Thursday, October 8, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 139

      Today's prompt is "If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?" Nothing. I learned from my mistakes, and made the best choices for me at the time. I did what I could to the best of my ability, and it got me where I am today. My goal was to graduate with a bachelor's degree. I did what I needed to be able to do that. My other goal was to buy a house of my own. I did what I needed to make that happen too. When I needed a bigger vehicle, my goal was to buy one. I did what I needed to make that happen as well. Despite my complaining, I have managed to meet and/or exceed my goals on a rather consistent basis. I wanted a child of my own. It wasn't planned out the way it happened, but it happened and changed my life for the better. I wanted a dog. It wasn't a planned event either, but I rescued a dog and she rescued me in return. 

     It is now 3:13 a.m. here and I am awake because I woke up and could not fall back asleep. Yesterday was pretty laid back. I had my therapy appointment, and my therapist told me she took a another position within the VA that was offered to her and will be starting next week. So, I lost my therapist of 7 years to a promotion. It was happy and sad at the same time. 

     I went to lay down after eating too much for brunch. I missed breakfast and combined breakfast and lunch meals together. I was hungry so I overate. It was Brazilian rice and chicken nuggets. I am not use to eating rice anymore and have forgotten the way it feels to eat it. It doesn't take as much as I think I need to eat to get full. I was having trouble staying awake after that, so I went to lay down. I didn't make it to sleep because my Aunt Lisa called, and so we talked on the phone. She made a suggestion that I should think about bariatric surgery. I've given it thought before, but I am currently still gaining weight and don't know why. That would be a bariatric surgery. 

     After our call, I could not go to sleep. I decided to take "the kids" for a walk to the Veterans' Park. Bella loves walks and it was a sunny day so... I just didn't feel up to doing much but knew I needed to get moving. The walk turned out good. I got home and really felt the sun's heat beating down on me. Both Bella and I were hot. I knew I had gotten enough vitamin D for the day. I did not walk fast. I walked really slowly so as to not hurt myself. Bella cooperated. She did not pull on the leash or make me work harder. 

     At some point I called to find out about the cost of installing a walk-in tub. They have to have an appointment to visit the house and take measurements before they can give me a cost. 

     I also called to see if I could get more life insurance. I can't. 

     I got a call from a VA town hall meeting and listened to it live on my phone for about 45 minutes. I was waiting my turn to say something, but got tired of waiting, and eventually hung up. There were a lot of other veterans on that town hall meeting call who were ahead of me in getting a chance to speak. I heard a lot of stories about filing claims. 

     After I hung up, Caleb wanted me to make him more Brazilian rice, so I made another big pot of rice. While the rice was cooking, I looked in the fridge to see if my salad veggies were still good. Some were, others weren't . I took what I could salvage and made a big salad. I ate a big salad for dinner, while Caleb ate his rice. Delicious. I have waited so long to eat my salad. I was not supposed to eat things that would make me poop more , while I was having diarrhea. 

     I took my medications eventually and went to bed. I could not fall asleep. I can not fall asleep without a full belly. My belly does not get full on salad. I came back out to the common area and took a portion of the big salad I had made and ate it. Still not good enough, so I ate some rice to fill my stomach. Now! Now I was good to sleep. 

     At some point during the day I checked my messages on myhealthevet portal. I had messages from my PCP's office that I did not get alerted to. I am supposed to go in to the clinic to have labs done and an abdominal x-ray done. It was too late in the day to make it there before closing when I got the messages, so I let them know I would go in the morning. 

      Rhonda, my therapist, also hooked me up with a peer support specialist out of Fayetteville because we do not have any in Wilmington yet. 

     So, that was my day. I didn't get much done, but at least I walked and I made something for dinner. I consider those wins. I forgot to log my food in myFitnessPal, but I will get on that soon. 

     I wonder what they are looking to see in my labs and in my x-ray. I find it odd to request those for diarrhea. 

     I forgot to drive the Volvo again. I forgot to call about my diabetic shoes. I did not look to see if I had gotten paid my travel pay from my last appointment. I wanted to get stuff done yesterday, but I was too tired. I did what I could do. 

     I contacted Ashley's husband, Leo, to check in her. I do not think he was telling me the truth. I messaged her on Thursday and have not heard from her yet. I am sure that if she was able to message me, she would. I know she went in the hospital for PTSD related problems. I don't know why people feel the need to lie about these things. He told she was fine and was just suffering bad dust mite allergies. Um. Yeah. Ok.

     My mom was the one who told me I should get checked out if I still am having diarrhea, so I updated her on what my PCP's office told me to do. 

     I chatted with Rachel for a little while about Trump related stuff. I am having trouble having relationships with Trump supporters who feel the need to praise him around me. Leo friend requested me on facebook and I accepted. He was praising Trump for his "good works" as President. I commented "I vigorously disagree, and that's all I will say about that." One of his friends tried to bait me. I replied "I do not know you so bye." I won't lie, I was tempted, but I wanted more to not have anything to do with them. I unfriended Leo. I cannot be a part of that, and I am ok with that. He can believe what he wants. All I was saying is that I disagree. I don't owe his friends any explanations or time. I won't give them either. 

     I have a friend who supports Trump. We are ok as long as we respect each other's boundaries. I will not try to hold a political discussion with her at all. I do not want to hear about Trump. We were friends before Trump and broke apart and came back together again. Our kids have grown up together since first grade. She is from West Virginia and has a very different perspective on things than I do. I was raised much differently than many people from the South. I was not raised to hate others. I was raised to help people when I could. 

     I've got some things arriving in the mail soon, so I am looking forward to that. My comforter should be arriving any day now. I will be so happy to have my very own comforter! It's the little things in life I tell ya! 

     I feel ok. I had a pain free day yesterday. I am in good spirits. I no longer have diarrhea. I noticed that Bella' s paws look raw and red. She has been licking them a lot and I have not been keeping up with the 3-way ointment n her paws or her allergy pills. I feel horrible about it. My poor girl. That's got to hurt. I have to help her later today, before I go to Wilmington to go to the VA. 

     My bed sheets are staying on my bed perfectly! Finally! I can sleep on a sheet! It's awesome! They are so soft. 

     Today I am planning on 1) taking care of Bella , 2) going to get the testing done, 3) taking a walk and 4) starting to use myFitnessPal. If I can do those things, I will have had a successful day. 

     Caleb just woke up and can't go back to sleep. Poor guy. He just went and got Bella up. He looks so tired too. 

     I am going to take charge of my body one way or another. It will obey! MWahahahaha! I feel so EvIl. No but seriously, I gotta do better. It's been a work in progress. Now is the time because it is not so hot outside. I can actually manage to walk to the park and back without feeling sick. I think that's about a mile. I do not know for sure. The next time I walk, I will use the MapMyWalk app and find out for sure how far I am walking. 

     Caleb wanted to walk to the beach yesterday. I told him I couldn't do that yet. I am not fit enough. I might be able to walk there, but I probably would really hurt trying to walk back. 

     He is watching The Goonies on my phone and playing a video game on the tv at the same time. LOL He is trying to talk to me too. He needs so much energy coming at him all the time. I couldn't handle all that at once. 

     We are talking about getting into the Army and what I needed to do to get in. We are talking about the Army. That was a good conversation. I feel I actually got him to listen to what  I was trying to say. Just awesome. He really wanted to know what I knew. I knew eventually he would get to an age where he would be able to listen. He has been interested being a soldier for a long time now. He wore my old ACU's for a long time , and then I bought him his own uniform to wear and he wore that out with my old combat boots. He likes everything Army camo. I buy him clothes in camo print and he wears them the most. 

     He is interested in learning survival skills just like I am. I am am trying to collect survival gear in case of an emergency. It is costly so I have had to set it aside. One of the reasons for creating our life raft from recyclables is to teach him to use what is available in abundance to survive. We have not collected enough bottles to complete the raft. I have stopped drinking Gatorade Zero as it is not inexpensive, and Walmart has not been keeping up with demand. 

     It is now 5:02 a.m. and we are still awake. I might not be going back to bed today. I don't know. We will see. 

     I am trying not to worry about what they might find in my labs and x-ray. It is hard to not jump to conclusions when less than enough information is provided. What does it mean when I was having  diarrhea and they say they want to check for constipation? Are we reading the same messages? I am confused. I am really confused. 

     I wish I could go ahead and get my hematology appointment scheduled and taken care of. I am waiting for that phone call for community care to schedule locally. I am anxious to see what there is to see. 

     When Rhonda called me yesterday afternoon to tell me that she did make contact with the peer support specialist in Fayetteville, we agreed that we would check in with each other every now and again. I feel better that neither of us is just dropping off the face of the Earth. 

     Thank God I am not in the middle of a crisis right now. I would be so disturbed by going to a new therapist. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am still in contact with my psychiatrist , Dr. Hueholt, and the mindfulness Yoga group with Dr. Gellman. Rhonda has suggested that when things return to normal that I seek out Dr. Gellman to do EMDR. I might just do that. I need to be using my alpha-stim daily, and I have gotten out of the habit. 

     I ordered this witchy looking hoodie. I will take a picture of me in it when I get it. I think I am more of witch than even I realize. I lost my dark lipstick. I do not know where it went, but I can not find it anywhere. I need it like now. I just feel like it's time. Besides, I watched The Craft on the freeform app the other day and I really like how the one girl looks with such dramatic lip color. I can't wait for my hair to grow long again. That will really add to the look I am trying to create. 

     I almost want to get my tongue pierced in the hopes it will keep me from eating for a few weeks while it heals. I am craving a piercing. I don't know why. 

     So question. If my Basal Metabolic Rate is 2208.7 calculated at  https://www.bmi-calculator.net , how am I gaining weight?  This says that is what my body needs if I were to stay in bed all day. I can't fathom that I am eating more than that to keep gaining. myFitnessPal says I should eat 2200 cals/day to lose weight, IF I can keep my plan of walking for 30 minutes a day for 5 days a week. My goal is lose 1 pound a week. I updated all my information on myFitnessPal just now. It reflects accurate information as of Tuesday. 

     I think I am ready to start tracking my intake. I can do this. I just have to remember what my goals are. I have to remember to add everything I eat to the app. It's a new habit again. I haven't done it for a very long time. I have to get back into the habit of measuring and logging everything. 

     I have to figure out what to eat for breakfast now. I need to eat something to take my meds. Maybe I will have cereal. I do not know if I even have any cereal left. I know I have almondmilk though. Maybe I will just drink almondmilk to take my meds. I am not hungry right now. I do not want to get hungry in Wilmington. I need to find a healthy snack to take with me on our journey. I do not know how long it will take to get labs done. I normally have to wait for about 20-30 minutes before I get seen. I do not know how long it will take for them to see me in the X-ray department either. I need to carry water with me or something. I might be asked to pee in a cup, and need to have a full bladder. 

     This is going to require a lot of pre-planning and thinking ahead. I can already tell. LeAnn, my dietician, wants me to track my calories, so this is even more important so that I have something to report to her. 

     Caleb is still awake. He is talking to me now. LOL

      Caleb is making himself coffee. I bought him pumpkin spice coffee awhile back. He has the Addams Family movie playing on my phone. 

      It is now 5:52 a.m. and I am highly distracted by the noise and Caleb, so I think I will quit blogging. Wish me luck on my tests and my diet logging today! 

     

     

No comments:

Post a Comment