Today's prompt is "What do you consider to be your biggest achievement?" My 4 years in the Army is my biggest achievement. Enlisting in the Army started me on a journey of 4 years where I never knew what to expect or what would come next. I was injured and recovered multiple times, I faced chronic illnesses, I was even pregnant and gave birth! I always did the best I could and tried to be a good soldier.
It is now 3:44 a.m. and I am awake because I woke up at 1 something, and really could not go back to sleep, even though I was tired. I felt like I was going to fall off the bed. I had my babies sharing the bed with me. I should have gotten a bigger bed when I had the chance, but I did not expect to need more room! Bella followed me out of the room.
Yesterday was not a good day. I thought I was over the stomach virus, and clearly I am not. I did absolutely nothing at all, all day. It was a rainy day and I was wide awake and wanted to do things, but I could not. I was feeling pressure in my gut to go to the bathroom multiple times an hour.
I got Caleb to try out Adventure Academy on my computer for the first time. He does not have any patience, and the game is slow to load. He says the graphics are bad, but they are not like the games he wants to play that are really for older people. For instance, he wants to play Call of Duty. I do not think he should be playing that game.
I went ahead and applied for Medicaid. I do not know how that will turn out. Both Caleb and I have Medicaid. He has full coverage, and I have Family Planning coverage only. I am trying to see if things have changed since my file has been open, that would allow me to get full coverage so I can see a non-VA doctor if I want without having to worry about paying more bills.
The VA is slow and I am not getting any younger. The older I get, the harder it will be to shed this weight. It is important for my quality of life to figure out what exactly is wrong with me and what can be done about it quickly.
I went ahead and purchased some things from Amazon that I needed: sheet suspenders, compression socks, and another mattress protector. I wanted to use the mattress protector Aunt Lisa bought for me and then looked at my old one to see stains on the sides of the bed. The mattress protector Aunt Lisa bought only protects the top of the mattress. I need one that protects the whole bed. It's called an encasement mattress protector, and zips at the bottom. I learned this new word on Amazon when I was trying to look for it. So, I will put the one Aunt Lisa bought for me aside for now, until I no longer have a young child in the house LOL. Actually I am probably the one who spilled the salsa on the side of the bed. Also when I came to the conclusion that I needed tools to keep the sheet on, even though it has deep pockets, I realized that I could not have the suspenders overlapping each other, one on top of another- one for the mattress protector and one for the sheet. Anyway, so I went ahead and bought the encasement mattress protector and suspenders for the sheet.
Caleb was hounding me to go out yesterday. He does not seem to understand what it is like to be sick. He has very little experience being sick himself. He does not know what it is like to have diarrhea all day for several days at a time. You know what I ate yesterday? Plain noodles. I had plain noodles for lunch and plain noodles for dinner. I hate plain noodles. I like them in sauce, but I can't have the sauce right now. It really upset my gut to have eaten it the other day. I want to be healthy again. This sucks!
I have Bella laying between my feet, under the table. LOL She is laying on top of the junk on the floor to be close to me. It's the sweetest thing.
I really wanted to take a shower, but could not get to it. I was not feeling well. I wanted to clean the kitchen too, but didn't get very far before I had to run to the bathroom.
I had a phone call with Aunt Lisa's friend, Dawn, today. We talked about getting a fibromyalgia diagnosis. I never really had a diagnosis process. Other things weren't ruled out. Then again, I have so many problems it's hard to figure out what is what. The closest thing that I had to a test was my C&P exam from the VA when I was filing my claim. The doctor pressed on pressure points, and one made me jump in pain! I think I may have cried, it hurt so much for him to touch me there. The other points were sensitive too, but that one, oh my God!
Who knew I could love an animal so much? I did not! This girl right here, looks at me with those big brown eyes, and my heart melts. I think she wants me to go back to bed, but I am not ready yet. I wish I could train her to be a service dog, but she is too reactive to other animals to take her anywhere. She is so calm and peaceful at home though. I wish I could take her everywhere with me.
Bella just went back to bed. LOL I knew she was waiting for me. She looked behind her to see if I was coming. Nope, she came back out to sit in the chair in the living room. She does not want to leave me behind.
I do not have a lot going on in my head this morning. I put on some "Inner Peace" essential oil a few minutes ago. It smells nice, and works. Caleb has eaten just about all the Halloween candy I bought! That boy loves candy! See, this is why I can't just buy candy and think I can eat it later.
So, yeah, Caleb asked me to go to the beach yesterday. I had to tell him no for a variety of reasons. One, it was rainy outside, and two, I was not willing to go far from the bathroom. He also begged me to take him to Publix so he could buy a hot wheels car. I couldn't go. He told me I was faking when I told him I was sick and needed to stay home. I don't know what more proof you need, but Caleb sees me in the bathroom, and hears what is going on in there. It's not pretty.
I emailed my PCP about the hematologist referral yesterday. I asked if there was any way I could be referred outside the VA so I would not have to travel so far, seeing as I am a seizure risk and should not be driving that far by myself. I also mentioned, that if I could go to somewhere where Caleb could remain in the car in the parking lot, I would be able to have my appointment.
I weigh in later today. I wonder what that is going to look like. Watch, I bet I have gained weight. SMH
I have my MOVE follow up class later today too. It's a class that is held by phone call about weight management. I did not do my homework, which was to write down the foods I ate and the calories consumed for several days to see what is going on. Oops.
On Tuesday I have my Yoga class online with Dr. Gellman and the other Lady Veterans. Wednesday, I have my therapist appointment online. Thursday, Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment. We might have to cancel that appointment depending on if I am still contagious and/or suffering symptoms. On Thursday I also have my Moms' church group which might also have to be cancelled. Friday is open so far.
The seasonal movies should be starting soon on tv, if they have not already started. I love the seasonal movies on tv in the Fall and Winter.
I have had to start projecting my next month's budget in order to make sure I have money to pay the bills. By this I mean, that I do not make enough money in one month to cover my expenses. I don't know how this happened, but it did. I have to save from this month, the money that is supposed to go to groceries and gas, and split it to cover the groceries and gas I will need at the beginning of next month. It's all very stressful. If I did not have help, I don't know what I would do to survive. As it is, I am having to use my credit cards to by basic needs. I just do not have the cash. The stuff I bought from Amazon, paid by credit card. I am not going to have enough money to buy Caleb a computer this year at either Black Friday or Cyber Monday events. I am not going to have enough money to buy gifts for Christmas or Caleb's birthday on New Year's Eve.
On the bright side, every day that passes, is a day that my bills are being paid. One day I will not have all these bills. I really look forward to that day. Bella's got a vet appointment that I will be able to pay with cash, but it's coming out of our household needs budget. So, we are going to have to really cut back on the spending. I don't know how much more I can cut back. I'm not exactly living richly. I stopped buying fish. I stopped buying beef. I stopped buying pork. I am only buying chicken as needed. Chicken breast is the cheapest meat I can find at $1.99/lbs. at Walmart here. Caleb doesn't like other parts of the chicken, or I might be able to save money buying a whole chicken at once. No matter what I do, we will always need Almondmilk, orange juice, apple juice, bread, butter, cheese, sliced ham, vegetables, Dew, my flavored water packet mix, and easy things for Caleb to cook on his own. As of right now, the pantry is looking good here. I have worked hard to fill it for hurricane season, and keep it stocked with canned foods. Once hurricane season passes, I will no longer have the need to keep so much stock available. I wonder if I am the only one here who obsesses about hurricane season. Probably.
The other day I put together a working model of when I will have my accounts paid off. I am hopeful for the future. I can not wait to no longer be indebted to credit card companies, car loan company, or even the payment plan for the shed. I want it all paid off! It's just a matter of time now. I just have to do my best everyday to not be persuaded that I need that new pair of jeans, or Caleb needs that new pair of name brand shoes, or worse those crystals and magickal things that I never use, but just must have! LOL Oh! It's soooo hard to not spend any money on anything but groceries and gas. I wanted to pay to have the water knob to the shower replaced at the end of the month, but am not going to be able to to afford it. I have to figure out how I am going to be able to pay for Bella's prescription flea & tick medication this month. I wish I had a money tree!
I think I might be able to start working on the house next year, but I am not sure. It really just depends on how things go. I pray for no more unexpected expenses to come my way. I am trying hard to catch up on costs as it is. I still have not had the floor fixed, and it's been a year since I bought the vinyl flooring material to replace it. I did not, and do not have the money for the rest of the supplies or the labor to finish the job. I only paid off that bill to Lowe's in May of this year. Now I owe them for the air conditioner, which I realize that I should have never lived without.
I need to rip out the old cabinet beneath the kitchen sink and have mold removal process done. I was just able to fix the leak under the sink earlier this year, and who knows how long that's been a problem.
I need to have someone remove the popcorn ceiling paint in the hallway bathroom, and paint it with waterproof ceiling paint or something. I also need the bathroom fan replaced. I bought a replacement fan when I moved in the house, but never had the money to replace it. Now there is mold on the ceiling. I bought the paint last year, and have not had the money to have someone come and do the work for me.
If I knew what the hell I was doing, I might attempt at doing some of this stuff myself, but because disposal of waste is a problem, I would much rather have a professional do it. Besides, I am not going on a ladder, or touching these old electrical wires, or doing anything near water pipes. That's just the beginning of the work I need to do on the house! Oh my God! I have a long list of things I need to do in order to pass an inspection to refinance the house with a VA loan. I can't believe it's gotten this bad, but the house was run down when I bought it so.... and it was what I could afford at the time. I could not afford to move far away because I could not afford to move at all! I managed to make things happen in a half-assed way, but it was stressful to the point of shock. But hey, I've got a roof over my head, right?
This would be a lot easier to fix if John and Sharon hadn't been so abusive and could have stayed here. They were paying me rent every month, so I had money. Granted, it often went to buy groceries and pay for all the gas we were using to go to appointments nearly everyday back and forth to Wilmington and sometimes to Fayetteville. Just when you think things might be getting stable, they fall apart. That's how it is in my life. I had hopes that we could spend our futures together and build something worth having. They lost everything they had multiple times over the years, through bankruptcy and illnesses. I was giving them a chance to have a home without having to start from scratch, and be a part of our daily lives.
They can not be trusted. Fool me once, shame you, fool me twice, shame on me. SO, shame on me! I am so glad the police did not take his rambling on seriously when he was the one being investigated for abuse. He was trying to have me locked up for mental illness! That's just another reason to stay close to my healthcare team. I can't even trust my own father not to throw me under the bus. If there is a Hell, they are both going. They damaged not only my life, but Caleb's as well. Before that, Sharon had 3 kids of her own she damaged so badly they don't answer her calls. John damaged Mathew's life so badly that he blocked him. That's a total of 5 kids, and one grandchild abused. I tried to forgive, but I will never forget. Smoking all the weed in the world couldn't make me forget. Sometimes I think it would take that much just to be ok again.
I was just thinking, it's going to take me 30 years to complete the needed work on this fucking house! I won't need to refinance then! FML
At least I have the much needed furniture upgrade I wanted. Now, if I can just get rid of the old stuff.
I gotta move the Volvo later today. I don't want those new tires going bad because I let it sit for too long. Maybe I should try to sell it. I was thinking about it. I wouldn't get much for it. I wouldn't get what it's worth I'm sure. Damnit. I wish I was more capable of getting things done. I wish I was healthier. You know, my problems didn't just come out of nowhere. I've had many of my problems my entire life, but that never stopped me. It NEVER stopped me. Never. I'm still pushing through the bullshit these days but I haven't stopped. I may need a break here and there, but that's not me stopping. I will never quit! Things would be easier for me if I could earn the money I am worth. FML
I gotta stop beating myself up about not being able to work. It's just hard watching all these other people go out and hold down jobs, earn a living, and buy what they want when they want it. I can't do that. How could I not be jealous when I am here struggling to pay for sheet suspenders? I mean, really. You could neva, eva ... eva, eva, get on my level! What? Get on my level! LOL - that's from a hip hop song from back in the day. Honestly, though, I look around and I don't see people like me around. I don't see veterans. I don't see women veterans for sure. I had to join a group at the VA clinic because we are so hard to find out there in the world. We might all be disabled women veterans in the group, but they are all married. I am the only single one, and I have a child. I not the only obese one, but I am easily the one with the highest BMI. I am the second youngest one in the group. If any one were to look at me and compare me to others in the group, they'd be like DAAAAAAAMMMNNNN you fucked up girl! Like, how do I even live with myself? Fuck! I don't fucking know! One breath at a time , I guess!
I've never really felt in my own place anywhere though. I've always felt like an outlier. Always. There's always something. Usually it's my intelligence, but there's always something that separates me from others. I kinda get how Caleb feels when he's left out, because I was left out a lot too. I was just different, and people don't like different. They want everybody to be the same. I want to be the same, but I can't reject who I am in the name of being like everybody else.
Being human sucks. I wish I was an angel of light. Perfect in every way. I am so far from perfection, only God can love me.
It is now 6:20 a.m. Where does the time go? I swear I just sat down here a little while ago. Time flies when I am blogging. At least, as long as Caleb is asleep. LOL!
I went on Amazon to look for this new Progresso soup, and do you know how much they were selling it for? It was a 1lbs. can of soup and it was being sold for over $45! Can you believe that shit?! Un-fucking-believable. If ever there was a scam, it's these people trying to rob others of their EBT money.
Caleb just woke up and was looking for me. I think Bella went to lay down with him. It's probably time for me to go too. I need to lay down before my back starts to hurt from sitting all slouched over.
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