5 Journal Day 192

      Today's prompt is "When was the last time you spoke to your parents?" Well, I was messaging my mom yesterday after having a bad day. I messaged my dad when his dad passed away, but he did not respond. I am not really supposed to be communicating with him.

     It is now 6:43 a.m. and I just finished paying the bills. I was thinking... You know, "normal" people have so many options when it comes to making money that I don't have. I can not get a job. I can not get a promotion. I can not transfer to a new department. I can not get trained or educated to increase my prospects. I can not find a new job. I can not create my own business. I can not work extra hours. I can not get a pay raise. It's not easy being disabled and living on disability payments. I do not get an automatic pay raise for every year I am on disability, a-hem- service members. 

     I have to live within my means, the same means I had 7 years ago. My bills keep increasing because I have things around the house that need replacing or fixing and it's expensive. I have no savings at all. I have only had the COLA increase every so often and that has been around 1.3% , and we know that inflation is greater than that. 

     The best thing I can do is to get out of debt, but the debt keeps growing faster than I can pay it off. As soon as I get one thing paid off, I have another thing come up that I have to start paying on. It's a vicious cycle. 

     I feel that I only have the basics. I am grateful to have a house to live in, but resent having to do much work to it to maintain functionality. I am grateful to have a minivan that is not from pre-2000 to drive, but can't wait to pay it off. I am grateful to have a sedan that is fully paid off, but can't wait to be able to afford to repair it so it can be driven during the night, during the heat, and with a radio working. 

     I still have not come up with the $100 to move the old furniture off the property. 

     I am grateful to have a shed to store my non-essential, but important belongings, but I can't wait to not have payments anymore. I am grateful that I was offered credit when I was, but now am struggling to pay the debt back. It seems to take forever. 

     I am living on credit because my family needs more than we make. Caleb outgrows clothes so fast that I had just paid off one clothing credit card when he needed a whole new wardrobe. It gets so hot during the summer that my central air conditioning can not keep up to keep the house cool, so I had to buy a window unit on store credit. My carpet cleaner is (my old one) is more than 10 years old, and needed to be replaced, and I had to use store credit for that too. 

     I just wonder how many other people are living the same or similarly to me. I know the pandemic has made things worse for a great many people. 

     Thank God I get food stamps, because I don't have much money left after paying the bills. I will be going to the food distribution this month, as my supplies are running low. 

     I try to not go out much to save on gas. I try not to waste water because it is very expensive here. 

     I am having a pauper's holiday season, because alot of my family has rejected me for one reason or another. 

     Anyway, my charging cable broke for my phone. I hope to get a new one to replace it today. I am running out of my favorite progresso soups. I might have to run to Harris Teeter to restock. The bread is getting stale, but I am still eating it. I need to take out food from the freezer so I have meat to cook for dinners. I don't have any vegetables to cook right now, so I hope I can buy some today. I need to put gas in the Mazda. Bella is running out of food and I need to restock that. At least I was able to buy toilet paper and paper towels when I did. I will be set for those for a while. 

     I am feeling better today than I was yesterday.  The birds are chirping outside as day breaks. Hopefully we will see the sun today.  

     Caleb is still asleep. I don't really feel like staying up. I will take my iron pill and orange juice and go back to bed. 

5 year Journal Day 191

      Today's prompt is "Today was delightful because _____." Today was not delightful at all. I had no energy. I had no motivation. It was dark outside all day. Dark and grey. It started to rain later in the day. I felt pain everywhere. I did not do much. I was barely able to get a handful of dishes washed, and begin to load the dishwasher. That's all I accomplished all day. I was depressed and wanted to stay in bed. I took a long nap in the afternoon. 

     It is now 9:25 p.m. on Sunday. I did not get up this morning to write my blog. I did not get up at all, and therefor did not take my iron pill. 

     Yesterday was a day of service for me and Caleb. We went to Wilmington, unexpectedly, to help Billy out. His girlfriend needed medication from the pharmacy. I had some things to give her, so I brought them over. I took Billy around to get to get the medication, and get his phone fixed. Along the way, I bought 6 boxes of candy canes and donated them to the lady who was collecting donations for the Salvation Army in front of the Walmart because she had run out. I had Caleb give a can of Progresso soup to an old lady who was at a traffic light with a sign. Last, but not least, we handed a guy with a sign at a traffic light a box of Diet Mountain Dew because that was all I had to give. And that was the majority of our day.

     I already summarized how today went. I finally put some cocoa butter on the inside of my nose again. It was soooo dry and blood encrusted. It hurt so bad. I put some on my facial scabs, and on my arm too. They were dry, cracking, and itchy.

     Caleb went out fishing today. He played video games on his Xbox for most of the day.

     I got a message from my mom that lifted my spirits. She showed me her Christmas tree and lights.

     I messaged Erick in Brazil. We exchanged some photos of family.

     I tried to go to sleep, but couldn't. I got too warm. My mind was busy and wouldn't rest. 

     Tomorrow is pay day, which means I get to pay the bills. It's a time consuming process. I have alot of bills. I missed out on all the sales this weekend because I did not have any money to spend. It sucks because I could have bought the gifts I wanted to buy at a discount, rather than paying full retail prices. Hopefully there will be other sales coming up. 

     I have to get some things in the mail so people receive their gifts on time. 

     I really felt the damages that have have happened to me this year, today. I was alone for awhile and just pretty much shut down. I couldn't think about anything. Was just depressed, unmotivated, no energy, and no thoughts. I wanted to clean the kitchen. I did push through some of the "bullshit" to get started, but I did not finish. It was just a dreary day. 

     I'm glad to have Caleb. He looks after me, when I don't even notice that I'm slipping. He makes sure I stick to my medication schedule, and don't miss my important night time medications. He cares about me. 

     I'm glad Bella and I found eachother. She helps me with my depression alot. She is so soft and cuddly. She loves to lay in bed with me. She likes to be close to me all the time. I wish I could take her everywhere I go. She is such a sweetheart. She knows I love her very much. 

    I have not been in as much contact with my Aunt Lisa because she is working herself ragged trying to square away grandpa's storage units and going through the things he collected throughout his life. 

     I posted on facebook that I use to be ok being alone, and now I really am not okay. It's the truth. I need to be ok. I don't know what to do to heal from my traumas, abuses, and bad relationships. I wish I still had my therapist. She has been promoted and the VA filled her position with someone new.

     I felt like lighting candles today, so I did. I bought those candles after Christmas at Walmart last year. 

     I just chatted with a friend on Facebook who saw my depressing post. We are going to video chat tomorrow , and I now have her phone number. She says I can text anytime. What love!

     I am not that tired right now, but my pelvis is hurting and I want to go lay down. I might get up in the morning, and I might not. I don't know. Only time will tell. 

     I am going to go ahead and take my iron pill now though. I don't know for sure, but I have heard lack of iron can cause fatigue. 

     Caleb is finally asleep and I think he has Bella with him, so I might be sleeping all alone tonight. Oh well. At least they are loving on eachother. 

5 Year Journal Day 190

      Today's prompt is " What do you have to lose?" I have to lose weight to get healthy. 

     It is now 5:43 a.m. here. Yesterday was not a productive day. Yesterday, Caleb slept in to almost noon. I slept in to almost 11 a.m., but then I ended up going back to bed after lunch. I was just exhausted and drinking Dew was not giving me the boost I needed to change that around. I slept for most of the day. 

     So, there is not much to report. I do not remember my dreams. Caleb woke me up for dinner and night time medications. I could have slept through the day and night and not gotten up again. I was just that tired. 

     Yesterday was Black Friday. I did not do any Christmas shopping because I am broke. I wish I could have shopped because there were things I wanted to buy for Caleb, family, and friends. I was able to buy some better supporting bras because I have a store credit card with Lane Bryant. It was a $25 sale. Can't beat that. Better support means better posture. Better posture means I am able to move more without as much pain. That means I can stop gaining weight, and maybe begin to lose weight. It was important to me, and so I splurged. I just want to see if the maximum control sports bra does a better job than the bra I currently use. If not, I will return the unworn one. I hope it does though. I really need to be able to stand up straight. 

     I accidentally scratched my arm scab in my sleep because it itched and began bleeding. 

     Caleb is asleep on the couch. Bella is curled up on my bed. Today is Saturday. I have no plans. I hope I feel better and can get the laundry washed. 

     I just want to stay at home at chill out. If I can get the laundry started when I wake up, it is not a big deal to keep it going. Getting started is the hardest part. 

     I missed the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade on Thanksgiving Day. I really wanted to watch it. 

     I have to get the cable boxes fixed so we can watch tv again. I don't want to miss all the Christmas movies. 

     I am still tired. I am going to take my iron pill and orange juice and go back to bed. Hopefully I will feel refreshed when I wake up. 

5 Year Journal Day 189

      Today's prompt is "What's the next book you want to read?" No book in particular, just a book on Quantum Healing.

     It is now 5:19 a.m. here. Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day,  and it went alot differently than I expected. Yesterday morning after I rinsed the green beans, but before I took the stems off, Billy messaged me saying he bought a 20lbs. turkey and to come over to eat. Well, my plans were to cook my own turkey breast dinner in the crockpot. Caleb had gone out to the park to go fishing, and I was about to start preparing the vegetables for the crock pot. After a short conversation, I felt like I should go to Billy's , but not before putting our food in the crockpot. I quickly washed the red potatoes and cut them, then some ginger root, and took the stems off the green beans. I cut a couple of  onions and more ginger root, then added the turkey breast to the crockpot. I seasoned the food with minced garlic, rosemary, thyme, bay leaves, onion powder, garlic salt, and garlic powder. I added some water and a little bit of olive oil and turned the crockpot on. I called Caleb to come home, and then told him my plans. 

     We left the house around 11:38 a.m. We did not make it back home until almost 6:00 p.m. Billy cooked the whole time we were there. The turkey was supposed to be ready to come out of the oven by the time we got there. The turkey did not come out of the oven until 30 minutes before we left. Needless to say, I was hungry by the time we ate. I had not eaten since breakfast around 8:30 a.m. The turkey tasted good though. He also roasted jalepenos, red, orange, and yellow bell peppers, and potatoes. He made stuffing and corn on the cob. He cooked the turkey organs for Bella to eat. 

     By the time I made it home, I was so sore and achy. My feet hurt. My lower back and pelvis hurt. It was awful. I just wanted to go lay down in my bed for the night. I did not expect to stay at Billy's house for that long. I thought we were going to eat around 12:30 p.m. and I would be hungry for dinner when I got home. The house smelled amazing when I got home, but I had no appetite. 

     After I spent some time resting, Caleb wanted to eat. I got up to make him a plate, and then he didn't want to eat. I took a few bites to test the taste of my creation. It was good, just watered down. The turkey breast was moist. The vegetables were tasty. 

     A flash of lightening just lit up the window. A huge thunder roll just sounded and now I can hear the rain drops hitting the window unit air conditioner. 

     Bella gets scared of the thunder and came to me for comforting. 

     Billy and I spent the whole day in the kitchen just talking. It was very obvious to me that he has ADHD and was not on any medications for it. His conversations jumped from one topic to another, leaving me to constantly ask, "What are we talking about?" 

     Today, we are going to have our own Thanksgiving dinner and snacks. LOL

     That makes the count to 3 Thanksgiving dinners this year!

     Because I wasn't home, I didn't get around to washing the laundry. Bella had her turkey organs and scarfed them down with her dinner. Caleb drank Welch's Sparkling Red Grape Juice when I made his plate. 

     We had a long day of socializing. It was exhausting. I can't socialize that long anymore. I get so tired afterwards. 

     I don't know how today is going to go, but I hope I can make big strides on washing the laundry. I hope I can finish moving my books out of the china cabinet. It would be nice to watch the last of Ethony's videos. 

     I'm tired, so I am going back to bed.  

5 Year Journal Day 188

      Today's prompt is " Who is your best friend?" Rachel.

     It is 1:11 a.m. here. Yesterday was a busy and productive day. Caleb and I went to put gas in the car after getting my money back from Billy's girlfriend. From there we went to Walmart to grab some groceries for Thanksgiving dinner and Thanksgiving day with the gift cards donated to us from the church. On the way home, we stopped at CVS to pick up Caleb's refill. Then, I decided to go to Publix to buy some bread. Just that alone was alot to do. Caleb brought in the groceries, and I put them away. I put together some Christmas presents, while Caleb went fishing. 

     I needed a nap badly. My lower back hurt. So I rested for a few hours. When Caleb woke me up and I went to the bathroom, I realized how inflamed and hot my legs were. They were bright red, especially my knees. I must have forgotten to take my afternoon dosage of supplements. That would explain the back pain too. My feet hurt, my legs were sore, my pelvis, and my lower back all hurt. I still had to get up to make dinner.

     I went out to the kitchen and sat at the dinner table to drink a Dew to wake up. I took 2 doses each of my afternoon medications. I would have taken a night time dose anyway. I just didn't want to wait. 

     My allergies are getting worse. I have sinus congestion, and am sneezing during the day, and coughing in my sleep. My right nostril is so dry I have to lubricate it with cocoa butter so it doesn't bleed when I blow my nose. 

     I couldn't resist picking at a scab on my face yesterday, and I made it much worse. Now I have a silver dollar-sized lump on my second chin. It is swollen and hard. 

     I apparently scratched my forearm in my sleep, and woke up with blood all over my arm. 

     I'm a mess. 

     It was late before I started to boil water to make pasta for spaghetti. While I was waiting for the noodles to cook, I washed some dishes, and finished loading the dishwasher. I had to soak some dishes so I couldn't wash them all. 

     I made spaghetti, but it wasn't my best. I used a different sauce that I am not fond of. I have never tried it before last night. I will never buy it again. 

     I am just so thirsty. I kept waking up before I came out to my computer, and needing to drink water. I could not fall back asleep and stay asleep so I just got out of bed. 

     Today is Thanksgiving. I am planning on cooking turkey breast with red potatoes and green beans in the crock pot. I am going to make sweet potatoes, and might also make stuffing. I don't know if I will bother with the gravy. I have a can of cranberry sauce that I will probably be the only one eating. I bought the very last flaky biscuits Walmart had. 

     I bought some snacks to munch on during the day. I really wanted some cocktail shrimp, so I bought a ring. I also got some tortilla chips and jalepeno - artichoke dip, salsa, artichoke hearts, and hearts of palm. I wanted jalepeno stuffed olives but the store was sold out. I wasn't going to, but I splurged on one bottle of white and one bottle of red sparkling juice to have with our dinner. 

     Sharon use to make veggie platters to munch on. Sometimes there would be crackers and cheese. Sometimes we would have olives. She always made alot of food. She would make green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, lil' smoked sausages in barbeque sauce, mashed potatoes, homemade stuffing from scratch, and a huge turkey that she needed help getting into the oven. She would decorate the table with the good dishes. We would have sparkling juice in champagne glasses. Holiday cooking was her specialty. She spent a lifetime perfecting her techniques. There would be at least 2 different kinds of pies. Of course there was cranberry sauce and gravy. Sometimes there was corn on the cob and biscuits. 

     Sharon's Christmas was similar, but usually with ham. She would make homemade fruit cake and cookies. We would eat a big dinner on Christmas Eve, and have a buffet on Christmas morning. 

     We normally watched the Macy's  Thanksgiving Day Parade. We will not be able to watch it on the tv this year because the cable box is broken and I have not had the cable guy come to fix it yet. 

     Caleb is asleep on the couch and Bella followed me from my room and is sleeping on the floor not far from me. 

     I am getting tired again. I am still super thirsty.

     As much as they drove me crazy, I still miss my dad and Sharon. It's unfortunate that we cannot be together. 

     Aunt Lisa wanted to have a big Thanksgiving before grandpa passed away. It was cancelled due to Covid-19 concerns anyway, but it would have been awesome to be able to go. 

     I contacted my mom to make sure that Kenneth's eye surgery went well on Tuesday.

     I contacted Donna to make sure she was not going to be alone for Thanksgiving day, and had food. 

     I made sure Billy went out and bought food to eat yesterday. That turd did not even realize the stores would be closed because it is Thanksgiving Day already. 

     I did not get around to working on moving the rest of my books like I planned, but I might get to it today. I did have Caleb restart the dryer for me. I should have some of my clothes in that load, which means I can take a shower today and change my clothes. 

     I still have alot of laundry to do. 

     Oh! I spent $50 on toilet paper and paper towels yesterday at Walmart! Holy Shit! I don't remember paying that much for paper products. Maybe it has just been a long time since I bought them. I was disheartened by having to use that much of the gift card money on stuff that I should have bought out of my own money, however, I did not have any money. It is forecasted that people will begin hoarding paper products again like they did earlier this year. I do not want to be without toilet paper. 

     I was gifted a $150 Walmart gift card with the idea that $50 was for Thanksgiving dinner, $50 was Christmas dinner, and $25 per person for Christmas gifts. Yeah, I left Walmart having spent the whole damn thing, and not buying one present for Caleb or myself. I have no money for Christmas dinner or Christmas presents now. Sucks. 

     On the one hand, I feel guilty for having done that. On the other hand, I did buy what we needed and could not afford right now. I did buy things for Thanksgiving day and Thanksgiving dinner. I hope I can pull some money out of the budget to get the other things I wanted to get for Caleb. I can do without Christmas presents. I buy what I want throughout the year. I do not need to buy myself presents, but this is the best time to buy things like gift sets of body care products, the popcorn tub that I get him every year and he absolutely loves, and a can of Christmas cookies! He wants candies so badly too. I just want to give him these things. 

     Caleb's birthday is New Year's Eve. I have to get gifts for that too. Oh, what am I going to do?

     Well, I guess I will sleep on it. I've gotta take my iron and I am dying for more to drink. 

5 Year Journal Day 187

      Today's prompt is " What is your motto?' Everyday is a chance to make a difference.

     It is now 3:16 a.m. here. Yesterday was an interesting day. I spent most of the day moving my personal spiritual library from the old china cabinet to the new bookcase. I took photos of each book in the process for insurance purposes. I decided to reorganize my whole library now that I have new bookcases. They are "new", not new. I did not go out and buy new bookcases. These are the same bookcases I picked up for free some months ago. I just never got around to moving stuff around. I want to be able to have the old china cabinet removed when I get money to have the old furniture taken away.

     It was a time consuming process because my house is not easy to walk through, and also because I require so many breaks because my back hurts from bending over. I asked Caleb to help me and he refused. I told Caleb he had to read for 30 minutes and play Adventure Academy for 30 minutes and he refused to do that all day too. He wanted to go fishing, no. He wanted to go to the soccer field, no. He wanted to go to buy candy, no. He wanted to go out somewhere, no. I told him if he did not do what he was supposed to do, he would not be granted screen time on his phone the next day. He made me repeat myself all day long as I prompted him to do his work, while I did mine. 

     I cleared out most of the books from the china cabinet and moved half of the books from my room to the new bookcases. I will finish clearing out the china cabinet today, most likely. I need super glue gel to reattach a knob that broke off of one of the doors. Caleb will not be getting screen time on his phone today, at all. He has to to earn his screen time from now on. I have work to do every day, and so does he. 

     I am trying to reorganize things so that I do not have so much clutter. It seems to grow out of nowhere, and I really have no space for all these things lying around. Some of it is mine and in boxes. Some of it is Caleb's and just thrown on the floor. 

     I have to do one project at a time, until it is complete. That is the only way I will maintain my sanity in this mess we have going on. I want my stuff to be cared for. I do not just throw my stuff on the floor like it is junk because I do not think my stuff is junk. 

     So this project is "Project reorganize personal library." The next project is to scan my Army medical records that I never took out of the box it was shipped in because it was too much to read at one time. 

     I still have to catch up on laundry, and wash the dishes. I still have to cook dinner and go grocery shopping. I still have to budget and pay bills. These are just things I have to do that take blocks of time that once done, I will not have to do again any time soon. 

     I am giving away books that don't really belong here. Either I bought them at a different point in my life and no longer have use for them, or they were donated to me and I never wanted them. They deserve good homes. 

     It is now 4:08 a.m. here. Caleb is asleep on my bed. Bella is asleep in her crate in my room. It is nice and quiet other than the loud window unit air conditioner that keeps the air moving in here. 

     I am happy with my output yesterday. I worked until I could not work anymore. Not only did I do something that needed to be done, but I was also moving more as a result! Boom! Two birds with one stone! 

     Caleb needs some help making responsible choices, and I will help with that. 

     Also yesterday we went to the Generations Church to pickup our holiday gift bag. We were adopted for the holidays to help us pay for holiday food and presents. It was very generous of them to do that, and I appreciate it very much. 

     It is now the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Today I plan on going to Walmart to buy some groceries and maybe some gifts for Caleb. I also still need to pickup  his medication refill because I did not end up doing that yesterday either. It was dark when I went to pickup our holiday gift bag, and I was tired. I just wanted to go back home. I have to stop and put gas in the Mazda. At some point, I need to put some things in the mail. So, I have a busy day ahead of me. 

     I still want to get my books in order and placed in their forever homes. 

     Caleb has made a mess of the kitchen, so I need to clean that up, as well as get the laundry moving. 

     I want Thanksgiving to go easily on me, so I want to prepare the best I can.

     Well, I have some other things I need to get done before I go back to bed, so I better go ahead and get at it. 

5 Year Journal Day 186

     Today's prompt is " ______ is funny." Caleb is funny.

     It is now 3:51 a.m. here. Yesterday  Caleb had 2 appointments that went well. I had enough money to buy to vegetables to make a small salad, so I was happy about that. Billy got out of jail. Ms. Becky brought Caleb some hand-me-down clothes from her grandsons. 

     Yeah, that was our day. Alot of phone calls were about Billy. I really didn't do much. I just drove Caleb to his appointments, and went to Food Lion for salad veggies. I made a good homemade, stovetop meal. I made white rice with onion, zucchini, and yellow squash and some greek sausage. It was delicious. Even Caleb liked it. 

 

     I think today I will make a crockpot dinner of chicken breast and okra and maybe some beans. I took out some ground beef for tomorrow. Hopefully it will be thawed out by then. It is in the fridge. 

     Today is Tuesday. I made it through Monday, which can be quite hard. There are no more appointments for the week. I just have to go pick up the gift bag from the church at a specific time, and go pick up Caleb's medication refill from the pharmacy. 

     Right now, I'm steady drinking my Dew. I'm tired AF. I didn't want to get out f bed, but I had to use the bathroom. Bella followed me out of the bedroom. Caleb is sleeping on my bed. He is a character, I tell ya. He was playing and rammed his head into the wall by accident. I gave him a cocoa butter treatment on his back. I bet his back feels much better now. I have been using the cocoa butter on my face where I have the scabs, and they are healing much faster because of it. I am also using it for my right nostril, which is so dry that it bleeds and hurts. 

     Yesterday morning I worked on the budget to prepare for the next round of bill paying. I also wanted to see how much money we would have leftover once the bills are paid. We won't have much. 

     I am trying to put together some Christmas gift bags for a couple of friends. It is nice to be able to give something for Christmas. It won't be much, but ... it's all  I have to give. 

     I am going to make a turkey breast dinner for Thanksgiving for Caleb and me. I just need to buy some fresh green beans, and maybe some sweet potatoes, and yellow potatoes. I am looking forward to having my first very own Thanksgiving dinner with Caleb. Up until now, I have always gone to someone else's house to celebrate, not wanting to make an entire turkey dinner for just us. Now, I have a big crock pot that I can make turkey breasts in , so I don't have to buy a whole turkey. 

     Today I need to work on getting my laundry washed. I have no clean bras and am running out of socks to wear. I washed a huge load of Caleb's clothes, so he has clean underwear and socks for sure. I would like to get some vacuuming done too, as well as clean up the kitchen a bit. I forgot to water the house plants yesterday. Monday is the weekly scheduled day to water them, and if it is nice outside, give them sunlight. 

     I have just not been energized in the morning. I wake up too early, when I need more sleep. Then I stay up and just sit there being tired. It sucks. I should stay in bed longer and wake up feeling better. 

     I am waiting for a refund from amazon to be able to put gas in my car.

     I weighed in yesterday, and my weight has stayed about the same. I hope to make a difference here soon with these supplements I have started taking. It is a huge amount of herbal supplements that are supposed to help me lose my appetite and help with digestion issues I have. I find that staying at home makes it more likely that I will eat out of boredom. I will not necessarily be hungry, just eat because I'm thinking about food. 

     I skipped lunch yesterday. By the time we got home from Caleb's appointments I was feeling weird. I ate some leftover cabbage and sausage and had a piece of bread real quick because I thought my sugar might be low. I didn't check my sugar until after I had already eaten. I checked it immediately after eating, and it was 170. I should have checked it before I ate, but I didn't think about it until after I ate. I'm not in the habit of checking my sugar.

     I am not doing well avoiding carbs. I love this fresh bread made at the new Publix on the island. I love to make tuna sandwiches or even ham and cheese sandwiches with it. It's just a fast and easy way to eat a meal. No cooking or extra dishes needed. I try to limit my sandwich eating to once a day, and usually I can. It just depends on how busy I am and whether or not I feel I need food right away or can wait to cook something with vegetables in it. 

     I was trying to eat raw vegetables at least once a day, and got out of the habit when grandpa died. Just yesterday, I made my first whole meal on the stovetop again. I just have not been ok. I am getting back to being ok. I had to throw away half my salad veggies because I stopped making salads. I did not feel up to the task. I hope to get back to eating a salad a day, and fresh vegetables with a home cooked dinner. 

     I am trying to walk more frequently but I cannot walk everyday yet. It hurts for a couple of days after I walk about a mile. A mile is what I want to be my minimum, since that is walking to the Veterans Park and back. I like to take Bella there and back . It's good exercise for us both. I figure I can go every 3 days until my body gets use to it, and then maybe I can go every 2 days. 

     Generally speaking, minus the pain from walking, I have been pain-free. The supplements I take for pain really work nicely with the medication I take. Despite waking up too early for my own good, I have been sleeping better. I will never stop waking up around 3 in the morning. I am diabetic and always thirsty, and so I drink alot of fluids all day long. I will always have to get up to use the bathroom at least once in the middle of the night. 

     I still have not changed my shoes to the new shoes, and I need to retire the shoes I am wearing. I need to wear my belly/back brace everyday, and I don't. I get started doing things without putting it on first, and just don't think about it, because I am not in the habit of wearing it yet. 

     I noticed how big my arms have gotten when I went to Donna's house and used the bathroom. My God, what have I done to myself? 

     I am thinking about buying protein shakes again, and using them as meal replacements for lunch. If I do that, I will not have as many opportunities to eat vegetables. I do not know which one is better. 

     I am stretching more often than I use to. I love to do neck rolls. My neck cracks when I do it. I love to do shoulder rolls. I carry my weight and my stress in my shoulders. Every morning I bend over and put my face on Bella's body on the bed. It helps my lower back and I get to cuddle with my fur baby. 

     I do not want to lose my ability to walk. I do not want to be reduced to a wheelchair. I have to work towards getting healthy. I am working towards it. It is just taking longer to get started and stick with it. I cannot afford to give up. If I do not exercise, I will gain more weight. If I do not restrict my calorie intake, I will gain more weight. If I gain more weight, I cause myself more health problems and more pain. 

     I have not been good about not eating out lately. I will have to refrain from eating out, because when I eat out, not only do I eat more than I need to, but the food is not cooked in the same manner as I would cook it from home. The food is automatically cooked with more sugar, salt, and fat. 

     It would be great if I could stop vaping. and drink less Dew. 

     I want to stop vaping but don't know what to do when I don't have the option to vape. I don't have another habit to replace it with. I have to be able to calm my mind when the craving hits. I have to be be able to change my behavior in such a way that I am not moving from one bad habit to another. I don't think I can quit as long as we are in quarantine. The stress is too much. Being at home all day long is too much. Right now, it is a coping mechanism.

     I am wearing my ruana that I bought last year. It is so soft, like wearing a blanket around my shoulders. 

     Today I want to spend some time with Caleb and work his math training. I do not want to overwhelm him, but maybe to do a worksheet or something and also maybe a journal entry. He wrote a little bit at his occupational therapy appointment. I think I need to find a way to buy him some books on military history, special forces, and rangers. 

     I don't have enough money to buy the book I want to buy for Caleb right now, but I might be able to buy him one at a time over time. 

     There is an awesome visual encyclopedia of World War II and I think also World War I that Caleb would love. 

     I want to find a history lesson on Thanksgiving to go over with him, so he knows the reason for the season and the holiday. I want him to think about the things he is thankful for too. 

     Caleb and I found some kids on our street, but we do not yet know how old they are. We noticed sidewalk chalk on a driveway as we were walking down the street the other day. There have not been kids on our street since we moved here. Caleb might have somebody to play with once the quarantine is over. 

     I just thought of a project I need to do. I have small box that was shipped to me after more than a year of waiting that contains my medical files that I requested from the VA. They are not my VA medical files, though. They are my Army files that the VA obtained when I filed my claim. There are easily more than 1,000 pages in that box. I need to scan them and save them. I never want to have to wait that long for my files again, and after awhile they don't keep them anymore, I think. 

     I also need to update Caleb's birth certificate. It will not be easy for someone else to do if I should die. I need to get it done. 

     I just about that I need to order refills for my medications again. Ok, I got that done. 

     It is now 5:46 a.m. and I am on my last Dew for the morning. 

     I don't know about today. I hope I feel alive and energized when I get up later. I could really use a boost. I wish I could drink coffee, but the last time I drank it, it made me feel sick to my stomach.

     I think I will be able to take a walk to the park today. I like taking Bella for walks. She likes to sniff everything  along the way. 

     I need to charge my "good" camera's battery so I can use it  to take better pictures than what I get with my phone's camera. 

     I am thinking about selling the shoes I have not worn, and will never be able to wear again. I am not use to selling things online, so I will have to learn. I could use the money, and it would be nice to only have the things that I can use in my closet. 

     I have a bag or two of clothes that I want to give away. I do not know when places will be accepting donations again though. I do not want to sell them. The local thrift store might take them. 

     I need to charge the battery on the Volvo and drive it. I thought about driving it tomorrow but I don't have anywhere I need to go until it gets dark, and I can't drive the Volvo in the dark because the headlights are not level. 

     I think the annual town Christmas parade is either this weekend or next week. I don't want to miss it. I take Caleb to see it every year. They are doing it differently this year because of Covid-19. We usually all meet up at the park for Christmas carols, hot chocolate, and cookies. There is a parade and Santa comes to town! It's fun and festive. Since we can't gather, the parade is going to be lined up along a road, and we will be staying in the car and driving by the floats. 

     One year Santa arrived on a helicopter. Last year, Elsa and her sister were there to meet the kids! 

     Well, my Dew is about gone, and I have to take my iron pill and orange juice.  

5 Year JOurnal Day 185

      Today's prompt is " What was the last beach you went to?" Uh.. Oak Island beach.

     It is now 3:59 a.m. Yesterday was unproductive. I did not complete any tasks, and that is ok. I rested. I sat in my chair at the dinner table and pretty much web browsed most of the day. My Aunt Lisa called me, and we spoke for a few minutes. My mom called and we spoke too. I did not feel energetic and no motivation to do much of anything. I felt sluggish and tired. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be still. Sometimes, it's just like that. 

     Today Caleb has 2 appointments. He goes to see his therapist and his occupational therapist. 

     I have been dealing with Billy being in jail and communicating for him to his friends and his girlfriend. He is trying to get out of jail, and no one can help him. No one he knows can get him out. 

     Black friday deals have already started. I hate that I can't shop because I have no money. I am glad I bought that turkey dinner though. I gave Caleb one his presents early because he wanted to have shoes to wear in the  house. He keeps stepping on sand spurs. So, I gave him a pair of new slip on shoes that I bought as one his Christmas presents to wear.

     I finally got a response from a local homeschooling mom that I emailed a few weeks ago. She responded and let me know what end-of-year test she uses. I went to go see how much it costs, and it is only $25. Thank God. I thought I was going to have to come up with hundreds of dollars. 

     I started taking my appetite suppressant supplements yesterday. I think it will take about a week to see results. My digestion is so slow, and I think it needs to be in system regularly to feel the effects. I hope something works. So far, the supplements I take for pain have really helped  me. 

     I mailed my pen pals on Saturday. I hope they get my letters soon. 

     I have not been studying lately. I need to get back on track. 

     A neighbor brought Caleb her grandsons' hand me down clothes for Caleb yesterday. She does that every so often. 

     I still have a mess in my workspace to clean up. Sometimes being in social situations can drain me. I'm not in them very often, but when I am, it takes a day or two to recover and get back to my normal. 

     I don't have much to say today. 

5 Year Journal Day 184

      Today's prompt is " Today you cancelled _____." Today I didn't cancel anything.

     First thing in the morning, I wake up to see that I have more than 10 missed calls, but I heard no ringing. I have more than 10 voice mails, all from the same number. It's an automated recording from a Pender County jail. So, before I even wiped my eyes, I went to the Pender County inmate search to see who it could possibly be. I had a good idea of who it might be, but I wasn't sure. It ended up being Billy. The charge was for "Inhaling fumes for intoxication." SMDH. I saved the number in my contact list so it would ring when he called again. It only took a few minutes before I got the call. He needed $100 for bail and wanted to be picked up. SMDH. 

     First of all, I don't have any money. I spent my money on turkey. Secondly, I don't have the gas to drive that far. 

     I did not feel the need to work myself up into a frenzy over his stupidity once again. I was tired. It was not even 8:00 in the morning yet. I had plans for the day, that were a month in the making. I was not letting him take over. I just wasn't. 

     I went on with my day. I went to the post office and dropped off the letters to my pen pals, and some "Thank you" post cards for the Healing for Vets donors who supported me to getting an art kit this month. I went to Food Lion to buy ice cream and cool whip. Then we went to Donna's house. 

     About 30 minutes after I woke up, I got a text from Donna. Gage called Caleb, and she wanted me to know. As soon as Caleb woke up, he checked his phone, and he had a voicemail from Gage. He was so happy! He called Gage right away. The two of them were excited to see eachother, and wanted Caleb to come over right away. I did not even have breakfast yet, nor had I taken my medications. It was not even 9 in the morning yet. We were not supposed to be there until noon. 

     So, after I bought the ice cream and cool whip we headed on over to Donna's . We arrived a little after 11:00. I figured that would allow the kids to play before we sat down to eat. I planned on staying for most of the day because Caleb and Gage, and also Haley are friends and hardly ever get to see eachother anymore. 

     A big dinner was cooked: ham, chicken breast, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, baked beans, hot dogs, potato salad, and biscuits were all served. It was yummy. I, of course, brought 2 apple pies, 2 pumpkin pies, 2 vanilla ice creams, and 2 cool whips. I gave Donna her hostess gift, and she gave me a hug. 

     Caleb and I both had a good time. Alisa and her kids arrived about 12:30 or so. Clayton arrived sometime after 2, because he had to work. It was nice to be able to hang out in person with their family. 

     I was going to stay longer than I did, but Alisa and Clayton left with their kids, and I was getting tired. Donna invited me to stay and take a nap there, but I can't sleep without my CPAP. This time I remembered to bring my afternoon medication and Caleb's afternoon medication too. I thought I had everything worked out to stay all day, but I was wrong. 

     Before we left, I had Caleb, Gage, and Haley take a photo together in front of the Christmas tree, holding the gift sign that I bought for Donna. It says "Thankful".

     That's Gage on the left, Haley is center, and Caleb is on the right. 

     I wanted to get all the kids together for a photo, but this was the only photo I took because it was at the last minute before we left. 

     Caleb had a really good time. He played with the kids on the trampoline, played video games, and played with nerf guns. 

     When Caleb and I came home, I was in pain. My lower back and pelvis was hurting and my legs were sore. It must have been from walking the day before yesterday, because I didn't do anything yesterday. I needed to lay down with my feet raised, and take a nap. 

     Caleb went to the neighbors' house across the street and apparently was helping to bring the wood from our yard over to them so they could start a fire in the fireplace. Caleb sat with them and roasted a hot dog in the fire. 

     I was exhausted when I woke up, and only got out of bed to use the bathroom and take my medications. I went right back to bed because everything was hurting still. I put on the movie " Muppets Christmas" on my phone and we were watching it together in my bed with Bella. 

     It is now 5:17 a.m. here. I am not planning on doing much today. It is Sunday, and I will likely spend the day resting and maybe some doing some laundry. 

     Well, that was our day for the most part. I'm going to take my iron pill and orange juice, and go back to sleep. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 183

      Today's prompt is "Water, ice, or steam?" Not having a clue what this is in reference to, I'm choosing ice.

     It is now 1:10 a.m. here. Yesterday was a slow , but good day. I started up the laundry, started loading the dishwasher, and hand washing dishes. Caleb, Bella, and I went for a walk to the Veterans' Park. I made a cabbage and sausage dinner that was delicious.  

     I got a message from Rachel that really brightened my day even more. I love that woman. 

     Caleb just woke up and said, "Mom." , "I love you." Makes my heart happy. My baby. 

     Today we are going to Donna's to have a Thanksgiving gathering and meal. I am bringing 2 apple pies, 2 pumpkin pies, ice cream, and cool whip. I did not think it would be right to just show up and eat, without contributing. 

     I am so thirsty. I haven't been thirsty in awhile. My mouth is yucky and dry. My nose is dry. I need nasal spray. I need normal saline moisturizing nasal spray. My nose is so dry it hurts and bleeds. I have to remember to buy some when I go to buy the ice cream and cool whip. 

     I think I put too much wet laundry in the dryer for it to dry. The washing machine can wash more than the dryer can dry. It's not always easy to get the loads right. 

     So I talked to a new friend about applying for social security disability and I am sure I helped her alot. I gave her all the information she needed to fill out the application in the best way to get her claim approved. I told her to be as detailed, accurate, and honest as she could. 

     Craig has been prompting me to walk these past few days. It's nice of him to think about me when he goes to the gym to remind me to walk.

     I had fun with Caleb. I got on his nerves by singing a song I made up to the tune of the national anthem. I used only Bella's nickname in singing it, "Boo boo." I often make up songs to sing to Bella in the morning and it drives Caleb crazy. It can be hilarious. It was today, and I even caught it on video. 

     We tried something called chocobites today. They were really good for being a healthy snack. It was some type of oatmeal-chocolate-dried fruit lump cookie type thing. 

     I am really loving this leave-in conditioner I bought from Great Clips. It does wonders for keeping my hair in order and not frizzy and untamed. 

     Caleb wanted to know what we are going to do with the roses that are now dying. I told him they were to honor grandma and grandpa, and they will be spread out in the yard. 

     Bella is sleeping in my bed. Caleb is sleeping on the couch. The air conditioner window unit is on but I can't feel it. I'm kind of hot. I know it's not hot in here though. 

     I am waiting on a refund from an impulse purchase I made. It was a Veterans' Day deal for a pair of wireless headphones for 50% off. It sounded awesome so I bought it. Not even an  hour later I realized that I don't need them right now. I need the credit on my credit card more. By the time they got the message to cancel my order, it had already been shipped. I received it quickly, but it is taking forever to get back to them as a return to sender. 

     I downloaded the PBS video app so I can watch stuff on my phone. There is a WWII video that I found that I think would interest Caleb. I showed it to him and he said "Cool."

     I wonder if I can get the History Channel app too. 

     Caleb wants to watch Charlie Brown, so I wanted to make sure he gets to see the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and also the Charlie Brown Christmas. It will be showing on PBS at a scheduled time. 

     I am using a duffel bag to keep Caleb's Christmas presents in and he has already been snooping around. I need to buy a lock to keep him from going in there. It's nice to be able to surprise him, but  he can't keep himself out of my personal spaces, like my closet. Seriously, there is no reason for him to ever be in there. 

     Bella has a vet appointment coming up for her heartworm prevention shot. It costs alot because I get her the 12 month version of the shot, but I think it's worth it to not have to keep going to the vet. She does not do well around other animals and they have cats just walking around wherever in the office. 

     I wanted to buy Caleb a few thing from Michaels during their Black Friday sale, but I do not know if I will be able to. I need to buy Bella a few things from Chewy, like food and treats. 

     Our family is being sponsored by Generations Church this holiday season. We use to go there when I thought I could manage it. It's a modern non-denominational Christian church. I like it, I just didn't feel like I fit in there. I have alot of blockages towards people there, and I can't figure out why. I don't feel ok there. It's hard because I want to meet locals but I don't want to get into the details of my life because I hate feeling judged, or misunderstood. I don't live where there are many veterans, and there are even fewer women veterans. Add to that being a single parent with disabilities and things get awkward real fast. 

     Having relationships in person is hard for me because I often have to cancel plans due to unforeseen circumstances that are beyond my control. It gets tiresome to have to do that. I feel like I have to apologize for being disabled alot. I'd rather keep my relationships digital- online, text, or phone calls. Even when I am feeling bad I can do those. 

     I just used Cocoa butter on my scabs and in my nose. I hope it helps to heal them both without scars. I can't stopping picking at either. I feel my scabs and I just gotta pick them. I don't know why I can't just leave them alone. Even worse is that it takes so long to heal to begin with, so they are there for a long time. It sucks. It looks terrible. I have about 7 scabs across my second chin. 

     I saw Caleb's mustache today! LOL He is getting facial hair coming in already. It is still light, but I can see it. It is definitely there. 

     I have to go and figure out how to separate the laundry in the dryer so I can get Caleb some clean clothes for tomorrow. I'm going to go ahead and take my iron pill too, so I don't have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. to take it because it has to be taken on an empty stomach with orange juice. 

5 Year Journal Day 182

     Today's prompt is "What can you live without right now?" I can live without this nasal congestion that is keeping me from breathing properly right now. That's for damn sure!

     It is now 3:05 a.m. here. Yesterday was a good day. I tidied up my work area by picking up the recycling that was overfilling in the trash can in my workspace. I took Caleb to his occupational therapy appointment. I found out by listening to the radio that the free Thanksgiving dinner offer I saw on Facebook was legit. Walmart is partnering with iBotta app a free Thanksgiving dinner offer, where specific items are listed for cash back on the app. I totally went to Walmart after Caleb's appointment and tried to fill the complete order. I was able to find everything except the frozen green beans which were out of stock. After making my purchases, I downloaded the app in the car. I had to figure out how to use it. I figured it out, and am waiting on my cash back which may take up to 48 hours, after which time I can withdraw the money to my bank account. I will be getting almost $17 back from my purchases. I am so happy about that.

     My mom called me while I was waiting on Caleb at his appointment. It was a happy call. Thank God! I made her laugh.   

     Caleb and I had Hardee's for lunch/dinner before his appointment. It was delicious as always. 

     I got one of my books I ordered from amazon in the mail. 

     I wrote my veteran pen pal a letter, now I just have to find an envelope and mail it. I still have to write my witch pen pal.

     Overall, it was a good day. I took a hot shower, and got to use my leave in conditioner. It smells so good and makes my hair curly without alot of weight. 

     Today I plan on getting some laundry done. I am running out of socks and underwear. I know Caleb is too. I have not been good about keeping up with the laundry. I am also going to get the kitchen cleaned up so I can cook dinner. If that's all I get done today, I will consider it another good day. Of course I would like to get some walking in too. 

     Caleb wants to paint my toe nails, so that might happen. He needs to cut his finger nails and so do I. Mine are getting too long for my comfort and are starting to break and become jagged.

     Bella needs a nail trim and file too. 

     I need to organize my workspace again. I've piles of papers that I need to file. I want to start moving my books from the china cabinet to the bookcase. 

     I already told Caleb what I would need him to do to help me clean up so he would know in advance what was expected of him. He has to take the kitchen trash out, the kitchen recycling out, empty the dishwasher, and empty the dish strainer for me. That way I can reload the dishwasher and hand wash the dishes that need it, and throw away trash and recycling as needed. 

     Saturday we are going to Donna's for early Thanksgiving dinner. I have to stop by Food Lion and pick up some vanilla ice cream and whip cream before heading to her house. I already have the pies and a special gift for hosting. 

     I think either December 2 or 3 the Town of Oak Island is doing their annual Santa Parade. I have to read the notice again because I don't remember how they are doing it this year. They always have Santa come to town, and I take Caleb for hot chocolate, cookies, a concert, and the tree lighting. Covid-19 has things going a little differently this year and we will not be able to gather like we did last year. It is unfortunate, but necessary. I still hope to take Caleb to see Santa and the parade and the tree lighting. It really sets the mood for the holiday. 

     I have some catching up to do on my classes. I have fallen behind since grandpa passed away. It is a self-paced thing so no worries. 

     Bella is curled up on my bed. Caleb is sleeping on the couch. He says he likes to sleep out in the living room because he feels like a guard. I understand that completely because I once felt the same way. Now I like to sleep in my bed though. It is much more comfortable for me and better for my body. I wake up with fewer aches and pains, and can sleep the way I need to sleep for my circulation and breathing. Besides, my CPAP and all my night time necessities aren't out in the living room creating clutter any more. I need to start using my eye ointment again and my mouth spray. They keep my eyes and mouth moisturized so I can sleep better, and not wake up in the middle of the night with dryness caused by my CPAP. 

     I let as many people know about the Walmart free Thanksgiving meal as I could. Hopefully I helped some people. I know I was not going to buy a Thanksgiving dinner this year, because for the amount of money spent on one meal, I could make 2 or 3. The only reason I will make a turkey dinner is because of this deal. Besides, who couldn't use free food about right right now?

     I recently thought to myself "I love me." It was quite the realization, because there have been many years when I could not say or think this thought honestly. I hated myself for one reason or another. There were even some times when I just wanted to die. There were times when I thought life wasn't worth living. So this thought happening naturally and unprompted by anyone or anything, and being honest was miraculous to say the least. I think I will make it my new mantra. I will do my yoga because I love me. I will eat better because I love me. I will take my medications because I love me. You get the point. Every time I do something good, I will think "I love me." I love me right now, as I am. Not who I want to be some day, but right now, imperfections and all. 

     I also thought "I love Bella. She is a reflection of the love I have for myself."  "I love Caleb. He is a reflection of the love I have for myself." You see it is so easy for me to love others. It is not easy for me to love myself. I know all the dirty little secrets. I have skeletons in my closet. I have done things that I regret. Sure, I can ask Jesus for forgiveness, and he will give it, but have I forgiven myself ? Ummm...Nope.  

     I can not easily see myself by myself. I can easier see myself through my relationships with others. Both Bella and Caleb are generally happy with me. They are cared for and loved no matter what. I should feel the same way about myself. I should care for myself and love myself no matter what. After all, I have been with me my entire life. I am the one who has the last say. When I go to sleep at night, it is my thoughts that I live with. 

     It broke my spirit to hear the things that were said about me by my dad and Sharon as they were leaving my home. It hurt to read the text messages Christinia sent me after she left my house. It hurt to have a fall out with Mathew and Nichole. It hurt to be blocked by Sherri. It hurt to have not have contact with Eric. It hurt when my grandma died and my grandpa died. Through all these things in the last 12 months or so, I have been left standing alone. I thought I would crumble, and I did emotionally fall down, but in the end it was also me who picked me back up. 

     I can talk to my Aunt Lisa or my mom all day and not feel resolved. I still feel lost and depressed. It is my thinking and my emotions that I have to deal with alone. They can offer support but they can not reach the depths of my sorrows to fix me. I have to fix myself. I have to heal. I have to find my own way through the darkness. I am blessed they can offer their floodlights, but unfortunately they do not always reach the monsters I face. 

     Through it all, I never forgot about Jesus. Jesus is my light in the absolute darkness. He has gotten me through all the bad times in my life when I had no support and no where to run to. I was cornered and I faced all kinds of things. He is the reason I can still love complete strangers. I don't do it because of what might happen to me when I die. I do it because it feels right in my heart. It helps to heal the scarring that has amassed in my spiritual body. 

     People in my life don't live the way I do. I can not expect me from them. Even before I knew it was a thing, I decided I would "do no harm." 

     Of all people, I thought Mathew would be my closest ally because we grew up in the same household and have a common history. I was wrong. I see now that I can not expect anything from him. We were treated very differently growing up. I have been in therapy since 2013. He has not been in therapy at all. I have tried to connect with spiritual leaders, churches, and support groups. I don't think he has tried at all. I am actively working on my healing. He is not. He is avoiding everybody who has a connection to him. I am trying to make connections with people regardless of how much the past may have hurt me. 

     There is something inside of me that tells me that family is important. The world is a big place and you should be able to count your family. As an adult, I wanted to believe this. I did not feel this as a child. 

     I need all the support I can get. I want people to know who I am and how I feel about things. I will not be that quiet little girl anymore. I have grown alot since then and overcome a great number of challenges. 

     I see my dad and my brother as people needing help processing their emotional baggage and healing. I don't know Eric and Sherri enough to know what their problems might be. I just feel we are stronger together than apart. 

     If I have learned nothing else in the past 12 months, it is this: I love myself, and I don't need you to love me.

     I am reminded of the song we sang at my DARE graduation. It was "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston. "The greatest love of all... is easy to achieve. Learning to love yourself... is the greatest.. love of all." I was in elementary school when we sang that song. I would sing it in the shower to practice. 

     I feel that learning to love myself means learning to love all of me, including where I come from and my personal history. It means accepting that my parents are human too, and make mistakes along the way. It means learning that my family history may have dark spots and is not always something to be proud about. It also means that I should be proud of what we have achieved as a family and overcome. I feel I am more than just myself at all times. I am a person who is responding to generational curses who will impact the future in ways I can not yet imagine. 

     As of a matter of fact, one of the reasons I document my life is because I know it will be meaningful at some point in the future. Just because I am not famous, does not mean that my contributions are not valuable. I wish I had something to read of my ancestors. I think that would be pretty cool to know more about them in a personal way. 

     My family is so separated for a variety of reasons. My dad's extended family lives in Brazil and speaks Portuguese. My mom's extended family lives throughout the east coast, and also Canada. We are separated by time, distance, and language. The internet has made things easier to handle. I now have a translation app on my phone that was free with the new iPhone update. I now know how to meet on zoom, kind of. I have never hosted my own call. I have reached some family members on facebook and connected that way. We have the ability to connect more now than we ever did. 

     Caleb and I have both done an ancestry.com report on ourselves. I wanted to know how much of my DNA is that of the native Brazilian population, because I am fascinated with native culture. I think the report says I have 3% indigenous northeastern Brazilian DNA. 

     I think it is awesome to see Brazilian family because we look alot alike. I do not have much connection with my Canadian family to be able to determine if we look alike too. It's fascinating to me. My dad's cousins remind me of my grandpa. It feels so good to have a family. I feel like most of my life I have not had a large family. I did not feel that connected to my dad for a long time because of his ways when I was growing up. I just wanted to be far from him. Sharon did not treat me like a family member, more like a servant girl. 

     Caleb just got up. The neighbor, Mark, across the street, gave him a hand saw. I don't know what the Hell he was thinking to give an 11 year old a hand saw to use without supervision. Anyway, Caleb has been cutting down small trees in the back yard, and ended up cutting his finger. Ugh! 

     Bella is up now too. Funny because I am about to go back to bed. LOL 

     Caleb on the other hand, looks nothing like me. He is slender and tall already at 11 years old. He has dark blonde straight hair and blue eyes. He does hair fair skin like me though, and freckles too. His teeth do not resemble mine. I guess he took more after his father. 

     I have dark brown curly hair, fair skin and freckles, dimples on both sides of my smile, and hazel eyes. I have to wear glasses, and have worn glasses since high school. Here . Check it out. 

     Anyway, he is a handsome young man.

     It is now 5:05 a.m. here. I should probably go back to bed. I have alot I want to do today. I need to take my iron pill. Can't forget to do that. 

  

5 Year Journal Day 181

      Today's prompt is " What are the top songs on your "recently played" list?" I don't have a recently played list because I don't listen to my music as often as I use to. I use to have to listen to music to everything I did all day long, I was listening and singing and dancing. Not anymore. I think it's the depression. I have to be feeling a certain kind of way. That, plus I just don't feel the music that I hear on the radio anymore. I don't get alot of it. I'm older and don't follow the trends. I don't like alot of stuff considered "popular." One song I listen to on the radio though, is the Chris Cornell version of the Guns 'N' Roses' song "Patience."

     It is now 1:35 a.m. here. I have struggled to get back to sleep since waking up more than an hour ago. I don't know why I can't sleep. I got tired of trying, so I got up. Yesterday I had my psychiatrist appointment. I asked if there was anything that could be done about my medications because I am feeling more depressed being at home, and dealing with the things I am dealing with. Unfortunately, I am already on the maximum dose of my anti-depressant, and the only other augmenting medication that I could try would cause weight gain. Sooo.... I'm shit out of luck. 

     Caleb and I went to Wilmington to bring Billy some food. I packed a small box of canned items I got from the food distribution last month that we still had. He also got some brown rice and pasta, as well as cereal. He doesn't normally eat much so I think what I gave him will last more than a week. 

     I then took Caleb to Chinese Buffet for a meal. Although we went last week, we don't normally get the chance to go. It's a real treat. 

     On the way out of the parking lot there stood a man with a sign at the traffic light. I had Caleb hand me a gatorade from the trunk and I opened the passenger window and handed it to him. I said , "It's not much, but it's all I have." He said, " Are you kidding ? I'll take gatorade any day!" I told him to stay safe. He gave us his thanks and his blessings.

     I use to drive my Volvo before I got the Mazda. I use to live in Wilmington when I was going to UNCW to complete my degree. I was there for a few years. I almost always had bottled water and gatorade in my car, as well as some type of snack. Whenever I ran into somebody I could help, I would give them drinks and food. I wasn't rich, even back then. Hell, I was a single parent and a college student! I just care. One man was living under a bridge. I brought him a bag of groceries that I would have otherwise thrown out because I was changing our diet at the time to be gluten free. I brought him a pocket sized Bible , a spoon, and a can opener too. He was not very inviting, but I knew I was doing the right thing. He must have gotten back on his feet, because the next thing I knew he was gone. 

     I use to try to buy the coats after the holidays were over from Walmart when they are marked down. I would donate them to Caleb's elementary school for the less privileged children. Again, I'm not rich by any means. I just care. Besides who could pass up a deal like that? 

     I took Travis in to my home, a disabled veteran, and cared for him. He would drive wherever I needed to go. I had just had my first seizure so I was prohibited from driving for 6 months. He did not have a high VA rating for his disabilities, so I helped him file his claim and get 100%. 

     At one time I had alot of bedding that I was never going to use. I think most of it was donated to me. I ended up giving it to my church at the time to help families. 

     We take our clothes and items that cause clutter to the Goodwill when we do not have somebody to give them to. I recently gave one of Caleb's friends alot of good clothes that he quickly outgrew. 

     Right now it sucks because we are on the receiving end of donations, and I would rather be on the giving end. 

     I took my dad and Sharon into my home when they were living in a single room in an extended stay hotel. They were on the verge of getting kicked out. They had amassed so much junk in that tiny room that you could hardly get to the bed. The walls were lined with shelving that they had totes of their junk in. From floor to ceiling , just junk. I tried my best to work with my dad to get his VA claim submitted properly so he could increase his VA rating. 

     I took Christinia and her daughter in when she was trying to flee an abusive partner. I filed her VA claim for her and her Social Security claim too. We got her on food stamps and Medicaid for them both. We worked together to make sure she would get child support. 

     When Billy was going a through a hard time with his mental health, I helped him file for Social Security Disability. 

     Maybe I should have been a social worker? What do you think Aunt Lisa? 

     I took my dad and Sharon in when they were cramped up in a tiny apartment with one of my dad's friends in Florida. Did I need help? Yes I did, but that does not refute the fact that they needed rescuing. 

     I might call myself a Witch now, but that does not mean I do not take what Jesus said to heart. Love your neighbor as yourself. 

     Another good thing to live by is "Don't cast stones when living in a glass house." 

     I gave Nichole everything I could. She has a practically brand new digital sewing machine. She has a practically brand new digital camera that she does not even know where it is, but cost me several hundred dollars. I gave her all my clothes from sizes 16 to 8 that I figured she would more than likely use sooner than I would, including name brands from Macy's that were professional wear items like suits. I gave her my shoes that I knew I would not be using once I became disabled. I gave her alot of expensive jewelry that I knew I would not be wearing if I was staying home. 

     That's just the stuff I remember. I have given more than the average person. I care. I care alot. 

     So now that I am the one on food stamps, Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security disability, and VA disability... Actually, you know what? I was on all those programs when I gave, except maybe food stamps. So how about that? 

     Meanwhile I'm trying to find a way to create income from home that is within regulations. I was trying to take classes and prepare to even go back to work. I was taking the Peer Support Specialist certification classes when Christinia had a meltdown and we found out that Mathew was being deployed. I wanted to be able to work with veterans at the VA. 

     I took a life coaching certification course, and completed it. I just do not feel it is my calling. I tried to start a credit repair business, but saw that it was not going to work for me. At one time I was in the jewelry selling business. Before that I was selling Avon. 

     I am homeschooling now, so I really don't have time for much else. It is hard enough to get my chores and grocery shopping done. I want to start walking on the incline trainer and focusing on my physical health now that I have conquered most of my pain, and my mental health is doing ok. I can not seem to stop overeating. I do not know why. I am just not in control right now. I am not taking my supplements to control my appetite. I need to be trying to do that. 

     Today Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment. Other than that, I do not have anything planned. There is alot of stuff I need to do though. I just work better when I don't have the large list running through my head all day, berating me for not getting it all done in one day. 

     Caleb has been needing more sleep lately. I have noticed that he sleeps later than usual this week. His mood seems to be ok. I think he might have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I do to some degree too. 

     I have 2 pen pals now. I need to write one back and write the other one for the first time. Should be pretty cool. I haven't had a pen pal since maybe high school. I met a boy at the Young Life camp I went to one summer in Colorado. He lived in Georgia. We wrote to each other after camp for awhile. I guess neither one of us felt like we belonged there. 

     One pen pal is a veteran, and one pen pal is a witch. They are both women. I have to find the time to write them decent letters. It's so much easier to send an email. LOL 

     Bella is laying by my feet under the table. Caleb fell asleep con the incline trainer under a pile of blankets. 

     It is now 2:44 a.m. and I am wide awake. Maybe I should get to writing those letters?! 

5 Year Journal Day 180

      Today's prompt is "If your mood were a weather forecast, you'd be ____." I am mostly sunny with clouds, and a cool breeze.

     It is now 9:14 a.m. here on Wednesday morning. Yesterday was a busy day. I woke up early and wrote my blog, paid the bills, and watched one of Ethony's videos. I went back to bed for a little while. When I got up, we went to pay the water bill, put gas in the Mazda, buy hygiene items from Walmart, pick up Caleb's medication from CVS, and buy the leave-in conditioner I wanted from Great Clips. I also was able to buy 2 books from amazon. A little later, we went to Food Lion where I found ready to eat pies! I bought a few other groceries too.

     I also made some calls about the bill from my Emergency room visit in September that the VA informed me that they did not pay. I handled that with alot of grace, and am proud to have fixed the problem. I did one hour of gentle mindfulness yoga in the morning. 

     I did not make it to the incline trainer trainer yesterday, but that's not because I didn't want to. I was just really busy all day long. I ended up cleaning out the refrigerator of the fresh veggies I bought. Some had gone bad, and the others I made a big salad with for dinner. 

     Today I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I am also going to deliver some food to an old friend of mine who has very little this week. I will give him the stuff we have not eaten yet from the past food distributions that we have gone to. You never know when you might be the person to help someone else out. 

     Other than that, I hope to get some cleaning done today, but I don't know if I will because the food delivery is in Wilmington and that normally wears me out to drive that far. 

     Caleb is still asleep so I have peace and quiet right now. It is sunny but chilly, just the way I like it. 

     I think I will probably make some sandwiches for brunch. 

     Tomorrow Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment. Friday I was going to bake pies, but I don't need to bake anymore. This week is going by pretty fast. 

     I spoke too soon, and Caleb just woke up. LOL

     I hope my Aunt Lisa is ok. I have not heard from this week. I know she is struggling with being behind in work because last week she was overwhelmed by the things needing to be done for mourning her father, my grandpa. 

     I am trying to catch up on things that need to be done too. 

     Well, I should probably get to work. Time is moving quickly this morning.  

5 Year Journal Day 179

     Today's prompt is "When was the last time you ate pizza? What kind?" Ok who narc'd on me? LOL I had a slice of Caleb's Domino's pepperoni and extra cheese pizza last week. 

     It is now 2:44 a.m. here. Yesterday was a weird day. Caleb slept until about 1:30 p.m., so I had the whole morning to myself. I didn't do much. Caleb stayed awake all night the night before last, so I just let him sleep. I ran out to the grocery store to buy some bread to make sandwiches for breakfast. After eating, I loaded the dishwasher completely and ran it. I had some time to meditate and came up with my daily devotional script. 

     Later on in the afternoon, I had some motivation by Craig, my ex-boyfriend, to try to walk for 5 minutes. I told him I could do 30 minutes, but I just couldn't walk as fast as I use to. This is the incline trainer screen below. He chatted with me while I walked and kept me company.

      When I finished walking, my legs were like jello. I had to slowly and carefully make my way back to my chair. I think I tried to force myself to walk too fast. I have to learn to breathe again. I also have to find my stride. Even with the lift in my shoe, I still walk with a limp. I'll take this as a diagnostic test. Next time I will change my goal to walking 1 mile at a slower pace. 

      I got bored at some point and began going through apps on my phone. I wondered if Caleb had any new relatives show on his Ancestry DNA results. He didn't, but apparently they updated their DNA profiles in August 2020. I think this is cool!

     Caleb is awake and talkative. I can't think with him interrupting me every few minutes. I wanted to get laundry done, but I never made it back to the laundry room. I did however, light some sage, some incense, and a candle. I saged the house and opened the front and back door to air it out. 

     Caleb and I took care of the house plants. We took 2 of them outside to get some sunlight, and watered them. We took some potting soil and added in to the pot with the older plant. We also used the potting soil around the gardenias in the yard. 

     I put the rest of the stew beef chili in single serving freezer bags and in the freezer for later. 

     

     We had spaghetti with the sauce that I put in the freezer a while back for dinner. 

     It was just a slow paced day. 

     I began writing some positive affirmations for myself. I want to get healthy again. I don't want to rush into a fibromyalgia flare up. 

     Today I have Yoga. I will probably walk a mile in between 3 and 4. I also have to pay bills today, and that takes the energy out of me. It's alot of brain work and planning. 

     I am usually tired when I write my blog. Unfortunately it is the only time I really have to myself when it is quiet though. I just try to report the things that have happened throughout the day, and maybe some things I have been thinking about. One day, I will look back and think about these things again. One day I will be dead and this is all that will be left of me. 

     Something, to me, is better than nothing. I might not be able to give my best writing every day, but I try. Writing daily is not something that is easy to do. It takes discipline. I have kept a journal nearly my entire life. My Aunt Lisa was the first person to give me a diary. I was maybe 7 years old. 

     I was having trouble with my CPAP, and that's what woke me up. I couldn't breathe. I was not getting enough air flow in my mask. 

     I have still not changed out my old diabetic shoes for my new ones. Change is hard. 

     I was nearly falling off the bed. Bella was too close to the edge and left me very little room. Caleb was next to her. The 3 amigos fell asleep together.

     So, yesterday was Monday, and today, is Tuesday. I am trying to get back to a new normal. It's not easy. I was pretty shaken up by my grandpa's death. 

     Caleb was playing a game called "Mass Effect" on his Xbox, and it came to an end yesterday. Everybody on the game died, and Caleb wanted to cry. 

     It's nice and cool outside right now. Caleb just opened the front door and a cool breeze entered the house. It feels really good to me. 

     I need to find a motivation inside of me to keep trying to walk everyday. Even if it is slow walking, any walking is better than no walking. It gets hard to move inside the house. I get depressed I guess from being home all the time. It's refreshing to go to the store for groceries or go out and get gas. My pain levels have been better lately. I have been doing well on the supplements I take in addition to my regular medications. 

     I don't understand why the food I eat does not make me feel energetic. Isn't the point of eating to be to give the body energy? I think my depression has something to do with that.

     Maybe I need to adjust my depression medications to deal with the quarantine. I think I will talk to my psychiatrist about it. 

     This is the kind of night that I would love to sleep outside. It's nice and chilly. The best sleeping bag weather. 

     It's really a fight to get anything done. I have a war to fight within myself to get moving. Some days I win, some days I lose. It did not use to be this hard. I'm only 37 years old. I just don't feel like I should be feeling this way everyday. 

     I weighed in yesterday morning. I continue to gain weight. I'm out of control. I don't know how to stop. Last week was hard. This week I am trying to do better. On top of everything else, Caleb tries to feed me more. He makes food, and then doesn't want to eat it for one reason or another, and brings it to me to eat. Most of the time I can say no, but not all of the time.  

     I guess I will find something to do or go to bed. 
  

5 Year Journal Day 178

      Today's prompt is "What's your biggest indulgence?" Right now it is carbohydrates, mostly this freshly made Italian 5 grain bread. 

     It is now 3:36 a.m. here. It is quiet, and Caleb is asleep. He did not sleep at all last night because he did not take his night time medication. He told me he did, but he didn't. He woke me up every few hours throughout the night. He was hyper AF. It turned out to be rainy day yesterday. I could feel it on my bones. My body ached from head to toe. I felt like doing alot of nothing. I wanted to stay in bed. At the same time I wanted to catch up on my chores. It sucks. I ended up doing nothing.

     Caleb and I went to the Dollar Tree to see what was available. Caleb wanted a bag of candy, and I bought him one. Later, we both tried Cry Baby's extra sour gum. It ruined my sour taste receptors on my tongue. 

     I went to Walmart to grab some ginger root. I bought enough to last at least a week. It was alot of ginger root, because I use so much in my cooking now. I also bought more rosemary, some thyme, and some bay leaves. Of course I needed more minced garlic so I wouldn't run out. 

     I ate leftover stew beef chili and it was awesome tasting. After eating it, I thought about calling Fernando, my grandpa. It hurt because I can't. He is dead. 

     My mom text me being concerned that I was calling myself a witch. 

     Well, I am a witch. I am a Wiccan based, Christian, eclectic, modern, witch. I am following the moon cycles, and will be celebrating the change of seasons, as well as the harvests. I choose to work with the Divine Spirit, some people may call "the Holy Spirit." I still talk with Jesus. 

     I don't go to church. 

     I am not Wiccan. 

     I am not a Devil/Satan/Lucifer worshipper. 

     I do not do dark magic, which means that I do not do magic to harm anyone. 

     My magic is solely based on my wants and needs and is driven by my imagination, visualization, meditations, and incantations. My spells are no different than Christian prayers. I just do not refer to Divine Spirit as God. I use positive affirmations. 

     I am going to learn healing arts. I am going to learn how to use herbs and spices to heal myself and others. I have been using herbs and spices already in my cooking, but I want to know more. I use herbs and spices in my homeopathic remedies I buy from Swanson Vitamins too. 

     I am going to learn how crystals change affect energy. 

     I am already doing gentle mindfulness Yoga. 

     I want to learn more about healing and clearing chakras, which are energy centers along the body. 

     I want to heal emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I want to heal physically too. 

     I am learning for myself first, but I would like to be able to help others heal too. 

     I have written before, and I will write it again. I use candles, incense, and sage. I use essential oils, and salts. I use crystals, and plants. I use lotions and creams. I use herbs and spices. I use photos. I use blessings. I use visualizations, and meditations, as well as action to manifest my desires. I use an oracle deck from time to time. I use a journal. I am taking classes. 

     None of this is new. I did not change who I am. I was already doing these things when I joined a group and found people who were doing similar things. 

     Now I feel less odd and more comfortable because I know what I am and how I can learn more to get better at what I was already doing. 

     I am a witch. I will be practicing Energy Medicine based on quantum physics. I will also be practicing mental health with classes I was already enrolled in like Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Neuro-Linguistic programming. 

     I do things that honor the highest good.

     That's the kind of witch I am.

     The only difference between me now and a month ago, is then I was alone in my practice. Now I don't have to be alone, and I can learn more from people who have been doing these things for decades. 

     I heard from my ex-boyfriend from years ago, back when I was in Korea. The thought of him makes me smile. He is finishing up his term as a Drill Sergeant at Ft. Benning, if I remember correctly. It's a comfort that somebody from those days still thinks of me. I meant something to someone. We have kept in touch loosely all these years. I think, even though we didn't get married, we will end up growing old together as friends. 

     I don't have any plans for today. My schedule is clear. Hopefully I will get some of my chores done. I never did get my laundry washed. It's piling up. 

     We are celebrating Thanksgiving early because Donna's kids are spending their holiday with their mother. We are going to have a dinner on Saturday. I will not be able to clear enough room in the freezer before then, so I have resolved to just buy the pies on Friday, and bake them then. 

     I have Yoga on Tuesday, and I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Caleb has occupational therapy on Thursday, and I bake pies on Friday. I have a busy week ahead.