Today's prompt is "What makes you miserable?" Another easy to answer question right there! Chronic pain and chronic depression.
It is now 5:45 a.m. and I am awake because I had to use the bathroom, and could not get comfortable again. Yesterday was an ok day, although I did not do as much as I would have liked. I was able to convince Caleb to do some chores to prep for me to do mine. Caleb got a virus on his computer and I spent the better part of the afternoon cleaning up the mess. Thank God Windows has not changed that much, that 19 years after my first computer I can still uninstall junk apps, quarantine viruses, and remove viruses. I ended the night resetting Caleb's computer altogether. He was not happy about that, but I was not the one who gave the viruses. I did the best I could so I wouldn't have to bring the computer back to Best Buy to have it fixed.
Today I have to take Caleb to the hospital to have his labs done. We are going to pick up his steroid cream for his back on the way home. He will have his occupational therapy appointment in the afternoon. I am already thinking about how I am going to handle dinner. The past few nights have been easy because I made so much chili at once, we just had leftovers. I am thinking I will make taco salad for dinner with the pre-cooked taco filling meat that I got from the food distribution. I have to eat the salad vegetables I have in the fridge before they go bad.
I got the water bill in the mail yesterday. Another month of low usage! Woop! Woop!
Yeah I've just been tired lately. I can't explain it. I couldn't get myself to get moving yesterday to get my chores done, even though I wanted them done.
I actually was able to sleep and not feel like I was falling off the bed last night. Bella slept in her crate, which is beside my bed. Caleb gave me room on the bed.
The mail is so slow! I was supposed to receive mail days ago and still have not received it . It's frustrating when you can't depend on the mail.
Today is my grandma's remembrance date on the Jewish calendar. I have to remember to not text Aunt Lisa . Rest in peace grandma.
It's weird to think that Fernando is in Brazil now, and never coming back. I hope he is getting the assistance he needs.
Caleb was complaining about back pain yesterday. I think he pulled a muscle doing something. The day before I had him lay in the bathtub and soak with bath salts, both for his back ache and for his itchy back. The bath salts had shea butter and cocoa butter in them to moisturize skin. He said he felt better, not itchy any more. I think it helped some with the back pain too. It's been awhile since he has taken a bath. Normally I tell him to take showers because he uses less water in the shower than in a bath.
I took a hot shower yesterday and almost didn't make it out of the bathroom. I can not be taking hot showers, with my high blood pressure. It's not safe. The knob for the water in the shower is still not fixed, so I have to ask Caleb to get the pliers to change the water temperature. I do not know when I will be able to get that fixed. I am praying for the day when I pay off the credit card I used to buy my new bed. I will be able to afford to get things done around the house, one thing a month, when that is done.
I am planning to go to Wilmington next week, or maybe even over the weekend. I have to return the shapewear I bought from Lane Bryant, and I want to have my face threaded (hair removed). I like the Korean women who work at the place I have been to before. I went once to have my eyebrows done back when my dad was living with us. I just wanted the experience and to see if I liked it. My face looks so much better when my eyebrows are groomed, and I am more or less hairless elsewhere. I don't normally go to others to have my hair removed. I normally tweeze the hairs out, but it is so taxing as it is hard for me to see, even with the magnifying mirror, without my glasses on.
I have been making lists of things I want to buy. It has been fun to think that I might one day be able to buy the things on my lists. I like shopping around for things I don't necessarily need, but instead want. I haven't figured out what I am going to do for Caleb for Christmas and his birthday yet. I know what he wants... and I want to be able to get those things for him.
I wish I could get my Aunt Lisa something for Christmas too.
I am working on my weight. I hope to find that I have lost more weight this week , when I weigh in on Monday. That would be fantastic! I think adding greens to my food is really helpful for me. It bulks up my meals with leaves, and I can have all the leaves I want! It's not hard on my digestive tract either. Some foods are really hard for my digestion and they take a long time to exit. It becomes painful after a while.
I am waiting for my belly/back support to arrive in the mail. I hope it helps me alot. I should be receiving my Swanson supplements order today. I hope that helps me to eat less.
I have been almost pain free lately. The other day I was achy all over. I have been sleeping on my far infrared fabric, but it's only going to help so much if I am falling off the bed at night.
I get way better sleep in my new bed than I ever did on my old couch. I can't believe I waited so long to sleep on the bed. Old habits are hard to break. Part of it was due to PTSD caused by Caleb. I could not trust that I would not burn alive while trying to rest. I could not trust that something catastrophic was not going to happen while I slept. When he was younger he was playing with fire while I slept. I woke up to a huge light in my room that was foreign. OMG! He use to get up every night. It got to be that he had to sleep with me just so I could know we were safe from him. That's when I talked to his doctor about getting him on something to keep him asleep at night. The medication works, but my fears have never fully gone away.
I have not been texting Rachel. I just felt like she needed a break from me. I was feeling like she was getting irritated with me, so I needed to give her space. She does not like to talk on the phone, I guess. I was texting her to try to keep my spirits up, being alone with Caleb all day is frustrating. I never know how she feels because she never tells me. I am not a mind reader. I hold a conversation by myself, and I do not like that. I don't know what changed. We use to be able to talk on the phone. I miss her, but I don't miss feeling like a burden. I just wanted to share what was going on here with somebody I could trust.
I haven't heard from my mom this week, which is odd. Maybe it's for the better. She only gave me the time of the day when she was driving to or from work, which only lasted a few minutes before she lost signal. Maybe I should be happy she called at all, but I'm not satisfied. I believe I deserve more.
I still miss Mathew, but I guess I will be ok. At least I know he is alive and happy.
I don't miss Sherri or Eric. I was never close to either of them.
I don't think about my dad or Sharon normally, which is a good thing.
I was never close to Sharon's kids.
Fernando never called me. I hope he took our photos with him.
Granny and Pepere call sometimes. We normally talk about our health and cooking. I was never close to them, but always wanted them in my life.
Thank God for the women I have enlisted as my friends because I don't really have a family anymore.
Bella has her heart worm shot appointment in December so I will have to save for that. I am trying to figure out how I can get Caleb what he wants for Christmas and his birthday. He knows I do not have alot of money to spare, so he did not ask me for anything expensive. I would like to be able to get him a mini cake for his birthday, and make him a dinner of his choice, since we will not be having a party.
I wish I earned credits at Walmart every time I shopped there. I could get his presents just by using the credits I've earned throughout the year.
I should be grateful that I have been able to meet most of his needs. He has warm clothes coming in the mail any day now. We have food in the kitchen. The bills are being paid. He gets medical care and medications he needs. We have a family pet to love on.
If I could get a grip on my stress, life would be pretty damn good. I stress about being able to provide food for the family. I stress about being able to pay all the bills. I stress about the money that is left over from paying the bills, and will it be enough? I stress about Caleb's education. I stress about Caleb's behavior. I stress about the state of the house. I stress about Bella's health. I stress about my health.
I stress that I am not doing enough on a daily basis. I stress that I am losing family relationships left and right. I stress that I have no one to talk to on a daily basis. I stress everything! I was stressing about politics, but I have since let it go for the most part. I voted, and that's all I can do.
I'm deep breathing now. I have learned some coping techniques, and deep breathing is one them. I just applied my Sage Mint body cream on to change my focus from my stressors. It smells good to me. I like sage. Alot.
It is now 7:20 a.m. and I need to update my Daily Notes log from yesterday.
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