Saturday, August 6, 2022

New Start Day 11

     It is now 0413, and I have been awake since 0300. Yesterday I had a time with Caleb. It seems like everyday there has to be an argument. I told him I needed the dishwasher emptied, and he told me no. The conversation quickly went South, although I maintained my composure and inner peace. Being a parent to an Autistic teenager with ADHD is hard! I can't wait to learn some new training skills for him from Capella University. I technically don't start class until Monday, but the professor has already sent me an email introducing herself. So, yesterday I went ahead and did what was asked of me as far as preparing for class. I introduced myself to the class, went through the policies and procedures... that type of thing. 

    Yesterday I woke up at 0100, and stayed up until 1030. I spent the time awake catching up on the Unleash Your Life class video that I missed on Monday, and the following videos that I missed during the week. I'm all caught up now! Man that was an investment in my time! The class is 2 hours long! If I had not woken up so early, I might not have been able to catch up. I made my own video by going Live on Facebook for the first time, in response to the class video I watched. My hair was a mess, and my teeth were black. I did not give a fuck. I was there on a mission. Mission complete. 

    I have a problem with my teeth turning black from all the sweet sugar-free black tea I drink throughout the day. I drink a gallon a day. It's not like it's just a cup of tea here and there. I drink so much because it masks the taste of all the medications and supplements I take in morning and in the evening. 

    Anyway, I did get through to Caleb, and he finally unloaded the dishwasher. I said "See? It took about 5 minutes!" And he replied, "It took less than 5 minutes!" All that drama over something tiny, and for no reason. 

    In his attempt to convince me that he was cooking his food and could not put away the dishes, he opened the air fryer and pulled out his chimichanga while it was hot. I told him it would be hot, and he did not listen. He picked it up and immediately threw it in the trash can by accident... because it was too hot to handle.

    I don't remember being so argumentative in my teenage years. I don't know if it's hormones or what. He definitely has a need to control situations, and that needs to change because he is not in control of me, my decisions, or the decisions of the household, and I told him that. 

    I got alot of computer work done yesterday, but not alot of housework. My goal was to clean all day, but I needed a nap at around 1030. I rested for a few hours before I got back up. When I got up, I did not feel like doing work, and was sluggish. We went to Food Lion so I could buy some ingredients to make my own salad at home. The decision was between buying ingredients for a salad at Food Lion, or buying a salad from the salad bar at Lowe's Foods. I was tired and did not want to drive all that way to Lowe's Foods. I also did not want to spend $18 on one meal. So I decided to go to Food Lion which is closer, and the benefit of having the ingredients is that it lasts more than one meal, and is overall cheaper. 

    I am low on money right now. The budget is tight. I will have to use my credit cards to buy anything in the future. I will get a refund from Capella at some point after my tuition and fees are paid, but until then it's going to be a struggle. I was thinking, I can't wait to pay off the Ignite Your Light program. I am on a 12 month payment plan for that, and it was not cheap. Once I pay that off, I will have money every month again, and will not be so tight on funds for groceries, gas, and needs. 

    I went and looked where I could reduce costs, but there is nowhere in my budget where I am going to get relief. I am working on paying down my credit cards again, but it takes time. I have no way to make extra money right now, so I have to wait on the money that does come into the house every month to make the payments I can afford. 

    I felt the need to sage the house, and burn Palo Santo too yesterday. When I was doing my self-Reiki session in the morning, I "saw" with my eyes closed a shadow passing in front of me. When I opened my eyes, I expected to see Caleb standing in front of me, but he was not there. He was not even awake at that time. I do not know what caused the darkness to pass in front of my closed eyes, but it did not cause an emotional response either. I was not scared of it. I did not feel in danger in any way. Later on when Caleb woke up and was walking down the hallway, he said he felt a cold spot out of nowhere. The dogs were barking at the front of the hallway at what to my eyes was a big nothing but air. I do not know what this means. I have a feeling I attract shit that I don't understand. I saged and burned Palo Santo for a good while, and banished all evil from my house, invited Holy angels to guide and protect the house, and asked Archangel Michael to protect us in Jesus' name. That was the best thing I could think of at the time. 

    I wonder what is taking so long to get Jamie McCurry to take a DNA test. I will have to follow up on that on Monday. I need child support so badly.

    I am letting go of the idea that the entire house will be deep cleaned before my Reiki Master class on Sunday. I will do that best I can do today, and let the rest wait until I have more time and energy to give to it. That's the best I can offer right now. I cannot keep stressing about things that are not in my control. I am not a superwoman or other comic book hero. I am human with disabilities and I need to respect myself more. I need to accept that I can only do what I can do. I need to scale back my expectations by alot, so that I do not beat myself up when I do not make it to the end of my high expectations all the time. I am not the same person I was when I was younger. I have alot more health problems right now than I ever did before. Fibromyalgia can easily kick my ass! 

    I wish I could afford a house cleaning service to come every week to do the things that I am struggling to do. One day. One day I will have the money to support the way I have to live. 

    I just got the book ready chapter for "Clinging to the Vine" this morning. I hope readers like it and respond to it with kindness. I hope people can relate. I am getting so many hateful comments on my Facebook Business Page because I bought ad space. I don't understand the ignorance of people. I pay to run ads, and they are mad because the ads appear on their page. Well, i did not personally put the ad there, you know? I paid Facebook to increase my page's visibility. There are just alot of angry people in the world. I had to deal with more than 50 people making evil comments to my page because it showed up in their newsfeed.  

    This week I have alot going on. First of all, I have a whole day of Reiki Master training on Sunday. I am happy to spend time with other classmates, and of course Michal, but I hate whole day trainings. I can't sit still for long, although this chair is so much better than my old gaming chair. I want to vape all the time, and I can't do that on camera. I have Caleb here with me and he wants to ask questions at the most inopportune times. I have dogs to care for throughout the day. I wonder if we will have a lunch break and time to stretch it out. I'm sure we will. It's just a big block of time that I am investing all at once, and I have so much other stuff going on in my head.

    Monday my class with Capella officially starts. 

    I have therapy in the morning by video call. It might be my last appointment with Dr. Van Horn. Because of my memory issues, I cannot remember my last appointments when she asks me about them. I don't remember what we talked about or what I was supposed to do. The therapy she is trying to go over with me is Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) which requires a person to make conscious decisions regarding what they are thinking all the time, but especially when emotions like anxiety occur, or symptoms from depression or PTSD occur. I never remember to do what she told me to try to do. So that's a problem with this therapy for me. It won't work if I don't apply it. I have to remember to apply it, and then apply it for it to work. My memory is bad and the last thing on my mind when I am stressing out is "hmm. what was my first thought before I stressed out?" It just isn't going to work for me. I feel things so strongly and so quickly, there is not time to sit with it and think about why. I can do it after I calm down, maybe, if I can remember. I can't do it in the moment because I am usually reacting to some trauma.  It's frustrating.

    Then Monday night I have the Unleash Your Life class. That's a late night for me as it starts after my normal bedtime of 1830. It starts at 1900 and runs for 2 hours. 

    On Tuesday I have a dental appointment for a cleaning, in Wilmington. 

    On Wednesday, Caleb has his psychiatrist appointment followed by his therapy appointment.

    Thursday I have my psychological evaluation testing session which will last about 2 hours. Then that evening I have the Reiki Master graduation!

    Friday I don't have an appointments but will likely need to rest after the week I'm about to have. 

    I am supposed to give about 10-12 hours for studying throughout the week, and already have deadlines to meet. I will have to fit that into my schedule somehow. 

    I still have all my chores to take care of and grocery shopping and such. 

    All the chapters I was working on have been submitted for editing. I am not taking on any more writing adventures for awhile to reduce my workload and anxiety about meeting deadlines. I asked Sheila how much it would cost for her to mentor me to write and publish my own book. I hope it is not as expensive as I think. 

    I am doing better on my diet. My sugar is remaining stable at below the 120 mark. I am not falling low yet. It will not be time to reduce my diabetic medications this month. I don't feel like I am losing weight because of the scale readings, but I am unsure. They say it takes a ketone level of 0.5 to be in nutritional ketosis, and I have only been at 0.4 lately. I don't know why I am falling short. I am trying to examine it now. I want to lose more than 100lbs still. I want to start exercising but need the space in the living room cleared first. I also need the incline trainer to be cleared off and we have not gotten that far yet. I have not been doing my physical therapy exercises like I wanted. I am just too lazy when I get into bed. I am so tired that I don't want to do anything but sleep. The exercises are meant to be done laying down, so I have to do them in bed for me to be effective. I haven't worked it out yet.

    Donna doesn't want Caleb calling Gage anymore until his chores are done. I agree. I don't want him wasting time on the phone and playing video games when he should be cleaning his room. He has wasted so much time in this past week on video games. I told him yesterday that just because I need to rest and take a break does not mean he should be wasting time on video games. We could have gotten alot further if he had done the chores on his list! I literally have to supervise everything I tell this boy to do, or it won't get done to standard. It will be half-assed if done at all. It's frustrating because I could be doing other things if I could trust him to do his own work. 

    Speaking of which, Caleb starts homeschooling soon too. I have not yet created my lesson plan. I have to collect the books from the shelves that I want to reference and teach from, and create a time-limited plan, that allows for breaks. I prayed for 3 things last night before I went to bed. I thought to God, "Please give me patience, rest, and strength." Like for real. I need these things on a daily basis if I want to succeed. Caleb requires alot of patience. I require alot of rest. I need alot of strength to work through the things challenges that get in our way. I don't want to give up, but sometimes... Sometimes, I just want to quit. 

    I talk to my dad everyday, multiple times a day. He gives me someone to talk to throughout the day on a regular basis. It's easier to call him than it is to call people who I know work during the week. It's like I don't want to bother them. I don't want to call people. I figure if they know me well, they will read my blog to get the answers about what is going in my life. If they don't know me well, they probably don't care about what's going on in my life. It would be easier if I had more friends to talk to and laugh with. It would reduce my stress levels by alot. But again, I don't want to feel like I am intruding on someone else's time when they work, and I don't.

    I stress about my life alot. I am in chronic anxiety. I have a medication to take for anxiety as it occurs, but I don't want to start taking another medication if I don't absolutely have to. I am using my Alpha-Stim at night before I fall asleep. I do my Reiki in the mornings before I do get started on my day. Those things help alot. I need a therapist to talk to and I need to make use of Coach Brandi and Coach Nick. I do not think I have Coach Nick's phone number in my phone. It would be helpful to have some one on one conversations with them both. 

    I need to take care of myself better. I am learning to rest as I need it. I do not know why I wake up so early and just feel like it's the best time to get my stuff done. For instance, yesterday I had to update my biomarkers spreadsheet for my appointment with Dr. Kent coming up soon. I had to review my budget spreadsheet to see if there was anyway to reduce the bills we have coming up. I had to catch up on a 2 hour long video. I had to respond to that video with my own take on what I saw. You know? I just have other stuff to do that requires silence and concentration. I can't concentrate with Caleb interrupting, listening to music, playing video games, or watching a movie.  I need silence to get my thoughts out. I need silence to read my books. I just need this time to get myself together. 

    I need to take a shower today and take care of my body. I want to wash away all that does not serve my greatest and highest good with the bubbles from the soap in the shower. I'm dying because I haven't tried to brush my hair since Monday. It's been in a curly messy bun all week. I'm sure there are some knots. Thank God I have hair oils and conditioners to use that work for curly hair!

    When I look at the messes that Caleb creates, it just makes me tired to think of the work it's  going to take to clean that shit up. If I want it done quickly and properly, I have to do it myself. But I can't do it myself because I am training Caleb to take care of his own messes, which means there will be attitudes and arguments over dumb shit. I wish parenting was easier for me.  

    I need to clean out my shed, but it is too hot outside during the day to get it done right now. I have to wait for cooler temperatures outside to be able to withstand the heat inside the shed to be able to get my work done. 

    It is now 0545, and I have to do the rest of morning routines. I need a shower badly. I have not showered since Monday. I cannot take showers daily like I use to because of the effect it has on me. It makes me feel like the energy has been sucked out of my body and I am no longer able to function. I need rest after a good hot shower. It can be overwhelming and stressful to try to get dressed by myself. I need   Caleb to help me put on my Far Infrared compression tank top that I wear under my clothes. It has gotten easier to put on my socks by myself since I lost weight. It's just too much for me to process as a whole for me to do it everyday. 

    I made it to Saturday! Let's hope I can make the most out if it, without any pains. Be blessed my readers! 

 


    

     

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