Today's prompt is "What was your favorite day this week?" Saturday. I did not have any bowel movements, and thus did not experience diarrhea.
It is now 1:38 a.m. here. I am awake because I woke up about 2 hours ago and can not go back to sleep. I have had the luxury of eating Progresso chicken noodle soup, bananas, apples and chicken nuggets today. I am ready for my regular food. I want seasoning and spices!
Yesterday Caleb took it upon himself to walk to the grocery store by himself while I was asleep. He called me from his walk and told me. He wanted me to pick him up. He could not wait for me to take him to the grocery store. He was 20 blocks away from home when I picked him up. SMDH
I still have symptoms of a stomach virus, the diarrhea. I thought it was gone, but it isn't. I might have COVID-19, but do not know. I do not own a thermometer anymore, and don't have the money to buy one, so I don't know if I have had a fever. I have been feeling hot, even though it's 60 degrees in the house, but that could be me on any given day. I struggle with fatigue daily, so it's hard to tell if I am now, more than usual. I still have my sense of taste and smell though. I have had pain associated with the diarrhea. I have not really had other pains that are not normal for me. I won't know until I get tested , I guess. I emailed my PCP about it and should be hearing from her office soon.
Caleb has showed no signs of sickness at all. Makes me wonder if what I am going through really is a virus, or something to do with something that is just me.
Bella is asleep in the bed, all curled up. Caleb is asleep too.
The day was not productive at all, although we did get some grocery shopping done. I slept for half of the day. I was exhausted. Later on today I have mindfulness yoga with the lady veterans at the VA, online.
My workspace is a mess again. I need to organize again. I feel like all I ever do is shop for groceries and clean the house. I told Bella the other day, that if someone had told me in advance that I would be cleaning my house everyday after Caleb for years and years, I would have said "No Thank You!" She just looked at me. LOL
I am in good spirits considering that I can not function. I have yet to take a shower, and I stink. Yuck! I want to wash so badly, and just can't make it. Hopefully I won't have diarrhea today, and I can go about my business. It's gotten so bad that I can not even put the groceries away yet, and I usually do that as soon as Caleb brings them inside the house.
I made it through my VA MOVE class appointment by phone yesterday. I was not wanting to go, but it looks bad if I don't go. Like I said, I didn't do my homework. I didn't even weigh in yesterday morning, and I have done that for the past 6 months or more. I had no weight to tell LeAnn, the leader of the class. I am probably the only one who is gaining weight in class. It sucks, I shouldn't be gaining. I am the youngest veteran in the class, but I am one of the most limited too. I feel like I should be shedding pounds left and right, with ease. I know what to do to make it happen. It's not rocket science. I've lost a lot of weight before. SMH I can't though. I just can't. I have so much going on all the time. I can't keep up. I keep getting knocked down by illness or pain. I am out of my work for a week or more at a time. How can I recover from the large a loss of time?
I was so thirsty, I think I drank a half a gallon of water plus some almondmilk in less than an hour. It energized me. That's why I'm awake now.
Besides going grocery shopping, I didn't do much else. I missed my morning medications, which I have never done before. It was just a jacked up day. I don't know how today will go. I am hoping for better.
My left eye itches so badly, I just want to make it stop, but I don't know how. I put my eye ointment in before I went to bed, hoping that moisturizing my eyes would help with the itching. Sometimes them being dry can cause them to itch, but it usually goes away after treating it with eye drops or something similar. My eye still itches and I hope I do not have pink eye. I just want to take my eyeball out and soak it until it gets better.
I just put on "Inner Peace" essential oil again. I like it. I wish I remembered to use it more frequently.
I got to see my Aunt Lisa on facetime yesterday. She told me how she makes Brazilian style rice. I'm going to try it soon. We got to catch up finally. I did not hear much about her vacation as we talked mostly about what's going on over here.
I talked to my mom yesterday too. A dog has wandered onto her back porch and apparently thinks it's there to stay. Poor thing is mal-nourished and has ribs showing. My mom says it's a hunting dog, and it had no collar. She is looking for the owner by placing posts on Facebook. If no one claims the dog, she will be going to a rescue facility.
Rachel still isn't feeling well. I have not asked her for specifics, but I did try to help.
Caleb can't grasp that I am sick. It's been since Thursday , and he still doesn't understand that he shouldn't be hugging on me, sitting on my lap, or things like that. All I can do is laugh. It's good to be loved.
Last night, when Bella and I went to bed, she laid down between my legs with her head on my belly. I pulled the weighted blanket over us both, and I warmed her up as she was shivering. She must have liked that, because she didn't leave. I liked it too. I like feeling her weight on me, and her belly is always warm. It's like having a 70 pound weighted heating pad on me. She knows where to lay too, to make me feel better.
Aunt Lisa about died when she made a statement about Caleb like "It's not like he's sleeping in your bed or anything right now." Bahahaha! I gave her a look, and she was like "Have I told you nothing?" LOL What can I do, you know? It's just the two of us here together. I fell asleep while he was watching a movie on my phone while it was simultaneously charging on my charger. He was on my bed, but not close to me. His head was at my feet. I mean, it wasn't much different than the layout of basic training bunks when MERSA caused everyone to panic. His night time medication probably knocked him out before he could get up to go to bed.
Caleb made a fort outside with his ACU poncho liner and some camping chairs from which to shoot his air soft gun from. Maybe he will be a sniper one day.
The last time I talked to Billy he told me he was selling his house. His house is next to mine. He is the person I bought my house from. I bet the day that real estate agent went in that house to look around, she decided she couldn't sell it. I am glad about that. I don't want a neighbor. Billy finally moved out of it with a few of his things about a year or so ago. It's nice to not have someone living that close to me. If I thought I could, I would buy it, just to knock it down.
I am supposed to have dinner with Donna this Sunday afternoon, but I think I will cancel. She has 3 kids in the house and she, herself, is high risk because of her age and diabetes.
Oh! I almost forgot that I spoke to the lady who was calling me about my hematologist appointment scheduling. I told her my situation, and she offered to refer me to community care! Awesome! That's just what I wanted.
Now, if I could just get my home in order, that would be fantastic! Seriously, it's always on my mind. Always. I am always working towards that day off that just never comes. It's worse than being in the Army. At least I could enjoy my weekends and holidays off for the most part. I feel like a broken record a lot of times too. What I say does not sink in with Caleb. How many times do I have to say to pick up the trash? Who knew this is what my experience of motherhood would be like? Who? I have words for that person! I might be able to keep up if I didn't have health problems. Damnit. I wish I could get my life together. I wish I could control my health. What the Hell does a person have to do to be normal around here anyway?!
Shit!
I'm so frustrated all the time. I have to remind myself to take breaths. And "Breathe in.... and breathe out...." Is this reality really what I worked my ass off for? Why did I enlist in the Army? Why did I graduate college? Why did I do anything? I could have just stayed the same and gotten to the same place, right? It was more fun my way, by the way. Going nowhere fast. That what it feels like. I have goals. I have a life to live, outside of cleaning the house. At what point do I say, enough is enough, and quit? I will never settle for living like a troll. As long as my health is ok, I will clean. Fuck it.
I need a "Fuck it!" bucket where I put money in it every time I give up. If only I had the money... LMAO! SMDH
What have I been reduced to? I was once a soldier, not a good soldier, but a soldier nonetheless. I lived a life of high standards and of achievement. Am I "lost in the sauce?" Disabled veterans make things happen all the time, and I'm like... "I gotta wash these dishes." WTF?! What can I do? I can't even make it through the Wounded Warrior Project online retreat which lasted for maybe 7 weeks, two times a week. Fuck dude. Damn. Shit. You know what though? I am not depressed. I have that going for me. I am no longer in any abusive relationships, at all. That's a first. I am working on getting back on my feet everyday. Everyday damn day is a fucking struggle. I am trying to make relationships that mean something to me. I am living in a world where Trump is President and I am losing my ever-loving Fucking mind, but I am calm. I can breathe. I am not in a panic. I am safe. My home is my safe place.
I might have COVID-19. If this is it, it is very mild in me compared to what others have gone through. I do not think this is the coronavirus. I think the coronavirus will knock me off my ass and have me intubated ,on oxygen, and fighting for my life.
I don't think it is a coincidence that I got my flu shot days before diarrhea started, do you?
I am grateful to not be nauseous or vomitting. I hate vomitting. I use to vomit every month when I had my period. It's my body's response to the pain the was caused by being on my period. My whole life I never knew it could be different. I stopped having my period in basic training. I never knew what other women's experiences of their periods were, so naturally I assumed what I was going through was normal for all of us. Turns out I had idiots for "parents." I could have been helped beginning in the fifth grade when I started menstruating. I was never helped. My periods were so intense that it caused diarrhea and vomitting every month until the point of nearly passing out.
I would be a much different woman had I been raised by my mom.
I was on my period one time, and John had me outside pushing a fucking car down the road to jump start it. Can you imagine the ignorance? I had no say in the matter. I just had to do it.
I never learned to speak out to my dad. I mean, sometimes, I would say stuff, but it wasn't me in full force. He's never seen me in full force. I was most myself in 2013 before I was hospitalized. I was learning to love my body and shape it the way I wanted. I was learning to eat to live and not live to eat. I was in school and living with just Caleb. I was not in any relationships at all. I was paying for what I wanted and needed by myself. I was able to stand on my own. I was lonely, but I didn't need anybody.
I miss feeling that kind of control over my own life.
I lost my zone just now. Caleb woke up and started talking me, put on music on his phone, and turned the xbox on. This is why I can't blog during the day. I can't get peace and quiet unless Caleb is asleep.
It is now 3:20 a.m. here. I am having trouble thinking. Stupid video game is loud in the background. I might have to call it a night, and go back to bed. This is pointless.
No comments:
Post a Comment