5 Year Journal Day 179

     Today's prompt is "When was the last time you ate pizza? What kind?" Ok who narc'd on me? LOL I had a slice of Caleb's Domino's pepperoni and extra cheese pizza last week. 

     It is now 2:44 a.m. here. Yesterday was a weird day. Caleb slept until about 1:30 p.m., so I had the whole morning to myself. I didn't do much. Caleb stayed awake all night the night before last, so I just let him sleep. I ran out to the grocery store to buy some bread to make sandwiches for breakfast. After eating, I loaded the dishwasher completely and ran it. I had some time to meditate and came up with my daily devotional script. 

     Later on in the afternoon, I had some motivation by Craig, my ex-boyfriend, to try to walk for 5 minutes. I told him I could do 30 minutes, but I just couldn't walk as fast as I use to. This is the incline trainer screen below. He chatted with me while I walked and kept me company.

      When I finished walking, my legs were like jello. I had to slowly and carefully make my way back to my chair. I think I tried to force myself to walk too fast. I have to learn to breathe again. I also have to find my stride. Even with the lift in my shoe, I still walk with a limp. I'll take this as a diagnostic test. Next time I will change my goal to walking 1 mile at a slower pace. 

      I got bored at some point and began going through apps on my phone. I wondered if Caleb had any new relatives show on his Ancestry DNA results. He didn't, but apparently they updated their DNA profiles in August 2020. I think this is cool!

     Caleb is awake and talkative. I can't think with him interrupting me every few minutes. I wanted to get laundry done, but I never made it back to the laundry room. I did however, light some sage, some incense, and a candle. I saged the house and opened the front and back door to air it out. 

     Caleb and I took care of the house plants. We took 2 of them outside to get some sunlight, and watered them. We took some potting soil and added in to the pot with the older plant. We also used the potting soil around the gardenias in the yard. 

     I put the rest of the stew beef chili in single serving freezer bags and in the freezer for later. 

     

     We had spaghetti with the sauce that I put in the freezer a while back for dinner. 

     It was just a slow paced day. 

     I began writing some positive affirmations for myself. I want to get healthy again. I don't want to rush into a fibromyalgia flare up. 

     Today I have Yoga. I will probably walk a mile in between 3 and 4. I also have to pay bills today, and that takes the energy out of me. It's alot of brain work and planning. 

     I am usually tired when I write my blog. Unfortunately it is the only time I really have to myself when it is quiet though. I just try to report the things that have happened throughout the day, and maybe some things I have been thinking about. One day, I will look back and think about these things again. One day I will be dead and this is all that will be left of me. 

     Something, to me, is better than nothing. I might not be able to give my best writing every day, but I try. Writing daily is not something that is easy to do. It takes discipline. I have kept a journal nearly my entire life. My Aunt Lisa was the first person to give me a diary. I was maybe 7 years old. 

     I was having trouble with my CPAP, and that's what woke me up. I couldn't breathe. I was not getting enough air flow in my mask. 

     I have still not changed out my old diabetic shoes for my new ones. Change is hard. 

     I was nearly falling off the bed. Bella was too close to the edge and left me very little room. Caleb was next to her. The 3 amigos fell asleep together.

     So, yesterday was Monday, and today, is Tuesday. I am trying to get back to a new normal. It's not easy. I was pretty shaken up by my grandpa's death. 

     Caleb was playing a game called "Mass Effect" on his Xbox, and it came to an end yesterday. Everybody on the game died, and Caleb wanted to cry. 

     It's nice and cool outside right now. Caleb just opened the front door and a cool breeze entered the house. It feels really good to me. 

     I need to find a motivation inside of me to keep trying to walk everyday. Even if it is slow walking, any walking is better than no walking. It gets hard to move inside the house. I get depressed I guess from being home all the time. It's refreshing to go to the store for groceries or go out and get gas. My pain levels have been better lately. I have been doing well on the supplements I take in addition to my regular medications. 

     I don't understand why the food I eat does not make me feel energetic. Isn't the point of eating to be to give the body energy? I think my depression has something to do with that.

     Maybe I need to adjust my depression medications to deal with the quarantine. I think I will talk to my psychiatrist about it. 

     This is the kind of night that I would love to sleep outside. It's nice and chilly. The best sleeping bag weather. 

     It's really a fight to get anything done. I have a war to fight within myself to get moving. Some days I win, some days I lose. It did not use to be this hard. I'm only 37 years old. I just don't feel like I should be feeling this way everyday. 

     I weighed in yesterday morning. I continue to gain weight. I'm out of control. I don't know how to stop. Last week was hard. This week I am trying to do better. On top of everything else, Caleb tries to feed me more. He makes food, and then doesn't want to eat it for one reason or another, and brings it to me to eat. Most of the time I can say no, but not all of the time.  

     I guess I will find something to do or go to bed.