Today's prompt is "What's the best thing you read today?" The comments to my facebook posts!
It is now 11:58 p.m. and I am awake because I got too warm and could not cool off enough to go back to sleep. "Yesterday" was a good day. I spent the morning working on my spreadsheets and the budget, planning for Tuesday's bill pay day. I did wear myself thin, and felt weak around noon when I finished. I had to rush to the grocery store to grab a loaf of bread, and guess what I found? Clorox cleaner with bleach! That's what I prefer to clean the kitchen with and I have been looking for it for months now! I was allowed to buy 2 bottles, so I did. I quickly made it home and made 2 turkey and provolone sandwiches with spicy ground mustard. Yum! I was exhausted though. I could not stay awake any longer. I needed to rest. I think I let my blood sugar get low, and that's why I was feeling weak. It doesn't happen often. Usually my blood sugar stays high. When I got back up, I was still tired. I had a hard time getting anything else done for the rest of the day. Working the budget and bills is really draining to me. There's a lot of thinking involved when planning my financial future. I'm trying to make things better, so you know, it takes a lot of effort, and some discipline.
Caleb got his new laptop in the mail today, and I helped him set it up. I finally got the call about my diabetic shoes being ready! Woop! Woop! I pick them up on Wednesday afternoon!
I wanted to write my new penpal, but didn't have then energy. I wanted to take pictures of my sacred spaces within my house to share with a new group I've joined, but didn't have the energy for that either.
I got Caleb to take a shower. That was a big deal.
I wrote to my PCP about my simple, yet effective blood test. I have a problem picking scabs. I picked a scab last week, and it was brought to my attention by Caleb that my blood was dark and almost black. I told Caleb that is because it is not oxygenated blood. Today, however, I picked a different scab, and the blood was bright red! That means the iron is being absorbed, and my blood is being properly oxygenated! Woop! Woop!
I weighed in yesterday, and found that even though I ate a lot on Sunday, I still managed to lose 1.4 lbs. from last week. The week before last, I lost 1 lbs. This is amazing! I am so excited, I had to share the news on Facebook! I hope this continues and I can get under 300 lbs. with ease. I pray that happens.
Today I am going to try to get up early enough to make it to the food distribution site. I also have to give Bella her Bravecto that she takes for fleas and ticks. I have yoga with Dr. Gellman online with the other disabled lady veterans. It's pay day, so that means I have to pay the bills. I am lucky enough to be able to pay most of them online, but I have to take the water bill and payment to the town hall to make the payment. If I have the energy, I need to run to Walmart for a few things that I put on hold because I ran out of money. So, I have a busy day ahead of me.
My kitchen is a mess, so I started cleaning it up yesterday. Caleb has a bad habit about throwing things on the floor and not picking them up. Sometimes it's trash, other times it's recycling, and sometimes it's stuff that he doesn't want to throw away, but is too lazy to put away. It's frustrating when you desire a clean house and live with a pig. I at least want to get the dishes rinsed and in the dishwasher.
I need to do laundry, but I need Caleb to collect his dirty laundry and bring it to the laundry room. I am not hunting down dirty laundry.
We missed the recycling truck yesterday. Caleb would not get up when I told him to get up, and by the time he got up, the recycling truck had already passed our house. SMDH. We have a bin full ! They only pick up recycling every other week. He got the trash bin out to the road in time. This boy.
Caleb asked if we could go to the beach or something. I said no because I was too tired. He also asked if we could make some brownies. I said, "I asked you to clean up your mess in the kitchen, and you didn't. Now you want to know if we can make brownies in the dirty kitchen?" He said, "I'll clean it up!" LOL No.
I really like the ham and greens I made the other day. I made enough to last a few days. I ate some yesterday for a late afternoon snack, and again for dinner. It's a guilt-free meal. It has very little carbs and is really tasty. I will be making it again. I am trying to figure out how I use greens in the other foods I like to make. Leafy green like spinach, curly kale, and collard greens are good for their iron content I found out. Maybe that's why I craved them so badly. Caleb ate a whole bag of raw spinach by himself! He must have been craving something too! I've never seen him eat raw leafy greens like that before. It was shocking!
Oh, Caleb loved the spice cake I made with the cream cheese frosting. He decided he wanted some after the other 3 kids ate some and there was little left. LOL He thought the frosting would be bad because it said "cream cheese", but that's the right frosting for that kind of cake. That's how I feel anyway.
Caleb opened a 2lbs. bag of shredded collard greens, talking about "I want some!" and was eating them raw. This kid! He left the whole bag open and out, just because he wanted a handful of raw greens. SMH.
I have to work on moving my books from the china cabinet I inherited, into the bookcases I got more than a month ago. I want to prepare to have my old furniture removed from the property. Plus I want to go through what I have and decide if I should keep it, sell it, or donate it. It's organizing time! My new bookcases remain empty, with the exception of those used for Caleb's homeschooling library. I have not placed the bookcases where I want them yet, and want to wait to put books and things on them until I can move them. It's complicated. Some need to be moved, others are where they need to be. I have to wait for the china cabinet to be taken away, but first I have to empty it. Then once it's gone, I can move a bookcase where it was. Eventually I will get it all straightened out.
It will be nice to have my porch back. I need someone to put together some chairs I bought more than a year ago for the porch that need assembly. They are on the porch, still in boxes. Once the porch is cleared of or old furniture and my dad's trash, I can organize my home project supplies, out of the way.
Now that it is cooler, it will be easier for me to do yard work. I have supplies ready to care for my gardenias. I could not do anything over the summer, because I am a heat injury and heat stroke risk. I am not supposed to be in the sun because of my medications I am on, and I get hot really quickly and stop sweating. It would be nice to put some more frost-proof gardenias out there by the fence line, where I had the other gardenias. They did not survive for one reason or another. The frost-proof gardenias, though, are hearty, and flourishing.
I won't have the money to do any planting this year, but the time will come when I can.
The holidays are coming up. I made plans with Donna while visiting her for Thanksgiving, again. LOL The kids' plans keep changing! Anyway, we are going to have a turkey dinner the Sunday before Thanksgiving so we can celebrate together, because the kids are going to stay with their mother for Thanksgiving day. So, I'm back to baking pies again! I am bringing apple and pumpkin pie. Yay! I might make more than 1 each, it just depends on how much money I have at the time.
I feel more free now that I do not have to worry about doing homework for the Moms' group at church. It was becoming too stressful. I have so much on my plate as it is. And the meetings were 2 hours long! I go to bed before 8, so keeping me there until 8:30 is no fun.
I need to get Caleb a headset to use with his computer and X-Box. He needs to be able to socialize online, because I am not taking him to church group. It's only fair, that if I am socializing online, that he can do the same. I will just have to watch the parental controls. He needs a wireless headset with microphone. He says it needs to have bluetooth functionality. So, that's on my list for Christmas.
My Aunt Lisa and I discussed about quitting vaping. She says she used a medication when she quit smoking. I have used the patch numerous times, the lozenges, and the gum. They don't work for me at all. I will have to ask my PCP or my psychiatrist for help. Every time I have ever asked for help from my PCP, she sends my patches! They don't flipping work! Ugh. So I have to do some research and see what I can do about this bad habit of mine.
Caleb's behavior has gotten better over the past few months. His medication and our communication must be working for him. He is getting angry and violent with less frequency. I do believe that I am having a positive impact on him, and that feels good as his mother. I want him to do well, and learn how to handle his anger.
I have not heard from John. I am happy about that. I was worried that when the protection order expired, he would appear in person, or harrass me by phone or email. I went into a panic when he was requesting credit cards from my accounts. Some people you have to love from a great distance. I think Aunt Lisa and I get along so well, because we both know this about our respective fathers. It can be depressing to think about having to deal with them this way, but when people act with craziness, you have to separate to maintain your own sanity and safety.
When I see photos of John or Christinia pop up on facebook memories, I grieve the way things ended, but I have come to take the next step, and realize that I am much better off without them holding me down. I have come so far this year alone. I am a much happier person without the pressures of their problems hanging over me. They were both abusive, and I hope to never repeat that again.
I have been thinking about selling the Volvo. I don't want it to die. It's a good car, just needs some maintenance that I can't afford. I haven't sold it yet, because I want a second vehicle in case one has to go to the shop for repairs, I won't be left without one. Besides, it's worth more to me than what I can get for it. Caleb destroyed the leather seats many years ago, and the carpet flooring. It doesn't look like much, but it's fully paid for and runs. It passes inspection every year. I still like to drive it. I wanted to keep it to let Caleb drive it when it comes time. He has only about 4 more years before he will get his license. A car that is paid off requires only liability insurance in NC, that saves a lot of money. It's good on gas, and a safe car to drive. I feel confident in Caleb's ability to drive it safely when the time comes. So... maybe I will keep it.
I am trying to sell a few things, but because they are so me-specific, it's hard to do. Not many people around here are into Marvel and want a signed copy canvas by Stan Lee. Not many people like to roller skate as much as I did, and now the skating rink in Wilmington has been sold and torn down. I'm guessing not many people believe the appraisal report for the jewelry I could sell. These things have been listed locally as I do not like having to ship things. I never know how much shipping and handling costs, and always get screwed when I try to estimate it.
I would like to monetize this blog, but don't have a clue how to do it without spending money or a lot of extra time. I have neither. I am not popular, and who would care enough to subscribe to this blog? I will have to do some research when I have free time.
Bella is asleep in the bed with Caleb. The 3 amigos fell asleep together once again. LOL We look like burritos all rolled up in blankets side by side. It's funny. If I had someone else here to take a photo, I so would.
I about lost my pants as I was walking today. I was walking around the grocery store and had my hands full. I am still wearing the skinny jeans that are too big. LOL That's why I bought those suspenders that Caleb is wearing these days.
Bella just got up to tell me she needed to go outside. Cookie earned!
I was just looking at myFitnessPal. I have used it on and off for the past few years or so. I looked at the past 12 months, and there are a lot of ups and downs on my weight graph. The past few months has been going up. I am just now starting to come down. At one point this year, I was close to 300lbs. I was so close to getting under 300lbs. I don't know what happened. I think I started having trouble around March when the pandemic became a problem. I hope to do better now. It's hard to remain emotionally and mentally balanced when the world is changing in ways that no one expected. These are stressful times for all of us.
November 3rd is just a few weeks away. A lot of people are on edge, including myself. I had to stop watching political news. It was driving me crazy. I am so emotionally attached to the issues at hand and I get so worked and hateful and angry. I changed my focus to pitbulls and loving them online.
It is now 2:09 a.m. and I think I might be on my last Dew for the morning. I am trying to think of what I might have on hand, that has not been used that I could give to Billy for a housewarming present. He has recently moved into a new house, and says anything I can offer would help. I think I have a brand new set of sheets that have never been opened that are not deep enough for my new bed that I might be able to give him. I wonder if I have anything else that might help him get situated. I could probably give him his towels that he left here, and the pot that we used to boil peanuts in when Travis was living here back. LOL I'm sure that would help. Let's see. I can't think of anything else I might have that he might need or want. I don't have all that much to offer. I am still trying to get situated in this house, and it's been 5 years! LOL
I am not tired yet. Bella is waiting for me to go back to bed though. She's such a sweetheart.
I recently purchased some shapewear to help me suck it in and stand tall. I am hoping it will help me move more efficiently and anatomically correct. I use to wear shapewear a long time ago when I was working out frequently because my body was changing so fast, and I felt like I didn't know where my body was in space anymore. The pressure felt good too. I hope these items apply a good enough pressure to help me. My belly is not jiggly. It is very hard and solid, so I don't know how much it will help.
For the record, I weigh 325.6 lbs. now, and my highest weight was 328 lbs. I have not gotten into a walking routine yet. I feel like I am still recovering from being sick, in a big way. I am trying to not rush into any new routines, until I can successfully manage my old routines first, without becoming exhausted or fatigued. I want to be able to walk Bella at least 5 times a week. First, I want to be able to catch up on my chores that need to be done badly now.
I am not feeling the pressure to be fast anymore. I am starting to let myself go at my own pace. Being in the Army gives you a sense of urgency for everything that never quite goes away. It was putting a lot of pressure on me to function as if I am not disabled. My Aunt Lisa tries to tell me to be kind to myself, but it's not easy. I feel like my home is an inspectable space. Having my son removed from me really makes me worry about it happening again. I try to put things in place so I can try to relax about it, but it will never really stop worrying me. Then there's the part of me that compares myself to others that I can not stop doing. I just want to gauge how I am doing in comparison to my "peers." They are not my peers. They are not disabled, as I am. I can not compare apples to oranges. I can be really harsh on myself to make things happen as if I am not disabled. I am disabled. I need to tell myself over and over again. It's ok to not be able to function as others do. I can not be held to the same standards as they are. It wouldn't be fair. They can compete in the Olympics, I need to compete in the Special Olympics. There is a place for me, and it is different from the place for them.
I was getting depressed being around the Working Moms' church group. I can not work, and they have no idea what it is like to be me. People without disabilities can take the simple things I find challenging for granted. It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I just don't belong there.
Not to mention that I am now questioning my Christianity. I need to meditate on things. I've done a lot of changing and not been really good about checking with myself. I have been so pre-occupied with dealing with others, that dealing with myself took a back seat. I still lean on Jesus when I need help. I just don't believe everything that mainstream Christians believe.
Bella found herself a place on the couch to wait for me while I blog. LOL She loves me.
Caleb woke up when I got out of bed. His "mommy is gone" internal alarm must have gone off. He went right back to sleep. Thank God! When that boy wakes up and stays up, he wants to talk and talk and talk, and I am just not about that at 2 in the morning. I can blog, sure. It's a quiet thing to do that requires me to work very little, as journaling has long been something I do.
I opened up another can of Dew. LOL
I figured out what is wrong with the idea of me joining special groups to meet people. They are focused groups, and generally are teaching something. I just need a social group where the whole idea is to get to know people. I don't need to learn stuff right now, I just need supportive friends. Thank God I think I have found them in the new friends I have made on facebook. Surprisingly I did not have the energy to message people yesterday, and I probably won't have the energy today either. Tomorrow, Wednesday, I might just need to sleep all day. I know I am going to work my ass today. Doing yoga makes me sore too. I don't do yoga often enough to not get stiff. I forget to do it on my own, and classes are only every other week. It is gentle mindfulness yoga for disabled women veterans. You would think that I wouldn't hurt myself doing it, but I am working my body in a way that it only gets worked every 2 weeks so...
I just thought about something. I should probably give Billy the rest of my alcohol. I am not able to drink and it is just taking up space.
I found out that I can no longer drink coffee. I tried to drink a cup the other day and it made me feel sick. I also found out that I can not take cacao supplements because they make me tired rather than energetic.
I've got to get Caleb to clean up the yard today. He's got his own firing range with a lookout post fort in the backyard, and a self-made golf putting range in the front yard. We are having someone to cut the "grass" on Thursday and his stuff needs to be picked up. He also throws trash in the damned yard! I don't understand what his problem is. Ugh. The frustration! The struggle is real with this one.
I need to finish this Dew and go back to bed or I will not have a time where my stomach is empty to take my iron pill this morning.
I wish I could keep Bella alive until the day I die. It saddens me to think that she will live such a brief existence. I really feel like we are meant for eachother. I love her more than I have ever loved any animal. She is so cuddly and soft. She loves to cuddle and be close to me. And I love for her to be close to me. She follows me everywhere. She stands guard while I use the bathroom. I am in her pack.
Well, I finished my Dew. I am just going to give it a few minutes to settle in my stomach before I get up to go to bed. I wonder how much of the bed is left open for me to sleep right now. I might have to wake Caleb up if he has taken over the bed.
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