Thursday, December 31, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 219

     Today's prompt is "Who are you?" I am Jennifer Lynn de Mello from beginning to end. I have never changed my name, and I will never change my name. 

     It is now 2:49 a.m. here and Caleb has been awake since about 1:00 a.m. I finally got up after not being able to stay asleep. Caleb just made us hot dogs. Yesterday, I got up around 9 in the morning, and found out that I got paid, so I went to work paying the bills. After I paid the bills, I began writing my pen pal, Deborah Forbes. I only wrote one page front and back, and felt that it was not enough to send. I was hungry but did not have any bread in the house to make a sandwich, so I made some Progresso soups. I like to mix the lasagna style soup with the Minestrone. I then took my medications. By that time, it was already almost noon. I got very tired very quickly after eating soup and taking my medications, so I went to my bed for a nap. I stayed in bed from about noon to about 5:30 p.m. I was just sooo tired. 

     So, because I slept all afternoon, I was not able to get anything done. I don't know what came over me. I just crashed after I ate brunch. 

     Today is Caleb's birthday! He is a New Year's Eve baby! He turns 12 today. I cannot believe he has grown so much. I remember him as a baby. It does not seem like it has been 12 years already. He has a few surprises coming his way today. I hope he likes them all!

     Today Caleb has one appointment. It will his final occupational therapy appointment. He will graduate from OT. Other than that, I have no plans for myself. I want to take Caleb out to eat a chimichanga. He keeps asking about them, and it is time he try one. 

     We are not having a party for Caleb's birthday or for New Year's Eve. As a matter of fact, I will probably be in bed before 8:00 p.m. 

     I have been having alot of anger in my head about Caleb's biological father. I am reliving what happened, and getting angry about how my life changed forever when I got pregnant by a stranger. I am angry about 12 years of single parenting a child with special needs, while trying to take care of myself too. I have given up so much, sacrificed so much. He does not even know about Caleb. It had no effect on him whatsoever. A part of me wants to see his life changed forever in the most horrible way possible. Just out of the blue, wham! A rape charge with news of a child being born, who is now 12 years old. I am just so angry about it. I could not even write about it until now. 

     I love Caleb enough to care about his feelings, or I would have done just that when it first occurred to me. I don't want Caleb to feel bad. I do want his father to be held accountable for his actions and what happened as a result. It is so unfair and unjust towards me. I feel like I have been punished for being a woman in the Army, who drank alcohol one night. 

     At the very least, he owes us child support. I am on food stamps and going to a food pantry every month. He should be preventing that. I should not have to ask my Aunt Lisa for money to make it through the month. If I could not feel her love for me and Caleb, I would be so ashamed. 

     I did belong to groups for  Military Sexual Trauma (MST) Survivors. I don't feel like I belong there. I was not violently assaulted. I was forced into a pregnancy that I did not plan with a man I had no relationship with. 

     Anyway, I am suppose to talk to Aunt Lisa about going to report rape. I have to think about how it will impact my family, more than how it will impact his. I don't give a fuck if he loses everything, because I already lost my career in the Army when I got pregnant. 

     I just gave Caleb his birthday presents. He got a pair of basketball shoes in his size to replace the ones he has that he has outgrown. He got a Minecraft hat, and a multi-colored unicorn onesie pajama! He wanted all those things. He loves unicorns these days. 

     I do love Caleb. I hate how he was conceived. I hate that I had to parent him alone. I hate the hoops I had to jump through to keep us from being homeless or going out of food. 

     He is happy with his new stuff, and I am a happy mama for him. He brings me such joy sometimes. He frustrates the hell out of me most times. I am glad to have him with me now, during this pandemic.

     I am just going to take things real nice and slow. I'm going to take my iron pill and orange juice and go lay down. I wish I had the book lights that Aunt Lisa bought for me already, because I would use them now. I have lots of reading to do, but bad lighting in my room. 

No comments:

Post a Comment