Today's prompt is "What is the last movie you saw in a theater?" It was a movie that was sponsored for the elementary school children to watch starring Julia Roberts about a child with special needs.
It is now 1:53 a.m. here and I am having trouble sleeping with my CPAP. I can't breathe without it though. I don't know. I am exhausted from this week. I am exhausted from yesterday. Yesterday I did not want to go anywhere, but discovered that I made a mistake when balancing my checkbook. That meant I could not wait to return the boots I bought for Caleb from Kohl's , and that I needed to return them right away. The nearest Kohl's is all the way in Wilmington, so that's an hour driving there, and another hour driving back. Since we were there anyway, I wanted to stop at Outback and grab a free bloomin' onion. Caleb did not want to go to Outback. He wanted to go to the Hibachi Supreme Chinese Buffet restaurant.
Billy asked me to get his mail out of his mailbox for him, and to bring it to him the next time I came to Wilmington, so I did. He does not have a car. He wanted to go out to eat with us and run our errands with us, so I let him. We went to Kohl's first, then to the Chinese buffet restaurant. I ate waaaaay too much food. I knew I was not going to cook dinner, and did not want to be hungry. Afterwards, I took Billy to pick up his check, and went to deposit it at the bank, but we had forgotten that it was a bank holiday. I took him to run in to the grocery store real quick and then brought him back home before leaving to go back home. It was raining hard on the way into Wilmington and had gotten dark all of sudden. I could not see very well, so I was driving pretty slowly. On the way to bring Billy his mail, I turned into the wrong lane and there was an on-coming car. I really had no idea, but was able to self-correct quickly.
When I got home, I was exhausted from all the running around we did and the weather didn't help either. I did not bring my supplements with me to take at noon, so my body was hurting pretty badly by the time I got home.
I was scheduled to go to the Brazilian family and friends' service for my grandpa online at 5:30 p.m. I was sooo tired and exhausted. I just wanted to crash in bed and not get up, but I did. I got up because I knew how important it was to be there. I saw my dad's tia Rosaly, her son Wagner, and her son Erick, my cousins Max and Mariel were there, along with my uncle Andy, and uncle Marc. I kind of saw Antonio Carlos' wife, but she had a mask on. There were others there too. Of course it was in Portuguese and I could not make out most of it because they speak so fast. I was able to stay for a little more than an hour, and then I had to excuse myself because I was in pain and needed to go lay down. I had spent most of the day sitting down, and it was hurting.
One of the first things I did in the morning was to go get my free Veterans Day haircut at Great Clips. My stylist was the same person who cut Caleb's hair, and happened to be a woman Navy Veteran! I am very happy with the job she did. She used leave-in conditioner on my hair to comb it out to cut it, instead of just using water. It smelled really good, and made the curls live again!
I contacted Wagner to call Sharon to let my dad know about the zoom call. It took him all day to reach him because Sharon was not answering the damned phone. My dad did not end up attending the meeting because he did not know how to use zoom, and is practically blind now.
I can't say that I wasn't disappointed that he did not show up.
Of course Mathew did not show up to either zoom meeting either, but that is no surprise.
I called my mom, Granny, and Pepere and let them know that it meant alot to me that they called in on Tuesday night's zoom meeting. It really was a comfort to have them there.
Caleb fell asleep on my bed with me again. He was watching something scary on his phone and got scared to be alone.
Bella has been like coughing or something through the night. I do not know what is going on there. I might need to get help, but I don't have any money to pay a vet.
I have not been doing any studying because I have been unmotivated and tired. I completed the introductory videos, and now it's time to move on to more of the month 1 stuff.
I still have not done the ritual I wanted to do with Caleb, but I think we will get to it today. Today he has one appointment in the afternoon and that's it. We already got all our other errands done so that is the only reason we need to go anywhere.
I am planning on spending the morning in bed. I just need to relax and do nothing for a little while.
I am waiting on some things in the mail that I am going to return. I just decided that I don't need those things, and need the money more.
I know next week I have gentle mindfulness yoga on Tuesday, but I also have the food pick up on Tuesday morning. Last month we did not make it back home in time to keep the appointment. I don't know which I will choose this time. My freezer is full. My pantry is full. My cabinet is full. I think I can pass this month and still be ok. I hate to not get free food.
I do not know what else I have coming up next week. I don't have my phone with me at the moment.
The shiva was alot like what I plan to do with Caleb. It will be more meaningful to him to have a hands on service at home to pay our respects and say farewell. We will light a candle for grandpa, but we will also light a candle for grandma. We will light some sage and waft the smoke in the air around us and around the house. We will light some incense. At least one prayer will be said by me, and one prayer said by Caleb. We will hold hands and let our emotions flow together. The sage will burn until it goes out, and so will the incense. The candle will be put out when we feel it is time. The flowers will be offered to both grandma and grandpa at an altar that I will put together. I have printed some photos for us to remember them by. I also printed out a photo of the only time Caleb and I were with my dad, Sharon, Mathew, Nichole, and the kids. We will take the time to let go of them in our hearts as well. We might light a candle to release that energy from us. I would include Eric and Sherri and their families, but we have no photos of us all together and our relationships with them were not that strong to begin with.
I wanted to use special candles for the ritual, but I have not received them in the mail yet. Caleb and I cried hard for the idea that we will never see my dad again. It will ultimately be a relief to do something in our power to commemorate the losses we have suffered, one way or another.
Veterans Day week will never be the same, but maybe we will be able to recover before the rest of the holidays hit us. I hope we can enjoy the holidays, especially this year because it has been so hard on us.
We still have alot to be thankful for, and I plan on creating an altar and a ritual for us to perform for Thanksgiving and Christmas as well as the Wiccan holidays which are new to me, like Yule. Really it is just about respecting our place in the universe, maintaining control of the energy we send out, and living the best life we can.
At least we can be thankful that hurricane season is almost over, and the weather is cooling down. It is still 80 degrees here on a regular basis. I would like it to be colder. I like to be able to wear my cardigans and hoodies, leggings and jeans.
I confessed to Aunt Lisa what I did regarding getting information to my dad about my grandpa's services, and passing. I asked her to not be upset with me, because I know I should not have texted him nor Sharon. I was just trying to get the information to him. If my father died, I would want to know and be invited to grieve with the family. She was not upset with me, thank God.
I miss the better parts of my dad. Obviously I do not miss the abusive parts of our relationship. I need a dad. Doesn't everybody?
I sympathize over his loss of his eyesight. I wish I could help him, but I can't. I wish I could have made his life better, but apparently I didn't. He didn't make my life better either to be fair. It was good in the beginning, but as time went on, the little things began to add up, and I could not handle the stresses anymore. I am not cut out to be his care giver at all.
I need to focus my energies on getting myself healthy, and raising Caleb to be an outstanding young man. Those are my goals after all.
It is now 3:07 a.m. here. I can't believe how beautiful this rings reflects the light. Jack Storms is an amazing artist. I am so glad I was able to clean it.
I wanted to touch base with Rachel, so I text her "You are loved." She responded with love back. That is how relationships are supposed to be, full of love for one another.
I haven't been asked yet, but I want people to know that I don't plan on practicing dark or black magic. It's not how I roll. I am however, practicing energy manipulation, but that's about my own energy and what I allow in and put out. I am trying to meditate more which I should have been doing anyway because it is good to drop my high blood pressure. I am trying to visualize more which I should have been doing anyway because it is good to relieve stress. I am also trying to exercise more, which I should have been doing anyway because it relieves the effects of stress on my body.
I was already altering my mood and pain levels using scents from essential oils, candles, incense, and aromatherapy products like lotions and creams. I am now using salt in addition to all that.
Of course I am taking my medications. I am also taking supplements that help to relieve pains and hunger. Well, I don't know if the hunger relieving supplements work for me yet as I have not been taking them regularly enough to know.
I was already collecting crystals. I have Himalayan salt lamps and orgone pyramids around the house.
I already had a handmade wand made to my specifications.
I drink lots of water.
I try to eat a lot of green leafy vegetables regularly.
I was already collecting houseplants.
I already had a good relationship with my dog, Bella. She might be known as my familiar.
I have been trying for the longest time to clear my home spaces to reflect the mood I want to keep myself in, one without stress everywhere I go. I want to create a clear flow of positive energy throughout the house.
I was already collecting different kinds of physics books and religious texts. I have read some, and not others.
I've been searching for where I belong for so long, and it finally feels like I belong to where I want to be. It's a good feeling. I feel like not only am I welcome through their words, but also through their actions, and I feel comfortable with these people I share my time with. One of the best parts is that I don't have to believe in what "everybody" else believes. I have been instructed time and time again that I can take what resonates with me, and leave the rest. That's definitely for me! I don't care for dogma.
I want to learn more about herbs, crystals, and energy healing. I once took a course in Reiki, but I did not feel as if it was good enough. I want to take the free Reiki course with Reiki for Vets. If I can collect enough people to hold a class in Wilmington, they will travel here and give the classes. I can take level 1 for free, and level 2 at half cost. I need to be level 2 to be able to work for VA if I ever want to do that.
I am super excited about the future. I have not been this excited in a very long time.
It is getting late, and I should be going to bed now. Caleb will wake up with loads of energy and I will still be tired. I better take my iron pill.
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