Today's prompt is "What was the last road trip you took?" My last road trip was the evacuation due to Hurricane Florence where we evacuated to South Carolina then to Missouri and back home again.
It is now 4:10 a.m. on Wednesday the 23rd of December. It is nice and cold in here. I did not want to get out of bed, but I knew that I would not be able to fall back asleep because this is the second or third time waking up in the last hour or so.
Yesterday I did not want to get out of bed. I slept in as much as possible, and did not get out of bed until sometime after 10:00. If I could have, I would have stayed in bed all day. I knew that was an impossibility due to Caleb needing to go out to his appointments. I woke up and took my medications, and before I knew it, it was time to leave to Caleb's first afternoon appointment with his therapist. Immediately after that, he had his second appointment with his occupational therapist.
When we were done there, we went to Walmart so i could see if they had restocked their caffeine water. They had not. I also wanted to buy some salad vegetables. I bought, mushrooms, roma tomatoes, cucumbers, and avocados. We then went to Publix to buy bread. The bread was resting as it had just come from the oven. It needed time to cool off before it could be sliced, approximately 15 minutes, so I decided to go Food Lion. I prefer to get my lettuce from Food Lion because it is not usually expensive there, and they are so green and leafy. Just beautiful lettuces. I bought romaine, green leaf, and red leaf lettuce. I went back to Publix and bought the bread that was waiting for us.
We came home, and for the first time ever Caleb wanted to eat salad. I was shocked! I made salad that he would eat first. I washed and cut a little of each of the lettuces, some cucumber, and red onion. I took his share of the huge salad I was making, and placed it in a container for him to eat. I then continued to make my salad the way I wanted it. He does not like tomatoes or mushrooms. I also decided to add an avocado. It turned out delicious!
Caleb and I were both tired. After I took my medications, I went to bed and listened to second chakra healing music. Right now I am listening to "All 7 chakras healing music" on youtube.
We had a rough a beginning of the day because I was tired and Caleb was hyperactive. He wanted to pour a liter of water on me while I was in bed. He didn't do it, but he threatened to do it. I was singing to Bella. It annoys the Hell out of Caleb. He hates it. He pulled the blankets off of me while I was still laying in bed with Bella. He wanted to get Bella up and out of the room so I would stop singing to her. I told him he needed to get out of my room. He tried to tell me that my bedroom was a shared room. I told him it was not a shared room, that it was my room. I told him that if he did not want to hear me sing to Bella, he could leave my room and go to his room. He eventually went to his room and got mad because he could still hear me. He began to slam his door to his bedroom. He wasn't going to upset me. I have been around him too long to let things like that get me worked up. Eventually I got up and got our medications ready. He was trying to say he was behaving that way because I had not given him medications. Ok. Well, just because he has not had his medications does not mean he can do whatever he wants and misbehave.
I went in with him to his therapist appointment as I always do. I always start the therapy session with a briefing to his therapist because I know that if Caleb goes in there alone, she will have no idea what he is like at home. He will not tell her what I will tell her, and what he needs to be working on. I told her about the morning, because that is what was on my mind. I told her about how we have food because someone (my mom and Aunt Lisa ) gave us money. I told her we have presents under the tree because someone (not me) gave us presents by adopting our family for Christmas.
I spoke my mind about having trouble with getting him to cooperate about anything. She asked "What kind of things?" and I told her, daily chores, little tasks around the house. His answer is "No." every time. I said that we need to be grateful for having food that someone else allowed us to have. We should be grateful for presents that we would not have if it were not for the hard work of others to make it happen. I told them both that if it were only up to me, that there would be no presents. It would not be because I do not want presents, it would be because I do not have the extra money to buy presents.
I said something about how we should be respectful of the things that are given to us, by me, or by others. One way or another, someone worked hard to make things happen for us. We should take care of our home because it provides us shelter. We should take care of our home because cleanliness keeps us free from illnesses and diseases. I told them that it is not a matter of preference, but a matter of science.
When we went to Caleb's occupational therapist appointment, I discussed with Brittini when his last appointment will be. His last appointment in next week, on his birthday. She asked if we had anything planned, and I told her "No" and that I wanted to buy a single serving cake for Caleb, but did not have the money. She said she had planned on buying him a cupcake to celebrate his graduation. That is really sweet of her. She asked if he has anything that he wants for his birthday, and I told her that I could not think of anything. She is planning on getting a gift card.
I find that the people at Publix are generally very nice and seem happy to be there. I always get greeted at the door. I like shopping there, I get positive vibes from the people who work there.
While waiting for Caleb at his occupational therapist appointment, I learned some energy body shielding techniques from a program I bought about empaths. I began a grounding meditation, but did not complete it before Caleb finished his appointment. I feel pretty good about not wasting any time today.
Bella is keeping my feet warm under the kitchen table. It is now 4:59 a.m. here. I am still listening to the chakra healing music.
I was just doing some shoulder rolls and thoughts about my combat medic training came to mind. I was thinking about doing fireman carries and other types of carries under fire. I mean, I have so many thoughts about "What if" from that training period in Ft. Sam Houston, TX. I was exposed to videos and photos of combat traumas. I was trained on how to handle them "out there" in the middle of nowhere. I don't remember alot of my medical training because I did not get the opportunity to use it after I learned it. It's one of those things, "Use it or Lose it." I remember how training made me feel. I felt important and scared that I would fail my battle buddies. I felt like alot of people's lives were in my hands . I know that if I did not get the training down right, someone could die. It was alot of pressure to succeed.
As proud as I was to get to the very last week of training, and passing my National Registry Emergency Medical Training test, I was relieved when I could no longer continue. By that point I was so fucked up in the head that I could not function. Mathew's high school friend's brother died in Afghanistan while I was in training, and that set me off. Mathew was deployed at the time too. One night I cried all night until I finally fell asleep. I woke up with bags under my eyes from crying so hard. It was not for Mathew's friend, it was for the danger that Mathew could be in, and me having the training to save his life and not be there, just be completely unable to save his life. It was a "Come to God" moment in my life. I have never prayed so hard in all my life. I felt so helpless. So isolated. No one around me could understand what I was going through. My journey was my own. I walked it alone.
I wish I could have finished combat medic training. The only thing I had left to do was complete the training at Brooke Army Medical Center (hospital) by shadowing different medical professionals for a week, and then graduate. I made it through the hardest parts of training. I wanted to be called a combat medic so badly after having been to the museum on post.
I thought alot about people in my life dying after that. It made me so depressed. I was fighting alot with Nigel at the time. He was harassing me while I was in training. He even called my chain of command at Ft. Sam Houston because I refused to argue with him. He was accusing me of cheating on him, when all I was doing at the time was training and sleeping. I could not get enough sleep. Training was hard and my days started at 0400 and did not end until about 1700 if we were lucky. All I wanted to do was sleep. I could not breathe while I tried to sleep. I did not know that this was called sleep apnea. I did not know that something could be done about it. I did not have the time to go to get it checked out. It is frowned upon to go to sick-call while in training.
Eventually I did cheat on him. He wouldn't believe me that I wasn't , and I told him I wanted a divorce. He would not grant me a divorce. I do not know why. He had not seen me in almost a year, and was treating me like shit.
I did not have alot of time to relay messages to anyone. I stopped writing Nigel in basic training as I was so tired. I did not write anymore letters after that. I just wanted to rest and sleep. I swear I counted the days until the weekends when we could rest and relax. Army training environments are stressful as it is. I happen to be a highly sensitive person (HSP) or empath. Dude. So drained was I.
I even had a panic attack at Ft. Sam Houston one night. I thought something was seriously wrong with me and was having trouble gaining control of my breathing. I was hyperventilating but feeling like I couldn't catch my breath. It came out of nowhere one night after a long day of training. My battle buddy escorted me downstairs to the Drill Sergeants on duty. They were able to get me to calm down.
I remember my friends from my platoon, well, from my squad anyway. Emily Deese was my bunk buddy. She called the bottom bunk and I was like well damn it. So I got the top bunk. I had to climb up there every night and climb down to pee in the middle of the night. It was such a hassle. I thought I was going to fall all the time. I was afraid to rollover at all. I carefully centered myself in the bed every night and slept on my back so I could breathe easier.
I volunteered to go Airborne while I was there. I got slotted for school the same day I was put on crutches. I cried while I was in formation and heard my name for acceptance to Airborne school.
Well, that was a long time ago. That was back in 2007. I have since looked up Nigel on facebook. He is an old man now. He is about 10 years my senior. I grew so much outside of the environment I was in with him. When I left for basic training, I never thought I would change so much, so quickly. My physical appearance changed, my mindset changed, everything changed in a matter of weeks. I just could not deal with his needs anymore. He was a grown man who could not figure out how to pay the bills without me. This was actually something he told me while I was in Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri in BCT. What the hell was I supposed to do? I had a maximum of 10 minutes on the cell phone on Sundays, and no computer time. He spent that 10 minutes complaining to me. I just did not need the added stress. Then he got mad when I started calling my dad instead of him. My dad helped me stay focused to keep going and not give up. When I was a holdover for stress fractures to my hips and femurs, and on crutches, Nigel told me that I needed to come home. My dad told me to stick it out, which is what I wanted to do. I knew I needed this job. I knew I needed free job training. I knew I needed college money, and this was the only way I was going to get that.
There was no turning back for me. I did not want to go back home and go back to same shit I left behind. I left it behind for a good reason. I did not want to grow old in a one bedroom apartment, not able to work or hold a job because what I was qualified to do was not challenging enough, and did not pay enough. I knew I wanted to complete my college degree. That was my main goal for moving to Greensboro in the first place. How I got so wound up with Nigel is beyond me.
My parents did not save for my college education. I was expected to pay for it myself. I was not guided on how to apply for scholarships and grants. I was not told the reason why my dad wanted me to go to community college first. I wanted to escape my dad and Sharon and get as far away from them as I could. They were and are toxic people.
If I could do it all again, I would have applied for every scholarship and grant under the sun that I qualified for. I would have gone to community college and completed my associate's degree first before transferring to a four year college or university. I would have saved alot of money that way. I would have given myself time to figure out what was my heart's desire to do for the rest of my life. At that time, I was so triggered by my dad and Sharon, I could only think of getting away fast.
I spent so much of my life trying to fix things with them. It never worked. It will never work. I see that now. They are toxic. That is all there is to it. I should stay away from them at all costs. I have given enough of my time and energy trying to do various things to keep my dad in my life, but last year was the absolute end. I might not ever see him again , alive. He might not ever see me again, because he is practically blind now. Unless he can have surgery to correct the problems with his eyesight...
If my mom had been a bigger part of my life, I might have made different choices. I was working with what I had. The problem with being a good student and being "smart" is that people assume you are ok. I was never ok. Never. I just knew how to keep to myself. With the help of a few high school friends, including Rachel, I was able to still have a happy life. She helped me, whether she knows it or not, through some things that were going on in Sharon's house that should have never happened. Abuse is Never ok/
I have had self-esteem issues my entire life. I was never good enough, no matter what I did. I was different, and people were not drawn to my quiet nature. I kept to myself because I was hiding the abuses that were happening at home. It was hard to build myself up, but I did it. My self-esteem is not based upon my looks. I do not care how others see my physical form. I accept that I will be looked down upon in this society where obese women are body shamed. I accept that I may never find a partner to live my life with. It does not keep me from trying to better myself and my situation. It does not keep me from trying to raise Caleb with a heart and empathy for others. Bella shows me love no matter what day it is. I do not look forward to her passing away. I think about it often. I cannot help but know that one day it will happen, and no matter when it happens, it will be too soon for me.
Violet told me that I am "Star Seed" , an "old soul" , an "angel on Earth." She told me that my purpose is to communicate what cannot be communicated with language. This was after having many conversations with her. I do not yet know what a Star Seed is. I do believe that I am old soul. I have always been mature for my age. I do not think I am an angel on Earth, although it's a nice thought.
I know I have alot of love for people. I know that I was willing to give my life for the American people of the United States. I know that I would have died trying to save another soldier's life. I know that I have a relationship with Jesus that stemmed from when I was a child. I believe we are more than what we can imagine we are. When I was in San Antonio at a bookstore one weekend, and looking at a collection of metaphysical books, a guy came behind me and whispered "Sexy Witch" and disappeared. I think I have been practicing my own version of magic for quite awhile. I use to play in the yard and collect nuts, and weeds, and grasses and things to create spells with.
I know we have energy bodies that require care. I know we can send energy across time and space with our minds. I know we can do things that were not thought possible. I have been researching phenomena since my early twenties. I am now 37 and just now being able to settle down long enough to learn and practice some techniques myself.
I know there are higher powers. I just know. I don't remember all the things I could share that make me think these things, and it's unfortunate. Maybe if I spend more time meditating they will come back to the forefront of my mind.
It is now 6:37 a.m. and Caleb will be waking in a few hours. I should get some rest. I have been more tired than usual lately, and caffeine is not helping. I am just going to take my iron pill and orange juice and go rest for awhile.
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