Today's prompt is " Did you exercise today?" Not with the intention of exercising, but yes, I count what I do when grocery shopping as exercise. It's a lot of walking around, and lifting things over and over and over again. Oh Wait! I did Yoga today! Yes, yes I did exercise today. LOL
It is now 4:04 a.m. and I am awake because I keep waking up coughing. My throat itches. Yesterday was a busy and productive day. I woke up around 5:30 and stayed awake all day long. I wrote my blog, and watched an educational video before Caleb woke up. It wasn't long before he woke up though. Then it came time to give everybody their morning medications and eat breakfast. Caleb was in charge of making breakfast, and we ate frozen egg rolls that he heated up in the oven. I had my yoga group at 10:30 online. That lasts an hour. Then I made a couple of sandwiches for lunch, reloaded the dishwasher and handwashed some dishes in order to be able to make dinner in the crockpot. I was making a whole chicken, spinach, curly kale, onions, black beans, and seasoning. It turned out pretty good too. Once I got the dishwasher going and dinner cooking in the crockpot, we went out to Walmart to get some groceries. On the way to Walmart, I had to add air to all my tires. They were all just a hair flat. At Walmart, I bought more than I expected, and did not find what I was looking for. On the way back home, I stopped to pick up Caleb's meds from the CVS. Since I did not find what I was looking for at Walmart, I decided to try Food Lion. On the way to Food Lion, I stopped by the post office to drop off a letter to my pen pal. Once at Food Lion, I found what I was looking for! It was just awesomeness. Once home, I felt like I was done for the day. I put away the groceries, and stirred the crockpot to make sure the seasoning reached everything.
Today I have my first appointment with the therapist taking Rhonda's place at the VA Mental Health Clinic. I also have an appointment with my dietician at the VA to figure out how to manage all my diet and take into consideration all my dietary deficits and needs, while creating a caloric deficit. Caleb is going to a youth group at church with a friend of his tonight. Depending on how awake I am, I might go to an online meeting tonight, but I'm pretty sure I will be too tired to go.
Yesterday was election day, November 3. I did my best to not worry about the outcome. There is not one thing I can do about it, since I had already voted. I went about my day as usual for the most part. I mean I was busier than what I consider normal, but I guess I just had alot I had to do.
I will be happy to not have all these calls labeled "scam likely" calling me anymore. I'm tired of the voting texts, ads, etc.
Today I also have to go and pickup my carpet cleaner solution from Lowe's Home Improvement. I got the carpet cleaning machine delivered yesterday! Woop! Woop! Going to be able to get the funky smells out of my carpet now! I know they have to smell bad, but I am nose blind to it.
Today I am also going to work on getting some laundry done, and picking up trash in between appointments. I got most of the dishes washed yesterday. I just need Caleb to put the dishes away, so I have place in the dish strainer to dry the rest of the dishes. I want to keep it simple and not try to do too much, so that's all I am putting on my list.
This month I want Caleb to journal every day about things that he is grateful for. I want him to think of one thing a day he is grateful for , and tell me why he is grateful for that thing, person, or place.
Guess I got a little sidetracked there. I ended up going shopping on etsy, LOL.
You know what? I still haven't driven the Volvo. I am going to have to charge the battery and drive it today when I go to pick up my stuff from Lowe's. Things just happen and I have to move quickly, or I get sidetracked, or forget. You wouldn't think I had so much to do all the time, but I really do. It's weird because we are not even physically going to my appointments right now. Damn, if I can't get stuff done now, I damned sure couldn't get it done if I had to drive for hours to get to my appointments! Shit!
I would like to have my house the way I want it by Thanksgiving. I would like to be able to enjoy being in my home this winter. I am already thinking about how I am going to pay to have this extra junk removed from my property. Clear the clutter! I have a broken recliner in my living room taking alot of space. I can't wait to get rid of that thing. I hope to get rid of it soon so I will have space to put up the Christmas tree. I have a china cabinet that is in the dining area that needs to go so I can move one of my new bookcases there. I was using the china cabinet as a bookcase because I don't have china! I have tons of books though! You know what? I actually got rid of alot of my books when I was doing a deep clean last year, and even before that. I collect books and outgrow them before I get a chance to read them. I get books that are self-help books, spiritual books, some are given or donated to me... I got rid of my college textbooks a long time ago. I was collecting them too. I only kept the ones I couldn't sell back to the university bookstore, or ones that I thought would be useful in the future. I love books though. There is something about reading a book that is magical. I don't own much fiction. I have been tracking down self-help, parenting, and spiritual books for years now. I haven't had much time to read though. When I did have time to read, I was too depressed to read. Caleb was in school, and while he was in school, I was either at doctor appointments or sleeping. I was not living the life I wanted to live. I was alone and had no one to talk to. I could not work. I was done with school. I did not have the motivation to find help or friends or reach out in any kind of way. I did not trust anyone. I did not want to be around anyone. I wanted to be alone. It was safer that way.
I had to walk around in shame of my mental health diagnosis for years, like it was my fault or something. I did not want people to know, but I did not want to keep it to myself because it was causing me such grief. I was in a dark place. I was ashamed for gaining weight too. I didn't do that purposefully, I just wasn't sleeping well and was tired all the time. The more I tried to sleep, the less sleep I actually got. It wasn't until I found out I had sleep apnea, that I could breathe at night, due to getting a CPAP.
I was carrying the guilt of having my child taken into emergency foster care. I couldn't shake that for years either. I had no good influences in my life. None. My dad and Sharon caused us trauma right from the point of moving in with me the first time after my hospitalization. They were telling people I had schizophrenia like it was everybody's business to know my mental health diagnosis. I do not have schizophrenia by the way. It was a huge disservice to both me and Caleb, because all of a sudden I had a mark on my person that everybody wanted to avoid like it was contagious. My mental health is my business. It's between me and my doctors, that's why HIPAA exists. You would think a nurse with a master's degree in nursing would act like she learned that on day one- Sharon Bauchat!
I am in a much better state now. I can easily discuss that I have PTSD and major depression with schizoaffective disorder. That's the closest description my psychiatrist could come up with to describe that I was sensing things that were not there. It happened once over a short period of time, before I got the help I apparently needed, that I was having a psychotic break, a mental breakdown, a nervous breakdown... however you want to say it. I was hallucinating.
In the 7 years since, it has not happened again. I was not on drugs. I was not drinking much. I would have a glass of wine at night to settle my nerves so I could get some rest. I did not know I had sleep apnea at the time. I have been sleep deprived for years because of constantly waking in my sleep being unable to breathe. I was waiting for my first appointment in the Mental Health Clinic at the VA when the breakdown occurred. I had been without anti-depressants for years by that time, because I did not have health insurance to cover the cost of seeing a doctor or paying for the medications. I was diagnosed with depression when I was stationed in Korea, before Caleb was born. I was taking medications then. I took medications for a few months after I left the Army because I had enough supply to last that long, but that was it.
When I moved back to the US, I did not live close to a VA hospital or clinic. It was not until I moved to Wilmington that being seen at a VA clinic was even possible. I had to wait to get in to see a PCP to get referred to the mental health clinic. I did that much. I was one day away from my mental health appointment at the VA when Mathew called the police to do a welfare check on me. One FUCKING DAY! SMDH.
I am no doctor, but I am sure that my inability to get a full night's sleep for years, plus depression caused my symptoms. That plus one more thing. I was using thermogenics for many months prior to the breakdown. I quit using them once I reached a healthy weight.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Now, because I question both his and his wife's political affiliation and beliefs, he wants nothing to do with me.
We never discussed how he changed my life forever. We never discussed how he changed Caleb's life forever. I don't think he cares.
I picked Caleb up for visitation from foster care and his hair was so fucking long he could hardly see through it. I took him to get a hair cut, and the stylist quietly informed me that she could not cut his hair because he had lice! LICE! What the ever-loving FUCK ?!
His fingernails were so long and filthy. I cut them for him. I had to buy an electric trimmer to shave Caleb's entire head, to clear him of the lice.
I was buying Caleb new clothes, but he never wore them to come see me. He was always wearing clothes that were old and used, and not fitting properly.
They took him out of the daycare he had been at since he was 3, where he knew everybody, and put him in a dirtier, less quality type of place.
It broke my heart to be separated from my son. I cried daily for hours. When I wasn't crying, I was sleeping because I was exhausted from crying.
When family members were being called to rescue Caleb from the situation, Mathew did not step up. He caused the whole situation, and let us go through Hell.
It took me a little less than a full year to regain custody of my son. The sacrifices I had to make to get him back were ridiculous! I had to have a family member reside with me. I was forced to live with my dad and Sharon because they are a package deal.
It wasn't long after Caleb came back home to me, that my dad and Sharon became abusive towards him. SO then, I had to get them out of my Fucking apartment!
What the Fuck kind of family do I belong to?! Who the Fuck does this kind of shit?!
Even today I have a hard time believing what they put me through.
I'm still hurting inside from the shit that has happened in 2013 and since then.
Let's not forget my mom, who apparently could not rescue Caleb from emergency foster care because her household was labelled "unsafe."
It is now 6:37 a.m. and the birds are chirping. It is light outside now. Caleb will probably be waking up soon.
Caleb was only 4 at the time that he was taken away from me. Mathew made a call that forever changed our lives, and he made no effort to help once he put things in motion. He made a call knowing that I had an appointment scheduled for the next day with the mental health clinic at the VA. I don't know that I can forgive him.
If it was a true emergency. he should have taken emergency leave to make sure that Caleb was cared for by family, and not placed in foster care.
I don't know what he thinks of us to think that we deserved to be treated like that. It's fucked up.
I am grateful to have my son in my custody. It took alot of hard work, court dates, and hoop jumping to make it happen, but I made it happen. I swear I will never let that happen again. It could never happen again because Caleb is 11 now, and able to speak for himself. He will never be 4 again. I lost a whole year of my baby's life. Thanks alot MATHEW.
ASShole.
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