Friday, November 20, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 182

     Today's prompt is "What can you live without right now?" I can live without this nasal congestion that is keeping me from breathing properly right now. That's for damn sure!

     It is now 3:05 a.m. here. Yesterday was a good day. I tidied up my work area by picking up the recycling that was overfilling in the trash can in my workspace. I took Caleb to his occupational therapy appointment. I found out by listening to the radio that the free Thanksgiving dinner offer I saw on Facebook was legit. Walmart is partnering with iBotta app a free Thanksgiving dinner offer, where specific items are listed for cash back on the app. I totally went to Walmart after Caleb's appointment and tried to fill the complete order. I was able to find everything except the frozen green beans which were out of stock. After making my purchases, I downloaded the app in the car. I had to figure out how to use it. I figured it out, and am waiting on my cash back which may take up to 48 hours, after which time I can withdraw the money to my bank account. I will be getting almost $17 back from my purchases. I am so happy about that.

     My mom called me while I was waiting on Caleb at his appointment. It was a happy call. Thank God! I made her laugh.   

     Caleb and I had Hardee's for lunch/dinner before his appointment. It was delicious as always. 

     I got one of my books I ordered from amazon in the mail. 

     I wrote my veteran pen pal a letter, now I just have to find an envelope and mail it. I still have to write my witch pen pal.

     Overall, it was a good day. I took a hot shower, and got to use my leave in conditioner. It smells so good and makes my hair curly without alot of weight. 

     Today I plan on getting some laundry done. I am running out of socks and underwear. I know Caleb is too. I have not been good about keeping up with the laundry. I am also going to get the kitchen cleaned up so I can cook dinner. If that's all I get done today, I will consider it another good day. Of course I would like to get some walking in too. 

     Caleb wants to paint my toe nails, so that might happen. He needs to cut his finger nails and so do I. Mine are getting too long for my comfort and are starting to break and become jagged.

     Bella needs a nail trim and file too. 

     I need to organize my workspace again. I've piles of papers that I need to file. I want to start moving my books from the china cabinet to the bookcase. 

     I already told Caleb what I would need him to do to help me clean up so he would know in advance what was expected of him. He has to take the kitchen trash out, the kitchen recycling out, empty the dishwasher, and empty the dish strainer for me. That way I can reload the dishwasher and hand wash the dishes that need it, and throw away trash and recycling as needed. 

     Saturday we are going to Donna's for early Thanksgiving dinner. I have to stop by Food Lion and pick up some vanilla ice cream and whip cream before heading to her house. I already have the pies and a special gift for hosting. 

     I think either December 2 or 3 the Town of Oak Island is doing their annual Santa Parade. I have to read the notice again because I don't remember how they are doing it this year. They always have Santa come to town, and I take Caleb for hot chocolate, cookies, a concert, and the tree lighting. Covid-19 has things going a little differently this year and we will not be able to gather like we did last year. It is unfortunate, but necessary. I still hope to take Caleb to see Santa and the parade and the tree lighting. It really sets the mood for the holiday. 

     I have some catching up to do on my classes. I have fallen behind since grandpa passed away. It is a self-paced thing so no worries. 

     Bella is curled up on my bed. Caleb is sleeping on the couch. He says he likes to sleep out in the living room because he feels like a guard. I understand that completely because I once felt the same way. Now I like to sleep in my bed though. It is much more comfortable for me and better for my body. I wake up with fewer aches and pains, and can sleep the way I need to sleep for my circulation and breathing. Besides, my CPAP and all my night time necessities aren't out in the living room creating clutter any more. I need to start using my eye ointment again and my mouth spray. They keep my eyes and mouth moisturized so I can sleep better, and not wake up in the middle of the night with dryness caused by my CPAP. 

     I let as many people know about the Walmart free Thanksgiving meal as I could. Hopefully I helped some people. I know I was not going to buy a Thanksgiving dinner this year, because for the amount of money spent on one meal, I could make 2 or 3. The only reason I will make a turkey dinner is because of this deal. Besides, who couldn't use free food about right right now?

     I recently thought to myself "I love me." It was quite the realization, because there have been many years when I could not say or think this thought honestly. I hated myself for one reason or another. There were even some times when I just wanted to die. There were times when I thought life wasn't worth living. So this thought happening naturally and unprompted by anyone or anything, and being honest was miraculous to say the least. I think I will make it my new mantra. I will do my yoga because I love me. I will eat better because I love me. I will take my medications because I love me. You get the point. Every time I do something good, I will think "I love me." I love me right now, as I am. Not who I want to be some day, but right now, imperfections and all. 

     I also thought "I love Bella. She is a reflection of the love I have for myself."  "I love Caleb. He is a reflection of the love I have for myself." You see it is so easy for me to love others. It is not easy for me to love myself. I know all the dirty little secrets. I have skeletons in my closet. I have done things that I regret. Sure, I can ask Jesus for forgiveness, and he will give it, but have I forgiven myself ? Ummm...Nope.  

     I can not easily see myself by myself. I can easier see myself through my relationships with others. Both Bella and Caleb are generally happy with me. They are cared for and loved no matter what. I should feel the same way about myself. I should care for myself and love myself no matter what. After all, I have been with me my entire life. I am the one who has the last say. When I go to sleep at night, it is my thoughts that I live with. 

     It broke my spirit to hear the things that were said about me by my dad and Sharon as they were leaving my home. It hurt to read the text messages Christinia sent me after she left my house. It hurt to have a fall out with Mathew and Nichole. It hurt to be blocked by Sherri. It hurt to have not have contact with Eric. It hurt when my grandma died and my grandpa died. Through all these things in the last 12 months or so, I have been left standing alone. I thought I would crumble, and I did emotionally fall down, but in the end it was also me who picked me back up. 

     I can talk to my Aunt Lisa or my mom all day and not feel resolved. I still feel lost and depressed. It is my thinking and my emotions that I have to deal with alone. They can offer support but they can not reach the depths of my sorrows to fix me. I have to fix myself. I have to heal. I have to find my own way through the darkness. I am blessed they can offer their floodlights, but unfortunately they do not always reach the monsters I face. 

     Through it all, I never forgot about Jesus. Jesus is my light in the absolute darkness. He has gotten me through all the bad times in my life when I had no support and no where to run to. I was cornered and I faced all kinds of things. He is the reason I can still love complete strangers. I don't do it because of what might happen to me when I die. I do it because it feels right in my heart. It helps to heal the scarring that has amassed in my spiritual body. 

     People in my life don't live the way I do. I can not expect me from them. Even before I knew it was a thing, I decided I would "do no harm." 

     Of all people, I thought Mathew would be my closest ally because we grew up in the same household and have a common history. I was wrong. I see now that I can not expect anything from him. We were treated very differently growing up. I have been in therapy since 2013. He has not been in therapy at all. I have tried to connect with spiritual leaders, churches, and support groups. I don't think he has tried at all. I am actively working on my healing. He is not. He is avoiding everybody who has a connection to him. I am trying to make connections with people regardless of how much the past may have hurt me. 

     There is something inside of me that tells me that family is important. The world is a big place and you should be able to count your family. As an adult, I wanted to believe this. I did not feel this as a child. 

     I need all the support I can get. I want people to know who I am and how I feel about things. I will not be that quiet little girl anymore. I have grown alot since then and overcome a great number of challenges. 

     I see my dad and my brother as people needing help processing their emotional baggage and healing. I don't know Eric and Sherri enough to know what their problems might be. I just feel we are stronger together than apart. 

     If I have learned nothing else in the past 12 months, it is this: I love myself, and I don't need you to love me.

     I am reminded of the song we sang at my DARE graduation. It was "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston. "The greatest love of all... is easy to achieve. Learning to love yourself... is the greatest.. love of all." I was in elementary school when we sang that song. I would sing it in the shower to practice. 

     I feel that learning to love myself means learning to love all of me, including where I come from and my personal history. It means accepting that my parents are human too, and make mistakes along the way. It means learning that my family history may have dark spots and is not always something to be proud about. It also means that I should be proud of what we have achieved as a family and overcome. I feel I am more than just myself at all times. I am a person who is responding to generational curses who will impact the future in ways I can not yet imagine. 

     As of a matter of fact, one of the reasons I document my life is because I know it will be meaningful at some point in the future. Just because I am not famous, does not mean that my contributions are not valuable. I wish I had something to read of my ancestors. I think that would be pretty cool to know more about them in a personal way. 

     My family is so separated for a variety of reasons. My dad's extended family lives in Brazil and speaks Portuguese. My mom's extended family lives throughout the east coast, and also Canada. We are separated by time, distance, and language. The internet has made things easier to handle. I now have a translation app on my phone that was free with the new iPhone update. I now know how to meet on zoom, kind of. I have never hosted my own call. I have reached some family members on facebook and connected that way. We have the ability to connect more now than we ever did. 

     Caleb and I have both done an ancestry.com report on ourselves. I wanted to know how much of my DNA is that of the native Brazilian population, because I am fascinated with native culture. I think the report says I have 3% indigenous northeastern Brazilian DNA. 

     I think it is awesome to see Brazilian family because we look alot alike. I do not have much connection with my Canadian family to be able to determine if we look alike too. It's fascinating to me. My dad's cousins remind me of my grandpa. It feels so good to have a family. I feel like most of my life I have not had a large family. I did not feel that connected to my dad for a long time because of his ways when I was growing up. I just wanted to be far from him. Sharon did not treat me like a family member, more like a servant girl. 

     Caleb just got up. The neighbor, Mark, across the street, gave him a hand saw. I don't know what the Hell he was thinking to give an 11 year old a hand saw to use without supervision. Anyway, Caleb has been cutting down small trees in the back yard, and ended up cutting his finger. Ugh! 

     Bella is up now too. Funny because I am about to go back to bed. LOL 

     Caleb on the other hand, looks nothing like me. He is slender and tall already at 11 years old. He has dark blonde straight hair and blue eyes. He does hair fair skin like me though, and freckles too. His teeth do not resemble mine. I guess he took more after his father. 

     I have dark brown curly hair, fair skin and freckles, dimples on both sides of my smile, and hazel eyes. I have to wear glasses, and have worn glasses since high school. Here . Check it out. 


     Anyway, he is a handsome young man.

     It is now 5:05 a.m. here. I should probably go back to bed. I have alot I want to do today. I need to take my iron pill. Can't forget to do that. 

  

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