Wednesday, November 11, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 173

      Today's prompt is "Who do you want to know better?" That's a hard question. I think right now that would be Ethony, the high priestess of the group I belong to. She is sooo interesting and knowledgeable. 

     It is now 12:37 a.m. and I am awake because I got super duper heated up and sweaty and could not cool off in the bed. 

     Yesterday Caleb and I went to Harris Teeter to get the 3 for $10 12 pack of soda deal. I also bought some soup that I can only find there. It is not a store that is close by. I wanted to eat something, so Caleb and I got some sushi from the grocery store while we were there. It was awesomely fresh because it had just been prepared. 

     We came home, and Caleb became defiant in getting the groceries out of the Mazda. It became this big ordeal when it didn't have to be. He knows that is his job when we go shopping. He brings the groceries inside to the kitchen and I put them away. Eventually he did bring in most of the groceries.

     We had to go back out to put gas in the Mazda, and pick up his medication from CVS.

     Let me go back for a minute. On the way home from the grocery store, it was raining and sunny at the same time. I was driving so I did not get to look around, but I know there was a rainbow somewhere. It never rains while it's sunny here. It's either gray and dismal and raining, or it's sunny, but not both. I took it to mean that grandpa had met with grandma and they were together in the presence of God. 

     So, when we went to the drive thru at CVS to pick up Caleb's medication, I rolled the window down and in came a dandelion seed from out of nowhere. There were no dandelions around the parking lot. It was two fluffy, white, helicopter seedlings together, like a double wish floating around. I took it to mean that grandma and grandpa were together in Heaven. Stuff like that never happens to me. 

     We then drove home, and I made some a couple cans of soup for my dinner, early, so I could take my night time medication and go rest in bed until grandpa's service at 7:00 p.m. I tried to take a nap, but I could not sleep. My mind would not relax, so I rested my body instead. 

     After I ate dinner, before I went to bed, I called my Granny and Pepere back. Granny called yesterday and left a voicemail, so I thought to call them back. I let them know the situation I found myself in with respect to the 3 generations of de Mello men. I also informed them that grandpa de Mello's service would be at 7. They wanted to attend, so I sent them the link Aunt Lisa sent me.

     While I was in bed and could not sleep, it occurred to me that I should call my mom and ask if she would like to attend the service as well. After all, my both sets of grandparents are the reason my parents found eachother in the first place. 

     I had planned on holding my own personal farewell ceremony at home with Caleb. I found some beautiful roses on sale at the grocery store for only $6 a dozen that I was going to use to pay respects to both grandma and grandpa. After all, yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my grandma's death. I had plans, but found myself too tired to follow through before Aunt Lisa's service, and after Aunt Lisa's service, no longer felt the need to do my own ceremony. 

     I was so sleepy after the service that I almost went right to bed. After the shiva, I needed a snack, and ate a couple of string cheese sticks, and some pickles. I went to bed after that. 

     I began crying before the ceremony formally began. I don't know, I guess I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Luckily I was muted, because Caleb kept interrupting with dumbass shit about his video games. 

     He broke down crying earlier in the day. The words "I have been abused by so many people." came out of his sobbing mouth as he lay against my chest as I sat in the office chair at the dinner table. He was mentioned papa (my dad), and Christinia. 

     Before the shiva took place, a post from one of my dad's friends who is on my facebook friends list came up. I contacted her and asked if she still had contact with my dad. I was trying to make sure he had the chance to go to the service if he wanted. I wanted to make sure he knew about his father's death. I know that no one else had been able to reach him, and I could not bring myself to call him nor Sharon. His friend, Diana, did reach them through Sharon's phone, and told him the sad news. 

     My dad is nearly blind now, and has had a hard time since his second heart attack. I do not know if the second heart was what he experienced while he was here, or if that was the first. I hate that his health is failing and I can not help him. I wish he and Sharon could have kept their anger in check so that they would still be living here. It breaks my heart, it really does. I do not have the means to support him financially, or to pay for someone to take care of him. 

     My dad is only 61 years old. He turned 61 this year. 

     It's all sad. I am trying not to fall into a deep depression over all of this. It's ok to be sad. It's not ok to give up on life, not for me. I have a son and a dog who need me to be functioning every day. 

     I meant to check up on my sister veteran, but it got to be late, and I totally forgot as I was so tired. 

     Rachel text messaged me, and I am glad that she did. I miss her. 

     I felt supported by my mom and Granny and Pepere by them calling in to the zoom meeting last night. I did not feel like I was the only person in my family who attended. Of course, other de Mellos attended, but I mean, I guess I don't know what I mean. I don't have the same connection with my mom's side of the family because of all the years we were separated. I am trying to work on that now, but I can't exactly go back in time and fix things that were out of my control to begin with. 

     I would rather work on our relationships while we can. One day we will all die and what do now will have lasting effects on the youth my generation is raising. I want Caleb to know his family as much as possible. He is already missing the entire paternal side of his family, I don't want to cut more out. 

     I never wanted to deal with my dad and Sharon in the way they were dealt with. When the Dept of Social Services steps in, though, there is not much I can do. I have to do what they say because I am not having my son taken away a second time. 

     Today is Veterans Day. I am determined to celebrate it with other veterans. It only happens once a year, and damnit, I want to celebrate. Tomorrow is my 10 year anniversary of the last day of my Army service. 

     Caleb thought that I was a Satanic witch when he saw the pentagram candle holders I bought. They arrived the day before yesterday. Just to be clear, I am not a Satan worshipper. The pentagram is a symbol of protection. It represents the elements surrounded by a circle of protection. He asked if he could have one of the two that I now have. LOL and No. I told him they were for my altar. He asked what is an altar? I explained that is an area set up and dedicated to a god or goddess. 

     I forgot to do my daily devotional yesterday. I just started my day without even thinking about it. 

     Caleb slept in my bed last night. He is sound asleep. Bella got kicked off the bed since she was kicking Caleb off the bed. She is sleeping in her crate, which is in my room. 

     I just put on the Vitality Inner Peace essential oil. It really does help calm the nerves. 

     I did not watch a video by Ethony yesterday either. I just did not feel up to it. That's to be expected, I guess. 

     I got the letter from the county about my food assistance benefits. I will continue to get them unless I start making more money, and will be requalified in May of next year. So, that is a relief. 

     I guess I don't qualify for full Medicaid right now because they never sent me information about it after I submitted my paperwork for it. I get family planning Medicaid only. Caleb continues to get Medicaid so I am grateful for that. 

     I have a sister veteran who used the VA to get her gastric bypass. I am upset that I was not even considered to be referred to someone when I asked to be referred to see an obesity specialist specifically. I do not want surgery. I want qualified help in losing weight and getting healthy.

     Last week I spoke to my dietician about my diet, and we came up with a rough guide for me specifically. It was made up of things I already knew and have already been doing. I was asking for help to make sense of what was going on in my head which was all jumbled up. 

     I'll be honest though, I'm not following a diet right now. Nope. I am eating what is easy for me to make. I have been eating sandwiches. I am not really supposed to eat bread. I have been eating Progresso soups with noodles and beans in them. I'm not really supposed to eat noodles, and limit my beans. I gotta do what I can just to make sure I am eating something. I don't always have it in me to cook. 

     Apparently I am an emotional eater, because I have been eating way more than I need to these past few days. I have no control right now. I see myself doing it, I know I am doing it, but I can't stop myself from doing it. What's worse is that feeling full feels good and is comforting. 

     I weighed in yesterday morning because I ate before I remembered to weigh in Monday morning. I gained something like 2 pounds since my last weekly weigh in. 

     Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I do not have alot of time to clear out the freezer. I might have to take the risk of waiting until the day before Thanksgiving to buy the pies, ice cream, and cool whip. I don't know if I can make room for 4 pies. That's alot of space. I don't know what I have in the freezer that I could use to empty enough room to put the pies. I will have to look and see what I can do. I absolutely must be able to bring pies to Thanksgiving dinner. 

     Life will go on. Life must go on. I have so much to do around here. It is neverending.

     Caleb asked me if he could get a pet bird when he gets older. He said like when he's 20. I told him "Caleb, you don't have to continue to live with me anymore when you are 20." and he said "I want to continue to live with you. Who will take care of you?" I tell you, if my heart could grow like the grinch's did, it would have. My baby boy, now 11, almost 12. My only child. I told him " I have not figured that out yet." He already understands, on some level, that I need to have someone live with me. 

     Well, I am out of Dews for the morning. I need to go ahead and take my iron pill. I guess I will go back to bed. I do need to rest. I have not slept well lately. 


   

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