Today's prompt is "What is your hairstyle?" Well, because I get so hot, I usually have my hair up in a high pony tail. It is not long enough to do much with yet.
I can't believe I have gotten this far with my blog! In my journal that I reference for prompts, I am on May 23! Awesome.
It is now 11:34 p.m. and I cannot sleep. I woke up at 9:30 p.m. and had a snack. I woke up again about 15 minutes ago and could not fall asleep. I am wondering if the same medication that works for Caleb would work for me. He does not get up usually, during the night.
I have to get up at 7 a.m. tomorrow because I have to take Bella to the vet for some shots at 9. It takes us a long time to wake up and get moving. We have a lot to do in the mornings before we can go anywhere.
Today, I woke up way earlier than I had to. I could not sleep anymore. I woke up when I started writing my blog and did not go back to sleep. I got Caleb up at 8:30 a.m. I ate my breakfast and took my medications before my alarm went off to wake up (8:00). I set Caleb's medications out for him to take. After getting him up and telling him what he needed to do, I got in the shower, and took a hot one. It did not cause me problems like it usually does, and I was grateful for that. I needed the heat on my back. All along my spine hurt.
We made it to Caleb's psychiatrist's office early. I spoke to her about the possibility of Caleb having bipolar disorder. She said his last psych eval mentioned DMDD, which is a pre-cursor to bipolar disorder. She adjusted his medications, so we will see.
Caleb saw his therapist next. I told her that Caleb needed reinforcement in safety, anger management, and violent impulse management. I did not stay with him in his appointment because he did not want me to stay.
We came home and I made a giant salad, like I do. I ate salad for lunch and Caleb had mac-a weenies.
I was tired after that, and needed a nap. It was 2:00 p.m. when I went to lay down. I had given Caleb his afternoon medications first. I did not sleep well. I do not know why. I was exhausted. I got up only to eat dinner and practically go right back to bed. I just couldn't make myself do anymore.
Well, that's not completely true. I did trim Bella's nails. I made a mistake on the very last nail, and cut too close to the quick! Oh my Bella! She cried! My poor baby girl! I did not cut through, but apparently I hurt her. She did not bleed. I was doing so good too. I did not make her sit through the time to file her her nails. I figured I could do that tomorrow. I hugged her tight and rubbed her good, showing that I love her and would not never do that to hurt her. She got a big cow trachea treat to munch on too.
I did call about my diabetic shoes. They should arrive by late this week. I will get a call when they come in.
My mom called as I was sitting down to eat my lunch. I was famished! I know she was wondering why I was not talking as much as usual. Well, that's because my mouth was full! LOL
I got my labs back today. My A1c was 7.7, which is not surprising considering all the carbs I have eaten. My goal is 5.7. I think I had it down to 6.7 when I was on keto. My hemoglobin was very low, which is weird because I take a daily multi-vitamin and a daily iron pill. Why is my iron so low? My glucose was high at 125. My sodium was really low, which we have discussed is because I drink so much water and flush it out. A lot of my other markers were out of normal range, either too low or too high. I do not know what all the abbreviations stand for, so I will wait to be informed by my PCP what is going on.
I learned that one burrito sized flour tortilla is 180 calories, practically a small meal in itself, and I should not eat them anymore. I love flour tortillas. RIP flour tortillas. You will be missed.
I plan on making my own creation tomorrow. It is going to be made with ham, cabbage, kale, and spinach. It will be a kind of chunky soup/stew. I found some Ham bouillon in the Mexican section of the Walmart. I do not know why Americans would not want to buy ham bouillon. I mean, I don't want my ham tasting like chicken or beef.
Yeah. I bought a 4 pounder cabbage! It's huge! LOL I wonder if I can fit all these vegetables in my crock pot?
Today all I have to do is take Bella to the vet for her shots. I have to remember to ask about her future appointments, because I need to know how much they will cost. I know she has an annual physical coming up sometime soon. I have tried to brush her teeth more regularly, but damn, I don't even brush my teeth that much! FML I don't want her to have any problems. I don't want to have any problems either! Shit. I need to do better for both of us. Her toothpaste is chicken flavored so she doesn't mind it at all. You can tell she doesn't like to have "weird" things done to her, but that she also trusts me.
I am feeling better now that I am back on the naproxen. I will never do that again. I just wondered though, how much does the fibromyalgia symptom relief supplement do? I had to know if I could quit the naproxen, and there was only one way to find out.
Days that I take showers are usually not productive. Taking a shower not only takes a lot out of me, but I don't want to sweat after I wash up. I like to be clean, despite the fact that I don't shower as much as "normal" people do.
I wanted to wear one on my new shirts with some jeans, but I did not want to be hot. It was too warm for jeans for me today. I am glad I chose to wear my summer clothes. I wanted to wear my hair down, but was too hot after the shower. I have to choose what I am going to do with my hair while it is wet because it is curly. So I just put it up in a ponytail to get it away from my red face.
I wore a little bit of makeup today. Eyeliner. Yup. I did it, and I liked it. Once upon a time, I wore makeup everyday to school. I was not supposed to wear makeup until I was 16, but John did not know I was wearing makeup to school. I was in middle school at the time.
I weighed in this morning. I lost one pound since last week! Awesome! I hope I can keep it off! It's not likely with the all the midnight snacking I've been doing. I can keep under my calorie limit during the day, but then I wake up in the middle of the night and want something to munch on. I may have an apple, or banana, or almonds, but today, I had all 3! I just can not shake the hunger. I don't know how I am going to be able to change. How can I stop eating when I am hungry? I need help. I can not do this on my own. I am fighting medications that make me gain weight, and clearly it is by making me feel hungry, even though I have had enough to eat.
I am trying an appetite control supplement , but it is not working for me. I am disappointed because the same company makes the fibromyalgia symptom relief supplement and it works for me! Ugh. FML. Well, at least I do not have to spend everyday of the rest of my life in pain.
I have to get moving again. I need to walk 5 times a week. I thought about it today, but was too tired, and didn't want to leave the house. I can't wait for it to cool down even more.
There is a smudge kit that I really, really want, but can't afford. It is $40 or so for 11 different types of smudge sticks. I want to try them all! Maybe for Christmas.
I got Caleb to clean up a little portion of the living room today. It took him a few minutes, and he was done. I just wanted him to shop vac the part of the living room floor that did not have anything on it. I could see the crumbs he left everywhere, and they were driving me mad.
Bella is begging for me to go back to bed, but I am not ready. I already let her out, and she earned a cookie, so I know it is not that.
Tomorrow I will get him to pick up some stuff from the floor and shop vac the carpet underneath the junk. A little bit at a time is the key with him.
I have got to clean the bathroom. It is way overdue. I have so many things to do that are overdue. Shit! Am I ever going to catch up? I feel like my only job is to cook and clean, and it sucks.
I am learning how to use myFitnessPal with precision. I have to weigh my food as I am preparing it. I tried to create a recipe today of my salad, and it was not easy. I did not weigh anything as I was making it. I had to guess at how much I used of everything. Not precise. Just an estimation. I don't like that. I would rather weigh out the ingredients and get more accurate numbers.
Bella went to bed without me. She got tired of begging and waiting.
Caleb is asleep on the couch. I wonder why he did not fall asleep with me in the bed tonight? Hmm.
I am still warm. It says it is 60 degrees in here, but I feel warm. I am giving off heat like no other.
I am looking into buying a compression tank top. I use to wear them when I was smaller. It really helps maintain correct posture, and lowers back pain. I do not know if I can find them in my size though. I do not want them just as underwear. I want them as correctional garments. I will continue my search. Surely I am not the only large woman looking for such things.
Wednesday Caleb has an additional appointment with his occupational therapist to make up for missing last week. Then he sees her again on Thursday. On Thursday night, I have my Moms' church group. Friday and Saturday I am free. Sunday, I might be going to Donna's house for early dinner. I might make a cake on Saturday to bring over and share.
Sometime in between all the coming and goings, I have to clean up this mess in this house of mine. I also have to sit down with Caleb and teach him some math skills.
Bella might be getting a spa day this weekend, as she needs it.
Caleb forgot to take the trash bins to the road for today for pick up, so I am sure we will have overflow by next week.
At some point, I need to drive the Volvo. I keep saying I need to do it, and I need to do it.
I used the Light Olive Garden salad dressing on my salad today! It was good, but not as good as the full fat one. I will take it though.
I am wearing my new compression socks today. They have a copper foot. I haven't noticed any difference in wearing them, but I noticed that they are not as tight as my other socks when I put them on. The are supposed to be graduated compression and equal to the same pressure as my other socks. They don't feel like my other socks at all. Might be a good thing.
I need to cut my toe nails, but do not know if I can reach them because of my big belly. It gets in the way. I might need Caleb to give me a spa day too. He likes to paint my nails, and doesn't mind trimming them for me. He can be a sweetheart when he wants to be.
I think Caleb may have come to some realizations today that he had not come to before. Maybe he is realizing that I am here to help him. When I was speaking to his psychiatrist and his therapist, he was different than normal. I think hearing me talk about him that way is helpful. He realizes not everything is in his control because of his genetics, and not his fault. I am trying to make our lives better by reducing the impacts of mental illnesses in our home. Caleb may be different from other kids, but he is not different from the de Mello men in my immediate family. He is just like Mathew and John. They can get mad all they want to, but it is a reflection of themselves they are angry with.
If I raise Caleb knowing he has problems, he might turn out to be better off in the future. He will not have so many questions as to why or how he is different. He will know that he needs help in some areas more than others, but can also succeed if given the chance. I will teach him how to be a better student. That much I know ! I know how to be a good student. I have been a good student my entire life.
Everything is a learning opportunity. It can be hard to keep Caleb's attention if he is not interested. I am still collecting bottles for our life raft. I plan on showing him how to hold them together soon, so he can begin creating it. I need to find some weights to do our science experiment correctly though. We need small weights that can be tested in the bathtub. We will attach them to one Gatorade bottle and see how much weight it takes to sink. I know the process of collecting bottles is getting old to him, but if we want to make a big life raft, it's going to take a lot of bottles! The life raft has to be big enough to carry Caleb, me, and Bella together.
Sometimes I wonder why my life went the way it did. I made bad decisions. I suffered the consequences. Ultimately I know in detail the why to everything, but the big picture why. That I do not know. What does God have in store for me that required me to take those routes? Why give me the freedom of choice, if ultimately my choices would lead to suffering? What kind of God does this?
I watch Caleb grow, and I do not want him to make bad choices. I do not want him to get hurt. I want him to be happy and healthy. I can not watch him 24 hours a day. It is not a choice to give him choices, but a result of having to need rest, breaks, and sleep. If it were up to me, things would be different. Unfortunately, I am not in total control. God created us this way. I can not keep him forever safe. He is rebellious.
All I can do is pray to the God who created us this way. I do not know what else I can do. I am doing my best, but I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form. I am alone. I do not have a partner. I try to have relationships that are supportive, but it is not the same as having someone with me.
This parenting gig doesn't pay. LOL Smh.
I don't have to imagine the fights that would happen if I had a partner who was not like me in understanding the need for mental health. John and Sharon even said I was a bad mother. They both believed Caleb should be choked on more than one occasion. They both have mental health problems that are not resolved. Christinia told me that Caleb was going to end up in prison. She has even more mental health issues that have not even begun to be resolved because she does not believe in the mental health system. The thing is, they lived with me long enough to see both Caleb and me as a whole. It's hard to take them seriously because , well... just think about who the words are coming from. It's also hard to let that stuff go.
I don't need that kind of energy in my home. If you aren't here to help, stay the Fuck away!
If mental health was easy to maneuver around, we wouldn't need lifelong help from doctors and specialists. I've been seeing mental health professionals for 7 years now, and I am just now feeling recovery. It's not because they didn't help. Life is complicated. Mental health problems make things more complicated. I will be in phases of recovery for the rest of my life.
Some people just don't get the struggle. If you don't have to deal with it yourself, or have someone close to you dealing with it, it can be hard to understand. Then, there's the stigma around mental health. Just because you are suffering from some kind of disorder, does not automatically mean that you are "crazy." John tried to have me taken away on two different occasions. It hurts when your own father tries to manipulate things to get his way. I was not taken away because I was not showing signs to the police officers at the time that I needed to be hospitalized for any reason. It hurts.
It doesn't hurt so much that things were said, it hurts much more to know what these people were thinking behind the scenes. They were covert operatives in my own house. They were collecting evidence against me to use in case they should need a bailout. On the surface they showed one thing, but under the surface, something totally different was going on.
I don't know how John or Sharon would have benefitted from me being hospitalized. I don't think they would have. The bills would not have gotten paid. Groceries would not have been bought. Caleb would be there without me. They do not make enough money to keep my home running. I think they just wanted to take me down because they were falling from grace.
I may not have ever seen combat in the Army, but that more than made up for it. If they could have gotten away with it, they would have killed me. I don't know what I have done to deserve such a tragic ending, but John did say he would set the house on fire with everyone in it. It's a sad state of affairs, to be sure. He wanted his own daughter and first-born biological grandchild killed by himself.
I do not know anyone else who has had this kind of experience, and would not even know where to turn for support. Is there a "My father wants to kill me and my son" facebook group?
Christinia was just out of control when she was here. I told her about herself on multiple occasions. Her thoughts were so... I don't know. I can't understand where she is coming from most of the time. I don't get it. I was unable to help her as much as I wanted to. It hurts to know she has to live with those demons in her head and has no escape. She needs so much help.
I do not wish to think about these things, and yet, here we are.
I wish I had the power to heal people.
They are so broken they can only see the faults in me and Caleb. They do not see their own faults at all. According to them, we are fucked up. It hurts because they each a place in my life. They were each of importance to me. I can not ever trust them though. I must find a way to let their memories go into the abyss where they belong.
Bella has come to get me. I think maybe it is time for me to follow her. She knows. She knows.
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