Today's prompt is " What gives you comfort right now?" I use the Vitality brand of essential oils. I like to use the one called Inner Peace and also the one called Pain Away. I also like to use my weighted blanket and my comforter. Definitely my bed makes the list. A hot shower. Vaping. Talking to my Aunt Lisa about big things and little things. Believe it or not, this blog brings some comfort. So does Facebook. I belong to a lot of groups where I have things in common with the other people in them: Parents of children with O.D.D., Parents of children with A.D.H.D. and O.D.D., Women Veterans, Disabled Veterans, Army Veterans, Oak Island locals, Homeschooling Parents, Parents Homeschooling because of COVID-19, and some esoteric groups. Having Caleb home with me and having Bella to cuddle with definitely make the list.
It is now 2:56 a.m. here. Caleb is awake and talking to me. Bella is up too. Yesterday was a pretty good day. There was an instance where Caleb yelled at me and said "I will kick your fucking ass!" I stayed calm, but stood my ground. I was non-violent and used my words. I did not curse back. I made my point and educated Caleb about the consequences of his actions not being a threat, as he was saying it was. I was not threatening him. I don't know where he gets this stuff. I told him if he doesn't put his video games away, I was going to throw them out. Simple. Take care of your stuff. I told him more than once not to leave his video games in the places where he was leaving them- in the way. Not a threat. A consequence to his inaction.
Yesterday we did not do much. Caleb woke up at 4:00 in the morning and came to my bed just as I was about to go back to sleep. I put Harry Potter on my phone for him to watch, and I went to sleep. We both got up early still. I got up to take my iron pill on an empty stomach, and stayed in bed for a while.
We had a very slow and peaceful morning. I was not in a rush to do much of anything. The time flew by. I called the Nurse I spoke to the day before to find out the details about my referral which she had told me was for oncology. It was not for oncology. It was for hematology. It was to test about my anemia. What a relief!
I talked to my Aunt Lisa earlier in the morning.
We went to Walmart to pick up a few things, and I ended up spending more than I expected. I bought some forks and spoons, since ours keep disappearing. I bought the lipstick that I lost and have been thinking about for weeks now. I bought nail polish remover to take the nail polish off my toes. I need to be able to determine their healthiness, before painting them again.
While walking around, Caleb went to the fishing stuff area. He brought me some weights that he wanted for his fishing pole. I got all excited thinking these could be the weights we use to complete our science experiment! We need small weights we can attach in increments to the Gatorade Zero bottle to see what weight makes the bottle sink. We need that information to determine how many bottles we need to use as a minimum to make our life raft.
We also came across a few things Caleb would like for Christmas! Woop! Woop! Stuff I can afford!
I originally went to Walmart to pick up more orange juice. I am supposed to take my iron pill with orange juice in the morning. I bought other groceries. I got Caleb excited to make dinner. I asked him if he wanted wide noodles, and he chose Fettucine to have our shrimp alfredo with. I bought a lot of collard greens, kale, and spinach to make with a ham I bought to make tomorrow for dinner. I'm excited for that! I don't know why, but I am craving greens! Lots and lots of greens! I almost forgot to buy garlic salt and garlic powder! Oh I can't cook to my liking without those jewels.
I was supposed to get some packages in the mail, but didn't get them. Disappointed again.
After yesterday's blog, I began to think maybe I am not a Christian after all. It's confining, and the label does not include my other beliefs, which are not Christian based.
I reached out to other Women Veterans for friendship on Facebook. It's clear to me that I need more Women friends. I need to be able to text and chat with people throughout the day. I don't have a job so I don't have that adult socialization going on. I quit my church group yesterday. I cited that I do no drive in the dark due to being a seizure risk, and it is only getting dark sooner. I would not be able to continue to make it to group meetings. I am not in school, so I don't even have that. I have nothing. I am home alone with Caleb all day. Well, I don't have absolutely nothing. I have my Aunt Lisa and my mom who check in with me often, but they work during the day. I try to not bother them while I know they are working.
I need to find other stay at home moms, preferably with service-connected disabilities. I need to find people I have more in common with so I can have access to communication with them during the day. It doesn't help me to find more people who work during the day.
So, I'm on my way! I'm going to make friends soon!
I want to find people who want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I want to find people who include me in their life. I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone. I don't want to feel like I am getting replies out of pity or because of some sense of compulsion. I want healthy 2-way relationships with peers.
I went to see if Mathew blocked me on Facebook yet. He hasn't ... yet. I don't know if he will after reading this. Maybe he intended to, but didn't get to it. I think it's sad that Nichole felt she had to block me both in Facebook and by phone. I thought our relationship was stronger than that. Clearly I was wrong. Now I know who I can count on though. It sure as Hell isn't her! Fuck! What would have happened if another serious event would have taken place? All this time and energy I gave to our relationship, and she does nothing to help me in time of crisis? What a waste! Some people love to stay close to watch you fail, get hurt, and die.
And I don't know about her mom. I never had my mom talk for me. EVER. I speak for myself.
SMDH.
I don't know what's wrong with people these days. There are a lot of people I don't want to be around.
We are not the only family divided by our political beliefs right now. I belong to another group that is politically based. I shared with them what happened. Pretty much the result was something to the effect of "Their loss. Good riddance!" It sucks though because my family is down to Caleb and me, my Aunt Lisa and her family, and my mom and her husband. I thought I would die without Mathew in my life. Clearly I was wrong about that too. The sorrow and grief were real, but I am recovering. I did not grieve the loss of Sherri as much because she was not a part of my daily life, like Mathew was through Nichole. Nichole was the way I stayed connected to Mathew's health and welfare down range. Mathew called Nichole everyday. I called Nichole everyday. She needed him to call her everyday, more than I needed him to call me. I know Mathew is competent and trained to do what he needs to get done down range. She was not so confident. I had faith that Mathew would fight for his or any soldier's life if need be, and if he died, it would be a honorable death. That did not keep me from wanting to know what he was up to. It wasn't because I was worried so much as I have never been down range and wanted to know what goes on. Besides, I missed his goofy ass! He makes me laugh like no one else can. He's a smart ass too. Smart, but an ass. I do miss him.
Fernando is set to go to Brazil next week. I will likely never see him again in this life. He has gotten married to his mistress. I guess when you get older, you don't have time to lose. I have not been in his presence since the Summer of 2013. I will not grieve over him moving to Brazil, but it is not a happy thing to think about. I will never forget my childhood memories of him. I remember him telling me the word "Moo-lah" when he gave me Brazilian money once. I went back to my friend's and said "This is Moo-lah, Brazilian money." I thought that is what it was called! I was wrong. LOL SO wrong. My friend's mom, who was Puerto Rican, corrected me. He took me to the toy store called F.A.O.Schwartz in New York City. It was huge! Unbelievably gigantic and filled from floor to ceiling with toys! I had never, ever seen anything like it before. It was a child's dreamhouse. He bought a friend of mine and me tickets to see Mamma Mia! in the theatre. I think he also bought me and a different friend tickets to see Phantom of the Opera in the theatre. He gave me some of the best things... memories. He was much younger then, of course. He took Mathew and me to the Swatch store in New York City, and also the Nike Store in New York City. Mathew and I lived and were raised in North Carolina, so these were impactful experiences to us. They were totally different from our everyday lives.
My grandma took us to the one time we ever went to a circus in New York City. It was the Barnum & Bailey's circus and wow! Was it a sight to be seen! Acrobats! Lions! Tigers! Clowns! Fire! My grandma always made sure to take us shopping for clothes when we visited. I will never forget her for that. My dad never thought to buy us new clothes for some odd reason. My grandma made some of the best homemade meals I had eaten as a kid. My dad never learned to cook but a few things over and over and over again. I think it was my grandma's idea for us to spend a Summer with her and go to Summer Camp one year.
I remember one year as we were leaving my grand parents' house thinking that I might never get to see them again because they were old and might die. I cried as we left their house. My grandma was the only woman who ever took me shopping with any regularity in my childhood. I did not have women in my life to teach me things. I remember when I needed to buy bras and she took me to be fitted. She would always take me with her to her hair appointments, and once, I remember, to get her nails done. It was the only time I ever had someone cut my hair with any regularity. It was the only time I ever had my nails done by someone else.
I wonder what she would think of me, looking at me now that I'm all grown up. I'm a hot mess. I wish I could have told her how much she impacted my childhood. It's one year since she passed away. Her mind was not clear for years before her passing as she had Alzheimer's .
We may have only visited during Christmas break some years, and not at all other years. I wasn't taken care of well.
Rest in peace grandma.
It is now 4:32 a.m. here. I do not feel tired. Today is Saturday. I can catch up on sleep during the day if I want. I can totally veg out if I need to. The only thing I have to do today is bake a cake with Caleb. Caleb also wants to go to the beach, so we will see. I do not look forward to trying to cross the dunes. That alone would keep me from going back. Standing there in the sand hurts my feet so badly too. Something about not being able to find my balance in the sand, because it is always moving under my weight.
I've got to get some laundry done, maybe. We'll see. I have a long list of things that need to be done, but I feel like I need days off from worrying about it obsessively.
Well, I just finished my last Dew of the morning.
I have to remember to check Bella's paws in the morning when I get back up. She is still licking them often. I might need to go back to putting that rub on them multiple times a day.
I might have to cancel Caleb going to group on Wednesday's if it means I have to drive at night. Maybe I can arrange to drop them off, and Shannon pick them up. That would work for awhile, until it gets dark before 6:45 p.m.
I woke up multiple times tonight craving chocolate. I can't keep chocolate in this house because Caleb eats all of it. I don't normally crave chocolate, but it's that time of month.
Anyway, I guess it's time for me to go back to bed. My phone battery is about to die, I guess Caleb did not charge it while he was watching Harry Potter last night. Ugh!
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