It is now 0109 and I have been awake for more than an hour. I have been working on my graduate studies. I have research that has to be completed by Sunday at midnight. Yesterday I found article number 2. This morning I found article number 3. Finding the right article to fit the requirements is the hard part. Once I figure out that I have a good article to use, the rest is just answering the questions on the worksheet. I have most of the worksheet filled out now, so I am taking a break from that for a little while. I just woke up and felt like I'm ready to get some homework done, so I got out of bed.
I just finished listening to Erica Rock's "Silence" audio file from her mini course. It will be interesting to listen to it again when I need it. The idea is to silence the chatter in the mind. Of course I was working on my homework at the same time I was listening, so I may not have gotten the full reach of the audio, but I feel better. I feel like maybe I let some things go.
Yesterday I spent my waking hours working on homework. I tried to get my printer to work properly unsuccessfully and decided to go to the Shallotte Walmart to buy the new printer I wanted. They didn't have the one in stock that I was prepared to buy, so I bought a cheaper one. I am happy with my purchase so far. It is printing in the quality I need, and I didn't spend nearly as much as I would have otherwise!
I am listening to the level 3 andara attunement now. Going to Walmart was tiring. I worked a little more on my homework before quitting for the day. I just ate some cucumbers and jalapeno artichoke dip with a side of cherry peppers stuffed with cheese and prosciutto for dinner. Just enough to take my meds. I had no energy to cook dinner. I really wanted a salad but had no energy to clean up and prepare it. I am doubting my ability to take 2 core courses at the same time. This assignment has taken so much time, I do not know if I could do two at the same time. I might have to slow down my progress so that I do not get overworked or overwhelmed with assignments. I have to keep in mind that these are graduate level classes and not the same as undergraduate classes. The assignments are way more taxing and time consuming.
I will probably go back to sleep here in a little while. Today I just need to finish my assignment for week 3 and complete the quiz. I hope the quiz is easy. That's all I'm focused on today.
I haven't been practicing Reiki daily. Instead I have been listening to the Erica Rock audio files. They are more efficient at transmitting good energy than the Reiki so I don't mind.
I don't have anyone to talk to on a regular basis. Coach Brandi offered to schedule a weekly session to help me through some things, but she never actually did schedule with me. Something emotional came up for her last week, and I do not know how she is doing since then.
The only person I can call whenever I want to talk is my dad. I don't have any friends I can call and chat with everyday. It's an important thing for me. I am in my house most days that I do not have appointments. When I do have appointments, well, those people are not my friends, and it is not the same thing. I am socially isolated. I write this blog so I don't have all these things in my head running around all the time. I have no one to have a conversation with. I'm not sure how different my life is from the normal person, but I know it is different. I think it's mostly because I am a disabled veteran and don't have a job. Most people my age with my background have jobs, I think. That's the biggest difference. Then, I am not married, engaged, or even dating. That's another big difference. On top of that, my siblings have all blocked communication from me. I wouldn't be surprised if my mom did too. I don't go out and socialize to meet new people.
I am focusing on my growth and healing first and foremost. Caleb's growth and healing is second. It takes alot of my time and energy to get better with every day. I am slowly losing weight by staying on my keto diet. My blood pressure is now back to normal range. I am working on getting my anxiety under control. I am giving daily time to my spiritual growth and understanding. I am pursuing a higher education than most people. I am making sure Caleb takes his medications and makes it to his appointments as much as possible. I have prepared for Caleb's homeschooling this year. We are working together to straighten out our living environments.
I am learning to love and let go. I am finding peace with Erica Rock's words each morning. I am increasing my light quotient every day now. My home is now protected. My being is now protected. I am healing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. The more I heal, the better parent I can be to Caleb. The more I learn, the more I can teach Caleb.
It is almost 0200 now. Maybe I should take my medications? Hmmm.... I don't know that seems kind of early.
I am starting the book, "Emotional Inflammation" over. It is my new toilet book. I read while I go. It's efficient quiet time use.
I am now level 3 andara attuned!
Caleb has been having irritable bowel syndrome-like symptoms. I think he has a high metabolism and fast digestive processes, but he complains that he feels sick alot. I wonder why that is. He has his annual physical coming up on Monday so I am going to bring it up to his doctor.
Caleb helped me yesterday by removing the recycling from the porch. He moved as much as could fit in the recycling bin. He then picked up the things in the hallway for me. He also started the dryer when asked. He wanted to earn a wireless mouse for his computer so he had some motivation to not argue.
I'm getting tired so I'm going to go rest for a bit more.
I'm back. It's now 0825. I just took my medications, gave Caleb his medications, and ate some ham and cheese. I'm relistening to Erica Rock's August tele-call. I feel so strongly attracted to her energy. I know I am being more "impulsive" like my VA psych eval says because I am going all in all of a sudden. It's not every day that I cross paths with another crystal-lover who works with energy. I really love listening and watching her. It's so positive without being anything like church. I just don't belong in church. I don't feel welcome there. I want to be more like Erica. I want to share light with the world too.
I'm thinking harder about pushing the pause button on my graduate studies. I don't think I have the energy I need to take 2 classes at the same time AND take care of everything going on in my life. Homeschooling Caleb is time consuming and energy draining. The next 2 classes will have required weekly video calls that last 2 hours each. I just can't manage it all. I don't want to live the next 18 months in stress mode because I committed to doing more than I can handle. I thought about just taking one class at a time, but if this introductory class is any indication of what is required of me, I know I don't consistently have the time and energy to do them. I also came to the conclusion that I could just purchase an ABA for Autism workbook or parent's guide and come out with the information I need in less time and with less debt. I'm just struggling right now, and it's only week 3 in the introductory course. This is not even studying the actual material yet. I am just supposed to be learning how to use the digital library right now. I think I have a problem with understanding language. Actually, I know I do. It makes me take alot longer to figure out what I'm supposed to do and understand how to do it. Then, as I was working on this week's research assignment, I had to flip through like 8 different windows over and over again. It really impacted me negatively. It made me feel sick. As convenient as it is to go to school online, I don't think I can manage it for 18 months. I don't think this is for me. I can do the discussions. I can do the daily quizzes now. I can do the weekly quizzes ok, but I have alot of test anxiety regardless of the test I am taking. Being in school again is too stressful for me and after I finish this class I think I will withdraw. I need to get Caleb homeschooled. That is my priority. I do not want me going to school to get in the way of me teaching him what he needs to know to be a successful student and adult.
I don't want to be in debt, even if it is from going to college. I am glad I tried to go to school for my Master's degree, but I no longer want to put myself through this. When I went to UNCW for my Bachelor's degree in Science of Business Administration with a concentration in Operations Management, Caleb went to daycare. I had about 40 hours a week of time where I knew Caleb was safe and cared for without my supervision. I no longer have that going on as Caleb is now 13 years old and being homeschooled. There are not enough hours in the day to get all the things done. I am already struggling to get my house cleaned up, and I'm only taking one class and Caleb has not started homeschooling yet. I'm juggling too many commitments to continue this path. I will not force myself into this program. I feel the resistance, and I am acknowledging it and changing my path.
I will not be able to work any time in the near future. Becoming a Board Certified Behavior Analyst requires something like 3,000 hours of supervised work. I cannot use my Master's degree professionally without becoming board certified, which means I will have invested all this time, money, and energy into something I will not profit from. So there's that. I was willing to go ahead with that in mind to be able to help Caleb at home. There are other ways to get information and education. I personally love books. I have recently invested in some Autism Parenting books that will shed some light on how both Caleb and I work.
It's better that I withdraw knowing all of these things than to continue like I'm not bothered and affected and fail the next 2 classes and have that on my record. It's disappointing that I have to withdraw after this class. I know myself though. I know what I can and can't do. I had no idea how hard taking these courses would be for me before I started. My dad is going to try to talk me out of withdrawing. He is going to be disappointed that I have to quit too. I have thoroughly considered the options I have though, and this is what is right for me right now.
It is now 0917. I am listening to Erica Rock's August tele-call still. I need to finish my week 3 assignment. I just have to complete the worksheet, and I was filling it in as I read the articles after I found the right ones, so there is not alot left. Then I have to complete this week's quiz and then I can relax on school until tomorrow.
I'm going to get some laundry started, give Caleb a task to do, and do my homework. Be blessed my readers!
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