Today's prompt is " Who was the last person to make you angry?" Oh! LOL Shannon Gordon.
It is now 9:14 p.m. on Monday. Yesterday was a shitty day of getting absolutely nothing done, and so was today. I was too damn exhausted on Sunday, and in too much pain today. My life sucks alot of the time. Maintaining my cool under pressure and under fire, well that's the key to not crashing and feeling less pain. Yeah, I didn't do so well Saturday, and I paid for it Sunday and Monday. What can I say? i'm only human.
Today is the New Moon. I didn't do anything special, but I did find out that I can listen to Tool albums on Amazon Music for free. I have been dying to hear 10,000 days pt. 2 since I lost the cd I had. I finally listened and sang to it. That's exactly how I feel right now. Give me my... give me my... Give me my WINGS!!!!!
Aunt Lisa's box was delivered. It had family photos in it, along with other stuff. I have never seen some of the photos before, and others have been lost or destroyed. She also sent chocolate turtles! Caleb fell in love with them.
I got a letter from my pen pal, but haven't opened it yet.
Candace sent me a pack of green tea incense sticks. Monique sent Caleb a WWII book. A friend of Violet's sent Caleb a vegetable growing book. I still have not heard from my other pen pal.
I want to put the Christmas tree up tomorrow. I want to clear the clutter around it currently and make it look nice and neat.
I have yet to disburse grandpa's memorial rose remains.
I have once again fallen behind on my cleaning up. I am always behind, it's more of a lifestyle than I would like it to be. I never truly catch up. I guess it's just something I have to live with for as long as I am disabled.
I don't know. I thought I could go to sleep, but I can't. My mind is hyperactive. I can't seem to settle down. This is what happens when you can't function all day and try to go to sleep.
Tomorrow is payday, which also means bill pay day. I need to look at my spreadsheet and plan what to do with what is leftover after paying bills, because there isn't much left.
Mom sent us some money to be able to buy a Christmas dinner. That was thoughtful of her. I am very appreciative. It will be used wisely.
So yeah today was pelvis and lower back pain all day long. I woke up and took my iron pill and orange juice. I knew I had to wait to take the rest of my medications, so I thought I would just take a shower and then take them. It kinda worked out like that. I took a really hot shower, which I am not supposed to do anymore because of my high blood pressure. I can not change the temperature of the shower water without a set of pliers because the knob is broken. So I took a shower in the hot water. I tried to hurry but I don't move quickly enough. Things just take time. I stayed in there too long and it was affecting me badly. I dried off with a towel and went to lay down on my bed like I always do, to air out and fully dry in front of my fan. I can't reach everywhere to dry off good with a towel. So I usually just lay down for a little while. Usually my feet hurt from standing in the shower without my shoes on. I always have to wear my shoes. I can not stand to be barefoot on hard surfaces. It hurts so badly. I ended up taking a nap. I did not get to taking my morning medication until after noon. So naturally, I am going to be in pain. Some of my medications are to help ease that chronic pain. I woke up in pain. I could not walk without pain. I slept awkwardly for one. Then, when I was taking my birth control pill out of the packet, I realized my period is coming in about 2-3 days. So I have that going for me too. I did not get relief from my morning meds until much later in the day. That was short lasting. I took my night time meds early, after we had something to eat for dinner. After laying down for a long time, and not feeling better, I asked Caleb to put on some Icy Hot balm on my lower back for me.
Right now, I am feeling some relief. I need to be able to take my meds on time, that's for damned sure. I might be in for a painful period again, if this is any indicator. I hate my period. It hurts like no other woman's menstrual cycle that I know. It has put in the Emergency room more than once. I can't take it. I want a hysterectomy, but my PCP says that if I do that, it will make the symptoms of my PCOS worse because of the lack of female hormones.
I don't know what the fuck I did to deserve these chronic pain conditions. What could I have possibly done? I wish someone could tell me. If I wouldn't leave Caleb and Bella behind, I would just stop fighting so hard to live. There is NO cure. There is NO pain medication to take it all away. I can't DO SHIT! I fucking hate this life!
This is not how I wanted to live my life, but here I am, everyday, trying to do what I can. Fuck everybody who gets in my way or makes my life more difficult than it already is! FUCK YOU!
I was trying to be all Holly and Jolly for Christmas season. This year has sucked ASS for so many reasons. I don't know if I can be happy again right now.
I have never had a violent PTSD reaction before. Ever. What the FUCK?! Who reacts that way to being tapped on the shoulder? SMDH I am so pissed! I am just angry. I am full of hatred right now. Don't cross my path if it isn't an emergency. I need space.
I wish I could run. I wish I could fight my emotions in hand to hand combat. Lillith is strong in me today.
Why did things have to happen the way they did? Who is charge here? I would like to speak the fucking manager of this operation because I am getting screwed left and right.
Don't fucking tell me this is God's plan. I owe no debts to God. There is no need to punish me with ill health in my 30's. I could be doing alot more for the world if I could walk without pain, don't you think?
When I was in basic training, I had stress fractures to both my femurs and both my hips. When I was in AIT at Ft. Sam Houston, they were caused again. This shit will keep you from walking, standing, sitting, or laying down. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't do shit without hurting myself!
I am finally able to clear some of the brain fog with Diet Mountain Dew. Damnit , I finally got the right dosage of medications for depression. Why did it have to take so long to get here?
I don't remember my last fibromyalgia flare up. Hell, that may be the reason behind my exhaustion besides the emotional drainage caused by Saturday's events. Fuck, I don't remember anything. I have to write everything down. EVERYTHING!
Have I mentioned that I am struggling? Well, I am. Every time I think I am getting better, I get taken 2 steps back. 22 Veterans a Day is no Fucking joke. And I never saw COMBAT for Christ's sake! Fuck dude.
I'm telling you. This bitch I thought was a friend, can go to Hell for all I care. I was the most non-violent I could be by cutting ties. I am proud of myself. I did not go the fuck off on that crazy bitch. I did not let her continue to talk to me with disrespect in her tone. She isn't half the woman she thinks she is, other than size, which she is likely twice that.
I am so fed up with crazy ass people.
Caleb just got up for a drink. He was sleeping in the living room. I wonder where he went.
She lives a few streets away from us. It's like this, if you know me, and can't see that I'm doing the best I can with the little I have going for me, you don't know me.
Fuck my fucking back hurts like a God damned bitch. I'm taking my angry ass to bed.
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