More from the book, I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide To Autism Spectrum Disorder Diagnosis And Self Discovery For Adults.
“A2: Difficulties with nonverbal communication:”
1. “Do you have trouble coordinating eye contact and
gestures or other body language during conversation?”
Yes
2. “Have you been told that your facial expressions are inappropriate
for the situation or do not match your feelings?”
Yes
3. “Have others told you that your facial expressions often
look angry, depressed or blank, even when you don’t feel that way?”
Yes
4. “Have you been told that you stare at people
inappropriately?”
No
5. “Do you have difficulty smiling for photos or otherwise
putting on an appropriate facial expression “on demand”?”
Yes
6. “Do you find making eye contact uncomfortable, difficult
or even painful?”
Yes
7. “When talking with others, do you tend to look or face
away from them under certain conditions, such as when you’re thinking or when
the conversation becomes emotionally intense?”
Yes
8. “Have you been told that you often speak too loudly, too
softly or too quickly to be easily understood?"
No
9. “Do you find yourself imitating the accents or speech
patterns of the person you are talking to?”
Yes
10. “Have you been told that your speech is flat or
monotonous?’
Yes
11. “Have others described you as cold, detached, or bored
when you weren’t feeling that way?”
No
12. “Do you have difficulty reading other people’s facial
expressions or body language?”
Yes
13. “Do you have difficulty recognizing sarcasm?”
Yes
“A3. Difficulties with relationships:”
1. “Do you find it difficult to judge how another person is
feeling about you?”
Yes
2. “Do you have trouble judging how another person is
reacting to your words or actions?”
Yes
3. “Do you often miss social cues that others seem to easily
understand?”
Yes
4. “Do you laugh or smile at the wrong time?’
Yes
5. “Have you been told that you’re aloof, withdrawn, or in
your own world?”
No
6. “Do you have lower than average need for social
interaction?”
Yes
7. “Do you often prefer solitary activities or spending time
alone?”
Yes
8. “Do you find interacting with people who are much younger
or much older than you easier than interacting with your same-age peers?”
Yes
9. “Do you find it difficult to make new friends?”
Yes
10. “Do you struggle with maintaining friendships?”
Yes
11. “Do you prefer to just have one or two close friends at
a time?”
Yes
12. “Do you wish you had more friends but don’t know how to
establish friendships?”
Yes
13. “Do you have distant or strained relationships with
family members, especially for reasons that you find hard to understand?”
Yes
14. “Do you find it hard to tell if someone is teasing or
mocking you?”
Sometimes
15. “Do you have trouble figuring out when someone wants you
to do something if they don’t specifically tell you? (example: saying they’re
cold and wanting you to offer them a blanket or a sweater)”
Yes
16. “Do you prefer one-on-one interaction over group interaction?”
Yes
17. “Do you sometimes avoid or ignore people who want to
interact with you?”
Yes
18. “Do you find it hard to understand the unwritten rules
of social interaction?”
Yes
19. “Do you rely on scripted speech or imitating others in
social situations?”
Yes
20. “Do you feel you have difficulty reacting in expected
ways to another person’s distress?”
Yes
21. “Do you find it hard to judge when it’s okay to join in
a group activity or conversation?”
Yes
22. “Do others tell you that you’re insensitive or that you
don’t seem to notice their feelings?”
No
23. “Do others call you selfish because you only seem to be
thinking of yourself in certain situations?’
Sometimes
24. “Are you often surprised when another person tells you
what they were thinking after you’ve had a misunderstanding?”
Yes
So that's just 2 more sections of the questionnaire that is in the book. I'm hoping that by answering these questions on my blog, that people might be able to understand me better.
It is 0623 now. Caleb and I have been awake since about 0430. We got up and took our medications. I had to reply to Cindy about the book, "Return To Me" that I wrote a chapter for. I have to write another chapter as the one I submitted is very much like what I wrote in "Let Go or Be Dragged." Sucks because now I am in school again, and I am trying to juggle all these things, and the last thing I needed was to have more work put on my plate. I might just quit the book, and move on. I don't know if I can write a whole chapter before Friday. I probably could ... but I can't even figure what to write about! Ugh!
Yesterday was hard on me because I kept getting dizzy and almost falling as I was trying to walk. I don't know what happened to cause that but I hated it. I wanted to clean up the living room more than I did. I will work on it again today. I am making progress. I cleared off the kitchen island yesterday morning, figuring Caleb was never going to do it like I asked. Looks so much better with just my candles, gargoyles, Gaia, and incense there. My altar space! I need to put together a crystal grid soon.
I made progress on the laundry. I am still collecting dirty laundry from everywhere to be able to wash it. Caleb can be such a slob! I got most of the drinks in an organized fashion. I reorganized the dogs' chests of drawers to put everything away in an organized manner. I got rid of alor of trash that was just everywhere. I am almost to the point where the floor can be shop vac'd by Caleb, so I can go behind him and pet vac the carpet before using the carpet cleaner. I got Caleb to move the brand new dog crate to the third bedroom for now. That thing is alot bigger than I expected! I was burning candles and Temple of India incense while I was working. I made the mistake of adding clementine essential oil to one of the candles that was burning. I made the fire really burn! I was not expecting that. I just expected to it to dissolve into the wax and smell good. That is not what happened. I have to remember to never do that again!
I wasn't feeling well for the whole day practically. I had to rest alot because even just walking to the bathroom was dangerous. If I fall, I might not be able to get back up.
I had the Unleash Your Life group zoom last night. I felt like shit and I wanted to go to sleep, but I made it through all 2 hours! I ended up crying. I was responding to the question, "What is your big dream?" My "big dream" right now is to be healthy. Every day I have something I have to deal with in regards to my health. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could love my life. I am truly privileged. I am truly blessed. I feel like I can't enjoy my blessings because I have health problems all of the time. I don't know how much of my health issues are within my control, but Ashley volunteered to give me some assistance through educating me on health things, and Brian offered to meet outside of group to teach me a breathing technique to help me feel "bliss."
I went ahead and purchased the new bookcase for my new books. I don't want them staying in boxes where I can't see them. I am still reading the book about habits, but I haven't really touched the "Smart Couples Finish Rich." I started reading "Protect Your Light,"by George Lizos. I want to read all these books! I am so happy to have a book collection to read for the foreseeable future! I want to give Caleb the love of reading. We were supposed to sit down together and schedule some things yesterday, but I wasn't in good enough health to get things done.
I have been practicing my Reiki every morning. It seems to help me start my day. I was able to include Reiki for my family yesterday, whereas I usually struggle to focus that long. I am not required to focus because I am not creating the Reiki, the Reiki already exists. I just feel like I have to focus my thoughts to stay connected and direct the Reiki to where I want it go. I could be wrong. I mean the Reiki knows already, I guess. I am still learning.
I think I get paid today, which means I have to pay the bills. Most of them I can pay online, but I go to the Town Hall to pay the water bill in person to avoid being charged a fee for paying online. I'm cutting it close this month. I'm actually working on a deficit because of all the losses of sources of income recently. Sucks big time. I have to find a way to make money so I can pay my bills down. I can't work a job, so it makes more difficult for me to try to figure out what I can do. I tried selling the books I contributed to, but I have never been a good salesperson.
I don't think I have any appointments today which means I can work on my homework, get Caleb oriented to how things are going to be done this school year, and get some more cleaning done. I need to figure out dinner because I am getting tired of eating lunchmeat to just get by and not be hungry.
I applied for a Home Equity Line of Credit, but I don't know if I am going to get it. I am trying to keep my debts as low as possible. I am also trying to source low interest rate funding to be able to carry us until things get sorted out. I applied for all those scholarships and did not win one! SMDH I can't give up thought because any free money is better than no free money!
I have Harry Potter playing in the background this morning.
I wonder what Mathew is doing this morning. Hmm.. Probably PT in the morning, a little breakfast with some coffee, a hot shower, and currently getting ready for work. He might be on his way to the office already. I wonder what he does on a daily basis. He is a Warrant officer now, so I'm sure his responsibilities are different than when he was a Sergeant First Class. I wonder if he kept the F-bomb I gave him for his desk. I wonder if he thinks about me at all. I wonder how his kids are doing. I wished his wife a Happy Mother's Day, but she ignored me. Mathew's birthday is coming up. He will be 38 this year. Seems a little old to be cutting me out of his and his family's lives over Trump. It is what it is though. I can't change his mind, I guess. I thought I would grow old with Mathew. I wish we could laugh and get over our differences. I spent the first 18 of my years with him. That is not going to ever go away. I cried when I thought he was going to die in Afghanistan after his friend died in an accident. I cried hard too. I cried so hard my chest was hurting. I was at Ft. Sam Houston, TX at the time, and I was studying to become a Combat Medic. How awful it was for me to think that I was getting trained to save lives, but was not in a position to save my own brother's life. I couldn't bear it. I don't think he knows about that.
I never really had relationships with Eric or Sherri because of my mom's absence in my life. My dad talks about how she was not the same person he married when they got divorced. He fails to understand the rationale behind her decisions because we don't have those answers. He cannot see through her eyes at the time because he can't talk to her and just ask her what the Hell happened. He wonders alot about what happened in his absence when he was in Korea. He talks about it everyday. Every day I talk to my dad he brings up my mom and her decisions to leave him for a federal felon who was kicked out of the Army for drugs. He also brings up that she kidnapped me and Mathew and took us to Minnesota and what it took for him to get us back, and that he could have put her in jail for disobeying court orders. He talks about how she declared she was making minimum wage on her child support papers so she wouldn't have to support her first 2 children, even though she was Chief Financial Officer of the family furniture business and living a wealthy lifestyle. I can't support Caleb with only $125-$150 a month. I can't even feed him 3 meals a deal on that! Apparently, that is what she was paying in child support per child. SMDH
I feel bad for Caleb. He can't visit any of his cousins. He doesn't even know Eric and Sherri. Hell, I don't even know their spouses! I wish things were different. I'm not going to stop blogging though, so I guess they can all kiss my fat, white ASS.
My dad keeps talking about Caleb going into the military. Caleb is currently disqualified from service due to his diagnoses. He might see that as a negative thing, but Caleb has other options. He can go to the local community college and transfer to a 4 year college or university afterwards. I think he will qualify for scholarships based on my veteran status and disability rating. I could be wrong, but I don't think that I am. I have to get Caleb ready to sit for the S.A.T. He also has to take the G.E.D. test in order to be able to enroll in higher education. I have alot of work to do to get him prepared properly.
I had a talk with Caleb about how things are yesterday. He did not want to unload the dishwasher. He wanted to clean his knife, make tea, and drink tea and who knows what else he would have come up with. I was getting frustrated because it takes Caleb less than 5 minutes to unload the dishwasher and he was dragging it on. I got upset that I had to clean off the kitchen island behind him too. He left his food trash, toys, books, cans of soda, dirty dishes and everything there! Like why? The dishes go in the sink! The trash goes in the trash can! The books go in his room, along with the toys. Why is this so hard for him to do? Why do I have to clean up after him? Why? He is 13. He should be able to clean up after himself. He should want things to be clean, but apparently it doesn't matter to him for some reason. I don't understand what is going with him. I am trying to understand and change it.
Bubba gets a hold of paper towels and toilet paper and tears them shreds all over the floor. Caleb just leaves it there even though he sees it just as I do. WTF? Why? Who wants paper all over the floor creating a disaster area? I don't. Caleb knocked over the tub of markers and pens I created, and he never picked them back up, even though I have told him multiple times to do it. I know some of this is regular teenager behavior, but that doesn't mean I have to like it!
I remember Mathew being a slob as a teenager too. He was so bad that my dad made him live in the garage instead of living and sleeping in the house. I look back on that and am like WTF kind of parenting is that? SMDH
I hope to do so much better than my parents. I pray I do better for Caleb.
It's getting late. It's now 0742, and I still have to complete the rest of my morning routines. Be blessed my readers!
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