New Start Day 31

     It is now 0130 and I have been up for about 20 minutes. I went ahead and started logging in my time spent on meditation and energy transmissions in my planner so I can keep up with everything that I am doing in the mornings. It will be interesting to see what the difference is in about a month. Should be some good changes by then. 

    I had to get up out of bed. The dogs were pushing me off the bed, and I was fighting to retake my position so I could lay down on my back and sleep. Once I got back into position from my side, my back hurt. So, whatever. I wanted a Dew anyway. I was trying to stay in bed until my alarm goes off at 0700. Oh well. I can't win them everyday! I was just so tired yesterday. I wanted to make sure I was getting enough rest so I would not feel like that today. I have things I have to do. I hate when I can't get my jobs done. I was truly exhausted yesterday and in pain all over. I think I was having a fibromyalgia flare up.

    Yesterday Caleb woke me up. I went back to bed after taking a shower, getting dressed and having nothing else to do at 0400. Caleb woke me up around 0630 because his chest was hurting when he was trying to drink water or something. He wanted to go to the Emergency room. So, we did after I woke up, and tried to figure out if it needed him to go the ER. He could not take his medications because it hurt to swallow. I tried to call my dad to get Dona Sharon's advice before going to the ER, but he did not answer his phone. I think he was still sleeping. 

    We went to the ER, and we were treated kindly by all the staff. Caleb had labs taken, an ekg, and a chest x-ray done. He was sent home after taking a GI medication cocktail of 3 different liquid medications mixed. He was ok when he drank it. His chest was not hurting.

    On the way home, Caleb asked to go to Walmart to buy some food. We went shopping at Walmart and then went home. I was tired when we got home. I remember going to lay down around 1030. I had my Trauma and Abuse clearing appointment with Erica Rock at 1230. I slept through half the energy transmission, and was still in bed for the other half. I was supposed to be resting in bed for the appointment, so it was no big deal. Actually it was probably better for me to receive the transmission because I was trying to relax. Erica sent me the audio from the session after the appointment was over, and I decided to listen to it immediately. It was an hour long. 

    I got a response from my professor so now I understand what I am supposed to turn in this week.

    I did not do much else. I should have expected that, though, because it is common for me to feel like the life has been drained from me on days I take a shower. I took a hot shower after blogging yesterday morning, and chose to wear some new clothes from Maurice's and Torrid in smaller sizes. I am wearing a size 2x Maurice's shirt , and a size 2 Torrid leggings! Both are smaller than what I have been wearing, and I am comfortable! 

    I am listening to the Lightbody Activation right now.

    Today I waiting for my direct deposit to be deposited so I can pay some of my bills. I don't feel the pains I was feeling yesterday. It's like, yeah, it feels good to be fresh and clean, but on the other hand, I feel like death walking afterward sooo...

    I had my call with coach Brandi yesterday morning too. It went well. We talked in a way that I can't talk to her in the group call because there just isn't the time, and it wouldn't be appropriate with everybody else there. I felt heard. She is an awesome person to know.

    I just took my medications. I am trying one hydroxyzine in the morning with a Stress blend herbal supplement that includes Ashwagandha in it today. I don't have any appointments today, so my day is open to get my work done. I never did catch up on my laundry. I want to cook tonight, so I have to clean the kitchen up a bit. I bought ingredients to make my "taco fajitas." I cook ground beef with taco seasoning, then add tri-color bell peppers and yellow onions to the mix. I like to eat mine like a taco fajita salad. I have romaine lettuce, red leaf lettuce, green leaf lettuce, and 50/50 Spring Mix. I use a little bit of all of those then add the taco fajita mix on top with some shredded sharp cheddar cheese, sour cream, and maybe guacamole. Yummy! 

    I am listening to track 6 of the Unlimited Abundance program right now. I need to spend some time on my homework today.  Tomorrow I take Bubba to the vet for his weigh-in and meds refills. Tomorrow is also the launch of "#BeastMode", an anthology by Sheila Farr which I contributed to. 

    I am listening to The Gift of Divine Grace now by Erica Rock, of course! 

    I guess my dad had a bad day yesterday. He is struggling with staying awake during the day. He takes medications that make him sleepy and he ends up sleeping all day. He has work he needs to do to improve his living situation, and can't do it if he is sleeping during regular business hours. The other thing he is struggling with is that Dona Sharon sleeps all day too. She is not able to drive him where he needs to go on a regular basis and he is constantly having to ask strangers for rides to run his errands. They are currently living at a Motel 8 in Lumberton, NC, not the best place to call home. I feel bad, but I did not put him there. I tried multiple times to have them live with me, and I just can't do that anymore. I have to protect my space. I have to protect Caleb.

    My dad needs someone to administer his medications because he is blind. He can't drive for obvious reasons. He can't do his own paperwork by himself.... he just needs so much help right now. I am staying at a distance because I can't get involved. I have to remain separate, and keep my boundaries, no matter how much I want to help. Every time I get involved, I regret it. I'm not doing that to myself anymore. I'm not doing that to Caleb anymore. I was not the one who abused Caleb. He was. Has he forgotten that he choked Caleb when he was 10 years old? We haven't forgotten. 

    Yesterday he said something to the effect of "I just can't believe that Caleb's father can deny him. I mean I am not his father, I am his grandfather and I care and am more involved." Ok, I know I told my dad multiple times that I did not have a relationship with Caleb's biological father. I know I told him at least once that I was raped while intoxicated by someone I had just met, and never saw again. Did he forget? 

    He brought up my past relationships for inspection yesterday, and if I did not have the protection surrounding me that I do, I could have been really hurt by what was said. I remained distant. His opinions have little to do with my reality. I don't have to explain that 20 year olds and teenagers make bad decisions. I'm no different in that respect. I don't have to reveal to him anything I don't want to. I didn't continue the conversation. It's not up for discussion. Maybe he should inspect his own decisions more closely instead. 

    Part of how I feel abused by my dad is his speaking to me about topics that I don't bring up, he brings up, and directing my attention to all my bad choices. I am not making the same choices today, so why do I have to endure what feels like abuse? It's my life. I did the best I could with the information that I had at the time. 

    He oversteps my boundaries. I need to enforce my boundaries. How do I talk about this with my dad? I don't want an argument. I want to be respected. How should I handle this? Like "Dad I don't like it when you..." or "I feel like you overstep my boundaries when you..."

    I guess that could work, because it has to stop if I am to continue talking to him. Otherwise I have to stop talking to him because I walk away feeling physically beaten when conversations like these happen. 

    I just finished the Gift of Divine Grace recording. I am getting tired again. I think I will go rest for a bit since Caleb is still sleeping, and I am not ready to do my homework. Be blessed my readers!     

New Start Day 30

     I woke up about 10 minutes ago. It is 0128 now. Both dogs followed me out of bed and are here with me as I type this. It's too sweet. They love their mama. I gave them good morning rubs to show them love. Today is Tuesday and I have 2 appointments today. One is a call with Coach Brandi Miles from Unleash Your Life program, and is at 9:00 am, I think. The other is a transmission from trauma and abuse clearing from Erica Rock at 12:30 pm. I can't believe I am getting a live personal transmission from Erica Rock today! I know it will help me on my spiritual journey to allow more source energy into my being, and be able to heal others.

    I am currently listening to the Unlimited Abundance Program track number 5. I took notes yesterday so I could plan how I want to do all these transmissions and meditations. Some of them have explicit instructions, and others do not. 

    As of yesterday, my new estimated A1c is below diabetic range!

    I am now listening to the Optimal Health and Well Being track number 1 from Erica Rock. I love her so much, and have never been in her physical presence. 

    I am struggling with my weight loss. I am on a plateau. There needs to be change in order for there to be change. I want to start walking every day for about 30 minutes in the mornings, but I have not gotten the incline trainer cleared off yet. I do not look forward to wearing socks again. i have been wearing my Sootheez slide on sandals everyday so I don't wear socks. 

    I was able to clear a space to make my salad that I have been wanting for days now, yesterday. I am so glad, but it did not taste as good as normal. The red onion had been cut on the last time I made a salad, and lost it's flavor from being in the fridge. 

    I was able to put draino in the bathtub drain yesterday too, just not as soon as I would have liked. The draino did not clear the hair that was stuck to the drain, but I had the remedy for that. I had a snake to pull the hair out. Yeah. Good times. Today I plan on cleaning the shower and bathtub, and hopefully the whole hallway bathroom. I got the good stuff to make it easier on me. I got the foaming Scrubbing Bubbles for the shower and bathtub! Woop woop! I have Comet to scrub the bathtub if I need it. I have brand new cleaning gloves to protect my hands, and I have new scrubbing pads to really get in there and clean up. I am going to teach Caleb how to do it as I am doing it. He needs to know.

    Yesterday Caleb had his annual physical. He is 175lbs. and 5ft. 9.5 in. tall! He is being referred to a pediatric GI doctor for his digestive issues. I had the doctor, who was male, talk to him about jock itch. 

    Yesterday I spent time finding information to make a better decision about next semester. I contacted Breezy, my academic coach, by email. I went to VA.gov to find the information about the Post 9/11 GI bill payments. 

    I emailed my professor to see if that worksheet was supposed to be turned in this week, or if we are supposed to write a paper.

    It rained yesterday and was gray outside all day. My pain was present when I laid down to take a nap and I couldn't sleep. 

    I listened to the Lightbody activation meditation yesterday afternoon for the first time. I have to listen to it once a day for a minimum of 30 days.

    I have to work on my worksheet today because I have to make sure I am doing what will get me a 100 score. I have the scoring chart printed out so I can check everything before I submit the assignment this week. 

    Caleb has to clear his learning space at the table, and then I will give him the books we are working from first to look over.

    I have been taking 6 psyllium husk capsules in the morning and in the evening and that has been enough to get me regular. I am not taking the medication that was prescribed for me for my IBS. I don't need it anymore. I'm good to go right now. I'm not having the pain I was having.

    I am listening to the Lightbody Activation now by Erica Rock. I am supposed to listen to it once a day for a minimum of 30 days. It's best for me to listen when Caleb is sleeping because he distracts me from meditations. 

    I am trying to relax into our new flow, our new schedule, but it is not easy. I have alot of stress and anxiety about the future. I am working on figuring out what to do about next semester. I am getting ready to start homeschooling Caleb. I am still working on getting the house cleaned up. I am maintaining our health appointments, paying bills, and grocery shopping. I am trying to maintain regular chores, but I fall behind as soon as I start because of fibromyalgia or just energy drain. 

    I thought this meditation was for an hour, but thank God it is only for 30 minutes. I have a hard time sitting still and focusing. 

    This meditation feels good though.

    I wrote, "I am a normal Autistic female disabled veteran single mother. Bahahaha!" in response to a meme about being normal yesterday.

    I just finished that meditation. 

    I just reordered CPAP supplies from the VA. Need those. It takes a long time to get them in the mail so I have to order well in advance. 

    Bella is sleeping at my feet under the kitchen table. I guess Bubba finally calmed down and went back to sleep with Caleb. Bella and Bubba were playing and running around hte house making all kinds of noise and woke Caleb up. 

    I don't know what is next. I just completed my daily quiz for the day. I thought I might get paid today, but I haven't gotten paid yet so I can't pay the bills while I'm up. I guess I could focus on my homework or scheduling. I need a shower. Do I take a shower now? Or do I wait until after I have cleaned the shower? I kind of want to take a shower now. Actually I wanted to take a shower on Saturday but the drain was clogged, and I didn't have the energy to deal with it, take a shower, and get dressed, and carry on with the rest of my day. I think I'm ready. Be blessed my readers!

    

New Start Day 29

     It is now 0510 and I have been awake for at least 30 minutes now. I have taken my medications, and listened to the Grace audio from Erica Rock's mini course. I love her audios. I feel so good listening to them. I am listening to a new audio right now that is an activation audio. I like to write as I listen because I can't just sit here and do nothing for 30 minutes. It's not possible for me! LOL

    Yesterday I felt dizzy most of the day. I may be listening to too many of Erica's audios at one time. Her audios are energetically charged and her energy comes through on the transmissions. I may be trying to heal too quickly for what my body can handle at one time. Also it was a New Moon, if I am not mistaken, yesterday, and we had solar flare activity. I am beginning to think I am sensitive to solar flares because whenever I read that they are happening, I am at the same time experiencing dizziness. 

    I just purchased my next phase of Erica audio files that I want to listen to. I should be good now for the next 6 months, as each audio requires time to settle in, and must be done according to instructions. I will be learning some new stuff too. I'm excited to be on this journey!

    I discussed my plans for Capella University with my dad yesterday. He was disappointed like I expected, and did try to persuade me to find another option other than quitting. I considered it after giving it some thought, but what made the difference was my post on the Capella Society of ABA group page on Facebook. I posted what I was feeling and how I was planning to withdraw after this class because it is just too much for me to handle. Other students responded with kindness, and I took it to heart. Information about other students' progress and how they managed to get through was shared with me. I was so grateful to have that information I cannot even tell you! So, I think I will drop to one course from here on out. It will take me longer to graduate, but I am ok with that. I will make steady progress, and hopefully the stress will not be maxed out for me. I will be able to handle what is being asked of me because it won't be double Ever! Unfortunately this derails my plan to use my Post 9/11 GI bill for the next semester because I wanted to get the most use out of it, meaning paying for a full-time semester so I can get housing pay. I only have 3 months or so left of my GI bill, so I wanted it to cover as many classes as I could manage. I need more information. If those two classes don't require papers to be written I might be able to make them happen as planned. I have to ask an instructor for that information. I am happy that I do not have to quit. It seemed like the only option yesterday. I did not realize how much I wanted to pursue this degree until I started talking about it with my dad. I really want to complete my Master's Degree. It will put me one step closer to getting my phD. It is something I can slowly work on to better myself. As much as I struggled with the Literature Analysis Worksheet last week, I felt a great sense of accomplishment when I finished it. I have not felt that way about much lately. There are so many things that I do on repeat, it's almost like it doesn't matter that I do them because they will have to be done again. I am speaking about housecleaning and errand running. You know, the stuff that never ends. That is where my head has been lately. I have not even tried to make friends in class yet, and that was one of my personal goals. I want to meet other people who are interested enough in the topic we are studying to do this with me! I mean, what an opportunity! These people are truly amazing. I am happy to be counted as one of them. 

    I am going to plan ahead for these Erica Rock audios. I am going to use my planner to stay on track so I don't overwhelm myself in the future. I have to go back and look to see how many days rest I need in between listening to each. 

    Today kids in public school have day 1 of the school year. Caleb has his annual physical this morning with his doctor. We will discuss some things he might need help with. I don't think we will get started on homeschooling today necessarily, but we will likely get started this week. 

    I took only one  hydroxyzine yesterday morning and night. I do not think that made me dizzy because the higher doses did not make me dizzy. It could have though as it it one of the side effects of taking it. I only took one hydroxyzine today too. I need something that can help me with my anxiety and stress throughout the whole day. I take CBD, but I don't notice a difference when I take it. I have some other anxiety reducing herbal supplements here too, like Lion's Mane Mushroom, Ultimate Ashwagandha, and Lavender. I have not tried them yet, but I will in the future. Once I have determined if I should just stay on one hydroxyzine or not. I might have to stop taking it to determine if the other supplements work for me. I need something to work for me that will not make me drowsy. Hydroxyzine has that side effect too. It says on the box of Lavender that it is non-drowsy. Perhaps I will try that one first. 

    I am looking forward to starting homeschooling with Caleb. I think we have a better understanding for eachother since we have done all these therapies as a family. I can't wait to see him learn!

    So today Caleb has his appointment with his doctor that he does every year just to check in. The only other appointment I have today other than that is my standing appointment with Unleash Your Life group at 7:00pm. Tomorrow I have a one-on-one call with Coach Brandi in the morning. Then the only other appointment is on Thursday to take Bubba to the vet for his weigh-in and medication. 

    Caleb is not awake yet, and both of the dogs are sleeping with him in my bed. 

    It is now 0632, and I spent 30 minutes holding the energy on my head after listening to the Divine Energy Activation audio by Erica. I am going to use a special notebook or something to track my progress with all of this. It's too much to remember. I am so happy about it!

    I feel good! It's Monday morning and I have not completed my morning routines yet. I have to get them done so I don't forget anything, and add start the laundry, and put draino in the tub drain to the list for this morning. I have not eaten breakfast yet. I don't want to forget that!

    I have to check in with Capella to see what is expected of me as far as work that is due. 

    I ate not one, but three pieces of Texas Toast garlic bread with cheese on it last night. Caleb put it in my face and asked if I wanted it. I did not eat many carbs during the day, so I thought "Why not?" I know I am going to struggle to get back in ketosis now. I have restart all over again. I also ate most of a bag of Funions last night when I woke up in the middle of the night.

    I want to pull some books out today and get Caleb acquainted with what's coming up. I know that preparation time helps me alot. I want him to flip through the books we will be studying from and clear his desk space, and collect his school supplies before we start working together.

    Yesterday we went to Publix so I could get the good guacamole from there. We were actually on our way to Food Lion, but then I thought I should stop there first. So then we went to Food Lion and I replaced my salad ingredients that went bad before I could eat them. Caleb got his food, and I restocked on most of the drinks I am drinking nowadays. I forgot to look to see if they had my tea! Oh well.

    We came home and I finished up my assignment and completed my quiz. I got a 60 the first time. The quiz is only about 7 or 8 questions, so I only missed 2 questions and that was my grade. I was able to repeat the quiz, and got a 100 the second time. I did it a third time because we have 3 times to do the quiz, and because the grades are then averaged together for a final quiz grade. Since I could repeat the 100, it was a good thing to do to bring my score up.

    I was so happy to finish up that damned worksheet! When I went to look to see where/how to submit it, there was no link! I emailed the professor directly to find out what to do. I think she emailed me back last night after I fell asleep. I have a feeling I don't have to turn in that worksheet at all! OMG! The stress it caused me to get it done before it got late on Sunday! Oh well. At least I got it completed.

    I did not do much else yesterday. I was dizzy the whole day, and so when I completed my assignment and quiz, I had some ham and cheese for lunch and went to lay down to take a nap. When I woke up, Caleb was not home. He came home soon after I got out of bed. I was not happy! He is not supposed to leave the house at all while I am napping. Ooooh! That boy does not understand even though he experienced that trauma with the boy pointing a gun on him at the Veterans Park. 

    I got the water bill yesterday and it was $100 more than usual! I told Claeb about his toilet running and make sure it stops running after he flushes. He apparently is not paying any attention to it, and this is what happens. Ugh!

    I have not been feeling the andara I bought. I feel like I want them close to me at all times, but when I hold them I do not sense any changes. It may be that I have too much going on all the time to sense it. Or it may be that it is too subtle for to sense. Either way, they have been with me since I received them in the mail. I wear them in my tank top, since I don't wear a bra with my far infrared compression tank top. When it starts to bother me, like making me itch, I just put them on the table while I work. 

    I feel like I need a nap already, but what I really need to do is take a shower and brush my teeth. Maybe if I eat my ham cheese breakfast I will feel more energized. I just feel relaxed to the max. I still feel the energy of the audio I just listened to circling around me. 

    I text messaged my mom yesterday a photo of Bella and Bubba sleeping together on Caleb's blanket on the floor next to where I was doing my homework yesterday morning. 

They are so cuddly and furry. My furbabies! I told her they were on guard and sleeping on duty! LOL She responded to my text, so that means I have not been blocked. So I am happy about that, because I was unsure. I need to ask her about my early childhood at some point in the future. I need to create a checklist of Autism symptoms in early childhood, so I know what I need to ask about. I can then take notes and submit it to Ted Jamison for review. Maybe he will change my diagnosis, maybe he won't. I won't know until I get that far. 

    The latest anthology that I have contributed to, "#BeastMode" is set to be release on amazon on September 1st. I don't remember what I wrote about. I have to reread it again. I forget what I write as soon as I write it. I bought a book that is supposed to show me how to improve my memory every day, but I haven't read it yet. I have alot of books that I want to read. I have not completed reading "Let Go or Be Dragged" by Sheila Farr yet. I don't remember what I wrote in that chapter I contributed either. once I read what I wrote, I can give you a summary. Once I read what other authors wrote, I can give a summary on those too. Sheila Farr read them all before publishing, so I know they are all great! 

    My 7:00 alarm just went off, so I have to get my day started. Be blessed my readers! 

    

    

New Start Day 28

     It is now 0109 and I have been awake for more than an hour. I have been working on my graduate studies. I have research that has to be completed by Sunday at midnight. Yesterday I found article number 2. This morning I found article number 3. Finding the right article to fit the requirements is the hard part. Once I figure out that I have a good article to use, the rest is just answering the questions on the worksheet. I have most of the worksheet filled out now, so I am taking a break from that for a little while. I just woke up and felt like I'm ready to get some homework done, so I got out of bed. 

    I just finished listening to Erica Rock's "Silence" audio file from her mini course. It will be interesting to listen to it again when I need it. The idea is to silence the chatter in the mind. Of course I was working on my homework at the same time I was listening, so I may not have gotten the full reach of the audio, but I feel better. I feel like maybe I let some things go. 

    Yesterday I spent my waking hours working on homework. I tried to get my printer to work properly unsuccessfully and decided to go to the Shallotte Walmart to buy the new printer I wanted. They didn't have the one in stock that I was prepared to buy, so I bought a cheaper one. I am happy with my purchase so far. It is printing in the quality I need, and I didn't spend nearly as much as I would have otherwise!

    I am listening to the level 3 andara attunement now. Going to Walmart was tiring. I worked a little more on my homework before quitting for the day. I just ate some cucumbers and jalapeno artichoke dip with a side of cherry peppers stuffed with cheese and prosciutto for dinner. Just enough to take my meds. I had no energy to cook dinner. I really wanted a salad but had no energy to clean up and prepare it. I am doubting my ability to take 2 core courses at the same time. This assignment has taken so much time, I do not know if I could do two at the same time. I might have to slow down my progress so that I do not get overworked or overwhelmed with assignments. I have to keep in mind that these are graduate level classes and not the same as undergraduate classes. The assignments are way more taxing and time consuming. 

    I will probably go back to sleep here in a little while. Today I just need to finish my assignment for week 3 and complete the quiz. I hope the quiz is easy. That's all I'm focused on today.

    I haven't been practicing Reiki daily. Instead I have been listening to the Erica Rock audio files. They are more efficient at transmitting good energy than the Reiki so I don't mind.

    I don't have anyone to talk to on a regular basis. Coach Brandi offered to schedule a weekly session to help me through some things, but she never actually did schedule with me. Something emotional came up for her last week, and I do not know how she is doing since then.

    The only person I can call whenever I want to talk is my dad. I don't have any friends I can call and chat with everyday. It's an important thing for me. I am in my house most days that I do not have appointments. When I do have appointments, well, those people are not my friends, and it is not the same thing. I am socially isolated. I write this blog so I don't have all these things in my head running around all the time. I have no one to have a conversation with. I'm not sure how different my life is from the normal person, but I know it is different. I think it's mostly because I am a disabled veteran and don't have a job. Most people my age with my background have jobs, I think. That's the biggest difference. Then, I am not married, engaged, or even dating. That's another big difference. On top of that, my siblings have all blocked communication from me. I wouldn't be surprised if my mom did too. I don't go out and socialize to meet new people. 

    I am focusing on my growth and healing first and foremost. Caleb's growth and healing is second. It takes alot of my time and energy to get better with every day. I am slowly losing weight by staying on my keto diet. My blood pressure is now back to normal range. I am working on getting my anxiety under control. I am giving daily time to my spiritual growth and understanding. I am pursuing a higher education than most people. I am making sure Caleb takes his medications and makes it to his appointments as much as possible. I have prepared for Caleb's homeschooling this year. We are working together to straighten out our living environments.      

    I am learning to love and let go. I am finding peace with Erica Rock's words each morning. I am increasing my light quotient every day now. My home is now protected. My being is now protected. I am healing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. The more I heal, the better parent I can be to Caleb. The more I learn, the more I can teach Caleb. 

    It is almost 0200 now. Maybe I should take my medications? Hmmm.... I don't know that seems kind of early.

    I am starting the book, "Emotional Inflammation" over. It is my new toilet book. I read while I go. It's efficient quiet time use.

    I am now level 3 andara attuned!

    Caleb has been having irritable bowel syndrome-like symptoms. I think he has a high metabolism and fast digestive processes, but he complains that he feels sick alot. I wonder why that is. He has his annual physical coming up on Monday so I am going to bring it up to his doctor. 

    Caleb helped me yesterday by removing the recycling from the porch. He moved as much as could fit in the recycling bin. He then picked up the things in the hallway for me. He also started the dryer when asked. He wanted to earn a wireless mouse for his computer so he had some motivation to not argue.

    I'm getting tired so I'm going to go rest for a bit more. 

    I'm back. It's now 0825. I just took my medications, gave Caleb his medications, and ate some ham and cheese. I'm relistening to Erica Rock's August tele-call. I feel so strongly attracted to her energy. I know I am being more "impulsive" like my VA psych eval says because I am going all in all of a sudden. It's not every day that I cross paths with another crystal-lover who works with energy. I really love listening and watching her. It's so positive without being anything like church. I just don't belong in church. I don't feel welcome there. I want to be more like Erica. I want to share light with the world too. 

    I'm thinking harder about pushing the pause button on my graduate studies. I don't think I have the energy I need to take 2 classes at the same time AND take care of everything going on in my life. Homeschooling Caleb is time consuming and energy draining. The next 2 classes will have required weekly video calls that last 2 hours each. I just can't manage it all. I don't want to live the next 18 months in stress mode because I committed to doing more than I can handle. I thought about just taking one class at a time, but if this introductory class is any indication of what is required of me, I know I don't consistently have the time and energy to do them. I also came to the conclusion that I could just purchase an ABA for Autism workbook or parent's guide and come out with the information I need in less time and with less debt. I'm just struggling right now, and it's only week 3 in the introductory course. This is not even studying the actual material yet. I am just supposed to be learning how to use the digital library right now. I think I have a problem with understanding language. Actually, I know I do. It makes me take alot longer to figure out what I'm supposed to do and understand how to do it. Then, as I was working on this week's research assignment, I had to flip through like 8 different windows over and over again. It really impacted me negatively. It made me feel sick. As convenient as it is to go to school online, I don't think I can manage it for 18 months. I don't think this is for me. I can do the discussions. I can do the daily quizzes now. I can do the weekly quizzes ok, but I have alot of test anxiety regardless of the test I am taking. Being in school again is too stressful for me and after I finish this class I think I will withdraw. I need to get Caleb homeschooled. That is my priority. I do not want me going to school to get in the way of me teaching him what he needs to know to be a successful student and adult. 

    I don't want to be in debt, even if it is from going to college. I am glad I tried to go to school for my Master's degree, but I no longer want to put myself through this. When I went to UNCW for my Bachelor's degree in Science of Business Administration with a concentration in Operations Management, Caleb went to daycare. I had about 40 hours a week of time where I knew Caleb was safe and cared for without my supervision. I no longer have that going on as Caleb is now 13 years old and being homeschooled. There are not enough hours in the day to get all the things done. I am already struggling to get my house cleaned up, and I'm only taking one class and Caleb has not started homeschooling yet. I'm juggling too many commitments to continue this path. I will not force myself into this program. I feel the resistance, and I am acknowledging it and changing my path. 

    I will not be able to work any time in the near future. Becoming a Board Certified Behavior Analyst requires something like 3,000 hours of supervised work. I cannot use my Master's degree professionally without becoming board certified, which means I will have invested all this time, money, and energy into something I will not profit from. So there's that. I was willing to go ahead with that in mind to be able to help Caleb at home. There are other ways to get information and education. I personally love books. I have recently invested in some Autism Parenting books that will shed some light on how both Caleb and I work.

    It's better that I withdraw knowing all of these things than to continue like I'm not bothered and affected and fail the next 2 classes and have that on my record. It's disappointing that I have to withdraw after this class. I know myself though. I know what I can and can't do. I had no idea how hard taking these courses would be for me before I started. My dad is going to try to talk me out of withdrawing. He is going to be disappointed that I have to quit too. I have thoroughly considered the options I have though, and this is what is right for me right now.

    It is now 0917. I am listening to Erica Rock's August tele-call still. I need to finish my week 3 assignment. I just have to complete the worksheet, and I was filling it in as I read the articles after I found the right ones, so there is not alot left. Then I have to complete this week's quiz and then I can relax on school until tomorrow. 

    I'm going to get some laundry started, give Caleb a task to do, and do my homework. Be blessed my readers!

New Start Day 27

     It is 0506 right now, and I have been awake for about 30 minutes. I am listening to the level 2 andara attunement. I have just taken my medications and choked on one of the bigger capsules. Thank God I got it down! I slept with the andara on my chest again I only took 2 hydroxyzine pills with my night time medication, and the melatonin. Today I am only taking 1 hydroxyzine pill twice during the day. I just took the first one. Actually I think I need 2 at night, so I will take 2 tonight. I am trying tom get the dosage right. I need a strong anti-anxiety effect, but not one so strong that I can't stay awake. 

    Yesterday I was able to get alot of dishes handwashed and pre-washed for the dishwasher. I washed out the crockpot to be able to cook the boneless pork ribs for dinner. I then took a break because the dish strainer was full of clean dishes and I had no room for more clean dishes. So I worked on my homework for a little while. I got myself confused on what I was being asked to do. I thought I understood the instructions, but when I went back to the instructions, I got confused more than ever! I had to reteach myself what behavior analytic research article looks like so I can identify them in my assignment. I felt like I didn't make progress overall because I began to question my first article that I was working on. I might have to start over today. The assignment is due tomorrow at midnight so I don't have alot of time left.  

    Caleb started the laundry in the dryer for me, took out the kitchen trash, unloaded the dish strainer, and unloaded the dishwasher without arguing! Now that's progress! I'm super proud of him helping me yesterday. I was trying to get as much done as I could but I needed a nap after lunch.

    Yesterday I listened to one of Erica Rock's free mini class sessions at lunch. She said to rest for about 15-20 minutes afterwards. I stayed in bed for about 4 hours. I was depleted of energy. I took 2 hydroxyzine with lunch. It makes me tired. 

    Today I have to get my homework done so I can complete the weekly quiz. I will likely spend all day at the computer. I can still have Caleb work towards getting laundry clean. 

    My weight has been coming down since my period week is over as of yesterday. I weighed in at 282.1 lbs. today and I am so happy! I have to be below 275lbs. to go on a helicopter tour with Caleb. I don't have the money to spend right now, but I hope I will have it when the time is right. 

    I totally forgot about the tele-call with Erica Rock on Thursday! I have to listen to that recording soon too. I still have not watched the Ignite Your Light video. I am behind but hopefully I will catch up soon. 

    I have 2 more andara coming in the mail, and I went ahead and registered for Erica's September call. I do not feel the andara I have. It may be that's it too much to process at one time. I bought one that Caleb picked out. It was a Seafoam Elder Heart of the Dove. I gave it to him and told him to spend some time holding it in his hand.

    I want to attune Caleb to level 1 Reiki at some point soon. I think it's important in his ability to regulate his emotions, ground, and center. 

    I finished reading my very first book in a very long time yesterday! It was the book about habits. I will bring it out later some time and write about my experience with it. In short, I highly recommend it! The book was a great read. I liked all the references to not only Biblical people, but non-Biblical people too. I felt motivated throughout the text to do what the author had to say. I hope that once I get to the root of my anxiety I can quit vaping. I want to read the book again in the future. It was my toilet reading book! I tried to read a chapter a day. LOL I did not always succeed, but I finally read the whole book! I am super happy about that. I have so many new books that I want to read in my room and in my work space.

    I have completed the level 2 andara attunement. I am now listening to the August tele-call by Erica Rock.

    I feel better after the attunements. I wish I could feel this fresh everyday. I do not know if part of it is because I have taken the anxiety medication prior. 

    I am undergoing another house blessing right now. I am so glad for this. I need it badly. The dogs constantly bark at the "nothing" in the house. I know there are things here that I do not want here. Now they are gone forever. 

    One of my goals is to become an Ascended Master of Healing and Light. I think I have found my tribe. 

    I woke up tired and feeling pain. I feel so much better right now. I love hearing this call. It is not disappointing. 

    I am supposed to be sitting still and receiving, but I find it hard to be still. Caleb just woke up. It is now 0559. Once I have completed this call, I will likely start on my homework. I know it is going to take alot of time to get it done, so I have to start as soon as I can. It takes me longer than others to process information because of my Autism. I was talking to my dad about how it is a miracle that I have made it this far in my education without any assistance. I truly thought that other people struggled with information processing as much as I do, but that is not the truth. Other people do not struggle with processing information the way that I do at all. 

    I was talking to my dad about my homework and I felt like that the instructions changed because I clearly understood the instructions the day before yesterday, but yesterday I did not understand what I was reading. The instructions did not change though. I changed. My understanding changed. I was so confused by what I was reading that I had to relearn what I had already learned, but apparently have already forgotten. This is not different from how I went through school in my early years. I spent alot of time studying because I would forget what I was doing as I was doing it. 

    Math classes and science classes were particularly hard for me. I took alot of math and science classes in high school in preparation for college. I remember taking physics and not understanding what I was reading from the textbook. I remember taking pre-calculus and missing a day due to being sick, and not being able to catch up to the class because I did not understand what I missed. I did not understand the material, and had not learned how to teach myself from the textbook yet. 

    I am going through transmission number 2 with Erica right now. The whole call is one hour long. I am really enjoying everything that is happening. Everything she is saying is directly benefitting not only me, but my household, and my home. I feel what she is saying as she says it. 

    The dogs are awake and out now.

    This is so healing. I just had my pineal gland activated. I am going to download this call and keep it for future use. I think it is a great thing to do every so often. I don't need to repeat it, but I feel like I want to. 

    I am so stuck on cleaning this house, and I am not making progress as planned. Everyday I say the same things, and things get in the way. I am so frustrated by not being able to complete the tasks on my list of things to do. I need to be walking in the mornings. It will help me lose weight faster. I know I will feel better if I give at least 30 minutes a day to walking before I start my day. Before I can do that, I need to declutter my living room and incline trainer. I keep running into roadblocks. I wanted to go through the things from the china cabinet so that I can get rid of the things that I no longer want or need, and store properly and neatly the things I want to keep. I am not making progress. I am stuck in a cycle of cleaning the kitchen because it often takes priority over the living room so I can cook dinners. 

    I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I need to stop. Breathe. Let the anxiety about it go. I need to just let the kitchen go long enough to get the living room done. Once it is done, we will only have to maintain it. It is not like the kitchen where I have to constantly keep doing things that I consider time consuming and "big" jobs. I can do this. I can do this either today or tomorrow depending on how much of my homework I get done after this call. I can do it. I know I can.

    I can't believe I am currently a graduate student. I mean, I never wanted to be a graduate student until recently. Once I completed my bachelor's degreee, I was like "I'm good." I'm good to go, you know? I am going to learn to write research papers in a scholarly manner in preparation to get my doctorate degree. I do not know how I will be able to afford the next degree yet. I have not gotten that far. I have not been applying to scholarships lately. I have been busy with everything else going on. I need to apply to as many scholarships as I can until I am no longer qualified to apply. College is expensive! 

    I just completed Erica's call. It was totally awesome! I feel like I have the power to make it through my day as I am covered in infinite divine love and light now. What a blessing it is to be able to listen to her. I feel tea tree oil fresh, like minty around me. It has a cooling effect on my body.

    I have to complete my morning routines now. It is getting light outside. It is now 0637. Then it is homework time! Be blessed my readers!

    

New Start Day 26

     It is now 0654, and I have only been out of bed for about 30 minutes or so. I am currently having the level 1 andara attunement done. I am supposed to be relaxing with my eyes closed, but I can't seem to do that, so here I am. I only took 2 hydroxyzine (anxiety medication) pills this morning. I took 3 yesterday and I think it makes me tired. Either the medication makes me tired, or the lack of anxiety makes me tired. I can't figure out which until I experiment a bit more. So today I am only taking 2 pills twice a day to see if there is enough anxiety removal and I can stay awake. I hope so! I really enjoyed not feeling my intense anxiety yesterday. I was so relaxed in my own body. So many times I am dissociating from my own body because I can't take what is going on inside it. Either it's the pain from fibromyalgia that is too much, the anxiety is too much, or the depression is too much. It sucks. I try so hard to stay grounded and centered. That's one of the main reasons I was doing Reiki in the mornings. It only works for awhile because I am sensitive. 

    I received my andara in the mail yesterday, and have placed them in the bags I get from Sage Goddess (2 bags) and have them resting on my heart, under my far infrared compression tank top. I am wearing the pendant with the clear quartz crystal pendant next to it. I slept that way. I don't know if anything happened in my sleep. I was able to sleep and stay in bed longer than usual. 

    Yesterday I did not do much. While I was able to, I worked on this week's assignment of doing research using the library. I began but did not finish, so I need to work on it more today. It consists of finding and analyzing 3 scholarly articles in 3 different topics. In week 6 I will have to write a paper. 

    I just got the final version of my "#BeastMode" chapter back to review. We will be launching soon on amazon!

    I am feeling this attunement even though I am multi-tasking right now. I am going over what I have to do in my class, and reading my chapter. I am reading my emails, but I feel a difference in my body. I feel better. This is so awesome! I am loving it!

    I've got Bella at my feet curled in a donut shape. Bubba is active this morning and chewing on things already. Caleb is still asleep. He slept in his room last night. I think the house clearing that Erica Rock did for us really helps us sleep peacefully. We are divinely protected now in a way I never thought to ask. How does she know what to say? How did she learn to do that? I might have to ask.

    I am wearing my new ring from Sage Goddess. I forget why I thought I needed it. 

    Let's see. Today I have to do what I could not do yesterday, and that is work on the laundry, work on my homework, clean the kitchen (Again), and get the stuff moved from the living room to the third bedroom. I need to clear what is on the incline trainer so I can use it when I am ready. I feel like I am ready to start walking daily. I will not push myself too hard this time. I will just leisurely walk. Any walking is better than no walking at this point. My fitbit has been tracking my steps, and I do not walk more than 1,500 steps on a normal day. That's sad. I need to intentionally walk to change that. I will see the benefits quickly, I think. I will begin to lose weight faster. I am so ready to lose more weight! I am so happy I was able to get this far already. I am glad I am sticking with Virta suggestions as to my diet. I am happy that I found what works for me during this process. It is not easy. There are so many rules and limitations to what I can eat right now, but I've already lost 40 lbs.!  That's amazing, and without exercising at all!  

    I am working on myself, and it is really showing improvements in my daily living. I hope to be more social when I figure out the best way to take this anxiety medication. I feel so good right now because the attunement for level 1 is complete and I can feel this difference it is making. Erica Rock rocks!

    Caleb just woke up. It is now 0740. It looks dark outside because of the rain, but the day is starting. I have not completed all of my morning routines yet, so I should probably get them done. 

    I feel like sitting here a little bit longer though and just enjoying this feeling of newfound freedom within my body. 

    Oh! I got the digital files of the photos taken by Linda yesterday! Let me show you.

    As you can see, I am not a good model at all! LOL I look so weird without my glasses I swear! I had to take them off due to the glare either from the sun or from the studio lighting. Some of the pictures I really like though. I had the photo shoot done because I wanted professional photos for my upcoming books that I am going to write. My bio page needed good quality photos. What do you think about the photos? Let me know!

    I've been going through some stuff lately, so it's a good thing to see myself smiling with my hair done. I did not wear makeup. I wanted to look natural. I lost my nose stud in the shower and did not notice it until I came back home. I hope to work with Linda again in the future to take photos of both me and Caleb together. Then, I want to take photos after I lose more weight too. I can't wait to be rid of this big belly of mine. 

    I went ahead and paid the medical bill I got from Wilmington Health that should have been paid by the VA. Apparently my authorization expired, and no one told me prior to my appointments. After secure messaging the nurse at the VA Women's Clinic about future authorizations, I decided to cancel my appointments with Wilmington Health endocrinology. I did not like the doctor there anyway. I let the nurse know at the Women's Clinic that my A1c was already at 6.5, and I hope to lower it even more. I will no longer be classified as diabetic soon, and will no longer need diabetic specialty care. I also mentioned that Virta sends me for labs on a regular basis to monitor my progress, and so I have no concerns over that part. The nurse at the Women's Clinic, I forget her name, was supportive of my decision, so I made the call to cancel both the labs and the office visit. I hope to never see that doctor again. Ever!

    Now I have to figure out how to go about my day. I don't know what to do first. I know I need to complete my morning routines. I hope I don't need to go out for anything today. That is so time consuming and when I get home I am so tired. I don't have any appointments today, so I am free from that. I only have until Sunday to get both my assignment and quiz completed, but I think I would feel better if I got some cleaning around here done first. I feel like it's a good day to light candles and incense. 

    Christinia got her box ! She loved it, I think! I hope I made her day. I know she is struggling with some things right now, and I can't be there for her because my things are too much for me right now. I hope by sending her a care package that she knows I care even when I am not immediately available, and that I think about her and hope she figures things out. 

    I've got to get going. It's already 0810. Be blessed my readers!