5 Year Journal Day 141

      Today's prompt is "What's the craziest thing you've done for love?" Get married. LOL

      It is now 2:54 a.m. here. I went to sleep with a Caleb and a Bella in my bed and woke up alone. LOL Where did everybody go? I found Bella in her crate, and Caleb in the living room on the floor. Yesterday was a productive day. It was also a fibro-pain free day. I did have pains, but they were from exertion. We went grocery shopping at Walmart and I bought a cart full of groceries that I had to unload to scan, and bag, and reload to the cart. It hurt my back from bending over. 

     I did good. I stuck to the shopping list I made yesterday morning, and bought a lot of fresh vegetables to make soups. I made my own creation of chicken soup in the crockpot with a whole chicken! It was delicious! We also went to Food Lion to pick up a few other things that were not at Walmart. It wore me out, so after I put the groceries away and started dinner in the crockpot, I had to take a nap. I woke up and Caleb was not home! I checked the where's my phone app and he was somewhere he should not have been. I was not happy. Then, he was with a neighbor, who he called "friend", and did not even know her name (an adult)! Then, when he got home, he was in my ACU's! OMG! This kid!

     I took care of Bella, giving her her allergy medication, supplemental chews, and putting rub on her front paws. When I separated the chicken, the bones and skin from the meat, I saved the skin for Bella's dinner. 

     It doesn't sound like a lot, but let me tell you, it took the whole day! I used myFitnessPal to track my calories, and was 512 calories below the daily limit! Awesome! I used hand sanitizer when I left the grocery store. I remembered!

     I did not have enough energy to take Bella for a walk, unfortunately. I hope to go for a walk today though. Bella is laying on my feet now. She is such a sweetheart. 

     We are going to do some housework today. I hope to have Caleb's cooperation, but only time will tell. I hate it when I get sick. I get so far behind and I work so hard to stay on track to begin with. 

     I'm going to try to take it slow today so I do not burn out. I need to clean my room. Caleb makes a mess everywhere he goes and does not help clean up! When is he going to learn? 

     Oh! So I got a message about my x-ray results , "The x-rays show significant constipation." Oh really? Because I thought I was having pain pooping for no reason! Come on man! You had to take x-rays to confirm I was telling the truth about my chronic constipation? WTF?! At least there was nothing else to note. I was worried about that. 

     I know my bloodwork is going to come back all jacked up. I've been eating carbs left and right. My A1C is going to be high again. Hopefully it will show that I have gained control over my inflammation. I have been taking supplements that really seem to help. It's amazing. I can't eat that stuff on it's own, or in my meals. I would rather just take a pill with what I need in it. 

     I found some Gatorade Zero on sale at Food Lion so I bought quite a few. Caleb is awake. He said Bella almost pushed him off the bed, that's why he left. 

     We still do not have working cable boxes. I will not call someone to come to check them out until Caleb cleans the living room. We get rid of more trash than any other people I know. I do not know how we have so much trash to throw away. It's really ridiculous. 

      I am going to try to replicate yesterday's calorie deficit, today.  It says if I can do that I will be 317 pounds in 5 weeks!  

     Caleb just stole Bella to the bedroom. Oh my feet warmer is gone!

     Ok so I was just doing some work on the family finances. Gotta "balance that checkbook." Ok, so I just had to confirm that my flood policy for the house is being paid by my mortgage company, because I don't have $600, and am not going to have it any time soon. 

     I keep an overview spreadsheet of my spending on my credit cards so I can see what the Hell I am spending money on that I have to use them for. I wish I could stop vaping. It's not going to happen any time soon. It's too much of my day. I do it without thinking too. It's a bad habit. 

     I'm not going to give up the Dew either. It helps me think more clearly. It's my preferred means of caffeine intake. I am not the same person without it. 

     I had to pull myself away from a clearance sale at Lane Bryant the other day , online of course. I do not need more clothes that I am not going to wear because I spend my days at home. I need to save my money and stop spending, but it is not easy. Temptation is everywhere! 

     I bought a couple of tiny pumpkins for Caleb yesterday. I also bought some apple cider for him. I love that boy. 

     I have to clear on my workspace again. It's a disaster area around my laptop. 

     Aunt Lisa bought Caleb some socks. I do not know what happened to the 3 packs of socks I bought for him. I am thinking I need to issue out some TA-50 over here and make him sign a hand receipt. One for one issue. He can have one pair at a time, and when he turns those in for washing, he can have another pair. That way they don't just disappear! 

     Aunt Lisa sent us a new thermometer too! That will come in handy especially this coming up flu season. I have had my flu shot, but Caleb's appointment with his pediatrician is not until later this month. He has to have his annual physical and whatever shots are due besides the flu shot. He is going to be hurting! 

     I bought Bella more allergy cream, and was going to put some on her paws, but then I thought, no. That is a bad idea because she will likely eat the cream when she licks her paws. It was one thing to put it on her ear flaps, which have totally healed by the way. It's another to put it somewhere she can lick. So, I will just put those in her medication drawer for next allergy season. 

     I want to tell my Granny and Pepere how I made my whole chicken soup! They will be so proud! I used ginger powder and garlic salt to season it, along with black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and lots of rosemary. They are huge advocates of ginger use. 

     I need to trim and file Bella's nails. I got sick before I got to it. They are getting long again. 

     My sheet has been staying in place without the suspenders! Thank God because holding the mattress up to put the suspenders on is hard work. We tried and failed. I have been sleeping more comfortably now that I am not sleeping on whatever plastic stuff that old mattress protector was made of. 

     I need to wash my CPAP pillow. I have never washed it before and do not want to be without it. I will have to wash it early in the morning so it can be dry and ready to use by the time I need a nap. 

     We all love the new comforter I bought. Caleb tried to bogart it. I told him "That is not yours! Got put it back!" Crazy kid. He has at least 3 comforters of his own, and that's the only one that is mine. 

     I am feeling ok though. I was surprised I was able to do so much yesterday. I hope to be able to a lot around the house today. I will feel even better once the Miralax starts working and I am no longer so constipated. I wonder what my x-rays look like. I guess it looks like I am full of shit! Bahahahaha! 

     John and Sharon would have gotten a kick out of that. We laugh about potty humor all the time. I use to be going poop, and yell for John to help me. I needed him to hold my hand. One time , he actually did it, and I made it smell so bad in the bathroom! Bahahahaha! It's the little things.

     Bella doesn't mind. I can't go to the bathroom without Bella knowing where I am and watching me. I know her nose is more sensitive than ours! She has got to know it stinks in the bathroom when I go. Poor girl. She doesn't care about the scent. Maybe she is making sure I am healthy, the way dogs do when they sniff each other's butts. 

     I am so glad she is happy here. She loves to cuddle and be rubbed. She loves me for sure. She follows me everywhere in the house. She wags her tail when I sing silly made up songs to her. She knows those are her special songs, only for her. 

     It is now 4:51 a.m. here. Where did the time go? I have been busy doing this and that. Trying to figure things out with my finances, and make sure everything gets paid. 

     I can hear Caleb's videos playing in the bedroom. I hope they are not taking up the whole bed. I don't take up much space on the bed because I sleep on the edge so I can get up quickly if I need to. 

     Bella goes to get some shots on Tuesday. I need to have a schedule of future appointments needed printed out when we go to the vet's office. I have to plan in advance to be able to pay for them. 

     I am still waiting to hear back on my new Medicaid application. It might take a few weeks before I hear anything. Still, I am patiently waiting. 

     I did not ever call about my diabetic shoes. I do not think the VA is going to pay me on that travel pay voucher either. Sucks. I mailed it to the clinic, like I always do and it was never processed. So I had to upload it and email it to the office, but I think it was too late. I have to get the voucher to them within 30 days of the date of the voucher. I think I just missed the deadline because they did not get it the first time I sent it. I will use myhealthevet to upload my documents in the future.

     It's getting closer to November 3rd. We will soon find out who our president is going to be for the next 4 years. Anxiety is kicking my ass about it. I can't watch the news right now. It's too overwhelming. I have enough to worry about. I voted already. I did my part. The rest is not up to me. 

     My 10 year anniversary of leaving the Army is in November too. I can't believe it's been 10 years already. Some days it seems like it wasn't that long ago. In May 2021, it will be my 20 year anniversary of my high school graduation! Man! I am getting old! 

     Caleb's birthday and Christmas are just around the corner. I am not going to max out my credit cards for the sake of buying gifts this year. I have more important goals to meet. We've got to just be grateful we can pay the bills and get by. We are grateful to Aunt Lisa for supporting us through the difficult time. I have not found a way to make more money at home. I can't hold a job and homeschool Caleb. It's hard enough trying to run the house and homeschool Caleb. There are not enough hours in the day for me to do everything I need to do at my own pace. I move too slowly. I get hurt. I get sick. I have bad days. 

     Things happen that are out of my control and they qualify to us as emergencies. Things happen that are out of my control that are not emergencies, but still need to be taken care of in a timely manner. I can't keep up with all these things going on. I get overwhelmed and have to focus on my breathing for a bit. Then there's just the regular everyday stuff that needs to get done too. It's sooo much work for me. 

     I try to simplify things as much as possible and get Caleb to help when he can. Sometimes he cooperates and sometimes he doesn't . I feel like I need to be more than one person most times. I am doing the best I can with what I have to deal with. That's all I can do. I have to accept that, and move on. 

     Bella helps me ground. Yoga helps me ground. Prayer helps me remove the weight from my shoulders. Therapy, good friends, and good family help me check in with my thoughts and get new ideas about how I can manage. 

     I don't think I could do this without medication. It's very stressful ALL the time. I don't often spend time doing things I enjoy because there is so much work to be done all the time. 

     I am struggling to make it, EVERY day. Every single day I struggle to get things done. I want to get things completed so I can do what I want to do instead of what I have to do. Things are NEVER completed around here. I feel like a dog chasing my tail in circles. I'm not going anywhere, and when I catch my tail, I realize it's connected to me. I want to make progress already. 

     I have to figure out a way to train Caleb to not make messes in the first place. I feel like I just got the living room cleaned and already it's pig sty. I have to do it all over again, which means that I am not moving forward, making progress. We need to declutter. There is so much junk that Caleb brings into the house that is trash. There is so much trash that does not make it into the trash can. It's really ridonkilus. 

     Well, I have had enough Dew for one morning. I am starting to wind down. It is now 5:32 a.m. here. It's Saturday morning. Watch. I won't get a lot of sleep this morning.