Today's prompt is "What do you miss the most right now?" I miss having friends closeby to talk to everyday.
So it is now 4:33 a.m. here. I just read the text message from my mom and am not happy. She called the other day to ask if she and her husband could come visit. At first I said yes, and even suggested they stay the night in my guest room so I could make them a dinner. The next day was Thursday. I was exhausted Thursday and I messaged my mom saying that I don't think I could prepare the house for them in time for them to come without added stress and pressure to perform. Friday I asked if we could play it by ear, because I did not want to reach my goals and not be able to see them in person. She responded with something to the effect of "No, I don't want to stress you out. I never said I was coming to see your house..." There was more than that, but you get the idea. WTF?! I don't need this bullshit right here. I am the only single parent of her 4 children. I am the only child who talks to her that has disabilities. I am the only child who still talks to her that has a child with special needs. I am the only child who talks to her who is trying to homeschool this year. WTF?! I don't need passive aggressive bitchiness when all I am trying to do is provide a nice, clean place to stay and a free meal for their troubles of driving so far.
Right now, you cannot walk in my house. There is nowhere to put your feet. Caleb has the floor so cluttered that I have to step on things to get from one place to another within the house. It's not pretty. It's not safe. I have old furniture that needs to be hauled away on the screened in porch and inside the house! Again, not pretty. I am doing everything I can to make things better, but there is only so much I can do in a day, especially when we have appointments and places to be during the week. I get tired too! Shit! People think that just because I don't have a job that I don't work! I work everyday! WTF?! What's more is that I have many disabilities to overcome to get things done!
Caleb is not easy to live with. He is a pig. I did not raise him that way, and the fault is not mine, so don't even start with that "I don't believe in ADHD or ODD" bullshit. It's a difference in the way the brain works, and it's scientifically been shown to be true.
I struggle to get all the trash from the house. Caleb throws trash everywhere! Everywhere! I've cleaned the living room myself recently and it's back to square one again. I can't keep doing this. It took me multiple days to clean it up last time.
Here's the text message conversation:
Me: "As much as we would love to have you visit, I have decided that it just isn't a good idea right now. I would like to think that I could clean this mess up to have company visit, but I am sooo exhausted and it's only Thursday. I can't do anything today. I'm sorry mom. I can't put myself under that pressure. I still have old furniture here that needs to be hauled away. The new furniture is not where it belongs. Caleb doesn't clean after himself. It's a war to get him to do any kind of work. I just. I can't right now. I'm sorry mom."
Mom: "No pressure. We were just going to come see you and Caleb for a day. Not to stay at your house. No problem. Again, maybe another time."
Me: " Maybe we could play it by ear? I'd hate to say no and then accomplish my goals and not be able to see you in person"
Mom: "Don't worry about it. I wouldn't want you to feel like I'm stressing you out any. I never said I was coming to see your house or did I say you should clean it up for our visit. We were just going to come see you and Caleb for a day. Not to judge your housekeeping skills."
I don't like how the messages came across. Maybe she still doesn't understand that it's not about her. It's about how I want to present my living space. It's about me being comfortable bringing people to my house. It's about Caleb, Bella, and me living in a clean space for God's sake!
Then, she didn't offer to help. It's my problem, not hers. Right? I only have her first born grandson living here.
So that's what I woke up to this morning.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I did not accomplish as much as I wanted, but I did get some work done. I started cleaning my room, but which has been on the back burner for weeks now. The trash situation was getting out of hand. I cleaned a little more than half of my room. I still have work to do. I was able to get most of the trash out and shop vac most of the walking area. I was able to put my clothes where they belong in the closet. They had been sitting in laundry baskets for the longest time. I was able to to put some clothes away for donating. I might have more clothes around. I am sure I will find them as I clean more. I found my far infrared cloth, and I slept on it to help my back pain.
I was able to get the laundry moving again. I am trying to get Caleb to clear his room of dirty clothes so I can wash all of them. I know he is hiding underwear, socks, and pajamas some where.
I finally took a hot shower. Caleb gave me a pedicure, which is important as a diabetic. I can't reach my toes to be able to cut my toe nails. I rely on Caleb. He loves to do my toes, so it's not an inconvenience to him.
I decided I wanted to be free today, and comfortable. I chose to go without a bra or panties! I'm hangin loose! LOL It use to be an everyday experience to be without a bra on. It was too hard to find a bra that would fit properly without hurting. I said "Fuck it". Bras are expensive anyway. Since then, I have switched to wireless bras and am much more comfortable in them than I ever was in bras with wires.
We went out to Walmart to grab a few things to prepare dinners for the next few days.
Jonathan came and mowed the lawn for us yesterday. He also helped me by closing the attic door which Caleb opened and could not get closed again.
Donna brought over my baking pan full of cupcakes! Awesomeness. She did not have to do that. She knows I am diabetic and can't be eating that stuff.
Caleb caught a garden snake in the yard while Jonathan was here. He was fascinated with it. I did not want to be anywhere near the damned thing. LOL
I spent some time yesterday afternoon trying to fix the problem with Caleb's new computer that will not allow us to install the Adventure Academy app. I can't figure out how to fix it. I spent more than an hour messing around with it before I contacted customer support. I can download it just fine, but when I try to install it , it says something like "The System Administrator has policies in place that prevent installation of this app." Well, I set up the System Administrator , and I did not have policies in place to prevent the app from installing. I don't understand it. It should have sent a request to my email for permission to install the app. It didn't do that. I'm confused as Hell.
I went back to getting laundry done and cleaning my room. I hurt my back multiple times throughout the day. By the time the day was over, my feet hurt for the first time in a long time too. I was ready to rest with my feet up.
The idea was to get my room squared away to be an example of what Caleb should do for his room. At the same time, to be washing and drying clothes so they could be folded and put away. Next on the list, is the hallway which is absolutely clogged with Caleb's junk. The carpet needs to be vacuumed and shampooed badly. After that, I might think about working on the guest room. My Army stuff has been pulled out of storage and spread all over the place by Caleb. I have to show him how to be respectful of my Army stuff, and how to put the things back where they belong, like I had them. They belong in the shed, now that I have one. The carpet in there needs to be vacuumed and shampooed too. The bedding in there need to be washed and replaced.
That's just the beginning. That's just stuff that I can generally manage to keep clean , with the exception of the hallway of course. It's so I can feel accomplished and proud of where I live. I can feel at peace when I got to my room to rest. It's not a stressful place to be anymore. I hate trash. I hate clutter.
Caleb's room is probably a disaster area, as is the common area which is comprised of the living room, eating and working area, and the kitchen. Cleaning the bathrooms are a high priority too. I am always cleaning in the kitchen. Always.
Don't even get me started on outside! OMG! Caleb.
I mean. I've got a good head on my shoulders, but this body... This body needs a lot of work. That's hard to do when I am in pain. There's no pain medication to alleviate the pain I feel, when I feel it. None. The best thing I can do is make sure I am hydrated, fed, and getting adequate rest. That's all I can do!
Got me to thinking about Sherri. SMDH. Sherri still talks to my mom, I guess, every once in awhile. You see, I was not raised by mom. There were many years I did not even see my mom, or talk to my mom. I was raised by my dad, with my brother, Mathew. Sherri and Eric are half-siblings. They had the best of everything their entire lives. Mathew and I did not. That's the short of it. While Mathew and I were getting food stamps, they were on trips to Disney World. That's the difference between us.
I am trying to have a relationship with my mom as an adult, but it's not easy. I suffered alot of bullshit because of her absences. I do it for Caleb. He is already missing his entire father's side of the family. But damn. I'm not going to take abuse from anyone again. You aren't going to make me feel some kind of way when I am trying my hardest to make a life for my family, and getting no help from anyone but my Aunt Lisa.
Don't even mention that she was told No by my grandparents, her mother and father due to COVID-19. I mean, do I want to have visitors? Of course. Is it smart to have visitors? Hell No.
The temptation is there. She just wanted to go somewhere during her time off. This is me everyday baby! Every motha-fuckin day!
That shit ain't never goin to change.
You build a "dream house" and don't even want to rest in it on your time off? What kind of "Dream House" is that? Bullshit. I want to stay in my house, and it's falling apart. I don't want to go anywhere. I really don't.
All this because her cruise was cancelled. I guess I'm number 2 on the visitation for vacation list.
"Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon, when ya coming home son, I don't know when, we'll get together then... you know we'll have a good time then..."
It's fucked up.
Today is Saturday. I don't have alot of plans, just to continue cleaning up as much as I can manage. Same Shit, Different Day.
The time is now 5:54 a.m. here and Caleb just woke up to eat a cupcake. LOL Bella followed me out of the room and is sleeping on the couch. She's all curled up. I just want to pick her and carry her everywhere I go. She is so soft and cuddly, but not small enough to be doing that.
I am not tired this morning. I slept pretty good. Believe it or not, that is me sleeping in. Sleeping until 4 in the morning. LOL I wish it was that easy to get up at 4 when I was in the Fuckin Army! Damn! I had such a hard time getting up back then.
I'm thinking about clearing out my facebook friends list. There are alot of people on there that don't give a shit about me. They are no longer my friends.
You know it's fucked up when mom can afford to take a cruise but can't afford to send us money for food. Just saying. That's what I'm dealing with. I have been accepting help from Aunt Lisa since about late January this year when Christinia moved out. Help from mom? NONE. Caleb needed a phone because it was just going to be us and we did not have a house phone. Aunt Lisa came to the rescue. Mazda needed repairs. Aunt Lisa was there to help. Freezer broke down, central air went out more than once, toilets were running... Aunt Lisa. Couldn't pay the bills AND buy groceries and gas... Aunt Lisa. Caleb needed a computer for school work online. Aunt Lisa. The holidays are coming up and I probably will not have money, Aunt Lisa. Not my dad, AND Not my mom. COVID-19 struck and everything is wonky, I call Aunt Lisa to decompress from the stresses. Aunt Lisa has been keeping me afloat ALL YEAR LONG. I have called her and texted her so many times. She has called me to check on us too. WTF is wrong with this picture right here?
I just within the past few months got on government assistance for food, so I have been able to reduce my financial burden on my favorite Aunt. Jesus! This woman needs an award !
My mom has known about these things, and never once offered to help in any kind of way. Let's take a look now. Why not?
I am trying my best to do the right things here. I am raising my son to the best of my ability. Food is a necessity. I got angry about Nichole not offering to help either! It's no different, except as my mother, you would think there was more of a pull to help a child, adult, or not.
Why do I have to be the child of parents who only think about themselves? Why? Why me God? Why?
Of the 4 of my mother's children, I am the only one not in a happy marriage. I am not in a marriage at all. I am the only one living on a single paycheck and trying to raise a child alone. I am the only one who lives on disability payments and not able to hold a job. I am the only one living in a house that is falling apart. I am the only one who is in so much debt that there is no money left over after the bills are paid. I am the only one who goes to a food distribution site every month to get free food for those on government assistance. I am the only one who is utilizing not only EBT, but Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the VA. What else do I need to do to show people that I need help? That I can't afford to buy things we need?
Caleb and I are the only descendants going to therapy on a regular schedule. We are the only ones going to a psychiatrist on a regular schedule. Caleb just graduated speech therapy at the end of last school year. He is in occupational therapy as well as individual psychological therapy. I am in a group therapy that is yoga-centered as well as individual therapy.
Caleb is physically healthy , thank God for that, but I am not. I am the only one who struggles on a daily basis with health issues. I have more problems with my health than my mother does, and she's a least 20 years older than I am!
Let's not forget that just last year I had to file criminal charges against my own father for assault on a minor under 12, twice. I had to get my father and his partner out of my house relatively quickly and get a protective order against my father. Then! I had a "friend" living with me who did not share her mental illness status with me, that she had C-PTSD and had Borderline Personality Disorder and a child who wouldn't stop crying for no apparent reason. They left in January.
I'm the only one who is dealing with ALL THIS right here. Plus some. That's just the skinny version. If that doesn't SCREAM "Help me! Help me! Help me!" I don't know what will.
The we have the COVID-19 added to the mix this year. That hasn't been easy on us either.
My mom continued to work as normal, with the exception that she now wears a mask and gloves. Woop-dee-do! SOME peoples' lives changed. I'm saying mine changed for the better because I have Caleb home and I can now influence him with greater stickiness. That doesn't mean it's easy! The boy has ADHD and ODD. Everything is a motha-fuckin ordeal, battle, argument, fight, war! Every damned thing! I can't even get him to keep the house clean. We struggle with everyday things for a variety of reasons. Hell, the only normal one here is Bella! She doesn't speak English, so it's not helpful to talk to her most days.
I'm dealing with major depression, fibromyalgia, diabetes, high blood pressure. iron deficient anemia, pains that arise from nowhere and a multitude of other odd problems. What do I have to say to get my family to understand these simple things? I think they are simple to understand. Do you?
It's now 6:51 a.m. here and I have had my last Dew. I think I'm done for today. I don't know what else I can do to educate my family. The only person who seems to get it, understand, have compassion, and actually HELP, is my Aunt Lisa. Thank God a billion times over for her.
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