It is now 0130 and I have been up for about 20 minutes. I went ahead and started logging in my time spent on meditation and energy transmissions in my planner so I can keep up with everything that I am doing in the mornings. It will be interesting to see what the difference is in about a month. Should be some good changes by then.
I had to get up out of bed. The dogs were pushing me off the bed, and I was fighting to retake my position so I could lay down on my back and sleep. Once I got back into position from my side, my back hurt. So, whatever. I wanted a Dew anyway. I was trying to stay in bed until my alarm goes off at 0700. Oh well. I can't win them everyday! I was just so tired yesterday. I wanted to make sure I was getting enough rest so I would not feel like that today. I have things I have to do. I hate when I can't get my jobs done. I was truly exhausted yesterday and in pain all over. I think I was having a fibromyalgia flare up.
Yesterday Caleb woke me up. I went back to bed after taking a shower, getting dressed and having nothing else to do at 0400. Caleb woke me up around 0630 because his chest was hurting when he was trying to drink water or something. He wanted to go to the Emergency room. So, we did after I woke up, and tried to figure out if it needed him to go the ER. He could not take his medications because it hurt to swallow. I tried to call my dad to get Dona Sharon's advice before going to the ER, but he did not answer his phone. I think he was still sleeping.
We went to the ER, and we were treated kindly by all the staff. Caleb had labs taken, an ekg, and a chest x-ray done. He was sent home after taking a GI medication cocktail of 3 different liquid medications mixed. He was ok when he drank it. His chest was not hurting.
On the way home, Caleb asked to go to Walmart to buy some food. We went shopping at Walmart and then went home. I was tired when we got home. I remember going to lay down around 1030. I had my Trauma and Abuse clearing appointment with Erica Rock at 1230. I slept through half the energy transmission, and was still in bed for the other half. I was supposed to be resting in bed for the appointment, so it was no big deal. Actually it was probably better for me to receive the transmission because I was trying to relax. Erica sent me the audio from the session after the appointment was over, and I decided to listen to it immediately. It was an hour long.
I got a response from my professor so now I understand what I am supposed to turn in this week.
I did not do much else. I should have expected that, though, because it is common for me to feel like the life has been drained from me on days I take a shower. I took a hot shower after blogging yesterday morning, and chose to wear some new clothes from Maurice's and Torrid in smaller sizes. I am wearing a size 2x Maurice's shirt , and a size 2 Torrid leggings! Both are smaller than what I have been wearing, and I am comfortable!
I am listening to the Lightbody Activation right now.
Today I waiting for my direct deposit to be deposited so I can pay some of my bills. I don't feel the pains I was feeling yesterday. It's like, yeah, it feels good to be fresh and clean, but on the other hand, I feel like death walking afterward sooo...
I had my call with coach Brandi yesterday morning too. It went well. We talked in a way that I can't talk to her in the group call because there just isn't the time, and it wouldn't be appropriate with everybody else there. I felt heard. She is an awesome person to know.
I just took my medications. I am trying one hydroxyzine in the morning with a Stress blend herbal supplement that includes Ashwagandha in it today. I don't have any appointments today, so my day is open to get my work done. I never did catch up on my laundry. I want to cook tonight, so I have to clean the kitchen up a bit. I bought ingredients to make my "taco fajitas." I cook ground beef with taco seasoning, then add tri-color bell peppers and yellow onions to the mix. I like to eat mine like a taco fajita salad. I have romaine lettuce, red leaf lettuce, green leaf lettuce, and 50/50 Spring Mix. I use a little bit of all of those then add the taco fajita mix on top with some shredded sharp cheddar cheese, sour cream, and maybe guacamole. Yummy!
I am listening to track 6 of the Unlimited Abundance program right now. I need to spend some time on my homework today. Tomorrow I take Bubba to the vet for his weigh-in and meds refills. Tomorrow is also the launch of "#BeastMode", an anthology by Sheila Farr which I contributed to.
I am listening to The Gift of Divine Grace now by Erica Rock, of course!
I guess my dad had a bad day yesterday. He is struggling with staying awake during the day. He takes medications that make him sleepy and he ends up sleeping all day. He has work he needs to do to improve his living situation, and can't do it if he is sleeping during regular business hours. The other thing he is struggling with is that Dona Sharon sleeps all day too. She is not able to drive him where he needs to go on a regular basis and he is constantly having to ask strangers for rides to run his errands. They are currently living at a Motel 8 in Lumberton, NC, not the best place to call home. I feel bad, but I did not put him there. I tried multiple times to have them live with me, and I just can't do that anymore. I have to protect my space. I have to protect Caleb.
My dad needs someone to administer his medications because he is blind. He can't drive for obvious reasons. He can't do his own paperwork by himself.... he just needs so much help right now. I am staying at a distance because I can't get involved. I have to remain separate, and keep my boundaries, no matter how much I want to help. Every time I get involved, I regret it. I'm not doing that to myself anymore. I'm not doing that to Caleb anymore. I was not the one who abused Caleb. He was. Has he forgotten that he choked Caleb when he was 10 years old? We haven't forgotten.
Yesterday he said something to the effect of "I just can't believe that Caleb's father can deny him. I mean I am not his father, I am his grandfather and I care and am more involved." Ok, I know I told my dad multiple times that I did not have a relationship with Caleb's biological father. I know I told him at least once that I was raped while intoxicated by someone I had just met, and never saw again. Did he forget?
He brought up my past relationships for inspection yesterday, and if I did not have the protection surrounding me that I do, I could have been really hurt by what was said. I remained distant. His opinions have little to do with my reality. I don't have to explain that 20 year olds and teenagers make bad decisions. I'm no different in that respect. I don't have to reveal to him anything I don't want to. I didn't continue the conversation. It's not up for discussion. Maybe he should inspect his own decisions more closely instead.
Part of how I feel abused by my dad is his speaking to me about topics that I don't bring up, he brings up, and directing my attention to all my bad choices. I am not making the same choices today, so why do I have to endure what feels like abuse? It's my life. I did the best I could with the information that I had at the time.
He oversteps my boundaries. I need to enforce my boundaries. How do I talk about this with my dad? I don't want an argument. I want to be respected. How should I handle this? Like "Dad I don't like it when you..." or "I feel like you overstep my boundaries when you..."
I guess that could work, because it has to stop if I am to continue talking to him. Otherwise I have to stop talking to him because I walk away feeling physically beaten when conversations like these happen.
I just finished the Gift of Divine Grace recording. I am getting tired again. I think I will go rest for a bit since Caleb is still sleeping, and I am not ready to do my homework. Be blessed my readers!
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