Today's prompt is " Does anything hurt today?" Yes, my hips and lower back hurt.
It is now 2:48 a.m. here. Yesterday, I had a bad day. I woke up to a dark grey sky and no sunshine. I was tired even though I slept in. I had alot to do, but didn't get much done. I was listening to loud music on the bluetooth speaker and singing while I was washing dishes when Caleb came home from his walk. I did not hear the door open. Caleb caught me off guard and tapped me on the shoulder from behind. I swung at him before I realized it was Caleb. I yelled at him, " What the Hell do you think you are doing? What the Fuck is wrong with you?!" Caleb bowed his head and walked out of the room quickly. I did not hit him. He startled me and I reacted in my survival instinct. PTSD at its finest.
After I took a few deep breaths, and sat down, I yelled for Caleb to come back. I told him for the thousandth time that he can't be doing things like that to me. He could have gotten hurt. I could have hurt him, and wouldn't even realize it until it was too late. I told him again that I have PTSD, and that traumatic things happened to me, and that I reacted without thinking. I reacted before I had the chance to think. He told me and showed me where I made him pee his pants. I felt like shit. I could have lost my shit and never seen it coming.
He gave me a hug, and told him that I love him. He told me that he loves me. I played music and sang from my chair for a long time, just trying to calm myself down and reset.
Later Caleb asked for something to eat because he was hungry. He wanted eggs, but we found that the eggs in the freezer were several months passed the expiration date. We threw them out, and I asked if he wanted to go buy some eggs. He said "Yeah."
We were originally going to Food Lion, but on the way, I asked "Do you want to go to Walmart? Then I could buy chips and salsa." So we went to Walmart instead. We bought some groceries and came home. I found the electrolyte water that Violet told me about.
After being home for a little while, I got a response from Shannon to my question that I text her. Here's the conversation:
Me: Caleb's birthday is Dec 31. Is there any way Jr can make a card for Christmas and/or Caleb's birthday for him?
Shannon: Of course he will. He's not yet Christmas and after the holidays is when we usually deliver to friends.
Shannon: It's not yet***
Shannon: To assume he wouldn't is, to be honest, ridiculous. And if expecting a gift for giving one is how you expect me to operate, you are sadly mistaken. I do as my heart leads and I don't keep receipts for what I do or don't do do for people. I give from the heart.
Me: Ok so did you know that Caleb's birthday was coming up?
Me: Because the point was to tell you that his birthday is coming up
Me: Nobody knows that yet
Shannon: Then say his birthday and leave out Christmas and yes I know his bir to day is in December. As is mine and my husbands.
Me: He's not having a party this year so I wanted to ask for a card
Shannon: Did he have a party last year?
Me: What is your attitude really about?
Me: We had a family gathering last year
Shannon: My point.
Shannon: No attitude.
Me: You are all attitude
Me: Forget I asked damn
Shannon: You shouldn't have to ask
At this point, I blocked her and unfriended her.
I couldn't be bothered to continue the insane war with her over a piece of paper that was hand written (a homemade birthday card and/or Christmas card).
I tried to remain civil and before I had the chance to really tell her off, I blocked her and unfriended her. I am too mature for that shit. Unfortunately it did hurt me. It hurt me alot. I am a sensitive person and I cried. I cried alot. She is a bitch Grinch.
This is not a person who reads my blog. She does not have the slightest clue as to what we go through. She has no heart for us. Has she been there for us in the recent past? Yes. I went to the hospital for a possible stroke, and she watched Caleb for me. She brought me pepto bismol when I was having chronic diarrhea. I brought her a Chloe and Isabel necklace to thank her. Her birthday was friday, and I was not feeling well, but I wrote "Happy birthday" on her facebook page, which she recently returned to.
I recently wrote this post on Facebook (2 days ago):
"Can I remind people , it is the time for giving. I am a single, disabled veteran and mother and have given. Caleb has not so much as gotten one card from his friends. If I have reached out to you with a card and/or gift, please reciprocate. I shouldn't have to say that to adults, but apparently I do.
P.S. Christmas candies and a Christmas card would be nice!"
She was one of the families we gave to that could not be bothered to give a card and some candies. So, I don't feel bad about that. I was simply reminding her and others, that hey, we are over here alone. Not only am I a single parent, but we are homeschooling this year. Caleb has not seen but a few kids his age since March because he is not going to school. I wasn't asking for a new PS5 or whatever the newest console is. I was asking for a fucking card and some candy. Less than $5 worth of stuff. She apparently chose to be offended by that. Apparently she knew she was one of the people I was talking about.
You wanna be greedy, when you live in a 2 parent home with the latest gadgets and vehicles, when I ask for a fucking card and some candy for my only child? Hey, that's on you chick. God watches you just like he watched me make that gift bag for your whole family.
So yeah, I was angry and emotionally conflicted yesterday about those things. I thought we were friends. She acts like she is hard, but can't take a reminder from a friend. So how hard is that? Weak. Lame.
Apparently it took too much strength to acknowledge that I was asking the people I showed love to, to show love to Caleb. I guess it's easier to hate on me, than acknowledge that all she had to do was communicate that she was thinking about us, and wouldn't let Christmas or Caleb's birthday pass without a fucking card.
I wanted my life to end yesterday. I wanted to drink alcohol until I reached a diabetic coma and died. I don't want to live in this world where people who are supposed to be friends can't talk to one another. I wasn't just talking about her. I was referring to 2 other families at the same time. I bet she thought I was singling her out. I was and at the same time, I wasn't. Mass communication.
Alisa didn't react that way. Donna didn't react that way. As a matter of fact, Donna offered to throw Caleb a birthday party! So, you know, I'd rather cut ties with that bitch.
A fucking card just isn't worth my mental health. Neither is she.
Today, I need to clean. I only got some dishes handwashed yesterday. I have so much more to do. I should probably start with picking up trash and recycling that fell out of the bags. That way it's all out to be picked up by waste management.
I have been sweating all night. It is just not cold enough in here.
Caleb woke me up. He is awake still.
I just took my iron pill and orange juice. It is now 4:00 a.m. here. Caleb wants some scrambled eggs right now. I am not cooking right now. That is crazy talk.
I went the whole day without talking to Violet. We were supposed to talk while she was cooking at her mother-in-law's house.
I did talk with my Aunt Lisa about what happened.
My mom called to ask if I was ok. I was already in bed and had just stopped crying when she called. I didn't answer my phone, so she called Caleb's phone. Caleb came in and woke me up. I started getting all emotional all over again and crying and just told her I didn't really want to talk about about it and just wanted to go to sleep.
I don't think I was asking for more than I deserve. I don't think I was out of line expressing how I felt. I hate being so sensitive sometimes.
I am ready to go back to bed.
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