Today's prompt is "List the things that nagged you today."
1) Caleb wanting to go to the beach
2) house cleaning that I didn't do
3) Bella care that I didn't do
4) Yard cleanup that I didn't do
5) Drive the Volvo, not done
6) Call to VA Nurse for oncology appointment, not hematology
7) "Working Moms' Small Group" at church
8) being tired because Caleb woke me up at 3:30 a.m.
9) Christmas shopping that I can't do
10) Nobody responding to my blog, but there are readers
It is now 12:50 a.m. and I am awake. I went to bed around 7:30 p.m. I came home early from the Working Moms' Small Group at church because I was crashing. I was too tired. I do not think I will continue to go to group because 1) it's dark when it's time to go home and I don't like driving home in the dark because of all the lights and my seizure risk and 2) I don't talk and I don't feel like one of the girls. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's just because I am new, and they have been together for awhile. I don't feel like I am ever going to get to know these ladies, even though I spend my Thursday nights with them.
I cried today before church group. I just let it out. I felt so alone. I feel like I put all these thoughts into my blog, and people read it, but no one says anything about it. It's like it was just another thing to read, oh well! It's not just something I type. It's a part of me. I talk about my problems. Sometimes I need help and don't know how to ask for it. Don't just standby and watch me suffer alone. Help!
Yesterday Caleb had another occupational therapy appointment in the afternoon. As soon as we got home, I began making dinner. I made Soprano sausage by Lowe's Foods and fresh green beans. It was delicious and there was no prep work involved, so it was fast to get on the table.
Let's see, we woke up around 3:30 in the morning. I took a break around 10:30 a.m. and laid down. I got back up at noon to take my supplements and have lunch. Caleb's appointment was at 3:00. We left the house around 2:20. I guess I really didn't do much in between. I worked on the homeschool calendar to document our appointments and sick days. I had a lot of sick days. I got most of the mail I had been waiting on all week.
I asked Rachel a question today. "This is going to sound stupid or crazy... but how can God judge us humans for being limited in the way he created us and our behavior as a result?"
I also got a call from the VA Mental Health clinic. I was referred to the new therapist by Rhonda. I wonder what made her change her mind about me being in therapy? She originally referred me to a Peer Support Specialist. I wonder what happened?
I don't think I think about God in the same way other Christians do. Maybe it's because my relationship with my own father is so fucked up. I don't want a father God. I believe in forces and energies that can not be explained by science yet. I believe in a history that has not been found yet. I believe in karma. There is just so much we don't know. There is so much we don't yet understand. I believe in prayer and meditation. I believe in studying the unseen. I believe in the power of sage to clear spaces. I believe we should honor those who came before us, and brought us to where we now stand. I believe in higher energy beings, like angels. I believe in Jesus.
I don't know that I believe I was born a sinner due to somebody else's action that I had no control over. I might be a sinner, but I don't believe that is the cause. I have never been able to wrap my head around what the Bible says about Adam and Eve versus what science tells us about how humans came into existence. I never understood how Noah and his family could repopulate the Earth with just 2 of every animal. How would you even go about catching every animal? There is just so much I don't understand.
I have morals. I know the difference between right and wrong. It did not come from being raised in a religious family. I came from a household that did not preach, teach, or even worship together. My family growing up did not go to church. We did not have discussions about God or Jesus. We celebrated holidays like most Americans do, without ever going into why Christmas is important, or Easter. I learned what I learned about Jesus through my own relationships with Christians. When I was in elementary school, I went to a summer camp at a church with the help of our neighbors. When I was in middle school, my friends bought me a student Bible. When I was in high school, I went to Young Life group. I went to Young Life camp at Frontier Ranch one summer, and went on a hiking trip as well. I have been drawn to people of Christian faith for as long as I can remember. I am not able to take things for granted just because they are written in the Bible. I need more.
I bought the book "Q", but I have not read it yet. I have the Sixth and Seventh Book of Moses waiting for me to read. I have a number of books waiting for me to read, that have waited for years now. I bought the Book of Thomas. I want to know everything I can get my hands on.
I want to know about Quantum Healing. I want to understand the physics behind it. In my early 20's I searched things about psychokinesis and distance reading. I read about levitation and psychic powers. I read about studies done in Asia on kids with super-powers to read books by touching them for a few seconds.
I spent a lot of time on the internet searching for odd things that people don't walk around talking about. So, in short, I have a very different perspective on how things actually are. My perspective of reality is vastly different from the next person.
More recently, I have studied to become a life coach, and gotten my certification. I had plans on furthering my studies into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Self-Hypnosis, and Reiki. I mean, I'm far out there.
I don't understand why we use so little of our brains. We use something like 10% of our actual capacity. Why? I want to use my entire brain! As it is, my neurological system is overworked causing me pain as a result of overactive nerves, and seizures as a result of overactive brain synapses. I'm still not using my entire brain.
I follow some groups on facebook that repeatedly say we are moving towards a 5D reality. I do not know where they get their information. It would be interesting to know.
I got my first taste of Non-Western Religion in a class I took at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. We overviewed Buddhism and Hinduism, and maybe some other religions that are not as well known. I did not put my best effort into that class. I was struggling with other issues at the time, and my mind was constantly in survival mode. It did make a difference though. I am not enlightened, but I am not in the dark either.
I watched Medicine Man starring Sean Connery, and wanted to be a medicine man. I watched the Matrix in high school, when it came out. I had a viewing party at my house and we watched the pirated download from a friend. We saw it before it was available to rent. I did not realize then how much of an impact that movie would have on me. Later on in life, I decided I did not want to be in the Matrix either.
I was influenced by Staind, Dave Matthews Band, Limp Bizkit, and so many other artists.
You would think I could find somebody to talk to, but how do I go about it? You don't just walk up to complete stranger and say "Hey! You bend any spoons with your mind lately?"
I like the idea of using music to change the brain. I have looked up Solfeggio frequencies, and other types of things like it. I want to train my brain. Using the alpha-stim is one way to do that. As a matter of fact if uses a frequency to change the brain's signals to a "normal" state, as in not a "depressed" state.
I use essential oils every now again to relieve pain or calm my nerves. I either apply it directly to myself, or I use a diffuser. I also light candles and incense to change my environment. I listen to music and sing along to express my emotions that many times I can't put into words. I have crystals that I don't use. I have a few Himalayan salt lamps in the house. I had a wand custom made for me. I have house plants. I have books! Air is always moving in my house. I hate stagnant air. I use to use Far Infrared materials to help me heal. I have a Far Infrared Sauna suit that I used after my workouts back in 2013. It helped me recover, so I could do my routine multiple times a week without fatigue. I bought a Far Infrared fabric from a manufacturer at a reduced price, not too long ago. I use it when I have fibromyalgia flare ups, when I remember where I put it.
I believe massage therapy and acupuncture would be helpful to me in the future. I have two piercings that are acupuncture points, the Shen Men points in the ears. I figured, why not just go permanent? I know water therapy would help me a lot. I believe in the ability of salt to bring about change in my aura and energy. I use herbal supplements daily to help me with my pains and deficiencies in my diet. I believe the Earth is sacred: land, water, and air.
I believe our bodies are sacred. Our energy is sacred. I try to eat whole foods that I usually cook slowly, because it makes a difference in the way the energy is received into the body. Foods cooked at high temperatures, and quickly are received differently than those that are slow-cooked. I believe in the power of intention.
I don't know much about how copper heals, but I have knee braces and compression socks with copper in them.
I have also researched light therapy and color therapy. If I live long enough, I will be quite the healer.
I have watched portions of "What the Bleep Do We know?" It fascinates me. I watched the Sci-Fi series with Dr. Michio Kaku. I love that guy. I wish he would do more tv programs.
I studied as an EMT in the U.S. Army, also known as a Combat Medic. I completed the "civilian" studies, and completed all but the final week of the "Army" studies. I did not complete the week where we were supposed to be understudies at Brooke Army Medical Hospital (also known as BAM-C) . I passed the National Registry for Emergency Medical Technicians- Basic Level (NR-EMT-Basic). It broke my heart when I could no longer participate in training. I got injured again, and got pulled out of training because I had to go to physical therapy, and had all these doctors' appointments all of a sudden and had to miss so much class time. If there is anything that gets your heart going for wanting to become a medic, it's the museum there at Ft. Sam Houston.
I tried to continue my registration with the NR-EMT so my registration would not expire, but because I was no longer working in that capacity, I was overlooked. I remember wanting to continue my training in Korea, and not being able to. I hated the guy who was a "combat life saver" in our unit. He only had a week or so of training. I despised him for being able to carry the first aid kit, when I couldn't because I had to worry about the weapons, and the meals. I was so jealous. I should have been identified and utilized as a medic.
When I left the Army, my intention was to go to nursing school, but because I was not in the know, I did not fall in to a good timing for the application process to get in. I needed the Post 9/11 GI bill money to pay for housing, tuition, etc. so I had to settle for something that I could actively work on without wasting time or money. I settled for a business degree because that is what I went to school for back in 2001. I had a number of credits that could be applied from other schools towards that degree. I did not need to take any tests to get accepted. I did not need to do many pre-requisites. So, that's what I decided to do. I gave up on being a healer (68W) and went to work on my Supply side (92Y). I wanted to work for the federal government doing logistics work as it had become my sweet spot. I was good at it. It did not cause me anxiety. I was excited to be able to do it. I decided to choose among the majors at the University of North Carolina, Wilmington. I choose to utilize as much of the Post 9/11 GI bill as I could because Caleb would be too young to use it for his college when it was set to expire. I choose to double major in Business Administration: Concentration In Operations Management and Concentration In Management of Information Systems. I thought these two majors together would get me far. I was successful at completing the Operations Management concentration, but not the Management of Information Systems concentration. The reason for this is because there was a schedule to follow, and because I needed to take a minimum of full time load, I had to take classes as they were available, which got harder to do as I got closer to graduation. I went out of order and it messed me up in the end. I got to the capstone class, and the programming language they were using to complete the graduation project had changed! I did not know what language they were using. I do not remember now, but it took me by surprise and was a shock! How was I going to be able to program in a language I had no knowledge of? So, I had to drop the capstone class, and remove my second major from my curriculum all together. It sucked. I put a lot of work into doing that major. It was not easy for me.
So anyway. Here I am with my bandaids and neosporin. LOL
I do yoga too. I believe in the chakras and the energy flows and blockages created in daily living.
I was my own personal trainer and nutritionist back in 2013. That's why it's so depressing now. I know what my body can do when it is healthy. I have seen myself at my best physical health, and I am nowhere near that right now. I was strong. I carried 80 lbs. on my body up the highest incline that the treadmill would go. I got down to 150 lbs. That's about what I weighed at the end of basic training.
I am busy trying to heal myself these days. I have been entangled with negative forces in my life for years and years now. I have finally set them free. I will never see them again.
Western Medicine has left me morbidly obese, diabetic, with high blood pressure, low iron, and depressed. I prefer alternative medicine. If I am able to allow myself the time to get back to "me", as I know me, I will eventually heal these physical traumas as well as the mental traumas that were caused. It's difficult because I am single parent. There is a lot of focus on Caleb, and not much on myself. That's why it's so important for me to blog when I do. It's quiet and I can hear myself think. I can think about anything I want. It's not determined by outside forces at this peaceful and quiet time of the day.
I use this time to regroup. I use it to process things that don't get mentioned during the day because my priorities are Caleb and Bella.
It is now 3:03 a.m. How long have I been blogging? About 2 hours, not that long.
Today is Friday, and I don't have any plans. Depending on how well I sleep, I may get a lot accomplished, or I may not. I do not have any appointments. It's finally the end of the week, and I am so grateful for that. I do not know what is coming next week, but I hope I have fewer things to do and places to go. I need to chill out. I have a lot of work to do around here. It would be helpful if this new dose of medication that Caleb is taking would inspire him to be more helpful in cleaning up the messes that he has made.
I am planning on trying this alfredo sauce I bought from Walmart for dinner, with some shrimp. I hope it tastes good.
Caleb is asleep on the fort he made from couch cushions. Bella only came out of the room to tell me she needed to go outside. She is likely back in the bed.
The Christmas tree never made it to the shed. It has been in the living room all year long. I might plug the lights in already. I do the love the way they change, and light up the room.
We never did move those bookcases to where they belong. Smh. Sometimes these projects last forever because I get no help, and my health sucks.
We are scheduled to get money from the state before December 15th. I thought I was going to use it to buy Caleb a computer, but since my Aunt Lisa has already bought him a computer, I need a new plan. I really want to use it to put towards getting the old furniture off the property. I need about $500 for that, and the money that is coming due, would be a big chunk of that. It would take a great burden off my shoulders to have that stuff gone forever.
I told Caleb about the gift card Aunt Lisa sent him, and tried to convince him to buy the first Harry Potter for me. He thought about and eventually decided against it. He wanted to buy himself music. Well, his purchases came out of my checking account and not from the gift card. I do not know why it is set up that way, and I did not know that is how it would end up. So, I am out $25. So, guess what I did? I purchased the first Harry Potter movie on iTunes, and also I purchased The Matrix , using the gift card. Ha!
Now I have my comforting Harry Potter movie wherever I go because I downloaded it to my phone. It's amazing how far technology has come because it did not require cords or computers. It took a matter of minutes to download the entire movie, and not hours, like it did when I was in my 20's. I remember using Napster or some other similar program to download shared files. Sometimes it would take days to download a movie over the internet connection we had.
Well, I just finished my last Dew for the morning. I guess I should try to get some rest. Caleb will likely be up early in the morning, jumping on my bed like a crazy person. "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey" he says. I wish he would wake me up with eggs and bacon. Now, THAT would be a good reason to get up. LOL
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