5 Year Journal Day 193

      Today's prompt is "If you were a literary character, who would you be?" I have to give that some thought.

     It is now 3:56 a.m. on Tuesday. Yesterday was a busy and productive day. It started out slowly, but eventually I took a shower and got moving. Caleb and I went and delivered a gift bag to Alisa's family first. Then we went to Eagles Beach Store looking for saltwater taffy. They did not have any. I went to Beach Life Store, they did not have any. I walked down the sidewalk and came visited the other stores on the strip mall. Caleb and I eventually ended up at Bubba's where they sold homemade fudge! 

     I went to the post office to send out some gifts. Then we went to deliver a gift bag to Shannon's family. After that we went to Walmart to get vegetables  to cook for dinner. I totally forgot to buy a charging cable for my phone. While finishing up at the self checkout, Associate Pastor Rick Russell ran into us. He asked how I was doing. I quickly said "I'm ok." Then he tilted his head, and looked at me over his glasses, and asked "How are you really doing?" I was ok in the moment. I was happy to be able to buy vegetables and other groceries. I was happy I was able to deliver gifts. I was happy to have found saltwater taffy. I was happy to be able to afford to mail gifts. It was a good day, much unlike yesterday. When he asked me the second time, though, a somber feeling came over me. He walked us out of Walmart, and said he had something for me. He gave me an Advent devotional created by members of the church, which I thought was very cool of them to have done. He wants me to call him so he can pray with us like he use to do, and have communion. 

     After that, I went to the gas station and filled up the Mazda gas tank. From there we drove home. Once home, I quickly made a couple of tuna fish sandwiches. It was getting to be late in the afternoon, and I was getting hungry. I messaged my mom about what happened at Walmart. 

     I messaged my Aunt Lisa about my future plans for gift giving for Caleb's Christmas and Caleb's birthday coming up. 

     I messaged Rachel letting her know that her birthday present would be late this year, but that I was thinking about her. 

     We had to run to Publix to buy bread because I forgot I wanted to stop there on the way home.

     I had a video call with my facebook friend, Violet. She led me through a full moon ritual for releasing things that no longer serve my greater good. We video chatted for 2 hours! It was awesome. 

     So all in all, I had a really good day. 180 degree turn from the day before. 

     I shared with Caleb what we gave to the people we gave gift bags to, so he would understand what we did as a family. I want him to know that just because we don't have alot to give, doesn't mean we can't give. 

     I bought Caleb a popcorn bin for Christmas yesterday! I was so happy to be able to do that for him. It's an annual Christmas present that he looks forward to every year, and Christmas just wouldn't be the same without it. 

     I still have to put up the Christmas tree. It never left the living room since last year. I meant to put it away in the shed, but I never got around to it. 

     I think we are going to be ok for the next 2 weeks. I don't have much left over in the form of cash, so I really hope I don't have any emergencies. I still have some things I have to send in the mail, but they will have to wait until next payday. Some people will get their gifts late this year. 

     I think I will be able to get the Axe gift set for Caleb, as well as the shortbread cookies, and candy he wants. I am very happy about that. I also realize that I can't give him everything he wants because he has expensive taste for video games, music, and electronics. I am ok with that. He will just have to understand that I can't afford those things, and I wish I could buy them for him. He's a good hearted kid. I want him to be happy. 

     This year has been challenging for us with the changes we have had to make. I never would have made it throughout the year without the help of my Aunt Lisa. I just don't have the resources to do everything on my own. I wish I did. 

     Tomorrow I have mindfulness yoga with Dr. Gellman and the Veteran Ladies. I need to clean up and get working on my laundry. I have been saying that for over a week now, and it's time I made some progress on that. 

     I figured out how to adjust my bra straps to fit my needs better. I no longer feel like the girls are just flopping around in my bra, sagging. I plan on returning the bras I bought once I get them in the mail. I can't really afford to spend on things I don't absolutely need. I can do without a maximum support bra. I am too big to run, jump, and play without hurting myself. I just thought I needed the extra support. Turns out the bras I have are good enough, just needed some adjusting. I also bought some compression shorts and some compression tank tops. I will be keeping them as I feel they will help me stand and walk better, and will therefor allow me to do more without pain. 

     Today is December 1st, and I have already started listening to Christmas music on the radio. 

     My facial sores are healing and becoming smaller. Thank God. One was as big as a red potato and just as red too! Embarrassing. It is now the size of a nickel and not nearly as swollen. 

     Caleb has been going fishing again lately. It helps to let him have outdoor time. It only makes it harder on us to stay inside all the time. 

     Bella smells like corn chips and needs a bath soon. LOL My Bella boo boo. 

     I can't wait to see all the unique finds Aunt Lisa has made in grandpa's collection he has in his storage units. I still have to look through the stuff on my porch before being able to throw away the junk my dad left behind. I want to be sure I don't throw away anything important. 

     

This is Mathew with my dad when Mathew was a baby, and me with my mom, when I was a baby.

Grandpa de Mello in Brazil.

Grandpa de Mello working as a driver.

From left to right: Uncle Marc, "Vovo" (my great-grandfather de Mello), and grandpa de Mello.

The house in Recife, Brazil.

     These are some of the photos that Erick shared with me the other day when we were chatting online.

     I still have to scan those records. I have to find them first. I am pretty sure they are in the shed, but I do not know where exactly in the shed they are. 

     I have not completed moving my books from the china cabinet. If I have another good day tomorrow, I will be sure to do that. I like having my things organized neatly. 

     I want Caleb to start writing in his journal again. So, I will have him reflect on the things that have happened this year and how they have affected him, one thing a day. 

     I miss my family and wish we could celebrate the holidays together. I miss hearing Kennedi in the background of my video calls with Nichole asking for chocolate chip pancakes first thing in the morning. LOL The look on Nichole's face! 

     I miss my dad. I don't miss Sharon so much, but I use to spend alot of time with my dad. He use to drive me crazy. I never had a healthy relationship with him. I would shutdown as that's what my childhood was like. I would hold onto any contrary arguments in my head and not let them out, just because I know how my dad is. I am so different from other people. It becomes increasingly obvious when he and Sharon bring up her kids, or even Mathew. I am the only female who served in the armed forces. I am the only child who is divorced. I am the only child who had a child out of wedlock, AND does not know the father. I am the only child who is disabled to the point of not being able to work. I am the only child who is single AND parenting. I am the only child who went to a traditional college campus to earn my degree AND paid for it myself. I am the only child who ever allowed my dad AND Sharon to live with me, not once, but twice. I am the only child who, in my 30's has had a same-sex relationship. It's not much different in comparison to my half-brother and half-sister by my mom. 

      I want to teach Caleb how to thrive in difficult situations. Lord knows I have been through alot of them, and continue to live through them. 

     I wish I could get my act together so I could teach him the things  I think are important. It's hard to keep his concentration because I am not a video game. I don't provide the thrill of war games. 

     Things I want Caleb to know: 

     

     It's ok to not know everything under the sun, nobody does. It's natural to get things wrong from time to time, everybody makes mistakes. It's important to apologize when you have done harm or made a mistake. Faith begins with a thought that can guide us in the right direction. My faith has held me up through trying times when I felt I was drowning in bad circumstances. Other people's opinions don't have to affect you. Boundaries are important in daily living. Grounding is an essential skill that I did not learn until I now. God is everywhere at all times. Do no harm, it will pay off, no matter how angry you get. Learn how to manage your mental health. Learn how to manage your physical health. Eat whole, unprocessed, foods. Drink plenty of water. Read and expand your mind. Travel to see the world. Service to others is important. Use Jesus as an example. Learn what it means to be a critical thinker, and become one. Don't let others make your choices for you. Stand up for yourself, but remain kind. Vote.       

     Everybody is unique. No person is exactly the same as any other person. Be you at all times. 

     Life can be lonely, but don't settle for abusive relationships just to have companionship. 

     Be a leader. Lead by example. Learn from your mistakes. Learn how to manage your finances so that you are not always on the search for the next best job to pay your bills. Don't worry about impressing others, that will come naturally. Learn to ask for help when you need it. Respect yourself and others. Allow others to be who they are. Love without end. Care for the environment and take care of our planet. 

     "Mind over matter." 

     I feel like I have so much to teach him and am running out of time. I am not focusing on his learning as much as I want to because I have other responsibilities that I have to take care of too. I am constantly trying to make our lives better in one way or another. I hope one day he realizes the effort I put into making our lives as good as I can. I hope one day he appreciates the work I have done, am doing, and will do. 

     I feel I am failing him but I manage to keep a roof over our heads. The electricity nor water is never shut off. We have phone service and wifi. We have reliable transportation. We have regular medical care. I manage to keep food in the house. We have clothes and shoes to wear. We have a good relationship. 

     I am just not doing my best at managing the house cleanliness, nor the homeschooling effort. 

     What am I missing? I need to look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs and see where I can make things better. 

     I am always learning something new and applying it to our lives. I am trying to stay current in our medical health knowledge. It's alot of work. We both require help. 

     I am trying to heal myself so I do not project my wounds onto Caleb. I think I have done well so far. We've been through alot together. He has still has his own wounds, but most of them were not created by me intentionally. The ones I think of are that he is without a father, and that he was taken into emergency foster care. I could not avoid either of those scenarios. 

     Caleb seems to have alot less anger these days. He explodes alot less frequently and I am sure it is not the doing of his medication, but rather that we work together for the most part, as a team. I need him to understand that I want good things for him. I want him to be happy. I want myself to be happy too. I want us both to be as healthy as we can be. I want a healthy relationship with my only child. I want to have honest conversations about things, and be able to openly express our emotions. 

     I want him to grow up caring about not only himself, but other people as well. 

     I wish I wasn't trying to do this alone. 

     I wish I had a life partner who could help me raise Caleb to be the best version of himself. 

     It's now 6:24 a.m. and I am ready to go back to bed. I am taking my iron pill with orange juice and going to rest my eyes for a bit.