Monday, November 9, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 171

     Today's prompt is "What is the last personal letter you received?" I don't remember ever getting a personal letter.

     It is with great sadness that I write that my grandpa de Mello died yesterday. I was on my way home from Wilmington when my uncle Andy called me and let me know. I took Caleb to the Michael's store to buy some stuffing for his favorite stuffed animal, and also picked up a few things for Christmas. 

     My grandpa de Mello, Fernando, moved to Brazil, and there he died. He was not well. He was confined to a wheel chair, and was on alot of medications for pain. He was unable to do things for or by himself anymore. He is not in pain anymore, and for that we can be grateful.

     I wanted to let Mathew know that our grandfather died, but I found out that he blocked me on Facebook and Facebook Messenger. I attempted to text message him. but do not know if he got it. I emailed him saying, " Grandpa de Mello died today. Blocking me. Real classy."

     He replied, " What's real classy is your attitude these past few months. YOU are the reason your family wants nothing to do with you." 

     This upset me. I have no idea what he is referring to as I have had no communication with him, his wife, or children in the past few months. The only thing he could be referring to is my blog? My blog has nothing to do with them- at all! 

     I don't know, and I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole trying to figure out for myself what he is referring to, because quite frankly I'm over his affinity and alignment to Trump. Over it! Biden won! My job is done.

     He could have chosen to respond differently considering I was only contacting him to let him know there was a death in the family, and his blocking me made that difficult. 

     He doesn't care about anyone but himself, and that's his prerogative. I don't have to take his abuse and gaslighting. No worries. Next time there is an important message, he won't be getting it. 

     I wanted to tell my dad that his father died yesterday, but I can't do that either. It is a matter of personal safety that I never open communication with him again. 

     I cried so hard over the loss of my dad yesterday. I will never be able to see him again, ever. I will never be able to see my brother, Mathew again either. It just isn't worth the pain it causes. 

     I am too sensitive, and they are black hearted. They have no love in their hearts for us. 

     So Caleb and I wailed at the loss of 3 generations of de Mello men yesterday, not just one.

     People's reactions to me now, are because I am standing up for myself and coming out of my survival shell a bit, and they don't like it. I've "Changed." No, the I haven't changed, you've just never been a part of my life when I am not consumed with helping someone else, instead of working on myself. 

     I may as well come out and say it. I'm going to pledge myself as a witch soon. I am still a healer. I will continue to learn healing arts. That's what I have been taking classes on. I don't care how anyone feels about it. You can read my blog from start to finish, and still not know me. I try to make myself transparent, but I am not as good with words as others are. 

     I will be working with Jesus in a different light. I am a Christian Witch, you might say. It's just the path I feel called to. I do not feel I belong to the churches I have attended. I do not fit in there at all. It is about empowerment and strength in my faith. I don't expect anyone who has not walked this path to understand. 

     I clear myself of all connections to Mathew, John, Sharon, Nichole, Kennedi, McKenzie, Parker, and Landyn. I am no longer serving them and they have never served me. 

     I focus my energies on my own household for our protection, and preparing for our futures. Perfect strangers have cared more about me than any of them have. It's a damn shame, but at least I know where I stand... Alone and by myself.

     I have Aunt Lisa by my side. She supports me in everything I do. My mom loves me, although she may not completely understand the wounds that I have that I am attempting to heal from. 

     I am 37 years old, and I have my own problems to think about and correct. I can't raise Mathew, and I can't heal my dad. It hurts. My heart is heavy. We all have chosen our own paths. Blessed be. 

     I do not have connections to Sherri or Eric. I never did. I tried to have relationships with them, but they fell through. I release myself of all connections to Eric and Sherri for our own protections, and preparing our futures. They are adults and have chosen their own paths. Blessed be. 

     I have recalled memories I made with Fernando in the past, in association with my grandma           de Mello. She died last year around this time. They will both be missed. Those who loved them know they have found peace, and are no longer suffering this life. Blessed be grandma and grandpa de Mello. I will not let Mathew or John take away from your memories. Rest in peace, both of you. 

     Caleb slept in my bed last night. He and I both mourned the losses of yesterday. He cried that he wanted his papa. I cried that I wanted my dad. Neither of us can have him. 

     I want peace and happiness for everybody. If that means we must be separated, then so mote it be. 

     In other news, I figured out how to clean my Jack Storms ring yesterday. It shines as brilliantly as the day I got it in the mail. It's so beautiful. 

     I decided to wear my crystal bracelets. Caleb made a necklace for my chakra crystal orgone charm of hemp twine, so now I can wear it comfortably. I am wearing my purple silicone wedding band that I bought to symbolize my relationship with myself, on my left index finger. I am number one. I matter to me. My happiness matters. My health matters. 

     I have written once, and I will write it again, "If you don't like what you see in my blog, there is nothing making you read it. You can stop reading my blog at any time." 

     Blessed be to all!

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