Today's prompt is "Today you got rid of ____." Um... I think today I got rid of diarrhea.
It is now 2:52 a.m. here, and I am awake because I woke up about an hour ago and can't go back to sleep, even though I am still tired. Yesterday I was feeling better, and was able to get a shower I really needed. I got a response back from my PCP about the COVID-19 email that I sent them. I no longer think I have the coronavirus.
I did not do much. As a matter of fact, I don't remember most of the day. I did do my gentle mindfulness yoga class. That was good. I think I am feeling a bit sore from a mixture of the yoga and the rain. I did not take my midday fibromyalgia symptom supplement, because I forgot to take it.
I got the list of ladies' contact information from the Moms' group so now I have a list of moms I can text or chat with from church! I called my Granny and Pepere yesterday afternoon and spoke with them for awhile. That was nice. They are so interesting. I text Rachel throughout the day and got to see her new lavender hair color. It looks awesome on her! I made a pot of Brazilian rice yesterday afternoon. It tastes delicious and did not stick to the pot. I went ahead and cancelled all in-person appointments for the week to be sure no one else gets sick. So, that means no occupational therapy, no moms' church group, and no dinner with Donna's family on Sunday.
I am taking things pretty slowly. I am not in rushing into anything. I stayed up yesterday morning after I finished blogging and ended up taking my shower before dawn. I just could not go back to sleep. Taking a shower made me feel so much better though. It really makes a difference. I made sure not to use the hot water this time. I used luke-warm water. I avoided my blood pressure problems that way, but did not get the same feeling on my back that the hot water does. My back needs the hot water to feel better.
I got my Amazon packages in the mail yesterday, so Caleb and I were able to put on the new encasement mattress protector. We put the sheet on and were trying to use the suspenders but it's not easy lifting a queen size mattress to get those things on. We ended up giving up. Maybe we will try again today. I slept ok from the time I went to bed around 7:30 to about 1:30. The sheet stayed on the mattress. Maybe the mattress cover will keep the sheet on the mattress? That would be awesome!
Caleb is wearing a pair of my compression socks because he says that none of his socks are clean. Well, I said, I can't clean what you don't put in the laundry room. One of his missions yesterday was to gather all his socks so they could be washed. He did not complete the mission, but at least he took a good shower and put on my socks. His toes are raw from rubbing against his shoes without socks. I've been trying to tell him how important it is to wear socks, but he never listens. Aunt Lisa is going to buy him some more socks, as I do not have the money right now. She is also going to send us a thermometer so I can check our temperatures as needed from home.
Yesterday morning, while I was unable to sleep, I thought about how I can take control of my weight gain. I like using Swanson products, but I use to use GNC products before I was medicated. I was using thermogenics to help me have energy during the day enough to work out for at least an hour, and go to school full time, and then take care of Caleb. I can not take them with my medications, so I went to see what they put in the products I was using, that I might be able to take as individual supplements and exclude the HTP-5 and caffeine, and other mood enhancing herbs.
Swanson has their own line of weight management products, so I am going to try some of them and see how they affect me. They do not use harsh chemicals or high doses of stimulants. Mostly I need help with carb blocking, appetite control, and fat burning.
Once I get back to my normal, I will be able to walk Bella again. Walking everyday will make a big difference at this point. I have been in this house locked away since before COVID-19 hit. As long as it is cool outside, I might even be able to wear my weighted vest to walk. I will lose weight faster if I use weights to train.
That fibromyalgia symptom supplement really helps me with my pain levels. It brings it down to 1 or even 0. That makes a huge difference in what I am able and willing to do. Being able to get out of bed without pain is a major accomplishment. Prescription drugs were not enough to take away the pains I have, and I have reached the limit the VA is willing to give for my problems. I have tried every avenue possible to get things under control. I was advised not to use supplements in addition to my prescriptions, but what choice do they leave me? I can't live my life from my bed! I can't live everyday with so much pain I don't want to get up! Shit.
It's just like the problem with me drinking Dew. If I had a choice, do you really think I would feel the need to supplement my prescriptions with Dew? Nope. But I have no choice. I can't walk around zombified all day every day, not being able to think clearly and tired to the point of falling asleep everywhere I go.
I am not struggling as much as I would be if Caleb was in school like a regular, non-COVID-19 year. I do not have to wake up at 6:00 in the morning to start my day if I don't want to. I am not driving to Wilmington all the time any more. I do not have to rush to get back home before Caleb gets home. That type of thing. Then there is also the depression that sets in when I am left to my own devices for too long. I might be an introvert, but I still need people in my life.
I am waiting to hear back about my Medicaid application. I do not know what they will determine at this point.
Something else crossed my mind while I was unable to sleep too. It was about finding Caleb's biological father. The only way to locate him is to have a DNA test done by the police and run against DOD DNA bank. I do not know his name. I do not know where he might be. It has been 12 years. I could not find him when I was pregnant, so... I could not remember his name then either. As much I would like to let him know that he has a son, Caleb is not in any way his. Caleb is 100% de Mello. I won't risk losing him for anything.
So yeah, that was a big thing. I don't think that knowing the man who at the very least, took advantage of me while I was drinking, is a positive thing. I could use the child support though. I really could.
Anyway, I need to remember to drive the Volvo. It has been sitting there for too long. I need to charge the battery and drive it around.
I have allowed myself to eat bananas and apples and oh! How I miss fruits! I have not been eating fruits because I was trying to get my A1C down so I could get off diabetes medications. Two of the foods I am supposed to eat on the bland diet are apples and bananas! I did not know how I enjoy eating fruits until I had a banana, and a granny Smith apple with peanut butter and raisins- just the way I like it.
Bella is begging me to go back to bed. I am not ready yet.
Right now, I feel like I am ready to transform back into my healthy, fit self. I am ready to make it happen. I have overcome my depression and my pain. Those were the 2 biggest factors in my weight gain, along with the side effects of the prescription medications I am on. I feel like I can turn this weight gain into weight loss now, without having to give anything up. I do not have to give up carbs or fats. I do not have to quit my medications which are working for me. I just need to make sure that I am sleeping enough, resting enough, hydrating enough, and to get active again now.
Bella begged until I got the message that she needed to go outside! Good for her! She earned a cookie!
It is now 4:10 a.m. When did I start blogging? Oh, it was 2:52 a.m. It hasn't been that long then.
Caleb has been playing Adventure Academy for a little while at a time. It's a little slow for him considering he likes fast, action-packed games like Call of Duty, but he will be ok. I'm not asking for much, just about an hour a day is what we are working up to.
I wanted to work on Math with him yesterday, but he wanted to play Adventure Academy, so I wasn't going to stop him. I was falling asleep listening to the game, so I went to take a nap. I ended up in bed for 3 hours! I woke up so tired. I just ate dinner and took my medications, and practically went back to sleep.
Oh shit! I forgot to take the chicken breast and ham out to thaw! Damn it! I have to figure out what's for dinner. I guess I can make that smoked sausage if I am still feeling better and the zucchini, squash, and onions, and we can eat it with the Brazilian rice. That sounds good to me!
I love this window unit air conditioner. I may complain about having to pay it off on the credit card, but it's such a nice addition to our home. It feels so good when I wake up all hot and sometimes even sweaty. It blows right on me as I blog, and cools me off. I am such a hot natured person. John and Sharon drove me crazy with their constant complaining about the temperature in the house. It was never warm enough for them, and always too hot for me! I've just decided that if I ever move, I am going to take it with me. It will go in my room.
I let Shannon know that I was thinking of her yesterday. I wanted to join her fitness club and do the Yoga classes there to start getting my exercise in, but 1) I can not afford another bill, and 2) I can not commit to something where I need child care , and 3) I just can not commit to anything right now. I had to quit both the Veterans Path classes which were only 30 minutes a piece, twice a week, and the Wounded Warrior Project group which was only 1 hour, twice a week. Neither of them required me to drive anywhere as they were both online, and neither of them required me to exercise my body. I still had to quit. It sucks. I just can't take any more obligations right now. I have to remain flexible to allow myself to not be places when I am sick etc. Anyhow, I wanted to reach out to her. I text her husband the other day asking for some information. I will not disclose what it was until the time is right, because I never know... she might be a reader? LOL
I am wondering about a friend I made in one of my classes. She was admitted to the hospital for problems with her PTSD. I have not heard from her since. I might try to reach out to her husband to make sure she is doing ok.
I did not have any problems with Caleb yesterday. It was a nice change from the normal. He is not as controlling when I am well. When I am not well, he tends to try to take advantage of me, and the fact that I probably won't get out of bed.
I hear from other parents of kids with ODD and ADHD on facebook, and we are all going through similar things with our kids. Some are still trying to find the right medications, some are trying to get extra help, some are at their wits' end, and some are just ready to send their kids away. The verbal abuse and physical aggression can be too much, especially as some of these kids are getting to be bigger than their parent(s). I get it. I totally get it because I have been there. Caleb is now 5 feet , 5 inches, an inch taller than me. He's only eleven and still growing. He's at an age and size that if I can't get him under control, I'm going to need to get help fast too. Fortunately for me, he does love me. I can reach him sometimes. Sometimes, I can't reach him at all.
I am going to suggest to Caleb's psychiatrist the possibility that he might also be bipolar and/or need medications to regulate his moods. John is bipolar, and I have depression so ... it runs in the family.
Bella is sleeping on the couch, I think. I can't tell, but I heard her lay down after eating her cookie.
I am dying for my hair to grow back. I swear I will never dye it again. It totally destroyed my hair. My hair takes so long to grow too.
It's still not cold enough for me to wear leggings or jeans, but it's getting there. I am still wearing my shorts out, but I am wearing a t-shirt today, instead of my tank/tunic top.
I can't wait to be able to have a full day again. I have so much work to be done around here, it's not even funny. I am just going to take it slow so I don't burn out though.
I am on a 30-day free trial of Amazon Prime. I get a 50% discount on Prime membership because I have government assistance. I can order food from them if I need and they will get it to me in 2 days.
I weighed in yesterday morning. I had to wait until that half gallon of water and almondmilk was processed to get a more accurate reading. I weigh 328 pounds now. It's the most I've ever weighed in my life. I can not go on this way. I must begin to turn it around. I must find stability in the pain levels and depression I feel. If I can get those things stable, I can overcome the other problems by becoming more active. Once I become more active, the light will shine brighter for me and I can continue the path I need to take to get better.
I am still waiting on my diabetic shoes to come in. I might need to check up on why it is taking more than a month for them to arrive. I have my custom insoles. I have my lift for my right side. I have my compression socks. I have my incline trainer. I have my dog who loves to be walked. I have been without chronic lower back pain and pelvic pain for a while, minus the time a few weeks ago which magically disappeared. I have a good grip on my fibro-pain. I am drinking lots of water. I am getting back to a regular gut health. I am taking my medications like I am supposed to. I am in contact with my my healthcare team. Everything is a status "Green Light."
I can do this. I need to do this. I can do it. One step at a time. One breath at a time. Nice and slow.
I called my dietician, LeAnn, yesterday too. I left her a voicemail to give me a call so we could talk about what I am doing wrong, and what diet is specific to iron-deficiency, inflammation reduction, and diabetes together, for weight loss. I don't want to do her job, but I will if she can't.
I don't understand how I have gained so much weight over the past few months. I keep track of my weigh-ins and notice that I have gained about 12 pounds over the last 3 months. How is that even possible? I am not eating fast food at all. I am not eating deep fried anything. I am trying to stay away from pasta , potatoes and rice normally. I do not drink regular sodas or fruit juices. I do not eat things that have sugar usually. The only fat I am getting is from the olive oil I use to make my dinner and the butter I use to make my grilled ham and cheese sandwiches. Let's see... 12 pounds times 3,500 kcal, is what? 42,000 kcal extra. My BMI is over 50. I am more than 50% fat. That's crazy. I'm not doing it intentionally. I'm not binging.
I know it's a pain in the ass but it looks like I'm going back to myFitnessPal to track my caloric intake. I need proof that I am not the cause of my weight gain. Or proof that I am. I don't know at this point. I have a food scale, so it looks like I will be weighing my food around this time, because I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have to regain control over my own body. It's driving me nuts! Why am I not able to absorb the iron I am taking? I will only know once the hematologist appointment is complete. When I called the Fayetteville office they answered saying it was hematology and oncology. Do I have cancer? My PCP would tell me if she thought that, right? I don't know. Maybe she didn't want to scare me.
I checked my belly for lumps or any abnormality before I took a shower. Oddly enough, that is where almost all my weight is located. I'm shaped differently than other people who are obese. I mean, I did ask for it to be a tumor. Maybe I got my wish. I'm shaped like John, my father. All belly. I weigh more than he does and he is 6 feet tall with way out of control diabetes. I did not see anything when I pulled my belly up and scanned it for oddities. I did not feel anything when I pressed down across my belly. Nothing showed in the trans-vaginal ultrasound that was done at the E.R. What's going on inside my body?
I have unknown reasons for inflammation that seems random. My body does not process iron effectively even though I am taking a multi-vitamin with iron, an iron specific supplement, and I was eating beef and beans regularly. I am gaining weight relatively quickly for not having increased my food intake. What could it be?
It's not simple. It's complicated. I was physically healthy in 2013, maybe minus the iron-deficiency. I stopped moving around. I slept for months and cried and ate trail mix. I, of course, was no longer taking GNC products once I left the hospital. But to put on 180 pounds? You must make a lot of wrong assumptions about me to think I that I am the cause for that.
I have been on prescription medications ever since the fall of 2013. I am on a number of them that cause weight gain. I do not know the mechanism by which they cause weight gain because the inserts for the medications do not divulge that information. I think anybody who was once healthy, and has become this unhealthy, would question what is going on. This is the reason I question whether I am healthier with all the meds, or without them. If this keeps up, I am going to keep gaining weight with no way to stop it. I don't want to weigh anymore than what I already do. This has got to stop here and now.
I pray that we, working together, can figure out the root causes of my suffering and be able to change the rest of my life goes. I deserve better than this. I am a good person.
Peace be with me.
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