chakra healing music. I just put some on now. It is now 4:43 a.m. here. I don't know why, but my brain loves this music. I think so much when it is on, and I am laying in bed. 

     I got a friend request from Ed Barker on facebook yesterday, my former step-grandpa. I apparently haven't messaged his wife, Janet, since 2016. They are nice people. I hope they are staying healthy and well. 

     I was tempted to read some books while I was sitting in the chair yesterday. I picked them up and moved them, but I did not open them. I was just too tired. I wanted to stop giving my time to my phone, but I was just too tired. 

     I need to scatter the rose remains in the yard that are from grandpa's memorial. I thought I would do it yesterday, but as soon as I thought about it, I forgot it. 

     Caleb wanted to light some candles, but I could not even get up to do that. I tried to light candles, but the lighter ran out of lighter fluid, and so I was only able to light the frankincense incense that did not hold a flame. I could have gotten my other lighter, but I was too tired to walk around the kitchen table and kitchen island to get to where I hide my lighter. 

     I got a follow up letter from Minority Veterans of America asking that I make sure I received the right items from my wishlist, so we may be doing some gift opening today. 

     Aunt Lisa has brought up more than once the question of if I want to go to Brazil to scatter grandpa's remains in accordance with his wishes. I do not think I should go to Brazil in my current condition. The heat there alone is reason to stay home. I would love to visit family, and eat the food, and take photos of absolutely everything! I'm positive the heat would make me feel sick. The flight there is no joke, and is long AF. Then there's the issue of boarding Bella at $25/a day. Let's not also forget that I have not updated Caleb's certificate of birth abroad to show that his father is "Unknown." He can not leave the country without both parents' signatures because they are required for an American passport, until he is an adult. While I do have a Brazilian passport, it is not current. Caleb does not have a Brazilian passport at all. I hate it, because it would an experience of a lifetime. I do not think I will have all my ducks in a row by the time Aunt Lisa and family decide to go to Brazil. I don't know. I can try. I am working on losing weight so the heat does not have that effect on me. Right now, I am high risk for heat stroke, and unfortunately the risk is higher because of my other health problems, which I am trying to manage. I might still be a high risk of heat stroke because I have had heat injuries before, even if I do clear myself of all other problems. So, I just don't think I should go. I would love for Caleb to be able to go though. He can handle heat much better than I can. 

     There has been talk of a possible inheritance left by my grandpa. I do not think he would have left me anything. I would think he would have left his money to his new wife. I could be wrong. Aunt Lisa would know more than I do. She is trying to liquidate his belongings that we can not use or are in storage in excess. I think she should be compensated for her hard work and the support she provided all these years. That doesn't necessarily mean it will happen that way. Only time will tell.

     I told Aunt Lisa about the "Holy Scriptures" book I took from grandpa's house in 2013. It belonged to her as a child, I think. It has grandma's handwriting in in, and Aunt Lisa's name in it. I asked her if she wanted me to send it to her. I had forgotten all about it, until I found it in my china cabinet with the the other religious texts I have collected over the years. She said to keep it, and I cried.  I felt it in my heart. 

     A part of me wants to move to a house with fewer or no problems. I would like to live inland where I do not have to panic about hurricanes from April to the end of November. I would like to move north where the weather is more temperate and generally cooler. I want to live close to a VA hospital, but far enough away to have land and a bigger house, that does not cost as much as the one I am currently living in. I want to pay no property taxes as a disabled veteran's benefit from the state. I want to live somewhere where cannibis is legal for all adults. I don't know if this fantasy exists in real life. I will have to check it out one day. Moving is a huge expense. My house is not in selling condition right now. I would not get enough for it in the condition it is in. I want to live around more people who think more like I do about things. I do not like being surrounded by Trump-lovers. It can be scary. Their convictions are so strong. I just do not understand. 

     I have a long list of things that need to be done to make this house in profitable selling condition. Right now, I am just trying to make ends meet, and pay the bills. I don't have extra money for these required projects. The whole point of getting the house refinanced was to fix the house, but I can not get the VA's approval for re-financing until it passes inspection, which means I have to fix the house in order to be able to afford to fix the house.    

     I want to look into programs designed to help people with disabilities with housing problems, and for veterans too. They might have special programs to help me pay for some of these projects that I need done. I will only know after I do the research. 

     The first night I listened to root chakra healing music, Caleb was laying beside me on the bed. I was unable to fall asleep because it had my mind active. Caleb asked me to turn the music off because it was sad music. He said he was about to cry. My poor baby Caleb. He has lived through traumas too. He needs healing just like I do. The music is not sad, out history is sad. The pain we have been carrying is sad. 

     It is now 5:35 a.m. here. I took my iron pill when I woke up earlier because I did not think I would get up again. Caleb is sleeping in the living room and Bella is under the blanket with him. It's such a sweet thing to see. 

     I might not be able to go back to sleep. I'm pretty content sitting right here. I do have some things I need to read though. It's almost the end of the month and I have not yet read Ethony's workbook for the month. 

     The drama continues concerning the legality of Biden's presidential-elect status via the counted votes. Trump just won't accept the fact that he lost. He will forever be known as the president who did what he did and is doing. I cannot believe that he did not increase the order of vaccines when prompted to by Pfizer. Now, we may have to wait until the end of summer 2021 to get more vaccines than the initial distribution. His motto shouldn't be "Make America Great Again", it should be "Fuck America."

     We are waiting  on a second stimulus package to pass through Congress. Other nations have been supporting their citizens, but not the United States. Republicans don't want to offer the needed assistance to Americans who have either lost their jobs, or had hours drastically reduced... Americans who are going to be evicted if government does not step in and stop it from happening... Americans who are going hungry... Americans who need COVID-19 testing and vaccines... I mean what the fuck is going on that a whole year has passed and only a $1200 check plus $500 per child has been issued?

     Meanwhile, here in North Carolina, daily confirmed cases of COVID-19 are increasing to over 7,000 a day. Food banks do not have enough food to supply to everyone in need. Schools are going back to 100% virtual classrooms starting in January 2021. There has been a curfew issued for the state. 

     We are trying to live peacefully and productively in my home, but it hasn't been easy. Some days I just have to let Caleb do his own thing because either I am in too much pain, and have too little energy, or I just plain out want to use my energy reserves to push myself to do what I can do without problems. His ODD and ADHD are hellacious. They are better now than they were before, but still. I ask him to do something, and the automatic answer is "No." It doesn't matter what I ask him to do. It's exhausting. I am not the only one with a child with both ADHD and ODD. I belong to groups on facebook that are for parental support. Some days are just better than others. 

     I am hungry. I am going to make a sandwich and try to get some more rest. It is now 6:01 a.m. and the day will start soon.  

5 Year Journal Day 209

     Today's prompt is "What can you smell right now?" I just lit a frankincense incense stick, so I smell that. 

     It is now 10:33 a.m. on Monday. I am slow moving and aching all over. I did not get up from bed earlier this morning because I was so tired. Bella pushed my legs off the side of the bed during the night, and I was sleeping with my left leg hanging off the bed for I don't know how long, but it hurt when I got up. It's nice and cold, but gloomy outside. I have the grow light on the bamboo, mini Christmas tree, and Christmas fern. They are reacting spendidly to it. Much better than being without it. 

     Yesterday I did not get much of my list done. As a matter of fact, my focus wasn't on cleaning the house at all. It was a rainy day, and that makes it harder for me to move without pain. I instead, chose to cook a big crockpot of stew beef chili, take a not so hot shower, and run out to Walmart for a HDMI cable replacement. I tend to not do much on days I take showers because it drains the life force out of me for some reason. I just kind of have to chill out, and that is one reason I do not shower every day. Oh man, if I showered everyday, and that is all I could get done, we would live on ramen noodles made by Caleb in the microwave. The chores would never get done. 

     It's been the Three Amigos in bed the last 2 nights. I sleep differently with the whole family in the bed. Sometimes, it's for the better, sometimes not so much. Caleb and Bella stretch out on the bed and I get pushed off in the middle of the night. I love my kids though. 

     I do not know what I will do today. We have no appointments today, so I am grateful for that. I will do as I am able , I suppose. 

     I forgot to have Caleb bring the trash to the road for this morning's pickup. SMH

     Yesterday I had a conversation with my Aunt Lisa that shed some light on some things. I can't believe she read my blog since about the time of my grandpa's passing to now! That's a different kind of love and commitment. I can feel that, for sure. I know that I am not the best writer, and not every day is exciting to read. 

     We talked about my blog and how I need to protect myself from getting hurt in relationships. I am going to be receiving some books from my Amazon wishlist that I submitted to Minority Veterans of America that will help me to learn how to do that as an empath. Finding out for sure that I am an empath was an awakening to begin with, and that was only concluded recently. Now, I know where I can go to get help to survive this sensitivity of mine, that most people don't understand. Not only will it help my mental and emotional health, it will help my physical health as well. My fibromyalgia and chronic inflammation are directly related to the amount of emotional turmoil I allow myself to feel. The greater the stress I feel, the more symptoms I have, and it is physically painful. 

     I am trying to develop a healing program for myself that includes sound healing and meditation, light therapy, color therapy, yoga and stretching daily, singing more often, reading more often, and sleeping better. My goals are to reduce inflammation, increase insulin sensitivity, lose weight, increase flexibility and mobility, reduce the effects of high cortisol levels, and decrease the amount of food I consume. 

     I have found that alkaline water is helpful in reducing the amount of Diet Mountain Dew I drink. I am not as thirsty as I was before. I still drink all day and all night, but I do not feel dry and dying of thirst. I bought a water filtration countertop unit so the whole family can enjoy alkaline water everyday, at a fraction of what it costs us to buy it by the gallon at Walmart. I bought some water tablets to mix with my alkaline water to add either 1) caffeine and electrolytes, 2) immunity vitamins and electrolytes or 3) only electrolytes. I hope I like them . They arrived yesterday, and I have not tried any of them yet. I will be using the travel cup that was given to me by Alisa for Christmas for my new drinks. So, I have a plan in place to reduce consumption of diet soda. Hopefully this will not only reduce inflammation, but also increase hydration, decrease thirst, and decrease my weight. 

     I have been doing stretches daily for a few weeks. I had to quit taking the Women Veterans Yoga with the VA because of the new rule that everybody must be visible on the screen from the waist up. Well, I do not have the space in my house to properly place my laptop to do that and still be sitting down. Not everybody has a spacious room. Anyway, it doesn't keep me from stretching. I find it is very helpful in keeping me from collecting my stress on my shoulders and in my neck. I feel more relaxed overall too. 

     I am using light therapy with the new grow light bulb. It is helpful to me especially on rainy or cloudy days. I have been using Far Infrared Ray emitting fabric for more than a year. It is not visible to the naked eye, but helps when I sleep with it, to reduce pain. 

     I am considering redecorating the living room once the furniture is where it needs to be. I will put more things up that inspire me, and use healing colors. I am over the stuff that is currently hanging on the walls. 

     My wishlist that I sent to Minority Veterans of America was full of books. I will have alot of reading to ahead of me. Some books were for Caleb, and I think I might have to read them with him to get him to stay focused. Some books were for me. As I am able to heal myself, I will be able to heal others, including Caleb. The more I grow and learn, the better off we will both be. 

     I want to listen to Solfeggio frequency chakra healing music on a regular basis. This will be easier when I get sleeping headphones. I also want to use this app on my phone that I can create my own meditation music using binaural beats to entrance my brain for a specific purpose. So there are so many choices! I can exercise with it, meditate, sleep, work, study, relax, heal, you name it, there is a binaural beat for it! So I am excited to help my brain recover from traumas, sleep better, and heal. 

      So, I got sidetracked with organizing my papers in my workspace. It is now 12:29 p.m. here. 

     I want to quit vaping, but I realize that this is not the time to go cold turkey. It will be easier to quit when some of my healing has taken place. 

     I bought a black tourmaline crystal necklace the other day. I think this will help me in grounding. It is more realistic for me to use a necklace than to use the raw crystals every day. 

     I am using herbs in my cooking to help me heal from the inside too. I not only use herbs in my cooking, but I also take dietary supplements that include cinnamon, turmeric, and ginger. I can get away with making meals for us with ginger in it some times, but not all the time, as Caleb does not like it yet. I don't cook with turmeric or cinnamon, so it is just easier to take a supplement. They are supposed to be good for a variety of health issues. 

     I like to light candles and incense for scent therapy. I also use essential oils and blends occasionally. 

     I have plant therapy where I look at green plants frequently throughout the day. We have a number of house plants, and next year we are trying to grow a vegetable and herb garden.

     I have lots of animal therapy with the love of Bella spewing from everywhere all day! LOL

     I am working on my inter-personal relationships. They need work. I have been in so many bad relationships, that it can be hard to know how to behave. I have a  big heart. and love everybody, well, almost everybody. Some people can not accept that. That's what Jesus would have me to do though, so... 

     Tonight is the Great Conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter and also the last meteor shower of the year. I hope we have clear skies so I can share this once in a lifetime event with Caleb. 

     I should be getting on with my day. I have no idea what I am going to do with my day. Hmmm...