5 year Journal Day 191

      Today's prompt is "Today was delightful because _____." Today was not delightful at all. I had no energy. I had no motivation. It was dark outside all day. Dark and grey. It started to rain later in the day. I felt pain everywhere. I did not do much. I was barely able to get a handful of dishes washed, and begin to load the dishwasher. That's all I accomplished all day. I was depressed and wanted to stay in bed. I took a long nap in the afternoon. 

     It is now 9:25 p.m. on Sunday. I did not get up this morning to write my blog. I did not get up at all, and therefor did not take my iron pill. 

     Yesterday was a day of service for me and Caleb. We went to Wilmington, unexpectedly, to help Billy out. His girlfriend needed medication from the pharmacy. I had some things to give her, so I brought them over. I took Billy around to get to get the medication, and get his phone fixed. Along the way, I bought 6 boxes of candy canes and donated them to the lady who was collecting donations for the Salvation Army in front of the Walmart because she had run out. I had Caleb give a can of Progresso soup to an old lady who was at a traffic light with a sign. Last, but not least, we handed a guy with a sign at a traffic light a box of Diet Mountain Dew because that was all I had to give. And that was the majority of our day.

     I already summarized how today went. I finally put some cocoa butter on the inside of my nose again. It was soooo dry and blood encrusted. It hurt so bad. I put some on my facial scabs, and on my arm too. They were dry, cracking, and itchy.

     Caleb went out fishing today. He played video games on his Xbox for most of the day.

     I got a message from my mom that lifted my spirits. She showed me her Christmas tree and lights.

     I messaged Erick in Brazil. We exchanged some photos of family.

     I tried to go to sleep, but couldn't. I got too warm. My mind was busy and wouldn't rest. 

     Tomorrow is pay day, which means I get to pay the bills. It's a time consuming process. I have alot of bills. I missed out on all the sales this weekend because I did not have any money to spend. It sucks because I could have bought the gifts I wanted to buy at a discount, rather than paying full retail prices. Hopefully there will be other sales coming up. 

     I have to get some things in the mail so people receive their gifts on time. 

     I really felt the damages that have have happened to me this year, today. I was alone for awhile and just pretty much shut down. I couldn't think about anything. Was just depressed, unmotivated, no energy, and no thoughts. I wanted to clean the kitchen. I did push through some of the "bullshit" to get started, but I did not finish. It was just a dreary day. 

     I'm glad to have Caleb. He looks after me, when I don't even notice that I'm slipping. He makes sure I stick to my medication schedule, and don't miss my important night time medications. He cares about me. 

     I'm glad Bella and I found eachother. She helps me with my depression alot. She is so soft and cuddly. She loves to lay in bed with me. She likes to be close to me all the time. I wish I could take her everywhere I go. She is such a sweetheart. She knows I love her very much. 

    I have not been in as much contact with my Aunt Lisa because she is working herself ragged trying to square away grandpa's storage units and going through the things he collected throughout his life. 

     I posted on facebook that I use to be ok being alone, and now I really am not okay. It's the truth. I need to be ok. I don't know what to do to heal from my traumas, abuses, and bad relationships. I wish I still had my therapist. She has been promoted and the VA filled her position with someone new.

     I felt like lighting candles today, so I did. I bought those candles after Christmas at Walmart last year. 

     I just chatted with a friend on Facebook who saw my depressing post. We are going to video chat tomorrow , and I now have her phone number. She says I can text anytime. What love!

     I am not that tired right now, but my pelvis is hurting and I want to go lay down. I might get up in the morning, and I might not. I don't know. Only time will tell. 

     I am going to go ahead and take my iron pill now though. I don't know for sure, but I have heard lack of iron can cause fatigue. 

     Caleb is finally asleep and I think he has Bella with him, so I might be sleeping all alone tonight. Oh well. At least they are loving on eachother.