5 Year Journal Day 162

     Today's prompt is " How many cups of coffee did you drink today?" None, coffee makes me feel sick to my stomach these days.

     It is now 3:01 a.m. and I am awake because I developed yuck mouth and needed a soda to clear it out. Yesterday was a pretty good day. i tried to chill out and relax as much as possible. I still emailed my PCP, and my neurologist. I finally got my travel pay documentation emailed in. Let's see, I watched the first of some videos that I signed up to watch that were free. I created a new spreadsheet so I could print out a worksheet to log my blood pressures on. Yesterday was the first whole day of taking my dietary supplements for weight management. It wasn't bad. I don't know how much it helped, but I was able to try it. 

     I fully loaded the dishwasher, and washed some dishes by hand before making dinner. It was not what I planned on making, but it made my life easier. I made haddock fillets, broccoli, and black beans for dinner. It was a good dinner for me. 

     I went to Publix for Caleb, and ended up buying a few things. I got one thing for free, because an old sale sign was left up, and I was not charged that price. The manager gave it to us for free when we brought it up after she realized the mistake. It was 1 lbs. of imitation crab meat, that was supposed to be $5.99/lbs. but was rung up for $7.19/lbs. or something like that.  Anyway, free food ! I was so happy! 

     Yeah, so, that was pretty much my day. Not very exciting, but very relaxing. I was trying to stay low key and not stress. Today is Halloween. Caleb is going to go celebrate with a friend of his. I will stay at home. It is easier that way. 

     I was going to try to go to Wilmington tomorrow, but I have decided it can wait a few days. I need to return that shapewear to Lane Bryant to get my money back. 

     I was not successful taking my blood pressure throughout the day because I did not think about it at all, so I did not remember to do it. I need to do better today. 

     I do not have much planned for today. I need to finish cleaning up the kitchen, pick up some trash here and there, and get some laundry done. I am still going to try to keep it relaxed and not raise my blood pressure. Nice and easy does it. 

     I think I need another 3 ring binder and  a college ruled notebook journal of some sort. I am going to have to shop around for the perfect journal. This next year is going to be different. 

     I have put together a list of things I would like to buy one day from amazon for my collections. I have some herbs and things I would like to have. 

     I would like to get rid of this china cabinet so I can have my bookcase where it now stands. There is so much I would like to do around here. The work is never-ending. I have to learn to not stress about it though because it is not going to dramatically change anytime soon, and stressing about it doesn't make it better. 

     November is right around the corner. My anniversary date of exiting the Army is the day after Veterans' Day. It will have been a whole 10 years since I have been out of the service. I can't believe it has been that long, but I can believe it at the same the same time. I am so glad I got the nerve to enlist. I fought the idea of going into the military for so long. I wanted to go to college and make good money for my lifetime doing something I liked. I did not want to be yelled at, and forced to do things that were unpleasant, or go fight wars. After I saw Mathew graduate Basic Training though, I knew I could be ok if I tried it too. It changed my life forever. I have experienced things only a small percent of the female population has experienced, and succeeded. Then I went to college and graduated, an even smaller amount of the female population has done both served in the military and graduated with a bachelor's degree. 

     I celebrate both Veterans' Day and my ETS date, so November 11th and 12th. Caleb just woke up and got mad at me for eating the rest of the cookies. Oops! I got the sugar munchies, and could not stop myself. He wanted to give some to his friend, Lonnie Jr. I think they will be plenty ok with all that candy they are about to get for Halloween. 

     Oh, I almost forgot. I gave myself a hair removal facial yesterday morning. Check it out. 

This versus this:

     You can't really tell, but I have a beard, and a mustache that I got rid of. I also did my eyebrows. I am quite proud. 

     Bella just got up. My boo boo, boo boo!

     So I have made a commitment for the next year to be involved in a women's group. I am going to learn things and grow in this group and I am very excited about it. It will require work on my part, so that will not be easy, but I will try my best. 

     Soon it will be Thanksgiving, and then even sooner Christmas! Oh my! I love the holidays. I love getting together with family and spending time together. I love to cook all day and relax on the couch. I love to share a big meal with people. Unfortunately, I will not be able to visit family this year, but we will be with friends, and that's good too. 

     The election will soon be over. November 3rd is next week. 

     Well, I guess I don't have much to say this morning. 

5 Year Journal Day 161

      Today's prompt is " What makes a good friend?" Dependable and reliable.

     It is now 4:13 a.m. here. I am awake because I got super thirsty from a super dry mouth. Yesterday started out good. We woke up and took our medications. I checked my account balance, and saw that I had been paid a day earlier than I was expecting, so I paid the bills right away. Then we went out to get Caleb's labs taken. Since we were on that side of town, I stopped by Walmart and did some grocery shopping. On the way back home, I picked Caleb's steroid cream up from the pharmacy. I was mostly home, and stopped at a traffic light that was blinking yellow for the turning lane, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere I saw an image in my mind's eye. I felt really strange, and not normal all of a sudden like sudden bad was going to happen. I put the Mazda in park and tried to find the emergency lights. I was unsuccessful using the emergency lights and pressed the wrong button. I was not able to think clearly. I was scared. I focused my breaths. I did not know if I could make it home safely, but I decided to drive anyway. I was less than 10 miles from home. I put everything I had into driving home, and when I got home, I tried to post about what was happening on facebook. I could not think clearly and posted gibberish. My Aunt Lisa just happened to catch the message and told me I should call 911, so I did. 

     The ambulance arrived and the EMTs took my blood sugar, 154, and my blood pressure, 184/106. I was able to speak clearly by the time they arrived. They asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, and I responded  "No." They did not tell me that anything was significant enough to be seen right away. It was later when a friend of mine, who was once a triage nurse, persuaded me that I should go to the ER. She said it sounded like I might have had a Trans-Ischemic-Attack/Mini Stroke. By then, it was around 6 something in the evening. The EMTs came around 12:30 p.m. I tried to call Shannon but her phone went to voice mail, so I was going to to take Caleb with me. I had called Shannon after I called the ambulance, and she came and picked Caleb up. I was almost to the hospital when she called me back, and we met at the hospital so she could take Caleb. 

     While at the hospital I had blood drawn, an ekg taken, and a CT scan done. Nothing showed any results for a stroke, but the doctor said, that does not mean I did not have one. I was happy to pick Caleb up and come home and sleep in my own bed. I was exhausted.

     I spent all morning working. Paying the bills alone normally wears me out, but I went to run errands right away. When I went to Walmart, I planned on only buying a few things, but I ended up buying a cart load. I went to the self-checkout and did all the work myself. I worked up a sweat and got tired. The groceries were heavy, alot of gallon water jugs, soda cases, juices, and almond milks plus other stuff. 

     I am happy that no signs of stroke were found. I am worried about what it was that happened. I do not understand it. I was fine until all of a sudden, I wasn't . It's scary. That God for Shannon Gordon. She lives a few blocks away, and owns her own business. She was able to get Caleb for me when I needed someone right away. I cannot thank her enough. 

     After the EMTs left, I had my first meal of the day, which was Progresso lasagna soup with added cheese. I took my afternoon supplements and went to take a nap. I was rudely awakened by a full bladder. I stayed awake, instead of going back to sleep. My blood pressure continued to rise again, after falling to what is considered normal for me, even though all I was doing was sitting still. 

     I am suppose to follow up with my doctor today. I need to see a neurologist and get a MRI taken. 

     I had to take my earrings out to have the CT Scan done, but I totally forgot about my nose rings. Because I was wearing a face mask, the technician did not see them to tell me to take them out. 

     I just want to sleep. I am so tired, but I am also so thirsty. 

     I called the 72 hour ER phone number for the VA, so that is taken care of. 

     The staff at Dosher Memorial Hospital were very pleasant. The doctor was nice to me too. I was able to calm down there. Normally I get into a panic with all the waiting around for results. Thank you      Dr. Hatem, nurses, and technicians who helped me yesterday! 

     Caleb slept in his own bed last night. Bella slept on the other side of the bed, so I had room, and did not feel like I was falling off the bed. 

     I expressed to Lonnie, Shannon's husband, that I wanted to show how much I appreciate her helping me when I need it the most, but that I do not have the money to spare. I wish I could give her hugs, but I could not walk up the stairs at her house. I sent her virtual hugs by text message. 

     My Aunt Lisa was there all day for me, checking up on me. I am thankful for her too. 

     I am thankful for my facebook lady veteran friend who was once a triage nurse who helped me get help too. Her name escapes me right now, but she is in my thoughts. 

     I think when I wake up, I will simply scan the paperwork I was sent home with and email my PCP and neurologist. I think I will take the day off and spend it in bed for the most part. I am just drained.

     On the bright side, I did get alot of my stuff done. I also received the Swanson supplements I was waiting for, and began taking them before dinner. I also received the Children's Place order I ordered for Caleb. His Fall/Winter clothes arrived so he will have comfy lounge clothes to keep warm in, and nice clothes to celebrate the holidays in. 

     It's this kind of thing that is the reason I did not want to live alone.

     It is now 5:00 a.m. here. 

     Halloween is Saturday. I do not plan on celebrating in any kind of way. I bought Caleb some pumpkin spice doughnuts, because he was asking for doughnuts, and they only come once a year. I also bought him some Cinnabon coffee keurig pods for him to try. I think he was happy with both. He ate the doughnuts right away. He ate the whole bag! LOL He didn't have breakfast, so I am sure he was hungry. He wanted me to eat doughnuts with him, but I told him no because I need to lose weight. I am trying to lose weight. 

     I was not hungry for dinner, which is usually the biggest meal of my day. I had taken the appetite suppressant supplements that are to be taken before a meal, before I left for the ER. I was not hungry when I came home several hours later. I was having trouble sleeping, and got up around 11 something to have a snack. I ate some chips and salsa, some lunchmeat ham, a very little bit of Mediterranean Feta Cheese, and some string cheese. I don't think those are bad choices. My labs showed that my sodium is still below normal  so I need to eat salt by either adding salt to my diet and/or drinking Gatorade Zero, which I have not been doing lately. 

     Hopefully with these new supplements I will be able to decrease my serving sizes and not be hungry. I am normally  not a breakfast person. I have a small to medium size lunch. I have a big vegetable filled dinner on my good days. On my bad days, I also have carbohydrates in my dinner. Every so often I make spaghetti for Caleb, and I try to add vegetables and meat to my spaghetti sauce to make it more nutritious, but pasta is just not good for me. It is not filling and I eat way too much at one time because it is delicious. 

     I am thinking about what to make for dinner tonight. I was able to buy beef stew meat at $3.99/lbs last week, so I think I am going to cook it in the crockpot with the broccoli I have, along with the kale and spinach, and some black beans to make my own kind of stew. Sounds good and nutritious to me. 

     I am not ready to go back to bed. I like typing. I am tired though. 

     I just cleaned my glasses, and I can see! LOL

     My Bella. Poor girl. Has no idea what is going on. I wish I could take her everywhere I go. She would always be able to comfort me, and I her. Caleb doesn't understand everything either. Poor boy. I know it's confusing. It's confusing to me too. 

     My mom has kept up with me on facebook, so I was happy for that. It shows she cares. Sometimes, facebook is all I can do. I am in such a habit of doing facebook that sometimes I can only do that to get help. I need people to pay attention for when I need help. I cannot always ask for help. Just like me getting home yesterday. I could only get home because I am in the habit of getting home. If I were doing something I don't normally do, I would have been screwed. I was relying on my long-term memory of habits. 

     Meanwhile, my house is a disaster area. It was an embarrassment when the EMTs came over. My kitchen is a mess. I have not been able to catch up yet. I am making Caleb do work for screen time on his phone. Hopefully that will help us get back on track faster. 

     I had to cancel Caleb's occupational therapy appointment yesterday because I did not feel safe enough to drive out there. I knew I needed to rest. I did not understand what happened to me. I still don't understand what happened to me, but I know I need lots of rest. 

     I was able to to get him to the hospital to have his labs done. We were able to get his steroid cream for his back itchies. I was able to pick up some much needed drinks and food for the house. I did get the bills paid. Part of me thinks I was pushing myself too hard too quickly. I did all these things before noon. 

     I am going to have a helluva time trying to get my earrings back in. I took almost all of them out. That's my cartilage, my 2 shen men piercings, and my regular ear piercings. The other one, I forgot what it's called, but I could not take it out. If I go to get a MRI I will definitely have to take them all out. Fuck! 

     I don't want to go to bed, but I know I need to. I want to stay up and hang out.  

     I just got up to use the bathroom and could not resist cuddling with Bella on the way back to my workspace. Oh that Bella Boo Boo, how I love her so! She is so soft and cuddly! 

     I think I am going to make a cheat sheet with all my dietary supplements on it, so I do not get confused since there are so many new ones I am trying.  

5 Year Journal Day 160

      Today's prompt is "What makes you miserable?" Another easy to answer question right there! Chronic pain and chronic depression. 

     It is now 5:45 a.m. and I am awake because I had to use the bathroom, and could not get comfortable again. Yesterday was an ok day, although I did not do as much as I would have liked. I was able to convince Caleb to do some chores to prep for me to do mine. Caleb got a virus on his computer and I spent the better part of the afternoon cleaning up the mess. Thank God Windows has not changed that much, that 19 years after my first computer I can still uninstall junk apps, quarantine viruses, and remove viruses. I ended the night resetting Caleb's computer altogether. He was not happy about that, but I was not the one who gave the viruses. I did the best I could so I wouldn't have to bring the computer back to Best Buy to have it fixed. 

     Today I have to take Caleb to the hospital to have his labs done. We are going to pick up his steroid cream for his back on the way home. He will have his occupational therapy appointment in the afternoon. I am already thinking about how I am going to handle dinner. The past few nights have been easy because I made so much chili at once, we just had leftovers. I am thinking I will make taco salad for dinner with the pre-cooked taco filling meat that I got from the food distribution. I have to eat the salad vegetables I have in the fridge before they go bad. 

     I got the water bill in the mail yesterday. Another month of low usage! Woop! Woop! 

     Yeah I've just been tired lately. I can't explain it. I couldn't get myself to get moving yesterday to get my chores done, even though I wanted them done. 

     I actually was able to sleep and not feel like I was falling off the bed last night. Bella slept in her crate, which is beside my bed. Caleb gave me room on the bed. 

     The mail is so slow! I was supposed to receive mail days ago and still have not received it . It's frustrating when you can't depend on the mail. 

     Today is my grandma's remembrance date on the Jewish calendar. I have to remember to not text Aunt Lisa . Rest in peace grandma. 

     It's weird to think that Fernando is in Brazil now, and never coming back. I hope he is getting the assistance he needs. 

     Caleb was complaining about back pain yesterday. I think he pulled a muscle doing something. The day before I had him lay in the bathtub and soak with bath salts, both for his back ache and for his itchy back. The bath salts had shea butter and cocoa butter in them to moisturize skin. He said he felt better, not itchy any more. I think it helped some with the back pain too. It's been awhile since he has taken a bath. Normally I tell him to take showers because he uses less water in the shower than in a bath. 

     I took a hot shower yesterday and almost didn't make it out of the bathroom. I can not be taking hot showers, with my high blood pressure. It's not safe. The knob for the water in the shower is still not fixed, so I have to ask Caleb to get the pliers to change the water temperature. I do not know when I will be able to get that fixed. I am praying for the day when I pay off  the credit card I used to buy my new bed. I will be able to afford to get things done around the house, one thing a month, when that is done. 

     I am planning to go to Wilmington next week, or maybe even over the weekend. I have to return the shapewear I bought from Lane Bryant, and I want to have my face threaded (hair removed). I like the Korean women who work at the place I have been to before. I went once to have my eyebrows done back when my dad was living with us. I just wanted the experience and to see if I liked it. My face looks so much better when my eyebrows are groomed, and I am more or less hairless elsewhere. I don't normally go to others to have my hair removed. I normally tweeze the hairs out, but it is so taxing as it is hard for me to see, even with the magnifying mirror, without my glasses on. 

     I have been making lists of things I want to buy. It has been fun to think that I might one day be able to buy the things on my lists. I like shopping around for things I don't necessarily need, but instead want. I haven't figured out what I am going to do for Caleb for Christmas and his birthday yet. I know what he wants... and I want to be able to get those things for him. 

     I wish I could get my Aunt Lisa something for Christmas too. 

     I am working on my weight. I hope to find that I have lost more weight this week , when I weigh in on Monday. That would be fantastic! I think adding greens  to my food is really helpful for me. It bulks up my meals with leaves, and I can have all the leaves I want! It's not hard on my digestive tract either. Some foods are really hard for my digestion and they take a long time to exit. It becomes painful after a while. 

     I am waiting for my belly/back support to arrive in the mail. I hope it helps me alot. I should be receiving my Swanson supplements order today. I hope that helps me to eat less. 

     I have been almost pain free lately. The other day I was achy all over. I have been sleeping on my far infrared fabric, but it's only going to help so much if I am falling off the bed at night. 

     I get way better sleep in my new bed than I ever did on my old couch. I can't believe I waited so long to sleep on the bed. Old habits are hard to break. Part of it was due to PTSD caused by Caleb. I could not trust that I would not burn alive while trying to rest. I could not trust that something catastrophic was not going to happen while I slept. When he was younger he was playing with fire while I slept. I woke up to a huge light in my room that was foreign. OMG! He use to get up every night. It got to be that he had to sleep with me just so I could know we were safe from him. That's when I talked to his doctor about getting him on something to keep him asleep at night. The medication works, but my fears have never fully gone away. 

     I have not been texting Rachel. I just felt like she needed a break from me. I was feeling like she was getting irritated with me, so I needed to give her space. She does not like to talk on the phone, I guess. I was texting her to try to keep my spirits up, being alone with Caleb all day is frustrating. I never know how she feels because she never tells me. I am not a mind reader. I hold a conversation by myself, and I do not like that. I don't know what changed. We use to be able to talk on the phone. I miss her, but I don't miss feeling like a burden. I just wanted to share what was going on here with somebody I could trust. 

     I haven't heard from my mom this week, which is odd. Maybe it's for the better. She only gave me the time of the day when she was driving to or from work, which only lasted a few minutes before she lost signal. Maybe I should be happy she called at all, but I'm not satisfied. I believe I deserve more. 

     I still miss Mathew, but I guess I will be ok. At least I know he is alive and happy. 

     I don't miss Sherri or Eric. I was never close to either of them.

     I don't think about my dad or Sharon normally, which is a good thing. 

     I was never close to Sharon's kids. 

     Fernando never called me. I hope he took our photos with him.

     Granny and Pepere call sometimes. We normally talk about our health and cooking. I was never close to them, but always wanted them in my life. 

     Thank God for the women I have enlisted as my friends because I don't really have a family anymore. 

     Bella has her heart worm shot appointment in December so I will have to save for that. I am trying to figure out how I can get Caleb what he wants for Christmas and his birthday. He knows I do not have alot of money to spare, so he did not ask me for anything expensive. I would like to be able to get him a mini cake for his birthday, and make him a dinner of his choice, since we will not be having a party. 

     I wish I earned credits at Walmart every time I shopped there. I could get his presents just by using the credits I've earned throughout the year. 

     I should be grateful that I have been able to meet most of his needs. He has warm clothes coming in the mail any day now. We have food in the kitchen. The bills are being paid. He gets medical care and medications he needs. We have a family pet to love on. 

     If I could get a grip on my stress, life would be pretty damn good. I stress about being able to provide food for the family. I stress about being able to pay all the bills. I stress about the money that is left over from paying the bills, and will it be enough? I stress about Caleb's education. I stress about Caleb's behavior. I stress about the state of the house. I stress about Bella's health. I stress about my health. 

     I stress that I am not doing enough on a daily basis. I stress that I am losing family relationships left and right. I stress that I have no one to talk to on a daily basis. I stress everything! I was stressing about politics, but I have since let it go for the most part. I voted, and that's all I can do. 

     I'm deep breathing now. I have learned some coping techniques, and deep breathing is one them. I just applied my Sage Mint body cream on to change my focus from my stressors. It smells good to me. I like sage. Alot. 

     It is now 7:20 a.m. and I need to update my Daily Notes log from yesterday. 

5 Year Journal Day 159

      Today's prompt is " What do you feel grateful for today?" Having food in the house, having a house, having Bella here, having Caleb here, my mental health, having a vehicle that runs and does not need repairs right now, free medical care for me and Caleb... that's what comes to mind right now.

     It is now 7:58 a.m. here and I am waking up for the last time this morning. I woke up earlier because Caleb knocked the cord off the CPAP machine and I lost the air flow all of a sudden. It happened a few times during the night. I went ahead and took my iron pill at 5 something this morning so I would not have to wait so long to take my other medications and have something to eat. 

     Yesterday was an off day. I was achy and tired and wasted the afternoon in bed. I woke up with my back hurting this morning. I was so hot and sweaty that my clothes were stuck to me. 

     Today I have to take Caleb to the hospital to have some labs done. I was planning on going to Wilmington too, to return the shapewear to Lane Bryant, but I don't feel up to it. 

     Last night I was able to get Caleb's computer to install Adventure Academy. The problem was that the  laptop was in S mode. When in S mode, apparently you cannot download and install apps that are not available in the Microsoft Store. Well, I was able to change that. So YAY! Caleb can use his computer for what it is meant for!

     I was able to catch up with my Aunt Lisa last night. I'm glad I caught her because she has a busy week this week. My grandma passed away on November 9, 2019. The Jewish calendar remembers her death on October 29th this year. 

     Halloween is coming up and we are doing absolutely nothing for it. I am broke, and don't want to get sick. I already bought Caleb his favorite candy several times this month, so I feel no regrets for my decision to stay at home. 

     I am doing a cleanse with this Green Chili! LOL It's great because I have literally such a hard time pooping. Even with the 2 doses of Miralax a day, it can be painful. Greens and beans are awesome to help! 

     Caleb woke up when I did this morning. He is in for a rude awakening. He is not getting permission to play games on his phone until his schoolwork is done today. He is pissed at me right now, because he just requested screen time. He is calling me "a fucking asshole." He is yelling. 

     I am still hot and trying cool off in the air flow from the window unit. Neither of us has taken our morning medication yet. I need a shower. I might wait until tomorrow to take Caleb to the hospital for his labs. He has another appointment tomorrow. We can just make a day of running around. 

     So yesterday I got a letter from Optum /VA CCN/United Healthcare. It was the billing statement from the Emergency Room from when I went in September. The total cost was $2,983.39. The VA considers the matter paid and closed. It was just an acknowledgement letter showing the charges and what was paid by the VA. I can't believe I spent less than 4 hours at the ER and ran up a bill that high. Whew! What a relief that I don't have to come up with that money!

       Oh I almost forgot that Caleb should have a prescribed cream at the pharmacy too. I will pick it up tomorrow too. 

     I was just singing to my Bella boo boo. I sing to her in the morning alot. It's a good way to start the day with love. My big puppy girl. 

     Caleb retreated to his bedroom after finally figuring out he couldn't force me to give him screen time. This is not going to be an easy day. I need to reprogram my son. Coding a computer program is easier! And I am not that good that ! LOL 

     I have Bella laying at my feet, all curled up. She wants to be with me always. I want her with me always too. I wish I could carry her around with me. 

     I better figure out what I need to do today, and get started. I am feeling a bit better. 

5 Year Journal Day 158

      Today's prompt is " Which family member are you closest to?" Oh that's an easy one! My Aunt Lisa!

     It is now 7:03 a.m. and I can't believe it! I could sleep still. My body aches. I practically fell off the bed last night due to Bella taking over. I knocked everything off the stand I had beside the bed and made a huge mess. A part of me must have known because I preemptively moved Caleb's large bowl of uneaten popcorn before I went to sleep. She pushes to get closer and closer, and as I get hot, I pull away and move around. Well, it was bound to happen that the 3 amigos need a bigger bed if we are to share. I love sleeping as the 3 amigos. I sleep better with Caleb and Bella in the bed. It brings a peace that I know they are safe while I am sleeping. I don't know what to do. I guess they need to sleep in Caleb's bed. Or at least Caleb needs to sleep in his bed. I want Bella in my bed. That's part of what brought the 3 amigos together to sleep. Caleb wanted to sleep with Bella, but Bella wanted to sleep with me. 

     I woke up at 2:00 this morning, but I was only awake enough to eat chili and go back to bed. I was not awake enough to blog. I was so tired. 

     Yesterday Caleb had an 0830 appointment with his pediatrician. He got his annual physical, his flu shot, his 11 year old shots, and his HPV shot. Then we headed over to the pharmacy to pick up a medication, and then went home. When we got home, it seemed late already. We were both tired from having woken up so early. I went to lay down for a little while before his next appointment at 1300. I set my alarm for 1220. We made it to his appointment right on time. I thought we were going to be late because we were stuck behind a large, slow-moving truck and a bunch of traffic. That appointment was to see his therapist.

     I decided to go to Walmart after his appointment. I had an idea about dinner that I wanted to try. I went and checked out the pots. I almost bought a 22 qt. stock pot. I found a better pot for our uses though. It is a 12 qt. non-stick pot! I then went and bought the rest of the ingredients for my new creation. I immediately started cooking when we got home because I knew it would take a long time for dinner to be ready. The final product is called "Green Chili"!

     It is how I learned to make chili, with tomato sauce, fire roasted tomatoes, ground beef, onions, green bell peppers, celery, red kidney beans, and chili seasoning... PLUS kale and spinach! Oh! It turned out great! I filled the new pot with all the ingredients because I was going to make a double recipe. I used 1 lbs. of kale (pre-bagged), 1 lbs. of spinach (pre-bagged), 2 onions, 4 small cans of fire roasted tomatoes, 1 large can of tomato sauce, 4 small cans of red kidney beans, 4 packets of chili seasoning, 7 green bell peppers, and one package of celery in the new big pot. Then I browned 2lbs. of ground chuck in my 6 qt. old pot. So the vegetables had time to cook while I was cooking the meat. Once the meat was cooked, I added it to the big pot with all the vegetables in it. I was cooking for almost 2 hours to get the Green Chili just right. I am not supposed to use high heat on the new pot, so it took longer to boil the Green Chili and cook the vegetables. It turned out great! I love greens. They don't really have a taste to them, so I can add them to whatever meal I want, and gain the benefits of eating them! YAY! Green Chili! 

     Caleb says he loves Green Chili now. 

     So that was our day. It doesn't sound like alot, but that took up the entire day. 

     Today, I have to respond to customer service of Adventure Academy to get the app installed on Caleb's computer. I also need to scan and email my travel documents for last week's VA referred appointment. At some point, Caleb has to go to the hospital to get some labs done. He also should have another prescription ready for pickup. 

     Yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror at Caleb's doctor's appointment. I looked different in that mirror than the mirror at home. I did not realize how big I have gotten. I know the what the scale says, but I don't feel that large from inside. 

     I weigh in on Monday mornings. I am now back at 317 lbs.! I lost 8.6 lbs. in a week! Over the last 3 months, I have fluctuated so greatly, but I still managed to lose a total of 2.4 lbs. Over the last 9 months, I managed to lose a total of 0.9 lbs. Hey, I'll take any loss over a gain! I keep a spreadsheet that I record my weigh ins on, so I can look back. I hope that by adding greens to my diet that I am really helping my digestive system function more properly. 

     I had to measure my belly to get the right size of belly and back support. I have a digital body measuring tape. I measured at 60 in. around. That's really big. I'm 4 inches away from being as big around as I am tall. 

     I hope the supplements I am going to try really help me eat less, and lose weight. 

     I want to be able to have fun with Caleb and Bella again, without hurting myself. 

     Well, it's now 7:58 a.m. so I guess I will start my day. 

5 Year Journal Day 157

      Today's prompt is "What was the last fruit you ate?" A granny smith apple!

     It is now 2:37 a.m. and I am awake because I have yuck mouth from drinking a flavored water drink, vaping, and probably sleeping with my mouth open with a CPAP on. I needed a Dew to clear that up. 

     Yesterday was a pretty relaxing day for the most part. I did shop vac and pet vac half of the hallway floor, and nearly killed my back in the process. Caleb has not cleared the other half of the hallway for me yet. I was going to get started shampooing the carpet, but when I was on a break I went to look at new carpet cleaners. I bought mine 10 years ago. It doesn't have the new features, for obvious reasons. It is not a steam cleaner designed to clean pet messes, so I splurged and bought a new carpet cleaner. I had to use my credit card, but was able to get it a 12 month interest free promotion, as well as the military discount! I have wanted this new carpet cleaner for more than a year now. I saw it in the store and wanted it badly, immediately. I knew I could not afford it, and walked away. I can't afford it now, but I would rather spend the money on that than on something that isn't a tool to keep the house clean and together. I have animals in the house, and need to be able to clean up after them. I have a Caleb, and I have a Bella. LOL 

     I spent most of the day online and on my phone. I did watch two halves of 2 different movies. I finished watching Sex in the City the movie, and I started watching Bewitched. I was able to get Amazon Prime membership at half price because I am on government assistance, so now I have access to movies, music, and kindle books that I did not have access to before.

     That was pretty much my day. Oh yeah, did I mention that Caleb woke me up at 6:30 in the morning  and would not let me go back to sleep? Yeah. That happened. I was like a zombie for most of the day. I just wasn't fully awake or wanting to do much. I mean, it was Sunday after all. I was supposed to rest up for the next week ahead. Kids! What can you do? 

     I found that my toilet is leaking from the bottom. I think the wax seal needs to be replaced. I have no idea how to do it, I just know it has to be done. 

     I was window shopping online. I found all kinds of things I want to buy but can't right now. It sucks. Of course alot of the things I want are not things I need, so I am grateful for that. I am thinking about telling Caleb that part of his Christmas and birthday presents are the clothes that I bought him. He will get them when they get here, but I don't want it to go unnoticed that money was spent on him for the purpose of the cold weather and holiday season that we did not have to spend. I had to use credit. I bought him comfy lounge pants to hang out at home in for the Fall and Winter. So, there are a number of fleece lined pants and sweat pants coming, as well as 2 nice outfits to wear on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

     He was wearing a new pair of jeans I bought him a couple months ago today. They look really nice on him, and are loose enough to be comfortable for him. Caleb has grown into a handsome young man. 

     While I was shopping online, it occurred to me to search for obesity belly support. I found what I was looking for almost immediately! I just needed the right search. So, once all the Lane Bryant shapewear is delivered, I will return them to the store. They do not provide enough support. They are not for people like me. My belly is hard and solid, and I need to decrease the pressure on my spine and hips to be able to work comfortably until I can lose the weight. I almost had to buy a pregnancy belly support! OMG! The embarrassment! You know what though? I am too big for the largest pregnancy belly support! I need a more ergonomically correct way to carry my weight so every little thing I try to do around the house does not hurt my back. I am already wearing the proper shoes, with custom insoles, and a lift. I am wearing the compression socks daily now. This is the next step to being able to move more without throwing me into the bed for the rest of the day. It's pointless to try to work for a few minutes and then end up in bed for the whole day. It completely defeats the point of what I am trying to do here. I need to move MORE, not less, in order to use more calories and strengthen my body. 

     I am also considering going somewhere for facial waxing. I was going to go down the street. They say on their website that they do that, but when I contacted them, they say they only do eyebrows! What about my beard and mustache?! So, I might take my business somewhere where it's a one stop shop. I might have to wait until I make another visit to Wilmington. Or, I could just go to the Korean girls and get threaded! I thought about that too. I need to figure it out before I go to Wilmington to return the Lane Bryant clothes. I don't want to have to sit there and tweeze all these hairs out. I don't do the best job as I can't see that well because the lighting is shitty in the bathroom, and I use a mirror, but ... no. I can only do so much. It's easier to have a professional doing it. They can see everything. 

     When I was watching Sex in the City the movie, I thought I really like the hair color that Carrie chose. It's a brunette with red tones. I wonder how much it would cost to have my hair done by a professional. It's alot harder to lighten dark hair than it is to darken light hair. I know that much. As I have aged, my hair has gotten really dark, with the exception of the white hairs that are showing up. 

     Caleb found one of my weights. It is now on the porch. I think it is called a kettle bell. I think  it is a 10lbs. one. I bought it way back in 2013 and haven't touched it since. I was really into working out back then. Back then things were different as far as me having time to myself. I can't even go to the bathroom  by myself anymore! Back then I was going to college full time and had Caleb in daycare the whole day. I did everything I needed to do while he was in daycare, and then when I had him home during the week there was only time to bathe him, feed him, and send him to bed. On the weekends we had quality time with eachother. Now I have Caleb with me every second of the day. Yes, he is much older now. He is not a pre-schooler any more. I need to create a workout plan that we can do together. It needs to be strength and flexibility focused, so I should use my gentle mindfulness yoga training and weights. He needs aerobic exercise. He has too much energy. I need movement, but I can just walk and get tired. 

     I stopped using myFitnessPal because I am lazy. I do not want to do the required work. I have to get beyond my laziness though. I need to know how much I am eating so I can have an idea of how to make changes. I know I eat too much. It happens because I am either hungry in the belly, or mouth hungry. Gum does not help. I have tried chewing sticks at one point back in 2013. They did not help either. AND I was trying to talk to my PCP about quitting vaping, but they want me to wait until December 23 when my appointment in scheduled to talk about it in person. Ugh! The frustration I have with these women! I need a way to not be hungry. I drink plenty of fluids, and drinking more water is not the answer for me. I drink plenty of water already. I am tempted to go back on over the counter diet pills. I know the dangers and they are very real for me because I already have high blood pressure. I know I cannot take thermogenics like I once did. There has to be something. I wish I could just chew on coca leaves like they do in South America, in the Andes Mountains. 

     I have to stop eating carbs. I overeat carbs the in the worst way. It's like I have no control once I start eating them. I need to substitute eating more leafy green vegetables for carbs. I don't even like the way that sounds, but it would be really helpful if I could do that. Why does this have to be so hard to do? It was so much easier when I was taking thermogenics! Damnit! I want to be fit but I don't want to do the work. Dude, I am so lazy. I don't want to change, but I want the health benefits of change. It's quite the conundrum. I can't just stop taking the pills that are telling my body that it needs to eat more. I need a way to tell my body enough is enough already. 

     So I have spent the last little while doing some searching about what natural remedies to use for appetite suppressants. I came up with the following list:

gymnema sylvstre

fenugreek

green tea

caralluma fibriata

glucomannan

CLA

ginger

garcinia cambogia

yerba mate

cayenne

cinnamon

     Coffee and dark chocolate were also listed but coffee makes me sick and tired, and I don't want to eat dark chocolate. So, I went over to my preferred supplement shop at Swanson Vitamins and checked out what was available. I ended up buying one of each. Knowing me, I will probably take them all at one time. LOL I just want something to work! Anything! I can't take anything with caffeine in it. I can't take thermogenics. Breaking down what gets used in weight loss pills is helpful. I'll make my own blend. 

     I'm excited. I like to try new things to solve my problems. I like using herbal supplements rather than trying to buy this stuff in bulk at the grocery store. I don't like the way most of this stuff tastes anyway, and I would have to eat all this stuff everyday! So, the best way for me to do that is to take pills. I can easily eat all these food things in one sitting. I don't have to learn how to incorporate them into my daily living right away. This is what works for me. Besides, I am not alone. I cook for 2. I am not going to cook more than one meal for 2 people. I don't do that. Some people may be willing to do that for their kids, I am not. Nope. Not going to happen. 

     I am proud of myself. I found the fibromyalgia symptom relief by accident, and then I tried the back pain relief. They both work great! I tried stuff to fight inflammation. It worked. So why not try these too? 

     Earlier this year I was taking Victoza, which is an injection designed to help lose weight. It did not work. It's not surprising that western medicine does not work as well on me as it does for other people. The other 2 options I had available to try that are prescriptions were ruled out because Contrave has sertraline in it , if I am not mistaken, and I cannot have sertraline because I have had seizures. The other option was some kind of fat blocker, that I believe is the prescription version of Alli. I was told that it could cause pooping accidents if I eat fatty foods. Well, I don't normally eat fatty foods, but I am not willing to clean up my poopy mess if I forget myself. Just saying. 

     Those were the only options presented to me because I have had seizures, am already on anti-depressants, and am diabetic with high blood pressure, and because we talking about the VA regulations allow. I have heard that some people have had gastric bypass through the VA, and I am wondering why that has not been made available to me even though I requested to see an obesity specialist. I was told there is no obesity specialist, and that I could talk to a dietician. Well what the Fuck? Why am I not getting the same level of care as other women who had trouble losing weight? 

     Today Caleb has 2 appointments in person. The first is to see his pediatrician, get his flu shot, and have any other shots needed for his age, and have his annual physical. The second is for his therapy appointment. The first appointment is at 0830 so I better wrap this up and get back to bed because it is already 4:55 a.m. here, and I have to get up in  a couple of hours. 

     Bella and Caleb are asleep in my bed. I wonder is there is room for me right now. LOL Alright, going to go ahead and take my iron and get some rest. 

  

5 Year Journal Day 156

      Today's prompt is "Today you wore ___". Today I wore a pair of black shorts and a teal spaghetti string fitted tank top, no panty, no bra. LOL

     It is now 3:28 a.m. and I came to my computer to find that my files have not been saved even though I have been saving them. I do not know what the problem is. So I lost some data in Excel that I was keeping records of. Sucks.

     Yesterday was an ok day. I did get some progress made on the cleaning situation, just as not as much as I would have liked. I took it slow because it was Saturday. I handwashed most of the dishes that needed it, and loaded the dishwasher and ran it. I had Caleb pick up his stuff in the hallway to prepare it for me to clean. It doesn't sound like alot but it was time consuming. 

     I cooked a special Brazilian dinner! I made a ribeye steak in a Brazilian marinade with Brazilian style rice and black beans and zucchini, squash, and onion on the side with pao de queijo for appetizers. It was awesome. 

     Now I am going to have to try to remember everything I had stored in those files. My memory is not a computer memory! Damn it!

     Today I am just going to pick up where I left off with the cleaning. I am going to take it slow today too. My focus should be to rest, but I don't know if I can as long as the house is not clean. 

     Not much to report about yesterday that's for sure. I hope to get the hallway cleaned up today. If that's all I do, it will be a successful day. It's an all day job to be sure. The hallway is not big, but it is dirty. I have to shop vac the carpet, pet vac the carpet, and shampoo the carpet until it is clean. It may take several days to fully clean the carpet to my liking. I have an old carpet cleaner that needs to be replaced, but I don't want to spend the money right now when I am still paying on the window air conditioning unit. It has a small water tank, and I only clean a small patch of carpet at at time. It's time consuming and hurts my back to bend over so much to be handling the tanks and cleaning them out and refilling them. If I thought I could trust Caleb to do a good job, I would let him do it, but I don't. 

     I'm going to try to fill in what I can remember on my Daily Notes spreadsheet. 

5 Year Journal Day 155

      Today's prompt is "What do you miss the most right now?" I miss having friends closeby to talk to everyday. 

     So it is now 4:33 a.m. here. I just read the text message from my mom and am not happy. She called the other day to ask if she and her husband could come visit. At first I said yes, and even suggested they stay the night in my guest room so I could make them a dinner. The next day was Thursday. I was exhausted Thursday and I messaged my mom saying that I don't think I could prepare the house for them in time for them to come without added stress and pressure to perform. Friday I asked if we could play it by ear, because I did not want to reach my goals and not be able to see them in person. She responded with something to the effect of "No, I don't want to stress you out. I never said I was coming to see your house..." There was more than that, but you get the idea. WTF?! I don't need this bullshit right here. I am the only single parent of her 4 children. I am the only child who talks to her that has disabilities. I am the only child who still talks to her that has a child with special needs. I am the only child who talks to her who is trying to homeschool this year. WTF?! I don't need passive aggressive bitchiness when all I am trying to do is provide a nice, clean place to stay and a free meal for their troubles of driving so far. 

     Right now, you cannot walk in my house. There is nowhere to put your feet. Caleb has the floor so cluttered that I have to step on things to get from one place to another within the house. It's not pretty. It's not safe. I have old furniture that needs to be hauled away on the screened in porch and inside the house! Again, not pretty. I am doing everything I can to make things better, but there is only so much I can do in a day, especially when we have appointments and places to be during the week. I get tired too! Shit! People think that just because I don't have a job that I don't work! I work everyday! WTF?! What's more is that I have many disabilities to overcome to get things done! 

     Caleb is not easy to live with. He is a pig. I did not raise him that way, and the fault is not mine, so don't even start with that "I don't believe in ADHD or ODD" bullshit. It's a difference in the way the brain works, and it's scientifically been shown to be true. 

     I struggle to get all the trash from the house. Caleb throws trash everywhere! Everywhere! I've cleaned the living room myself recently and it's back to square one again. I can't keep doing this. It took me multiple days to clean it up last time. 

     Here's the text message conversation:

Me: "As much as we would love to have you visit, I have decided that it just isn't a good idea right now. I would like to think that I could clean this mess up to have company visit, but I am sooo exhausted and it's only Thursday. I can't do anything today. I'm sorry mom. I can't put myself under that pressure. I still have old furniture here that needs to be hauled away. The new furniture is not where it belongs. Caleb doesn't clean after himself. It's a war to get him to do any kind of work. I just. I can't right now. I'm sorry mom."

Mom: "No pressure. We were just going to come see you and Caleb for a day. Not to stay at your house. No problem. Again, maybe another time."

Me: " Maybe we could play it by ear? I'd hate to say no and then accomplish my goals and not be able to see you in person"

Mom: "Don't worry about it. I wouldn't want you to feel like I'm stressing you out any. I never said I was coming to see your house or did I say you should clean it up for our visit. We were just going to come see you and Caleb for a day. Not to judge your housekeeping skills." 

      I don't like how the messages came across. Maybe she still doesn't understand that it's not about her. It's about how I want to present my living space. It's about me being comfortable bringing people to my house. It's about Caleb, Bella, and me living in a clean space for God's sake! 

     Then, she didn't offer to help. It's my problem, not hers. Right? I only have her first born grandson living here. 

     So that's what I woke up to this morning.

     Yesterday was a pretty good day. I did not accomplish as much as I wanted, but I did get some work done. I started cleaning my room, but which has been on the back burner for weeks now. The trash situation was getting out of hand. I cleaned a little more than half of my room. I still have work to do. I was able to get most of the trash out and shop vac most of the walking area. I was able to put my clothes where they belong in the closet. They had been sitting in laundry baskets for the longest time. I was able to to put some clothes away for donating. I might have more clothes around. I am sure I will find them as I clean more. I found my far infrared cloth, and I slept on it to help my back pain. 

     I was able to get the laundry moving again. I am trying to get Caleb to clear his room of dirty clothes so I can wash all of them. I know he is hiding underwear, socks, and pajamas some where. 

     I finally took a hot shower. Caleb gave me a pedicure, which is important as a diabetic. I can't reach my toes to be able to cut my toe nails. I rely on Caleb. He loves to do my toes, so it's not an inconvenience to him. 

     I decided I wanted to be free today, and comfortable. I chose to go without a bra or panties! I'm hangin loose! LOL It use to be an everyday experience to be without a bra on. It was too hard to find a bra that would fit properly without hurting. I said "Fuck it". Bras are expensive anyway. Since then, I have switched to wireless bras and am much more comfortable in them than I ever was in bras with wires. 

     We went out to Walmart to grab a few things to prepare dinners for the next few days.

     Jonathan came and mowed the lawn for us yesterday. He also helped me by closing the attic door which Caleb opened and could not get closed again. 

     Donna brought over my baking pan full of cupcakes! Awesomeness. She did not have to do that. She knows I am diabetic and can't be eating that stuff. 

     Caleb caught a garden snake in the yard while Jonathan was here. He was fascinated with it. I did not want to be anywhere near the damned thing. LOL

     I spent some time yesterday afternoon trying to fix the problem with Caleb's new computer that will not allow us to install the Adventure Academy app. I can't figure out how to fix it. I spent more than an hour messing around with it before I contacted customer support. I can download it just fine, but when I try to install it , it says something like "The System Administrator has policies in place that prevent installation of this app." Well, I set up the System Administrator , and I did not have policies in place to prevent the app from installing. I don't understand it. It should have sent a request to my email for permission to install the app. It didn't do that. I'm confused as Hell. 

     I went back to getting laundry done and cleaning my room. I hurt my back multiple times throughout the day. By the time the day was over, my feet hurt for the first time in a long time too. I was ready to rest with my feet up. 

     The idea was to get my room squared away to be an example of what Caleb should do for his room. At the same time, to be washing and drying clothes so they could be folded and put away. Next on the list, is the hallway which is absolutely clogged with Caleb's junk. The carpet needs to be vacuumed and shampooed badly. After that, I might think about working on the guest room. My Army stuff has been pulled out of storage and spread all over the place by Caleb. I have to show him how to be respectful of my Army stuff, and how to put the things back where they belong, like I had them. They belong in the shed, now that I have one. The carpet in there needs to be vacuumed and shampooed too. The bedding in there need to be washed and replaced. 

     That's just the beginning. That's just stuff that I can generally manage to keep clean , with the exception of the hallway of course. It's so I can feel accomplished and proud of where I live. I can feel at peace when I got to my room to rest. It's not a stressful place to be anymore. I hate trash. I hate clutter. 

     Caleb's room is probably a disaster area, as is the common area which is comprised of the living room, eating and working area, and the kitchen. Cleaning the bathrooms are a high priority too. I am always cleaning in the kitchen. Always. 

     Don't even get me started on outside! OMG! Caleb. 

     I mean. I've got a good head on my shoulders, but this body... This body needs a lot of work. That's hard to do when I am in pain. There's no pain medication to alleviate the pain I feel, when I feel it. None. The best thing I can do is make sure I am hydrated, fed, and getting adequate rest. That's all I can do! 

     Got me to thinking about Sherri. SMDH. Sherri still talks to my mom, I guess, every once in awhile. You see, I was not raised by mom. There were many years I did not even see my mom, or talk to my mom. I was raised by my dad, with my brother, Mathew. Sherri and Eric are half-siblings. They had the best of everything their entire lives. Mathew and I did not. That's the short of it. While Mathew and I were getting food stamps, they were on trips to Disney World. That's the difference between us. 

     I am trying to have a relationship with my mom as an adult, but it's not easy. I suffered alot of bullshit because of her absences. I do it for Caleb. He is already missing his entire father's side of the family. But damn. I'm not going to take abuse from anyone again. You aren't going to make me feel some kind of way when I am trying my hardest to make a life for my family, and getting no help from anyone but my Aunt Lisa. 

     Don't even mention that she was told No by my grandparents, her mother and father due to COVID-19. I mean, do I want to have visitors? Of course. Is it smart to have visitors? Hell No. 

     The temptation is there. She just wanted to go somewhere during her time off. This is me everyday baby! Every motha-fuckin day! 

     That shit ain't never goin to change. 

     You build a "dream house" and don't even want to rest in it on your time off? What kind of "Dream House" is that? Bullshit. I want to stay in my house, and it's falling apart. I don't want to go anywhere. I really don't. 

     All this because her cruise was cancelled. I guess I'm number 2 on the visitation for vacation list. 

     "Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon, when ya coming home son, I don't know when, we'll get together then... you know we'll have a good time then..."

     It's fucked up. 

     Today is Saturday. I don't have alot of plans, just to continue cleaning up as much as I can manage. Same Shit, Different Day. 

     The time is now 5:54 a.m. here and Caleb just woke up to eat a cupcake. LOL Bella followed me out of the room and is sleeping on the couch. She's all curled up. I just want to pick her and carry her everywhere I go. She is so soft and cuddly, but not small enough to be doing that. 

     I am not tired this morning. I slept pretty good. Believe it or not, that is me sleeping in. Sleeping until 4 in the morning. LOL I wish it was that easy to get up at 4 when I was in the Fuckin Army! Damn! I had such a hard time getting up back then. 

     I'm thinking about clearing out my facebook friends list. There are alot of people on there that don't give a shit about me. They are no longer my friends. 

     You know it's fucked up when mom can afford to take a cruise but can't afford to send us money for food. Just saying. That's what I'm dealing with. I have been accepting help from Aunt Lisa since about late January this year when Christinia moved out. Help from mom? NONE. Caleb needed a phone because it was just going to be us and we did not have a house phone. Aunt Lisa came to the rescue. Mazda needed repairs. Aunt Lisa was there to help. Freezer broke down, central air went out more than once, toilets were running... Aunt Lisa. Couldn't pay the bills AND buy groceries and gas... Aunt Lisa. Caleb needed a computer for school work online. Aunt Lisa. The holidays are coming up and I probably will not have money, Aunt Lisa. Not my dad, AND Not my mom. COVID-19 struck and everything is wonky, I call Aunt Lisa to decompress from the stresses. Aunt Lisa has been keeping me afloat ALL YEAR LONG. I have called her and texted her so many times. She has called me to check on us too. WTF is wrong with this picture right here? 

     I just within the past few months got on government assistance for food, so I have been able to reduce my financial burden on my favorite Aunt. Jesus! This woman needs an award ! 

     My mom has known about these things, and never once offered to help in any kind of way. Let's take a look now. Why not? 

     I am trying my best to do the right things here. I am raising my son to the best of my ability. Food is a necessity. I got angry about Nichole not offering to help either! It's no different, except as my mother, you would think there was more of a pull to help a child, adult, or not. 

     Why do I have to be the child of parents who only think about themselves? Why? Why me God? Why?

     Of the 4 of my mother's children, I am the only one not in a happy marriage. I am not in a marriage at all. I am the only one living on  a single paycheck and trying to raise a child alone. I am the only one who lives on disability payments and not able to hold a job. I am the only one living in a house that is falling apart. I am the only one who is in so much debt that there is no money left over after the bills are paid.  I am the only one who goes to a food distribution site every month to get free food for those on government assistance. I am the only one who is utilizing not only EBT, but Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the VA. What else do I need to do to show people that I need help? That I can't afford to buy things we need? 

     Caleb and I are the only descendants going to therapy on a regular schedule. We are the only ones going to a psychiatrist on a regular schedule. Caleb just graduated speech therapy at the end of last school year. He is in occupational therapy as well as individual psychological therapy. I am in a group therapy that is yoga-centered  as well as individual therapy.

     Caleb is physically healthy , thank God for that, but I am not. I am the only one who struggles on a daily basis with health issues. I have more problems with my health than my mother does, and she's a least 20 years older than I am! 

     Let's not forget that just last year I had to file criminal charges against my own father for assault on a minor under 12, twice. I had to get my father and his partner out of my house relatively quickly and get a protective order against my father. Then! I had a "friend" living with me who did not share her mental illness status with me, that she had C-PTSD and had Borderline Personality Disorder and a child who wouldn't stop crying for no apparent reason. They left in January. 

     I'm the only one who is dealing with ALL THIS right here. Plus some. That's just the skinny version.  If that doesn't SCREAM "Help me! Help me! Help me!" I don't know what will. 

     The we have the COVID-19 added to the mix this year. That hasn't been easy on us either. 

      My mom continued to work as normal, with the exception that she now wears a mask and gloves. Woop-dee-do! SOME peoples' lives changed. I'm saying mine changed for the better because I have Caleb home and I can now influence him with greater stickiness. That doesn't mean it's easy! The boy has ADHD and ODD. Everything is a motha-fuckin ordeal, battle, argument, fight, war! Every damned thing! I can't even get him to keep the house clean. We struggle with everyday things for a variety of reasons. Hell, the only normal one here is Bella! She doesn't speak English, so it's not helpful to talk to her most days. 

     I'm dealing with major depression, fibromyalgia, diabetes, high blood pressure. iron deficient anemia, pains that arise from nowhere and a multitude of other odd problems. What do I have to say to get my family to understand these simple things? I think they are simple to understand. Do you? 

     It's now 6:51 a.m. here and I have had my last Dew. I think I'm done for today. I don't know what else I can do to educate my family. The only person who seems to get it, understand, have compassion, and actually HELP, is my Aunt Lisa. Thank God a billion times over for her. 

5 Year Journal Day 154

      Today's prompt is "Should you trust your instincts?" Definitely.

     It is now 2:20 a.m. and I am awake because I was getting too warm, and losing space on the bed, about to fall off. The 3 amigos went to bed late last night because Caleb could not fall asleep. I was tired and went to lay down in bed around 6:30 last night. It takes me some time to wind down, even when I am tired because I am addicted to my phone. 

     Yesterday was the least productive day this week. I just could not function. I was too tired all day long. I was only able to take Caleb to his appointment, pick up his medication from the pharmacy, and I also ran out to get some bread earlier in the day. That was it. I had no energy. I could barely keep my eyes open. I felt like crap. It was just not my kind of day at all. 

     I chatted with some new friends on facebook messenger while I waited for Caleb's appointment. I heard about something called Moringa, and now I have to look it up. I want to try something from Swanson Vitamins for sleep, but I have to wait until I get paid again. 

     I sent my mom a text message letting her know that as much as I wanted them to visit, it was just not a good time because of the mess I am dealing with right now. I have not been able to move the old furniture out and I do not know when I will be able to do that because it costs money. It may not be a big deal to her, but it is a big deal to me. I am struggling to clean this place up without a deadline lurking over me. I don't need the added stress right now. I am working as hard as I can already. 

     I found a way to reuse the crockpot chicken and collard greens I made the other day, into a pasta sauce. I simply deboned the chicken and strained the both the chicken and the little bit of collard greens I used, and added a ready made jar of pasta sauce. I stirred them up and heated in the microwave for a few minutes and added the pasta I cooked! It wasn't great, but it was better than throwing away a whole chicken and 2lbs. of collard greens! So, I am proud of myself for thinking about how to eat the food that I made that did not turn out how I planned. 

     We were supposed to have our lawn mowed yesterday, but Jonathan totally forgot about it! LOL He is a good man, and has helped up all year with the lawn for 2 years now. I told him it worked out for the best because I was tired and wanted to go to bed early. He is coming over today.

     I have no appointments today! Woop! Woop!

     The hematology office called yesterday and scheduled my appointment for December. 

     I emailed my PCP and was told to make notes of all the things I wanted to discuss, and discuss them at my appointment December 23! WTF?! It's October ! I am having trouble sleeping now! I need to quit vaping now! Why do I have to wait? This is fucked up.

     I haven't put my custom insoles and lift into my new diabetic shoes yet, but I will. I think these shoes I am wearing have more miles on them then they are supposed to because I only had one pair of walking shoes. The other pair of diabetic shoes are dress shoes, Mary Janes. 

     It's Friday! I made it through the harsh week I had! I am hoping to sleep in this morning. I feel better now, then I did yesterday morning when I was blogging. 

     I think Fernando and his new wife, Lydia, are leaving for Brazil today. The week got away from me and I forgot that was happening this week. I thought it was happening next week still, but that was last week. 

     Bella followed me out here and is sleeping on the couch, curled up like the angel she is. Caleb is sleeping on my bed, taking more than his fair share of it. LOL These kids. 

     I don't know how today is going to play out. I have laundry to get done, trash to pick up and take out, dishes to wash, etc. etc. The list is never ending. If I can work hard today, I will take the weekend off. I also need to take a shower in the worst way. I was going to take one yesterday, but was too tired to get up and move. 

     I am drinking my last Dew for the morning. I am tired. I want to take Bella back to bed. There wasn't much to report. I was pretty much walking in a daze all day. I was zombified due to exhaustion. Hopefully today will be better. I am going to bring  a Gatorade Zero to bed with me because I drank all my drinks I had beside the bed. I stay thirsty. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 153

      Today's prompt is " On a scale of 1 to 10, how healthy are you?" Probably around a 3. 

     It is now 1:56 a.m. and I am awake because I was sweating and could not cool off. Yesterday was another busy day. I started cleaning again. I got Caleb to take the trash in the kitchen out, take the recycling out, and the the recycling from from my workspace out. I handwashed some dishes and began loading the dishwasher again, after Caleb unloaded it. I began to clean out the pantry and spray it with the bug killing spray. Caleb and I cleaned out the toilets. I got the laundry started. I gave Caleb the new clothes I was holding on to in size 14. Then we left for Wilmington.

     I brought Billy some sheets that I can no longer use, and some towels. I brought him his chili pot and his skateboard. I checked out his new place and socialized for a little bit before going to pick up my diabetic shoes. Then, on the way home, we stopped at Harris Teeter. Caleb was hungry, so I bought a bucket of fried chicken for $5.00 (on sale). I stocked up on beef that was on sale, and found the Progresso lasagna style soup I have been looking for! I spent more than I wanted to, but saved money at the same time. We came home, and were tired. So, we didn't stay up much longer after that. 

     My Granny called me, and we talked for a few minutes. She was not receiving the photos I was emailing her. I don't understand why not.

     My mom called me too. We are trying to make plans in November,  but need to think things through. 

     I am still tired. I do not want to be awake but I am too warm to sleep comfortably. 

     Bella got her Chewy box with the beef knuckles, the orange ball, and the cookies in it today. She should get her medication box today. 

     I am expecting the first shipment of my shapewear today too.

     Later today, Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment. I think that conclude our week as far as appointments go. I will be happy to not have to go anywhere on Friday. I have lots to do here, and can get more done, obviously, if I am actually here. 

     The chicken and collard greens did not turn out as good as before. I think I put too much olive oil in it this time. I could not take the chicken bouillon either. It was very bland. I can still eat it, but I can't drink the broth. It is too oily. 

     I got my sacred space photos taken, well, some of them. The ones I really wanted, and shared them to my new group. They were supportive, and it was a good feeling. 

     I still have to write my new penpal, and charge and rive the Volvo. I am getting things done slowly, but surely. 

     I am too tired to stay awake, and do not have much to say this morning anyway. I just need to cool off so I can go back to sleep, hopefully. 

      

5 Year Journal Day 152

       Today's prompt is "How much cash do you have in your wallet? In your bank account?" Well, I don't carry cash anymore, so I only have some loose change in my wallet.  As for my bank account, I have about $70 to last me me the rest of the month because I just paid the second half of my bills, and went grocery shopping yesterday.

     It is now 3:51 a.m. and I am awake because I keep waking up. As tired as I was at the end of the day, I could not fall asleep. I am sleeping by myself tonight. Bella is sleeping with Caleb in his bed. I have the bed all to myself and I cannot sleep! WTF is this? SMDH.

     Yesterday was busy as fuck. We got up at 0800 and immediately had to leave to get to the food distribution site on time. With arrived there at 0837 and were already late, even though the letter stated to not arrive before 0845. I was worried that we would wait all the time to be given food, only for them to run out. They only serve the first 150 cars, or until they run out, whichever comes first. 3 County Transportation Buses were seen ahead of everybody, and my heart sunk. I thought for sure they would run out before getting to us because of that. Thank God, they had enough for us! I did not want to have to do that again today. They only distribute food for 3 consecutive days in the entire month, for the month. We went to pay the water bill immediately after that, as it was due that day, and has to be paid in person. When we got home, it was already 1100.

     I immediately set to make us some grilled cheese sandwiches for brunch, while Caleb brought the bags inside. I put away the groceries, and found a whole frozen chicken! I decided to use that for dinner with the collard greens that Caleb left out and were drying up. I did not end up trying dinner last night because of what happened next. I took a short 1 hour break, because Caleb woke me up before I could actually recharge. I had gotten a package in the mail. We left to go to Walmart and grab some groceries that we needed. We came home and Caleb brought the bags in, and put the food away. First though, I had to have a snack! I had cantina style tortilla chips and jalepeno artichoke dip! Delicious! So delicious that I could not stop myself from eating the whole container of dip. So... that's why I didn't eat dinner. I was still full from eating all those calories! 

     I sat down and knew I had to pay the bills still. I went online and paid the rest of the bills. I was exhausted. I think it was around 3:30 when we got home from Walmart, and around 4:30 by the time I finished paying the rest of the bill online. 

     Then, I wanted to reach out to the wonderful women who befriended me on facebook and let them know I was thinking about them, I was just abnormally busy this week. 

     At some point I took my night time medications, and began to try to clean up the kitchen a bit. I didn't get far, but I did pick up some trash and recycling, and load the dishwasher so I could run it. I know it doesn't sound like I did much, but believe me when I say all these errands were time consuming at the least. I was so exhausted at the end of the day. You know what? I laid down and couldn't sleep. It might have just been too early for me, but I was done. 

     I got overheated walking from Walmart to the Mazda. My face got bright red, I was sweating, and I was out of breath. I was just dressed way to warmly for the day. I wasn't wearing my usual shorts and tank tunic top. I was wearing skinny jeans and a tee shirt. My hair was down with the top pulled back in a clip. Too damn hot. My hair makes me so damn hot when it is not greased and pulled in a pony tail or bun. That's the great thing about doing that. Is it fashionable? No. Does is make people question my hygiene? Probably. You don't normally see white women with their hair greased. Anyway, I had to cool down when we got to the van. I sat in the Mazda for about 15 minutes with the air conditioning blowing on me and drank a Gatorade Zero I had just bought. So thirsty too. 

     I went ahead and ordered Bella a few supplies she needed from Chewy. I gave her the Bravecto dose she was scheduled for. I ordered her next dose which she gets every 3 months , so it will be here before she needs it. I ordered her 2 beef knuckles, some cookies, and the orange ball she loved so much when we first adopted her. I was lucky to have the money to pay for things, so I spent it on her like I was wanting to do. I almost didn't because I was afraid I would not have enough money for groceries and gas until the next payday. 

     I messaged Billy to see if he could the new sheet set. I also told him about the towels he left here, and the pot we borrowed and never gave back. So, I am scheduled to bring that stuff to him tomorrow while I am in Wilmington. I have to go to Wilmington anyway to pick up my diabetic shoes. 

     I ran out of energy before I could get to writing my new penpal, take photos of my sacred spaces, or charge the Volvo to drive it. Maybe I can do those things today. 

     I just cancelled the text banking I was going to do for the Biden/Harris team. It started at 6 p.m. and ran until 8 p.m. I just can't see myself having the energy to do that right now. I don't want to take a spot that someone else who can actually sit there and do that, could do. 

     Yeah, I forgot to say that I had to cancel my yoga therapy appointment with Dr, Gellman and the ladies because I was stuck waiting for the food distribution. I thought I would make it home in time for the 1030 online appointment. I even thought about doing it by phone, but I was in the car and not able to move very much. So, I just did some head rolls, and some shoulder circles just now. I can tell my body missed yoga. There are all kids of pops and crackling in my neck and my shoulders were high to my ears. 

     So, I was not in a lot of pain yesterday. That is a blessing. The supplements I take really make the difference. I take one supplement called Fibromyalgia Symptom Relief, and another that is Back Pain. With those two, I don't have to take all those other supplements for inflammation. I have like 5 supplements for inflammation, and it's such a pain in the ass to have to take all those pills more than once a day. 

     So yeah. That was my day. Busy, busy, busy. Tomorrow, I think I only have to go to Billy's now, and also pick up my diabetic shoes. Dinner is cooked from yesterday, so I don't even have to worry about that. At least, I hope that's all I have to do. Caleb and I need to sit down and get some work done. Actually, Caleb has to prepare the yard to be mowed on Thursday! Damn. 

     I'm on my last Dew for the morning. If I don't stop drinking now, I will not have an empty stomach to take my iron pill. I've been doing good with that. 

     I'm tired. My body is tired, but I'm not sleepy. This sucks. 

     Caleb has a laptop now. He got it the in the mail on Monday. So, we are going to load some educational games on there for him to practice his math and language skills, in addition to the Adventure Academy game. 

     I was able to perform yesterday in a way that I have not performed in a very long time. I hope I don't have a flare up because I am pushing myself so hard. I've got to get some rest before dawn. 

5 Year Journal Day 151

      Today's prompt is "What's the best thing you read today?" The comments to my facebook posts!

     It is now 11:58 p.m. and I am awake because I got too warm and could not cool off enough to go back to sleep. "Yesterday" was a good day. I spent the morning working on my spreadsheets and the budget, planning for Tuesday's bill pay day. I did wear myself thin, and felt weak around noon when I finished. I had to rush to the grocery store to grab a loaf of bread, and guess what I found? Clorox cleaner with bleach! That's what I prefer to clean the kitchen with and I have been looking for it for months now! I was allowed to buy 2 bottles, so I did. I quickly made it home and made 2 turkey and provolone sandwiches with spicy ground mustard. Yum! I was exhausted though. I could not stay awake any longer. I needed to rest. I think I let my blood sugar get low, and that's why I was feeling weak. It doesn't happen often. Usually my blood sugar stays high. When I got back up, I was still tired. I had a hard time getting anything else done for the rest of the day. Working the budget and bills is really draining to me. There's a lot of thinking involved when planning my financial future. I'm trying to make things better, so you know, it takes a lot of effort, and some discipline. 

     Caleb got his new laptop in the mail today, and I helped him set it up. I finally got the call about my diabetic shoes being ready! Woop! Woop! I pick them up on Wednesday afternoon! 

     I wanted to write my new penpal, but didn't have then energy. I wanted to take pictures of my sacred spaces within my house to share with a new group I've joined, but didn't have the energy for that either. 

     I got Caleb to take a shower. That was a big deal. 

     I wrote to my PCP about my simple, yet effective blood test. I have a problem picking scabs. I picked a scab last week, and it was brought to my attention by Caleb that my blood was dark and almost black. I told Caleb that is because it is not oxygenated blood. Today, however, I picked a different scab, and the blood was bright red! That means the iron is being absorbed, and my blood is being properly oxygenated! Woop! Woop!

     I weighed in yesterday, and found that even though I ate a lot on Sunday, I still managed to lose 1.4 lbs. from last week. The week before last, I lost 1 lbs. This is amazing! I am so excited, I had to share the news on Facebook! I hope this continues and I can get under 300 lbs. with ease. I pray that happens. 

     Today I am going to try to get up early enough to make it to the food distribution site. I also have to give Bella her Bravecto that she takes for fleas and ticks. I have yoga with Dr. Gellman online with the other disabled lady veterans. It's pay day, so that means I have to pay the bills. I am lucky enough to be able to pay most of them online, but I have to take the water bill and payment to the town hall to make the payment. If I have the energy, I need to run to Walmart for a few things that I put on hold because I ran out of money. So, I have a busy day ahead of me. 

     My kitchen is a mess, so I started cleaning it up yesterday. Caleb has a bad habit about throwing things on the floor and not picking them up. Sometimes it's trash, other times it's recycling, and sometimes it's stuff that he doesn't want to throw away, but is too lazy to put away. It's frustrating when you desire a clean house and live with a pig. I at least want to get the dishes rinsed and in the dishwasher.

     I need to do laundry, but I need Caleb to collect his dirty laundry and bring it to the laundry room. I am not hunting down dirty laundry. 

     We missed the recycling truck yesterday. Caleb would not get up when I told him to get up, and by the time he got up, the recycling truck had already passed our house. SMDH. We have a bin full ! They only pick up recycling every other week. He got the trash bin out to the road in time. This boy.

     Caleb asked if we could go to the beach or something. I said no because I was too tired. He also asked if we could make some brownies. I said, "I asked you to clean up your mess in the kitchen, and you didn't. Now you want to know if we can make brownies in the dirty kitchen?" He said, "I'll clean it up!" LOL No. 

     I really like the ham and greens I made the other day. I made enough to last a few days. I ate some yesterday for a late afternoon snack, and again for dinner. It's a guilt-free meal. It has very little carbs and is really tasty. I will be making it again. I am trying to figure out how I use greens in the other foods I like to make. Leafy green like spinach, curly kale, and collard greens are good for their iron content I found out. Maybe that's why I craved them so badly. Caleb ate a whole bag of raw spinach by himself! He must have been craving something too! I've never seen him eat raw leafy greens like that before. It was shocking! 

     Oh, Caleb loved the spice cake I made with the cream cheese frosting. He decided he wanted some after the other 3 kids ate some and there was little left. LOL He thought the frosting would be bad because it said "cream cheese", but that's the right frosting for that kind of cake. That's how I feel anyway. 

     Caleb opened a 2lbs. bag of shredded collard greens, talking about "I want some!" and was eating them raw. This kid! He left the whole bag open and out, just because he wanted a handful of raw greens. SMH.

     I have to work on moving my books from the china cabinet I inherited, into the bookcases I got more than a month ago. I want to prepare to have my old furniture removed from the property. Plus I want to go through what I have and decide if I should keep it, sell it, or donate it. It's organizing time! My new bookcases remain empty, with the exception of those used for Caleb's homeschooling library. I have not placed the bookcases where I want them yet, and want to wait to put books and things on them until I can move them. It's complicated. Some need to be moved, others are where they need to be. I have to wait for the china cabinet to be taken away, but first I have to empty it. Then once it's gone, I can move a bookcase where it was. Eventually I will get it all straightened out. 

     It will be nice to have my porch back. I need someone to put together some chairs I bought more than a year ago for the porch that need assembly. They are on the porch, still in boxes. Once the porch is cleared of or old furniture and my dad's trash, I can organize my home project supplies, out of the way.  

     Now that it is cooler, it will be easier for me to do yard work. I have supplies ready to care for my gardenias. I could not do anything over the summer, because I am a heat injury and heat stroke risk. I am not supposed to be in the sun because of my medications I am on, and I get hot really quickly and stop sweating. It would be nice to put some more frost-proof gardenias out there by the fence line, where I had the other gardenias. They did not survive for one reason or another. The frost-proof gardenias, though, are hearty, and flourishing. 

     I won't have the money to do any planting this year, but the time will come when I can. 

     The holidays are coming up. I made plans with Donna while visiting her for Thanksgiving, again. LOL The kids' plans keep changing! Anyway, we are going to have a turkey dinner the Sunday before Thanksgiving so we can celebrate together, because the kids are going to stay with their mother for Thanksgiving day. So, I'm back to baking pies again! I am bringing apple and pumpkin pie. Yay! I might make more than 1 each, it just depends on how much money I have at the time. 

     I feel more free now that I do not have to worry about doing homework for the Moms' group at church. It was becoming too stressful. I have so much on my plate as it is. And the meetings were 2 hours long! I go to bed before 8, so keeping me there until 8:30 is no fun. 

     I need to get Caleb a headset to use with his computer and X-Box. He needs to be able to socialize online, because I am not taking him to church group. It's only fair, that if I am socializing online, that he can do the same. I will just have to watch the parental controls. He needs a wireless headset with microphone. He says it needs to have bluetooth functionality. So, that's on my list for Christmas. 

     My Aunt Lisa and I discussed about quitting vaping. She says she used a medication when she quit smoking. I have used the patch numerous times, the lozenges, and the gum. They don't work for me at all. I will have to ask my PCP or my psychiatrist for help. Every time I have ever asked for help from my PCP, she sends my patches! They don't flipping work! Ugh. So I have to do some research and see what I can do about this bad habit of mine. 

     Caleb's behavior has gotten better over the past few months. His medication and our communication must be working for him. He is getting angry and violent with less frequency. I do believe that I am having a positive impact on him, and that feels good as his mother. I want him to do well, and learn how to handle his anger. 

     I have not heard from John. I am happy about that. I was worried that when the protection order expired, he would appear in person, or harrass me by phone or email. I went into a panic when he was requesting credit cards from my accounts. Some people you have to love from a great distance. I think Aunt Lisa and I get along so well, because we both know this about our respective fathers. It can be depressing to think about having to deal with them this way, but when people act with craziness, you have to separate to maintain your own sanity and safety. 

     When I see photos of John or Christinia pop up on facebook memories, I grieve the way things ended, but I have come to take the next step, and realize that I am much better off without them holding me down. I have come so far this year alone. I am a much happier person without the pressures of their problems hanging over me. They were both abusive, and I hope to never repeat that again. 

     I have been thinking about selling the Volvo. I don't want it to die. It's a good car, just needs some maintenance that I can't afford. I haven't sold it yet, because I want a second vehicle in case one has to go to the shop for repairs, I won't be left without one. Besides, it's worth more to me than what I can get for it. Caleb destroyed the leather seats many years ago, and the carpet flooring. It doesn't look like much, but it's fully paid for and runs. It passes inspection every year. I still like to drive it. I wanted to keep it to let Caleb drive it when it comes time. He has only about 4 more years before he will get his license. A car that is paid off requires only liability insurance in NC, that saves a lot of money. It's good on gas, and a safe car to drive. I feel confident in Caleb's ability to drive it safely when the time comes. So... maybe I will keep it. 

     I am trying to sell a few things, but because they are so me-specific, it's hard to do. Not many people around here are into Marvel and want a signed copy canvas by Stan Lee. Not many people like to roller skate as much as I did, and now the skating rink in Wilmington has been sold and torn down. I'm guessing not many people believe the appraisal report for the jewelry I could sell. These things have been listed locally  as I do not like having to ship things. I never know how much shipping and handling costs, and always get screwed when I try to estimate it. 

     I would like to monetize this blog, but don't have a clue how to do it without spending money or a lot of extra time. I have neither. I am not popular, and who would care enough to subscribe to this blog? I will have to do some research when I have free time. 

     Bella is asleep in the bed with Caleb. The 3 amigos fell asleep together once again. LOL We look like burritos all rolled up in blankets side by side. It's funny. If I had someone else here to take a photo, I so would. 

     I about lost my pants as I was walking today. I was walking around the grocery store and had my hands full. I am still wearing the skinny jeans that are too big. LOL That's why I bought those suspenders that Caleb is wearing these days.

     Bella just got up to tell me she needed to go outside. Cookie earned!

     I was just looking at myFitnessPal. I have used it on and off for the past few years or so. I looked at the past 12 months, and there are a lot of ups and downs on my weight graph. The past few months has been going up. I am just now starting to come down. At one point this year, I was close to 300lbs. I was so close to getting under 300lbs. I don't know what happened. I think I started having trouble around March when the pandemic became a problem. I hope to do better now. It's hard to remain emotionally and mentally balanced when the world is changing in ways that no one expected. These are stressful times for all of us. 

     November 3rd is just a few weeks away. A lot of people are on edge, including myself. I had to stop watching political news. It was driving me crazy. I am so emotionally attached to the issues at hand and I get so worked and hateful and angry. I changed my focus to pitbulls and loving them online. 

     It is now 2:09 a.m. and I think I might be on my last Dew for the morning. I am trying to think of what I might have on hand, that has not been used that I could give to Billy for a housewarming present. He has recently moved into a new house, and says anything I can offer would help. I think I have a brand new set of sheets that have never been opened that are not deep enough for my new bed that I might be able to give him. I wonder if I have anything else that might help him get situated. I could probably give him his towels that he left here, and the pot that we used to boil peanuts in when Travis was living here back. LOL I'm sure that would help. Let's see. I can't think of anything else I might have that he might need or want. I don't have all that much to offer. I am still trying to get situated in this house, and it's been 5 years! LOL

     I am not tired yet. Bella is waiting for me to go back to bed though. She's such a sweetheart. 

     I recently purchased some shapewear to help me suck it in and stand tall. I am hoping it will help me move more efficiently and anatomically correct. I use to wear shapewear a long time ago when I was working out frequently because my body was changing so fast, and I felt like I didn't know where my body was in space anymore. The pressure felt good too. I hope these items apply a good enough pressure to help me. My belly is not jiggly. It is very hard and solid, so I don't know how much it will help. 

     For the record, I weigh 325.6 lbs. now, and my highest weight was 328 lbs. I have not gotten into a walking routine yet. I feel like I am still recovering from being sick, in a big way. I am trying to not rush into any new routines, until I can successfully manage my old routines first, without becoming exhausted or fatigued. I want to be able to walk Bella at least 5 times a week. First, I want to be able to catch up on my chores that need to be done badly now. 

     I am not feeling the pressure to be fast anymore. I am starting to let myself go at my own pace. Being in the Army gives you a sense of urgency for everything that never quite goes away. It was putting a lot of pressure on me to function as if I am not disabled. My Aunt Lisa tries to tell me to be kind to myself, but it's not easy. I feel like my home is an inspectable space. Having my son removed from me really makes me worry about it happening again. I try to put things in place so I can try to relax about it, but it will never really stop worrying me. Then there's the part of me that compares myself to others that I can not stop doing. I just want to gauge how I am doing in comparison to my "peers." They are not my peers. They are not disabled, as I am. I can not compare apples to oranges. I can be really harsh on myself to make things happen as if I am not disabled. I am disabled. I need to tell myself over and over again. It's ok to not be able to function as others do. I can not be held to the same standards as they are. It wouldn't be fair. They can compete in the Olympics, I need to compete in the Special Olympics. There is a place for me, and it is different from the place for them. 

     I was getting depressed being around the Working Moms' church group. I can not work, and they have no idea what it is like to be me. People without disabilities can take the simple things I find challenging for granted. It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I just don't belong there. 

     Not to mention that I am now questioning my Christianity. I need to meditate on things. I've done a lot of changing and not been really good about checking with myself. I have been so pre-occupied with dealing with others, that dealing with myself took a back seat. I still lean on Jesus when I need help. I just don't believe everything that mainstream Christians believe.

     Bella found herself a place on the couch to wait for me while I blog. LOL She loves me. 

     Caleb woke up when I got out of bed. His "mommy is gone" internal alarm must have gone off. He went right back to sleep. Thank God! When that boy wakes up and stays up, he wants to talk and talk and talk, and I am just not about that at 2 in the morning. I can blog, sure. It's a quiet thing to do that requires me to work very little, as journaling has long been something I do. 

     I opened up another can of Dew. LOL

     I figured out what is wrong with the idea of me joining special groups to meet people. They are focused groups, and generally are teaching something. I just need a social group where the whole idea is to get to know people. I don't need to learn stuff right now, I just need supportive friends. Thank God I think I have found them in the new friends I have made on facebook. Surprisingly I did not have the energy to message people yesterday, and I probably won't have the energy today either. Tomorrow, Wednesday, I might just need to sleep all day. I know I am going to work my ass today. Doing yoga makes me sore too. I don't do yoga often enough to not get stiff. I forget to do it on my own, and classes are only every other week. It is gentle mindfulness yoga for disabled women veterans. You would think that I wouldn't hurt myself doing it, but I am working my body in a way that it only gets worked every 2 weeks so... 

     I just thought about something. I should probably give Billy the rest of my alcohol. I am not able to drink and it is just taking up space. 

     I found out that I can no longer drink coffee. I tried to drink a cup the other day and it made me feel sick. I also found out that I can not take cacao supplements because they make me tired rather than energetic. 

     I've got to get Caleb to clean up the yard today. He's got his own firing range with a lookout post fort in the backyard, and a self-made golf putting range in the front yard. We are having someone to cut the "grass" on Thursday and his stuff needs to be picked up. He also throws trash in the damned yard! I don't understand what his problem is. Ugh. The frustration! The struggle is real with this one. 

     I need to finish this Dew and go back to bed or I will not have a time where my stomach is empty to take my iron pill this morning. 

     I wish I could keep Bella alive until the day I die. It saddens me to think that she will live such a brief existence. I really feel like we are meant for eachother. I love her more than I have ever loved any animal. She is so cuddly and soft. She loves to cuddle and be close to me. And I love for her to be close to me. She follows me everywhere. She stands guard while I use the bathroom. I am in her pack. 

     Well, I finished my Dew. I am just going to give it a few minutes to settle in my stomach before I get up to go to bed. I wonder how much of the bed is left open for me to sleep right now. I might have to wake Caleb up if he has taken over the bed. 

 

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