It is now 0302 and I have been up for about 30 minutes. I am mostly awake. I just took my medications. Yesterday I was tired. I got out of bed at 0830, but I sat in my chair until lunch time. I did not get much done. I was slow moving. I did take the tour of the library at Capella. That was part of my homework for this week. Caleb wanted to go to Walmart to get some sticky rice, so we got ready to go and went out for a couple of hours. We went to Walmart and shopped, and then I put gas in the Mazda. On the way home we stopped at Lowe's Foods. From Walmart to home, I lectured Caleb about health. It started in Walmart when I told him he was going to buy real food. I let him know that he could not live on candy. He was told he must buy himself vegetables, meat, and grains. I know he does not like fruits. I don't know why not. So he ended up buying a stir-fry vegetable mix and brussels sprouts from the freezer section, bagels, and sticky rice, and chicken tenders and roast beef. I was happy with his selections. The conversation changed from healthy eating to what health class would be like in public school. I shed some light on what he was missing. I then talked about sexual health. I went into detail about how a woman's body works, what a menstrual cycle is, how a woman gets pregnant, and sexually transmitted diseases. I talked about oral sex, anal sex, and sexual intercourse. I talked about circumcision. I need to talk to him about how a man can prevent getting a woman pregnant by having a reversible vasectomy. I talked about condoms though. It was only the beginning of the conversations we will have. It was just getting started. I am proud of myself.
When we got home I didn't do much until it was time to cook dinner. I grilled a steak for myself and hamburgers for Caleb. He doesn't like steak.
Yesterday morning Bella threw up grass. Poor baby.
I tried to get Caleb to clean up the hallway, but he resisted the whole day. I am like why? It takes him less than 10 minutes to get it done. He spends more time arguing with me than that! I handwashed a few dishes, set others to soak, and ran the dishwasher. Caleb took the laundry out of the dryer for me and put it in a laundry basket and put it on my bed for me to fold. Then he moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer.
He brought in the groceries when we came home but neglected to put the food in the freezer.
I was supposed to have my last Ignite Your Light zoom meeting last night, but I was too tired to stay awake. It started at 1930 and ran until 2100. That's too late for me on a good day. I will watch the video later.
Monday the only appointment I had was for Unleash Your Life, and I cancelled that too. I wasn't feeling well and needed to rest. I did not sleep well at all Sunday night. I spent most of Monday in bed. The only thing I was able to do was have Caleb move the bookcase from where he assembled it to where I wanted it so I could put my books away. I did put alot of books away. The bookcase fits perfectly where I wanted it. I have more books to put away though. LOL I can't help but see Christinia in my head saying , "Jenn where are you going to put all these books?!" LOL I love books though. I'm a bibliophile!
Today I have my appointment with Ted Jamison at Moving Ahead Counselling to receive my results of the psych eval testing I did about 2 weeks ago. I hope it turns out the way I intended, or better. I have been thinking about it ever since we completed the testing. I can't help but wonder what he is writing in the report. How did I do? Where do I stand? What did he think? I gave him my notebook with the Autism screening tests that I took. I hope those helped him make his determination about my Autism diagnosis. The VA did not even look at them. If I am not diagnosed with Autism, I am going to let go of getting a formal diagnosis because it is too expensive and time consuming to keep pursuing it. There are no other offices that test for Autism in our county. I would not even know where to go, and it is unlikely that they would accept me without a referral, and I would likely have to pay out of pocket again.
I am on week 3 of my Capella class. I think I am doing ok so far. It has not been easy because I have been feeling sick since the Monday before last. Being sick makes life so much harder. Next semester I will be taking two core courses at the same time, and both of them will have mandatory sessions that are live. I am not looking forward to that because I know how hard it can be to make regular appointments when I am dealing with my health. I am required to be in 7 out of 10 session or I will fail. No pressure or anything!
I clicked on an interesting link on a facebook post that was talking about a different kind of crystal called "Andara." I wanted to know more since I collect crystals. I watched about half of the first video that explains what andara is. The whole video was more than an hour long, and I simply could not watch more than I did at that time. I came away from the video knowing that I needed andara in my life, so I went and viewed every single piece Erica had for sale. I ended up buying 4 loose pieces and 1 pendant. I can't wait for them to arrive! If you want to know more about what I am talking about, I invite you to find out for yourself at Andara Crystals. The Next Stage of Evolution of Miracle Medicine – Andara Awakening (andarawakening.com) .
So I don't remember if I wrote about the success of "Clinging to the Vine", by Sheila Farr, but we made another amazon best-seller! I invite you to either buy the e-book on amazon, or buy the paperback directly from me! It's an anthology of stories about holding on to God. My chapter is titled, "Never Alone," and is about how I faced challenges but always had Jesus with me.
Yesterday I received a house blessing by Erica Rock, the woman who sells andara. I felt different as she was saying the words of the blessing. It was weird for me. I must have been surrounded by dark forces. I felt safer when she was done. She was so precise, efficient, and eloquent. I admire her so much. I asked her to teach me how to be more like her. I want to learn how to clear spaces and know they are cleared. I have tried many times by burning white sage, blue sage, and palo santo. I have done Reiki and said prayers. I burn candles and incense. I have a huge crystal collection sitting on selenite so it is ever-charged. I still don't have my crystal grid set up. I have crosses throughout the house. I spray smudge spray too. Nothing I have done was as effective as Erica's blessing. She is truly some kind of Master. I want to study under her. I am glad I found her when I did. I feel it was no coincidence our paths crossed.
I have another anthology coming out called "#BeastMode," by Sheila Farr. I just wrote a chapter in it. I think we launch that book in a couple of weeks on amazon.
I am still waiting on the "Let Go or Be Dragged" paperbacks to arrive. There was a problem in the publishing process that had to be fixed before it could be printed, so that's what the hold up is. I should receive the paperbacks in about two weeks or so.
I am struggling with the text message I got from my mom. It says, "Don't let your Dad drag you down. You can't fix him. Why don't you ask him why he cheated on me so many times when we were married? Let him rehash that. Why he gave me VD when I was pregnant with you? Why he gave me other transmittal things from other women he slept with? Then maybe you will get some truths from him or maybe not."
Yeah. I am struggling with that. Not because I didn't know about it but because it was in response to what I wrote about a week ago in my blog. I wrote something about what my conversation was like with my dad, and she text me this the next morning. First of all, this text message does not explain the decisions she made when I was a child that was being mentioned in my blog. Then, I can feel the anger in this text as if she was yelling at me. I don't appreciate the feeling I get when I read that. I don't think she realizes what impact they both had on me. In all of her decisions, and in all of his decisions, I was affected. She has no idea what it was like to be me. Or Mathew for that matter. We were both little kids at the time I am referencing. It would not be a big deal if the things they either did or did not do had no impact on us, but it did. I am looking back on my life through the lens of an Autism diagnosis. All the times I could not speak up for myself come to mind, and it's painful. I am just now learning to speak up for myself. I have learned through speaking up for Caleb since he was born. I am still selectively mute. I go silent for long periods of time and it makes parenting that much harder on me. It's not a conscious choice, it's not a choice at all. I can't help it. I've done it my entire life. I have to force myself to speak at any given time. It's like fighting a war inside when my body responds one way, but I want my words to come out. Even if I was not diagnosed with Autsim, I have a great many Autisitic traits. But even if I didn't , it's like, don't you understand the traumas you caused directly and indirectly? I deserved so much better than that. Why was I abandoned by my own mother for most of my life?
Anyway, I'm trying to let it go, but it's not easy. I'm 39 years old and still battling things that happened more than 30 years ago. Like, if you can't see that, then something is wrong with you. I have C-PTSD from things that happened in my childhood. Take a reality check, and take responsibility already. Either you do it while you are alive, or you do it after you die. We all answer to someone eventually.
Deep breath.
In other news, I was talking to my dad about how I was feeling about this appointment today. It has a great deal of significance to me and how my life will go from here on out. I have alot of anxiety about it. During the discussion I mentioned something about how hard it is for me to be in social situations and talk. My dad said something like, "Well, maybe it's better that you don't talk. That way people don't know what you are thinking." So stupid. I was making the point that if I can't verbalize what is on my mind, I can't expect other people to know. I have something to offer the world, and I want to share it, but it's so hard for me talk.
I feel like my dad doesn't understand me when I talk about serious stuff. He likes to interrupt and take over the conversation before letting me complete my sentences. I try to explain to him how I feel about things, but I don't feel heard most of the time.
I need someone to talk to. As a matter of fact Coach Brandi offered to make a standing appointment with me weekly so we could talk about things, and she could help me. It comes at no charge. Thank you Coach Brandi! It's like you felt the universe calling you to help me!
I have no friends who I speak to daily. I only speak to my dad throughout the day. That is the only conversation with an adult I have most days. When he sleeps through the day, and I miss out because he doesn't answer his phone, I feel bad. I feel disconnected. I do not feel good. I need friends. It's hard for me to make and keep friends due to my schedule and health issues. I can't take on more people in my life right now, but I need them. I am learning how to protect my energy while being around other people so I don't get so drained and worn out. It is taking me some time to figure it out because even though I have been doing Reiki most days, it doesn't always seem to do anything for me. I haven't felt connected to source. I feel like I am hitting a communication wall with source energy. I don't understand why I am blocked. Yesterday felt like a breakthough session. I felt energy moving upwards within me to my head while I was practicing Reiki. I felt like I made progress yesterday, where all the other days I did not feel anything. I just practice on faith that I am doing something good for myself, but never see any results. I don't know what to expect, so I just keep on chugging.
I had a reaction to the andara. After I watched that portion of Erica Rock's video, I bought some andara for myself and Caleb. I could not help but want to look at each piece and stare at them. This was right before I laid down for bed. I could not sleep at all that night. Not one wink. I had so many troubles, and my brain would not rest. I could not shut down to sleep. Erica says that is common when working with andara because I am being activated and upgraded. In her video she says that andara transmit energy through photos and videos just like they were physically present. That explains alot then.
I mailed out a box for Christinia yesterday. It was care box filled with things I hope she will love. She should get it today. It has crystals, incense, perfume, shower stuff, a book, and a room spray in it. Nothing like a little witchy self-care!
My dad asked me contact my Aunt Lisa regarding the final status of my grandpa's estate. He says to let her know that he is not looking for anything, he only wants a letter stating that he was left nothing. I guess he needs it closure.
I am waiting for my school refund so I can pay down these credit cards I have been using to buy my groceries and things. It should be arriving within the next week. I hate that I have to take a student loan out to be able to buy things we need, but it is what it is. My last payment to Michal is in December, thank God! I thought I had to pay until March or April! I can't wait to not owe her anything. That's over $500 a month I'm shelling out that I can't afford right now.
I've got to find a way to sell these paperbacks of the books I have written chapters in. I'm no good at selling things. I never was. It's the only way I can make money right now though. I want to write my own book, but I think I will wait until after I graduate with this Master's degree.
I could not resist the Medieval festival that is coming to Myrtle Beach. I bought tickets for me and Caleb to go. I hope we don't have to cancel for any reason. I think he will have a good time there. I was thinking about taking him to see a ballet, but the tickets for that are so expensive. I would like for him to see at least one ballet before he grows up.
My dad keeps telling me that it's important for Caleb to learn a martial art. While I agree with him, I can't make that happen. The class times are too late in the day and the location is too far away for me to do multiple times a week on a regular basis. I looked into it, and that's my conclusion. I don't drive at night, in the dark, and it is getting to be Fall. It is getting darker sooner now, and I could not drive to and from the school location anyway. He told me to make sacrifices so that he can go, but our safety on the road to and from is just as important as what he learns in class.
Bubba is growing fast. He already about half the size of Bella! He likes to cuddle with me at night, and be close to me. He can be a sweetie. He is also a poop-meister. He has yet to learn to only poop outside. It doesn't help that he needs to poop in the middle of the night though. At least he chooses floors that are easier to clean than the carpeting. He chooses the bathrooms or my closet. None of them are carpeted.
Caleb fell asleep with his hand in the chip bag and it's freaking hilarious! Maybe I should take a picture. LOL
Today Caleb has a therapy appointment. I think he is doing better since the last therapy appointment we had. he was having PTSD symptoms of flashbacks before our last appointment. Since then his medications have changed and that might be helping.
I'm super excited about getting my andara in the mail. I've got a lovetuner coming too. It is a whistle that softly sounds to 528Hz, the frequency of love, when blown into. I am waiting on leggings from Torrid, and some tops and jeans from Maurice's. I love getting stuff in the mail!
I am finishing up my period week in a few days. I am hoping to drop about 10 pounds when it's over, but we will see.
It is now 0514. I guess that's for now. I haven't completed my morning routines yet, so I should get moving. Be blessed my readers!
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