Tuesday, June 30, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 43

     Today's prompt is "What is your biggest obstacle right now?" I would have to say my biggest obstacle right now is my money problems. I am always spending more than I make. It's not because I have a spending problem. It's because life requires that I spend. I have a debt problem that would not exist if my relationships did not go bad the way they did. I invested in people who in the end only cared about themselves. Now I am paying for it, quite literally. I have learned my lessons. I will not allow anyone to live with me anymore. It's too stressful. I make huge changes for the other person's benefit, and they abuse me and the situation.
     I have other problems too, namely my health condition and Caleb's behaviors. If I can just lose some weight, I might be able to reduce my risk of further complications with my health. If I can just remain calm and consistent with Caleb, I might be able to influence his behavior.
     Today Caleb, Bella, and I took a walk down to the Veterans' Park for exercise.


     It wasn't too hot because it was after 6:00pm. We went after dinner. I was fully hydrated. Bella was fully hydrated. Neither of us have been on a walk outdoors for a long time. I really wanted to share the experience with her. She has patiently been a couch potato, escaping the heat outside. She doesn't do well with other animals, and boy were they out today! She is a strong pup, and that's why she's wearing a harness. She lunges towards other dogs and I have to hold her back. It's not easy. I wish I could train her to not do that. I don't normally life walking the street because it hurts my feet and back more than the incline trainer does. My ankle hurt when I got home. Caleb thought I was bleeding on my leg, and wiped it with alcohol hoping to make me sting and burn. When I said I couldn't feel anything, he wiped harder. All the "blood" came off and there was no scratch. It was salsa that he spilled earlier! Bahahaha! 
     So it's 2:54 am. I woke up because I was thirsty with a dry mouth. My dry mouth requires carbonation. Besides, I drank my 4 liters of water for the day already. I weighed in on Monday morning. I neither lost, nor gained weight last week. I am happy about that, because at least I didn't cause myself to gain weight by not walking.
     I looked up my OMPF (Personnel File) yesterday, and got my ASVAB test results back. It I remember, my overall score was 86. That number is nowhere to be seen on my records, as the score is broken down into sections.
     Date taken 20060401 
     Aptitude Area Scores:

GT 121 (the most important score. I don't remember what it stands for though)
Admin 121 (Administrative)
CMBT 117 (combat, I think) 
Elec 119 (Electrical)
FA 117 (Finance?)
Mech 112 (Mechanics)
Food 116 (Food Prep)
Commo 120 (Communications)
Maint 117 (Maintenance)
Tech 119 (Technical)

     So considering I had been out of school for some years, and not been studying on my own, these scores are pretty good. They allowed me to have my choice of job in the Army. I probably could have had a good job no matter what branch I chose, but I was set on the Army. 
     I don't remember what Mathew scored when he enlisted. He probably doesn't remember. He retook the ASVAB later in his career and scored higher than his first test. He prides himself on scoring higher than I did on my first test on the GT score. Whatever. Everybody who is worth their weight will score higher the second time around. 
     Caleb was looking at my print outs and was like "What is this? Is this mine?" It clearly has a Department of the Army seal at the top. "No, Caleb. It's not yours." I replied. "Yes it is! I'm in the Army!" he says. HA ha ha ! 
     If I can train him up in taking orders, he will make a good recruit. He has to practice running more though. In training you march and run everywhere. 
     I went to the VA clinic yesterday to exchange my Metformin. I was able to get a short fill to last me until my shipment arrives. I also went to Food Lion to restock my soda. Told ya I wouldn't make it! 
     I wonder if it is going to rain again soon. I am feeling cramps again right now. It might just be the Miralax I am taking. It might be both. I am sensitive to weather changes. 
     Caleb tried some tiny sweet peppers for the first time today, and so did I. They were on sale, so I decided to pick some up. I thought I might add them to our dinner, but Caleb finished a bag of them before I started cooking! LOL I'm happy when I find a healthy snack for him. We normally eat celery and cucumbers together for snacks. 
     Today is pay day, also known as bill pay day. I am happy that I can pay my bills because once upon a time, I was struggling even more than I am right now. I am grateful for what I have. I am grateful to have a home of my own, and a small, but loving family. 
     I wish I could remember my past better. My Aunt Lisa found some baby pictures of me in my grandpa de Mello's house! It's a big deal because most of the pictures were taken by my mom in the divorce. She left them behind when she was escaping an abusive relationship. So, we don't have very many baby pictures, or pictures of us when we were little. 
     We forgot to bring poop bags for Bella on our walk. She pooped in a friend's yard, and I sent Caleb back home to get bags because he was on a bike. After Caleb picked up the poop, I called him "Caleb. The original pooper scooper!" LOL 
     We were walking towards the park and Caleb says "Look Mom! Look at the sky! The clouds look like a dildo!" WTF?! LMAO! "Caleb! How do you know about a dildo?" I asked. He says, " Just look, it's got balls and a ding dong!" OMG SMH My son. 
     Later on we were playing on the couch, and I began to sing to him a song about him. It goes to the same music as "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" by the Beatles. It goes "Dildos in the sky for Caleb." Oh! He hated it so much! So good times! Good times! I laughed so hard!
     I'm trying to decide how I want to appear in my photo shoot. Do I want to represent myself as having a natural look with my facial hair, or not? Do I want a haircut, or not? How am I going to do my makeup? Does the dress I chose even look good on me? I haven't figured it out yet. I went looking for tweezers the other day and couldn't find a single pair! I had at least 4 or 5 pairs at one time, and now they are all missing! Caleb! LOL I'm going to have buy new ones and hide them. 
     The Fourth of July is quickly approaching. We are not doing anything special to celebrate. I am not looking forward to the heat that comes with July. The State Troopers are already patrolling the area. 
     I still haven't mailed my absentee ballot yet. I keep forgetting. I gotta do that today. I don't want it to get too late. 
     I haven't been keeping up with much of what I wanted to do. I wanted to add things to my daily routine to increase my health. I find that giving myself lots of opportunity to rest is better than a long list of things to do. 
     I don't know what I'm going to do when I can't vape anymore. It's a bad habit that I can't afford to continue. It's also a coping mechanism for the amount of stress I have. I'm pretty chill these days, but I won't be once I start going through withdrawals! 
     I am waiting for answers to questions I have about Jesus recently. If Jesus was not born of Joseph, how can he claim the lineage of Joseph? It Joseph was descended from King David, why was he poor? If Jesus never sinned, why was he baptized by John the Baptist? Why don't we have prophets today? Why are there no details and additional texts available that bring us to current times, and the future? If a woman can create life without a man's input, why do we need men? Why can't all women be blessed like Mary was? What is in the Pope's library? Why do we still have a Pope? What makes a person a Saint? If other people can create miracles, why can't I? What does any of this have to do with Quantum Healing?  If someone did energy readings at all the Holy sites of the world, what would they find? How is our belief in God any different than the beliefs of ancient people in history in myths?  I'm just curious!
     Why are people afraid to wear masks? They claim the mask wearers are fearful because of the media. Aren't they, too, fearful because of the media? Why is wearing a mask such a big deal to anti-mask-wearers? Are they so insecure that they cannot see that it is for our safety and the safety of others that we actively participate in the control of this pandemic? They react so violently to orders from the governor to wear masks in public spaces. Insecurity is the root of their protests. They fear brain-washing of the public, which I think is hilarious. Don't we have Trump as a President? You don't fear his choices? How can you have faith in such a man? You know he is lying when his mouth is moving. 
     Even Jesus says he won't test God. Why, for Jesus worshippers, do you feel you should do differently than Jesus? I'm confused.
     Well, it's 4:22 am here. I just opened my last Dew. Caleb woke up and says "Mom. I love you." I respond, "I love you too." And he goes back to sleep. The tv is silent. It must be in sleep mode too. Bella was sleeping on the floor tonight, with Caleb who has been sliding off the recliner recently.   
     I'm not particularly tired or sleepy, but I know Caleb will be full of energy in the morning. I've got a big day ahead of me too. Paying bills is a taxing task, then I have to go grocery shopping for the deals that end Tuesdays. 
     I wonder how long it will take to reap rewards for changing my diet to more fish, instead of beef. I need to find a good Omega 3 and Omega 6 fish oil supplement to take. I also need to do some research in other supplements I can take to reduce inflammation. I taken Naproxen daily, which is anti-inflammatory, but I think I can do better. I like to shop at Swanson online for supplements like that. 
     I stopped taking fiber capsules in the afternoons because it wasn't helping my chronic constipation. I was advised to take Miralax 1-2 times daily by my primary care provider. It works. I just wonder if it's causing these cramps though. I drink enough water, so it's not that. Anyway, I'm off to bed for the morning! Ta ta! 
     

Monday, June 29, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 42

     Today's prompt is "How did you get to work today?" Well, I do not go to work because I do not have a job. That's partially true. I have lots of work to do, but I don't get a paycheck to do it. I'm a stay at home mom. My work is never done. I usually do a lot of cleaning every day.
     Today was difficult because I was experiencing cramps and body soreness all over, and just generalized pain everywhere. It did not really hit me until I laid down for a nap around noon. Prior to that, I was able to get 4 loads of laundry folded and put away. In addition, I washed one load of laundry today, and dried 2 loads of laundry. Much later on I was able to handwash some dishes, and put some dishes in the dishwasher. So, even though I was suffering, I still got lots done.
     I had Caleb apply an Icy Hot back patch on my lower back before trying to go to sleep. I also used a Vitality brand essential oil blend called "Pain Away" earlier in the day.
     There is a thunder storm outside right now, so I may have been feeling the upcoming weather. That does happen quite often. It's times like these I wish I had some marijuana edibles to help me sleep without pain.
     I still have my finger bandaged from yesterday. I applied a new band aid this morning and added some medical tape to keep it from falling off, like the previous did.
     Not much else happened today. I was very sleepy and fatigued. It is now 10:43pm, and I am only up because I needed to use the bathroom. I am very thirsty now. I am going to be careful not to drink Diet Mountain Dew though, because I want to be able to go to sleep. So, that being said, I am off to bed. I may return later. It just depends on when I wake back up if I can go back to sleep.

     It's now 2:25 in the morning. I'm soaking wet from sweat. I've been drinking my flavored water drink all night. I have an unquenchable thirst. Sponge Bob is still playing on the tv. Bella was sleeping on the floor because Caleb fell asleep on the recliner before she could jump up there with him. She likes to go there when there is a thunder storm outside. I'm tired, but can't sleep when I'm hot.
     I'm using the doTerra Balance essential oil blend in the roller bottle I received from the free kit I was sent. I love this roller bottle idea. I don't make a mess when applying essential oils anymore.
      I finally got my face mask washed! I'm so happy that most of the stains came out and it looks new again. I'm going to need it later on today when I go to the VA to exchange my metformin.
     I was told today that I think a lot. I don't know. I guess. How much does the average person think? I've never known a highly intelligent, excuse for me for saying so, person who didn't think a lot. Then again, I've never met a person like me either. I tested for MENSA once, some years ago. I wasn't prepared for the length of time sitting in one place, and I couldn't finish the test accurately. I ended up filling in answers just to get out of there. The preliminary test on their site, online, led me to believe that I have an above average IQ. I can tell you though, I'm not good at the puzzles. I don't have the patience to figure them out, and I don't know just by looking at them.
     I am requesting my Personnel File from my time in the Army. I want to review my ASVAB scores. I was 23, I think, when I took it. I had been out of school for a long time by then. My Recruiter was happy to see my score, even though I thought it wasn't good enough. Since then, I've been to all kinds of schools and made good grades, so I know I'm highly capable.
     Part of coming from abusive situations where gaslighting is used, is that you start to doubt yourself. Christinia tried to use gaslighting against me. It didn't work. I was raised by my dad. I think it pissed her off. LOL The devil in her could never make me feel any sort of way but sorrow for her. I felt badly because her reality was so distorted. It was literally crazy. She would tell me things as if they were facts, as if she could tell the future, but they were just her narcissistic opinions. What she believed about Caleb's future was very hurtful. The things she would say, and believe to be true. It was awful. I couldn't change her mind because she believed she was right and I was wrong, always. Well, she knew Caleb for some months. I'd known Caleb for 10 years by that time. I didn't realize his behavior would change right away when she was gone, or I would have made her leave sooner. They hated each other. I'm glad that's over. 
     We had salmon for dinner. I bought specifically because Caleb was excited about liking the first time I made it. He didn't eat his food tonight. What a waste. I'm going to eat it eventually, but still.
     I found that I only have 2 more days of Caleb's ADHD medication, Focalin, yesterday. It can not be refilled until July 7th. Sooo... Where did the week of medication go? I have a feeling that Caleb has been doing something he shouldn't be doing with them. I don't have any proof yet, but I will change how things go on from on. It's just the 2 of us in this house. I didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to with them. That only leaves him. Bella doesn't have opposable thumbs, so she can't turn the bottle top.
     I printed out my list of chores that I created as a part of my "playbook" Excel workbook in February. I showed Caleb my responsibilities so he could have an idea of what goes on in my head every day of the week. I tried to explain to him that if we clean an area and keep it clean, we won't have so much work to do around the house, and we can do other things. I don't know if I'm getting through to him. His lack of work ethic is beyond me. I was never that way, and I don't get it. I try and I try to explain and model and show examples using his friends and their houses. Every child his age has work to do around the house. Every family has their own way of maintaining the living conditions. We are not the only ones who need to keep a clean home. I say this over and over.
     I'm trying to figure out what expenses I have coming up so I can prepare for them. I made a list of things I know I have coming up, like Bella's vet appointments and car registrations and taxes. I'm weary. I DO think a lot. I have no one to share the burden of living with. Everything is up to me, so I am forced to think a lot in order to maintain afloat.
      I've eaten a lot of peanut crackers this morning. I feel like I was waking up every 20 minutes or so and having 1 to 2 packs of cracker each time. I don't know why I thought that would keep me asleep.
     I'm so thirsty, even now! I've had at least 4 Diet Mountain Dews. I made a 2 liter flavored water drink before laying down tonight, and drank the whole things already. I don't know what's going on. I wonder what my  blood sugar is. Should be fine. I took my medication like normal. Ok so my blood sugar is 184. Not desirable, but understandable as I ate so many carbs in the peanut butter crackers.
     I don't know how this school year is going to look. I hope Caleb can go to school. He needs to physically go to school. He will not do distance learning. We've tried... well, I tried to get him to. I'm not going to fight everyday to make sure he goes online and does his work. That's not right. That's how it is though. I hate O.D.D., and that's exactly what it is. It's a huge argument that leads to him getting violent at times. He's so defiant. It's not normal. I don't care what other people say. He may be 11.5 now, and a pre-teen now, but it didn't just start now. It's been going on for years! It's not normal. It just isn't.
     When I went to request my OMPF (Personnel File), I had to review my contact information and my dad's information was there. I don't know what to do about that. Should I do anything? I don't want to. I'm not going to. I've made my point. Karma will catch up to him.
      My last argument with Caleb was over cleaning his room the other day. He wanted permission to go to the park, and I told him no because his room wasn't clean. He came up with some whack-a-doo arguments and even just plainly said he didn't want to do it. I told him that part of growing up is having responsibilities and things you don't want to do, but need to do. I tried telling him that all of his friends have to keep their rooms clean. He is not the only one. He told me to stop looking at him. I told him he's not in control of my eyes. I told him to go to his room. He said "No!" Then he came closer to me and got in my personal space. I told him to get out of my personal space. He said "You get out of my personal space!" I said "You came to me, I didn't go to you. Go to your room." He responded by yelling "No!" Then I tried to reason with him. I said "Caleb. You don't want me to look at you, you don't want me to be in your personal space, but you won't got to your room where I am not going? How much sense does that make?" I remained calm through it all. He yells when he gets angry and frustrated. I told him he was angry and needed to go cool down in his room for a minute. I don't know why but he came to me crying. I guess he keeps trying to push his boundaries and see if I will mistreat him the same way my dad, Sharon, and Christinia did, but I never do. I'm a lot more mentally stable than they are and besides, he's my only child. I was also better versed in modern child psychological disorders than they were. They believed you could and should beat it out of him. Sharon is one class away from a PhD in Nursing, and she supported my dad choking Caleb! If she ever finishes that degree, I will find a way to make sure she never gets hired. According to all of them, Caleb's behavior is completely my fault because I am a bad parent. Knowing what you know about me, would you say that is true? I will never believe that. Ever. I'd die for Caleb. There's no limit to how far I would go for Caleb. It's shown in the amount of help I have recruited in his care. I'm not alone in thinking that Caleb needs help. I'm also not alone in thinking that Caleb is not a bad kid. He has problems and works differently than others, but he is kind-hearted and a generally happy kid.
     Ok friends, I am drinking the last Diet Mountain Dew in the house. I don't think I will make it through tomorrow without buying more. It is what it is. No pressure. Times are hard. This is one of my coping mechanisms.
     I wonder what kind of Hell Christinia is living in. Some people just can't accept good things in their lives. She is one of them. 
     I wish I would have paid more of my credit card debt down with that stimulus check. I had bills to pay though, and medications to buy, and I needed pizza. I don't normally have money for pizza, so I totally went for it. I wish they would send a second payment out. I could really use the help. I go into more debt every day. It seems like I'm doing worse than before, but I know that is not true because I have accounts that are almost paid off and will not ever be reused. I was only able to buy first aid supplies the other day because I purchased with my credit card. The same with the groceries. I don't normally qualify for Food Stamps, but I wish I did.
     It's now 4:44 in the morning. Where does the time go? I really am more productive when it's dark outside. I wish I felt the same way in the winter months when it always seems to be dark outside. I get so depressed with the shorter days.
     I am going to weigh-in this morning. I am not looking forward to that this time, as I only walked 2 out of the 5 days I was suppose to. I was just not feeling it. It was really difficult to do much of anything. It's hard to maintain a routine that involves physical activity when your body works against you and is in pain for no apparent reason. I wish I could take baths, but I am too big for my small 1986 bathtub. I want to make changes to my house but don't know how feasible it is. It might be cheaper and more worthwhile to build my own handicap-accessible house.  I need wider doorways, wider hallways, wider bathtub, and more space around the sink. A bidet would be nice. I want a bathtub with jets or a hot tub. I need the massaging effects of the water to make my soreness go away. My quality of life would be so much better if I could make the pain go away in a relaxing manner at home by myself. I can't do massage therapy because I don't like to be touched. It hurts! I only hug those I can trust not to put pressure on my body. I never let my dad touch me because he is heavy handed and has no idea how rough he is. I hurt myself earlier today! I touched an area that was sensitive, that on a normal person isn't sensitive, and rubbed it. It was painful to the bone! Fibromyalgia. Over-active nervous system. The same thing that causes my seizures, on the most basic level.
     Thank God I don't have a menstrual cycle anymore! I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with the pain I dealt with as a teenager, and Caleb at the same time. I was always vomiting (my body's response to the extreme pain). I got sent home so frequently from school in my earlier years. Every month the same thing. My dad, nor Sharon (now a Master's Degree holding Nurse) never thought to take me to a doctor to have me examined. It's really unbelievable,  when I think about how much pain and suffering I could have been spared if they had taken me to seek medical care.
     Sharon has told me a number of times, "We never thought anything was wrong with you. You were the last one in the family that needed medical care." WTF?! I only went through the same things Mathew did. Did that not qualify me for similar treatment? They sought mental health care for him, but not me, because of his behaviors. I am a girl. I was born and raised to behave differently than a boy.  Just because I didn't act out in the same ways, didn't mean I wasn't acting out. My dad and Sharon would say things like " When you get in to trouble it's usually over something big, and not that often. When your brother gets into trouble it's every day something new." SO? Sharon had 3 kids of her own. 2 were biologically related, one was adopted. They were all in college when I was in middle school. My question is simply WTF?! None of them keep in touch with her now. NONE. They don't care that she can't afford to pay all of her bills every month. They don't care that she is ill. They just don't care, PERIOD. What does that say about her? Of all 5 of us kids, I was the only one to ever allow my dad and Sharon to reside with me, and I did it TWICE! What really happened to her kids that they, as adults, don't give a shit about their own mother?
     I don't know. I just don't know. Did they not care? How can you see me every month like that and not do something about it? That's just another form of abuse. I remember Sharon saying something like "I can't wait to see you when you're pregnant!" as a response to my monthly reaction to the pain caused by menstruation.
     You know what? Now some of my veteran sisters face the same type of mentality when trying to get access to health care. We faced the same things as the males soldiers did, but don't get equal treatment because we are women. All of us don't get specific care for Women's issues. I am fortunate that I do. It's a reason I don't want to move away. I know it's hard out there. I know the VA sucks in most places. There has got to female representation of veterans in Congress. That's all there is to it. Having more Women Veteran Only groups available and sending representatives to speak on our behalf is critical. Having more studies done on Female Veterans specifically is essential. Our health MATTERS! 
     I feel like I have to fight for so many things. I try to keep up with so many issues and sign petitions, contact my representatives, be active in taking surveys etc. I can't keep up with all of it! Please, if you are reading this, VOTE. I am requesting to vote by mail by having an absentee ballot mailed to me. You should be able to do the same.
     It's 5:28 am here, and I need to go back to bed. Caleb wakes up relatively early and is ready to play all day long from the time he wakes up to the time he falls asleep. I need my rest. Besides, I just finished my Dew. Deuces!

Sunday, June 28, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 41

     Today's prompt is " If this day was an animal, which animal would it be?" It would be a sloth. I was totally slow moving all day, but it was because I was attempting not to be stressed, and to relax while still doing things that needed to be done. I went to the Lowe's Foods for some sausages that were on sale. I went to the CVS to try to exchange a prescription. I loaded the dishwasher and ran the dryer. I trimmed and filed Bella's nails round. Now that I list it out, I had a busy day.
      I caught my finger in the nail clippers between the handles as I was trying to clip Bella's nails. It cut a round shape in my finger and started bleeding. I am iron deficient and diabetic. Getting hurt is not a good thing. Although I take iron supplements, I can still have trouble when it comes to bleeding.



     Yesterday I received a letter from the VA that my metformin needs to be thrown out. They neglected to send me a replacement prescription. I went to the local CVS trying to see if there was anything they could do about it. There wasn't.
      Lowe's Foods has fresh sausages that are so delicious! They are buy one get one free this week, and I just could not wait until I got paid to get my share. We had "the Soprano" sausages tonight for dinner.
      I spent quality time with Bella, trying to complete her Spa day. I only got her nails done today, so tomorrow I will brush her teeth. I don't groom Bella as often as I should, so she is not accustomed to having me trim her nails, file her nails, or brush her teeth. I just got word that she had plaque on her teeth with the last veterinarian visit. She gets rowdy around other animals, and it's cheaper for me to groom her myself. When I was taking her to the groomer for her nails, I would have to call in advance to make sure she was going to be alone while she was being cared for.
     Caleb has found a fishing net at the park and is so excited about it, that he keeps telling me he found it. I wonder if he forgets that he has already told him.
     Caleb and I spent some quality time together using his air soft gun. Billy gave it to him about a week ago. I showed him the rear and front sights and how to use them. I also told him the importance of breathing in shooting for real. I'm thinking about reviewing my basic training book and teaching him stuff I learned from it. He's really interested in that kind of stuff and just can't wait until he is 18.






     All in all, it was a good day. It was sunny and warm. Although I spend most of the day inside, I still appreciate a beautiful day. I didn't walk again today. I feel like I'm in a funk. I know I'm not going to lose weight this week. I'm trying not to worry. I have to work with myself, and sometimes it's more important to rest than anything else.
     Most of Caleb's clothes have shipped from the Children's Place. I'm already looking forward tor returning the excess. Now that I know Caleb has certain things in his size, he doesn't need extra.
     Caleb's "bored" a lot. I feel bad for him, but he has no work drive. He is not motivated to work for anything. I'm still trying to get him to clean his room. He gets angry when I bring it up. I don't get angry back, I stay calm and tell him about how he is reacting so he can better see himself. There's a lot of work that he can do around here.
     I took a little care of myself today. I took a shower. It may not seem like a big deal to you, and may even sound gross, but I don't shower everyday. It's taxing and takes a lot to do for me. It may not take that much time, but it takes a lot of attention to detail and mental and physical energy. My favorite part is my hair. I love the way my shampoo and conditioner smell.
    It's taken some getting use to. I use to shower at least twice a day. Once in the morning, and once after working out, and once before bed... depending on the day. Before I started taking high blood pressure medication, it was scary to shower in hot water. My heart would race and I would hyperventilate. I felt like I was going to faint. I couldn't catch my breath. I have a history of seizures, so I was already scared to shower. That made it worse.
     Being obese has its own problems. I am have been unable to reach places to wash, so it took longer to wash. I have to be careful when leaning over, because if I fall, I might not be able to get back up on my own. That's one of the reasons I don't bother shaving my legs. I can't bend over that long to do it, and honestly, I don't see the need. It has no medical benefit.
     Have I told you how much I love Bella? LOL Oh my gosh! This dog! I love her so much! I sent her previous owner a picture today. I know he must miss her a great deal. It's been a few years since I adopted Bella, but I still like to keep in contact with him. He is a National Guard soldier. He was being deployed and had no one to take care of her while he was away. That's the only reason he gave Bella up for adoption. I know he would never have wanted to give her up. She is so precious and loving. I wish I could carry her everywhere I go. I wish she would fit in a dog carrier that I could wear like a baby carrier over my belly. I see these dogs in the ASPCA commercials, and I can not even ever imagine doing that to Bella. She is a pampered pup, and will be for as long as I live.
     I think about how Caleb and I were separated, and I think about these poor kids in those cages away from their parents. It breaks my heart. I have been separated from Caleb, and I did not want to live any more. I wish I could save the world from itself. There are so many problems due to ignorance and greed. Latinos are not the enemy! Blacks are not the enemy!
     I have to wash my mask. It's filthy. I  have all kinds of stains on the inside of it from wearing makeup, like anyone can see my lip gloss that I love so much!
     I have to wash my lens cleaning cloth too. I wish I could just throw it in with the laundry, but I was told not to.
     It's quiet here. The episode of House that Caleb put on to go back to sleep to is over, and the tv is quiet. It's usually not quiet in here. I like my quiet time though. I don't normally have the tv on when Caleb is at school. I spend all day in silence minus my own singing and having conversations with Bella.
     I wonder how I'm doing from God's point of view. I wish I could get a status report or something. I don't get emotional these days. I don't feel things like I did once. I'm kind of numb. Desensitized. I don't have my feelings to guide me. I only have my brain. I need both my brain and my heart to work together. I know it's because of my medications. While the anti-depressants keep me from being in a deep depression, they also have side effects. The Lyrica that I'm  taking for fibromyalgia and seizures does too. The Lyrica has been shown to destroy neuron firings in the brain, and not allow new connections to be made. This means I have a hard time with brain functioning to its highest level. It also means my brain is not going to have an over abundance of neural firing causing me seizures. I wish I could live my life without all these medications and their side effects. Just give me marijuana already! Legalize marijuana in North Carolina! 
     I'm already considering opening my own shop once it happens. I can be a weed entrepreneur! The people have spoken! Let there be weed/pot/grass/ganja!
     I wonder how Mathew is doing. I am looking forward to him coming home from deployment. I can't wait for him to retire, to be honest. I can't believe he has accomplished so much. I'm proud of him. I wonder how he feels about me. Sometimes I feel like a failure. I just can't compete with others. I have my own lane. It's taken me a long time to realize that I will never be competitive again, and that's ok. It's not easy being disabled. I have to remind myself that I am disabled, and not to think in terms of what I use to be able to do, because now the circumstances are different. I have had to retrain my brain not to beat myself up for being unable to accomplish even the most simplest of tasks. What makes it harder is that my injuries are not self-evident. Besides being obese, it doesn't look like anything is wrong with me. It's a lie. I hide my problems from open view. I "suck it up and drive on" a lot. I have had to explain to my son that I have problems, because even to him, it is hard to see. If I do not tell him what is going on with me, he thinks I am being lazy all the time. It's not true. Unfortunately he was too young to see me when I was working long hours in the Army, or even at school. Now that all that is over, I only have myself to guide me in what to do. I don't have a list of things to accomplish that is a requirement to success to complete a program or get a promotion. I have to create my own lists of things I prioritize to do. I don't celebrate their completions because usually they are things that everybody has to do and it doesn't seem that significant. I should celebrate my progress. Every step forward is a step I didn't think I could make. My standards may be too high. They are high because I use to be able to perform at that level. I can no longer do that. I can not remember to take my medications in the morning without reading my daily notes. I think that says a lot. Sometimes I wish I had a personal Drill Sergeant. I need somebody else to have faith in my abilities and celebrate with me when I have successes. I need somebody with high levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and motivation to model after. It would be helpful. Just saying, there is a void in my life. I wish I could count on my dad. He always had things to say that brought out the soldier in me. I took being a soldier very seriously. I tried to embody the Army Values to the best of my ability. I did not think it was stupid nonsense. I would probably make a better leader now that I'm not in a chronic depressed state, and usually optimistic.
     My Aunt Lisa would tell me now that I should look at my accomplishments and be proud. Look at Caleb and be proud. Look at Bella and be proud. Look at how I tried to care for my dad and Sharon, and be proud. Look at how I tried to care for Christinia and Harlee and be proud. Look at how I try to maintain a relationship with Mathew and Nichole, especially since his deployment, and be proud. My heart is in the right place. Whatever karmic debt I have created throughout my life, I have more than paid for.
     Go even further back, and look at how I helped Travis, and be proud. Look at how I helped Billy and be proud. Look at how I tried to help my dad and Sharon the first time and be proud. Look at how I tried to help my Mom and be proud.
     Look at how I tried to help Nigel, And be proud. Look at how I tried to help Mathew and be proud. Look at how I tried to take care of Peabody and be proud. Look at how I tried to care for Hailey and be proud.
     Look at how I tried to care for my friends, and be proud. Remember volunteering for Peer Helpers in high school and being voted president. Remember being told to teach the platoon cadence, and also how to pivot when marching by the Drill Sergeant. Remember going all out on that one indoor rifleman's course in Basic Training and being looked at in awe. Remember asking for "special treatment" at that one outdoor rifleman's course with my battle buddy and getting into trouble by the Commander and laughing about it. Remember singing for my battle buddies under the trees in Ft. Sam Houston while we were hand picking up leaves from the rocks underneath them. Remember going skinny dipping on that Young Life hike. Remember that gray and depressing day in Basic training at the range, and having a colorful butterfly land on me and follow me. Remember picking Caleb up early from daycare to go to the beach at Ft. Fisher. Remember making a palate on the apartment floor and watching movies with Caleb until he fell asleep with me. Think about all the hugs and kisses I get from Caleb. Think about all the cuddles I get from Bella.
     Don't let what Christinia said after she left influence me. Don't let what my dad and Sharon said as they were forced to leave influence me. Don't let my dad and Sharon's behaviors influence me. Don't take the lack of direct communication between me and my siblings influence me. Don't let Trump bring me down. Don't let the COVID-19 bring me down. Don't let my medical conditions bring me down.
     I will never forget, but writing this blog has made improvements to my life. Thank you for reading it.
   
 

Saturday, June 27, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 40

     Today's prompt is " How late did you sleep?" I woke up a few minutes ago, around 9:00am. I woke up several times in the night, but went back to sleep.

     Yesterday I gave Bella a Spa Day that is continuing to today because I did not get everything done yesterday. I brushed Bella before washing her to make sure we get as much of the loose hair off of her as possible. Then I showered her and scrubbed into her hair as deep as I could get. She jumped out of the bathtub while fully soaped down, and I had to pick her back up and put her back in. I said "Please don't let her slip from my fingers." She made it into the tub safely. I rinsed the soap off and she jumped out of the tub once more. This time she was ready to be toweled off.





     This is Bella fresh out of the bath! She grooms herself afterwards to get the excess water off. She's such a good girl for me! She earned some cookies!
     I was suppose to clip her nails and file them round yesterday, but I never got to it. I have to give her a break after being washed. It's taxing on us both. I also have to brush her teeth.

     I made Haddock yesterday for the first time ever. It turned out good! Caleb doesn't like the skin, but he likes the meat. I went to Walmart to gather some vegetables to hold us over until I get paid. I bought cabbage, collard greens, and green beans. I don't know why that makes me excited! LOL I'm happy to have healthy food to eat. 

     I'm running low on Diet Mountain Dew. I'm going to see if I can go without for a little while. Probably not, but I'm going to try. I'm running low on vaping supplies too. I don't want to spend money on it. I will have to suffer withdrawals. 

     So yesterday I had a 8am therapy appointment online. Whew-we! That's early! 
     I picked up my books and read a chapter or 2 yesterday morning. I haven't done that in a while. I also tried to better organize my workspace. 

      Not much happening around here. Just taking it slow, trying to rest when I can. I'm slowly working on chores. 

Friday, June 26, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 39

     Today's prompt is "Are you in love?" No. I am not in love. I don't have the time nor energy to start a new romantic relationship. Hell, I don't even like trying to type my life story to every person who shows interest on instagram. I just refer them to my blog. If they read it, I might consider chatting with them. If not, clearly, I'm not for them. I want a life partner, not a sex partner. Too often, people are looking for cheap and easy, and I am neither. I was talking to my mom the other day, and told her I don't want a husband right now. I don't want to fight over my parenting style. I don't want to fight over Caleb's behaviors. It's easier to try to manage things on my own compared to all that. If I ever get remarried, it will be after Caleb grows up. That's just how I feel about it.

     So, I am dealing with chronic dry eyes. My ophthalmologist gave me some samples of eye drops to try. I went to check the price at Walmart, and they are expensive! I can't keep up with the costs of all the over the counter medical supplies I need. I gotta keep my head up from drowning in these money problems.
     I printed out my absentee vote request form. I just have to mail it in now. I'm voting, one way or another.
     I was able to get Caleb to start organizing his room. I asked him to do 3 things. Put the laundry in one pile, put all the toys in the toy box, and pick up the trash. He didn't do all that. He barely got the clothes together, but we did find size 14 bottoms that I had already bought him. I knew he had pants and shorts. So, I'm glad that I might be able to return some of his wardrobe as he doesn't need 2 of anything.
     Nichole and I were talking about getting our kids clothes. She was asking where I was going to buy Caleb's clothes this year because the Children's Place is generally for younger kids. I told her I was sticking with them as that's what I can afford right now. I mean I can buy a nice shirt for $2.18 there that costs $20 or more at Old Navy.
     I got up this morning because I couldn't sleep again. I was starting to get an itch that wouldn't go away in my throat, which was making me cough. I keep a drink by the couch for when my throat gets dry, but sometimes the carbonation on the Diet Mountain Dew is better at clearing the itch.
     I am going to try to quit vaping while I have e-juice left. I don't want to buy more. I've tried quitting many times before and failed. I may fail again this time. I will never stop trying to quit vaping. It's a bad habit. I hate spending money on it when we are broke so frequently. I only vape 6mg/ml nicotine. You would think it wouldn't be hard to quit. The highest dose of nicotine in the e-juice available I've seen is over 50mg/ml. So that gives you some sort of idea what I'm working with right now. I vape all day though.
     I didn't walk again today. I don't want it to become a habit of not walking when I am scheduled to, but it was thunder storming this morning and that affects me with aches, pains, lethargy, fatigue, and sleepiness.
     I received a letter in the mail about selling my house today. I'm giving it some thought. I could easily afford a less expensive location in the same size or bigger house with bigger yard. It's just that I've already invested so much in living here. It's hard to just sell the house and move. I don't have any savings to clean the house or move my stuff. I know that if I do sell the house, I will need to live within the service area of my health care team and Caleb's health care team. I'm not willing to start over with new people. It's such a pain in the ass to have to do that. We lose the history and the relationships we've formed with our providers.
     I'm usually organized but my work area has deteriorated. It's got papers and books piled high. I'm just trying to do so much at the same time.
     Bella had a hard time this morning with the thunder storm. Poor girl gets so nervous with the thunder. She starts shivering really badly. I can't comfort her. She's scared and I can't do anything about it. I hate it. I just try to hold her and cuddle under the blanket with her.
     Caleb asked me "Who is your favorite family member?" I said it was him! I don't know whether he believes that or not. Our relationship is constantly up and down with his bad moods and attitudes towards working, but I honestly don't know what I'm going to do once he leaves the nest. He's such a huge part of my daily life. It's not going to be an easy transition.
     I have 0800 appointment with my therapist this morning. It's now 0200. I'm not a morning person, as you might imagine. I get up around 0200 and stay up for a few hours and go back to bed once I've worked my brain a bit. I usually get up around 0900, still tired. I wonder what we are going to talk about today. I don't have a lot in the front of my mind. I took the appointment because it was the first available. Usually I don't schedule anything in the morning because I move so slowly when I get up, and I have routines I have to do before I can go anywhere. This is a telehealth appointment though, so I'm not going anywhere.
     I was actually hoping for rain so I could get the house cooled down for a day or two. I hate being hot. I love being cold. Christinia and I were planning a honeymoon to Alaska because I told her I didn't want to be in the heat. We were going to take a cruise because I have never done that before. Besides, my gardenias need rain. I hope they grow taller.
     I gotta get pumped back up. Not this second, but overall. I need to think about how it makes me feel to step on the scale and have lost weight. It's so worth it. Or how I feel now that I can do more without feeling so much pain, and that is only going to increase the more I exercise. I only have a number of weeks to make changes to my bio-stats before I get tested again. I want to do this. I want to show that I am capable of getting healthier.
     Caleb has slowly been changing to wanting more hugs, and it warms my heart that my son wants me to hug him. He is my only baby. He will always be my baby boy. I use to carry him everywhere when he was a baby until he was about 3 years old. I held him as much as possible. I wanted him on my hip or on my back, even on my front. I liked having my baby close. I could protect him easier. I could comfort him easier. He would fall asleep in my arms. He crawled on the couch the other night to sleep beside me. He said he slept good that way. He said I kept him warm. I'm sure he felt safer. It makes my heart smile when all 3 of us are on the couch together to sleep. Bella loves to cuddle up.
     One of the reasons I don't push him to sleep in his room, on his bed, is that there will be a whole lifetime of sleeping in a room, in a bed ahead of him. He is still young, and if he wants to sleep near me, I'm not going to force him to "grow up." He's already growing too fast.
     I wish there was an easier way to dissolve the extra fat on my body. You would think that by now, 2020, there would be better ways to lose fat weight, but the same options exist now as they did 10 years ago. I haven't seen any progress in the field of bariatric care. I wonder why they haven't looked into using tape worms in a medical way to lose weight. I mean they were using maggots!
     Surgery isn't for me. If I could eat less than 1200 calories a day, I would. I don't need to force that upon myself for pre- and post-surgery. Diet and exercise is all I've got. I eat healthy foods. I consume too many calories to lose weight. My body says "I'm hungry" and I don't feel satisfied until I am full. I only eat one meal a day, otherwise, I eat a snack. I try to eat mostly whole foods, not processed. I stay away from sugar, and monitor my carbs. I drink my required water daily, usually plus some diet soda. It's a really big deal for me to walk. Otherwise, I hardly walk because I'm in a very small house that doesn't require a lot of walking to get from one place to another. It's hard to imagine that I use to be extremely active and fit. I feel so old because of my health conditions and my weight.
     Caleb asked me if it was expensive to go to the Emergency Room, while we were there. I told him "Yes, but the health insurance should cover the costs." I mentioned that he has Medicaid, and somehow the conversation turned to "Are we poor?" I told him "Yes." I talk to him about not being able to afford new toys or groceries and gas all the time. I guess he never thought about it before. The cost of living is more than I make, which is why I am in so much debt. I can't exactly drive a car that doesn't pass inspection because its tires are bald. I have to buy new tires. I can't keep paying a high water bill because the toilet runs. I have to fix the toilet. I can't store food in a broken freezer. I have to fix the freezer. The list goes on. I feel the disabled, to include me, should be given extra money to maintain housing, not just pay the rent/mortgage but keep up with its maintenance. I have to find a way out of this debt hole I've created. Expenses keep coming out of nowhere, and increasing, but my pay remains the same. It's not profitable to be disabled.
     Caleb wanted to watch a movie about Jesus last night, so I had him put on "The Passion of the Christ." He fell asleep before half of it was over. He had a lot of questions. We watched the visually impaired commentary version because it was in a foreign language with English subtitles. It was like listening to a book with a moving picture.
     I was shopping for a proper medic kit, and they are so expensive! One place wanted more than $1,000 for kit. It was fully loaded, I give them that, but there's no way I can afford that.
     I am not going to die from starvation. I am not going to starve at all. I thought I would just put this there. I still have deep seated food insecurity insecurities. If I can convince myself that I am going to survive, no, I am going to thrive, maybe I can work out my mental blockages to losing weight. I do spend a lot of my time focusing on how I am going to be able to afford food to eat that is within my dietary restrictions. I keep thinking, if only I could make more money...
     As I am learning more about how to control or influence my symptoms of my health problems, I am making changes. Nutrition is not one size fits all. It's highly to specific to an individual's needs and tolerances. I've come a long way. I'm doing much better without my dad, Sharon, and Christinia around. I have more room to grow. I'm not being held down by other people's problems.
     I wonder if I should look into cyber security training. I could do that from home, I would think. There is training available to veterans. I'm going to think about it. 

Thursday, June 25, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 38

     Today's prompt is "What are three things you have to buy?" Well, since I went out shopping yesterday, not much. I had to buy replacement steri-strips for Caleb's hand. I ended up buying $80 in first aid supplies. I needed a pair of dressing scissors, liquid bandage, butterfly bandages, steri-strips, more generic neosporin with pain relief, bleedstop pouches, ear plugs, miralax, and disposable lens wipes. Yep, I may have trained as Medic, just maybe. I didn't "need" all of that stuff, but I have a Caleb, and I figured I would be prepared.

     I tried to sleep through the night but I kept waking up. Wake up, Go back to sleep. Wake up. Go back to sleep. I didn't want to write my blog at 2:30 in the morning this morning. It's 9:26 am now.

     Yesterday I was achy, tired, and sore. I didn't walk. I took a rest day instead. I didn't do everything I set out to do, but I still pushed myself to do some things. It's hard to rest when there's so much cleaning up that needs to be done.

     I had to order Caleb a new wardrobe. He can't find the clothes I feel I just bought for him. I bet they are hidden under the bed. I just paid that credit card off, and now it's maxed again. What can I do about it? I don't have the cash on hand, and my boy is growing fast.

     Caleb "found" my weighted vest and is in love with it. It has 20lbs. of weights in it, but it holds up to 80lbs.

     I cooked salmon for the first time in probably 15 years. Caleb loved it so much, he requested that all future purchases of fish be salmon! Awesome! I love it when he likes healthy foods. He's the only 11 year old I know who will eat brussels sprouts, asparagus, cabbage, collard greens. broccoli, zucchini, zucchini squash, cucumbers, and celery without argument. It's funny though, he won't eat salad.

     I started the new WoVen group last night. I am hopeful I will emerge with new friends. It's one thing to read about PTSD, it's another to live with it. The same goes for most diagnoses.

     I haven't been keeping up with my online classes. I have been putting my energy towards walking. It takes a lot to get me on that incline trainer. There is a great part of me that fights it because it's going to cause pain. It's going to make me tired. It's going to take time away from other things. The other part of me knows it's what I need to do to get better. It's an internal war!

     It's dark here and looks like it's going to be raining all day today. It's good day to stay at home.
      I have to go back and read what I wrote the past few days because I know I brought up some stuff that I want to remember to do, but I have already forgotten it.

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 37

     Today's prompt is "Are you seeking contentment or excitement?" I am seeking contentment. My anxiety around travelling and crowds is such that I no longer want excitement. It's too draining.

     I had to get up this morning because I was soaked in sweat and needed to air out. I can't sleep if I'm hot. I bought a portable air conditioner unit last year, and have not completely set it up. I think it might be time to do that later on today.

     So today we had to run to the Emergency Room. Caleb had a fall at the park, by the water, on some rocks and oyster shells and cut hand pretty deep. Some good Samaritans brought him home on their golf cart. The Medic in me took over right away, I didn't flinch even for a second. I helped Caleb wash his hand with anti-bacterial soap and water, douse the wound in iodine, and apply neosporin and a non-stick gauze and wrap to cover it. It takes about 20 minutes or so to get from the house to our choice of ER, Dosher Memorial Hospital in Southport. From the time we got there to to time we left was about 2 hours in total. I have never left that ER in less than 4 hours, so we did pretty good. The doctor who was working was awesome, and so was the nurse. Sometimes we win, other times we have to suck it up and move on.
     Sometimes I wish I could have worked as an EMT. I studied so hard to pass the National Registry for EMT. I worked from dawn until dusk Monday-Friday for weeks on end in San Antonio at Ft. Sam Houston. I still have my books and notes.
     Caleb swears he doesn't want to go back to the park, but I wouldn't be surprised if he asks me later on today to go again.



     They used something called "Steri-strips" instead of sutures. We didn't have this when I was studying. I think it's cool.

     In other news, I took some not so photogenic pictures of myself today.

     My mustache.


     My beard.


     My white hairs.

     Yep that's PCOS and age setting in. I've been told I should wax and dye my hair, but that's just not me. I shouldn't be ashamed of things I can't control. Besides waxing hurts, and dying damages my hair. 

     Well, Caleb had his evaluation at the occupational therapist's office today. He was referred by his psychiatrist, and we should hear something in about a week. I hope they can help him some kind of way. 

     I made it through my walk this morning. Day 2 of Week 3 is done! I'm really proud I have made it this far without quitting. I hope I reach my goals. Yesterday I posted that I wanted an accountability partner for my exercising on a weight loss group I belong to for the morbidly obese. One member offered to start a private group of all of us that commented and wanted to partner up, and now we have a new group of just us! Up until now, I have volunteered Nichole to take the position. I send her proof pictures that I walked for the day, whether she wants them or not. LOL So, because she has been less responsive lately, I took it upon myself to find someone who would be more supportive. 
     I am going to be attending a 2nd WoVen group starting later on today. I have been offered training to become a WoVen group leader too! I hope to meet more women who I have more things in common with. 
     I've re-focused my goals with Caleb. I think I am getting through to him, that I want to keep him from getting hurt and protect him from harm. I asked today, " Do you have more faith in my ability to care for you now?" after we got home from the ER. He said "Yes."
     Earlier today, Caleb asked for alone time, and asked if he could read a book. Now that is something I will never say No to! I was pleasantly surprised at the request. I guess our interaction yesterday did some good. While we were arguing he took a basket of books and yelled "Here are your stupid books!" I said "Watch yourself! You start destroying my the stuff I bought for you, I'll start destroying your stuff too!" I also may have something to the effect of "You don't get smart playing video games all day, you get smarter by reading books and learning! " That was where the Trump comment came in. It fits as I think Trump is the most ignorant person to ever lead this country in my lifetime. 
     I told Caleb he has to take a math placement test, because the last time he took it, he showed no effort and scored as a first grader. He said, "I'm stupid," and I quickly responded, "No you are not!" I told him if wanted me to help him, I would, but he has to be willing to do the work. He said, " You can't help me! I have to take the test alone!" and I responded, " I can help you prepare for the test, Caleb." I can help him study this summer and he can take the test when he goes back to school. He has to be willing to sit still and work for a period of time though, without arguing. I have a collection of workbooks for summer studying that I wanted to use, but haven't, because he is so oppositional and defiant. I've got other things that need tending to too, ya know? I don't have to waste my time arguing with a child. He's only hurting himself. I'm trying to show him that. I keep telling him that it's only going to get harder. I want to see him successful. I want him to understand what his teachers are teaching. He has to be able to pay attention. I want him to be excited to learn new things. I think the PTSD has gotten the best of him, and I am breaking down some walls he has built up since the incidents with my dad. 
     I know he says things like "I don't care" when he really does. It's because he has been mistreated, He also use to say things like "I don't trust you." Well, that's understandable considering what he's been through. Having a cell phone has been helpful in showing that not only do I care, but other people care too. He can call Aunt Lisa or our cousins. He can call Grammie (my mom) or Kenneth. This is a time when people who care need to show it. He use to be able to call Nichole or his cousins, but they stopped answering his calls because he would call so often. We lack social time right now, and everyone needs to pull together to support one another, especially us. Only my Aunt Lisa and my mom ever call or text to see how we are doing. It's lonely and boring to repeat myself everyday with the chores. It's nice to chat. Caleb gets lonely and bored even faster than I do. It wouldn't be much different without the pandemic, not for us. 
     Later today, I have a plan for what I want to do. I want to start the laundry up, do my walk, cool off, start dinner in the crock pot (maybe), wash dishes and take it easy in the air conditioning. In the evening I have my WoVen group online and get to meet new people. That's a full day for me as I have to have Caleb collect all his clothes that have been scattered everywhere, and wash them. I haven't been keeping up with the dishes, so I have to catch back up. Caleb is going to help me get some of the floors cleared for vacuuming and shampooing. 
     Oh so... the new compression socks are working I think. I wore them today and my feet didn't hurt from walking. They cover up to the knee so they get a bit hotter than the other ones I wearing with the open toe. Those are ankle length. They are a good addition to have. My stride has not worked itself out yet. I am still off center when I walk. It's still noticeable, but I guess it's just going to take more time to adjust. My back isn't killing me after I walk. That's awesome! I can't wait to be able to walk even faster, and up higher inclinations! I just want to be as fit as I was prior to hospitalization. If a 90 year old lady can be a fitness model and competitor, I can do what I set out to do. 
     I remember being in Korea and getting ready for a change of command ceremony. Some of us were outside and marching, and I got called out. Apparently I wasn't staying in sync with the other soldiers. It's kind of hard to do when you have a leg longer than the other. Comments were always being made in basic training about how I was not marching right. I wasn't singled out, but I knew the Drill Sergeants were talking about me. I just had a feeling. I loved to sing cadence though. They knew when I was feeling good and when I was sick because the volume dramatically changed. I was in basic when everyone became concerned with MRSA. We passed the crud amongst ourselves over and over throughout the winter. I was living on cough drops! I couldn't breathe through my nose and was coughing all the time. It sucked. 
     Only those who have been through basic training in Ft. Leonard Wood to completion, have an idea what it is to be there for 2 classes. I was there twice as long as a normal soldier. Some "soldiers" didn't last the first phase (there were three). I was quiet in basic training. I figured out right away that it was not a good thing to be singled out by Drill Sergeants. Oh no. It wasn't going to be me. I tried to be as bland as wallpaper-ish as possible. When my dad came to what was supposed to be my graduation, and talked to Drill Sergeant Davis about how he was an Airborne soldier... oh man! He was like "Why didn't you tell me de Mello?" I knew they would push me even harder if I had told them. Shiiiiitttttttt. LOL
     Yep. It may not mean much that I served in the Army as a woman in my time, but I happen to be the first female to serve in the military in my family. I'm second generation Army. In case you haven't figured out, I like finding my significance in out family history. If Caleb decides to serve, and is Airborne trained, he will be the third generation of Airborne trained males. Pretty impressive considering neither of my parents are American-born. 
     I wish I could have taken more pictures in training. I did not have a phone with a camera at the time. They were not yet available, if I'm not mistaken. It would have made looking for battle buddies a lot easier! Unfortunately, I lost all connection with my battle buddies once we were separated and went our separate paths. 
     I can't believe this female soldier in Texas has been missing for so long and no one thought to report it and investigate until , what has it been months later? If I didn't show up to work on time at work call in the morning, my First Sergeant would come to my residence and investigate as to why immediately. What the Hell? Who is in charge here? SMDH
     And what about the George Floyd case? I haven't seen anything today regarding it. Usually I can't escape all the posts on facebook from the news. 
     I need to find out about mailing in my vote. I voted for Obama that way when I was in Korea. I don't want to go in person to vote this year. Too many people don't give a shit about the Coronavirus, and won't wear masks. If they won't wear a mask, which is highly visible, what else aren't they doing to manage the spread? 
     I've got my photo shoot coming up in July. I hope my photographer holds that baby in! LOL She is very pregnant. I hope the photos turn out as good or better than the last ones we took. 
     Southport usually has a whole day of festivities for the 4th of July, but all that is cancelled this year. Everything is going virtual. I think I read that fireworks will still be on display, but no gatherings of crowds allowed. Caleb and I have participated in the 4th of July parade with Warrior Ride once or twice. Unfortunately the founder passed away, and the non-profit was closed. 
     I am trying to get back into participating with Wounded Warrior Project, but I haven't heard anything from them recently. I don't know why. I might need to look into that. 
     I saw that the first woman has graduated from the Special Forces course. I wish that could have been me. That's so stinkin' awesome I can hardly stand it! 
     So apparently we are in a great energy shift from a 3D existence to a 5D existence. I'm not sure where I stand on this. I need to do more reading about what it entails. 
    Also, time travel has been made possible on a quantum scale. Now how the Hell do you measure going back in time? How do you know if a sub-atomic particle has travelled through time in reverse? Can someone explain this to me? I need quantum physics books for Christmas. 
     A friend of mine, who happens to be a Jehovah's Witness, says the end is near. I thought the end was near in 2001 on 9/11. Here we are in 2020 making things worse. I can't believe the damage and destruction we cause on a daily basis to our environment. Our water is tainted and polluted for God's sake! I can't filter my water enough. I won't even give the dog tap water to drink. She drinks the same water I do, filtered from the fridge. Organic food is more expensive than food that was raised with chemicals and artificial means. I eat mostly whole foods, and I can hardly afford to feed myself! As a matter of fact, I CAN'T afford to feed myself. I don't eat organic food because it's too expensive. My Aunt Lisa buys food for us on a regular basis. 
     I'm in a trap. My house needs repairs, so I want to refinance my mortgage. I can't refinance my mortgage because the house has to pass inspection with a VA appraisal. I can't pass inspection because my house needs repairs! Insanity! So I live in a house that needs a lot of work because I can't afford to pay to have it fixed without refinancing the mortgage first. 
     Meanwhile, I am struggling to pay my debts and increase my credit score. I really hate that I can not capitalize on my education and experiences. It's a sloooooow process because I don't make a lot of money. Heaven forbid something unexpected happens! On a positive note, I am only 2 months away from paying off 1 account, and 3 months away from paying off another account. I try to keep that in mind. I AM making progress. 
     I'm trying to give it what I've got. I'm doing the best I can with what's available to me. Deep breaths. I might need to move, but I don't want to move away because I have relationships with my medical team, and Caleb with his. I need to meditate on things. 


Tuesday, June 23, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 36

     Today's prompt is "What are you obsessively listening to?" I have begun to listen to a  station on Pandora. It's a pop/dance music mix for workouts. Typically I am listening while I am walking.

     So I am very happy to announce that I had a successful Monday! I walked in the morning, while I was bored, and waiting to figure out what to do for the day. I did add the 6% incline to my workout, and I completed it without hurting myself.
     My incline trainer has increments of inclination : -6%, -3%, 0%, 3%, 6%, 10%, 15%, 20%, 25%, 30%  35%, and 40%, so I have a lot to work on. I don't think I will be going downhill anytime soon. I also think it goes up to 15mph. Right now, I am focusing on just doing the walk, so I am only moving at 2mph. Later, I will increase my speed as it becomes easier to move. I want to make sure I can enjoy the walk on some level, or I might quit. I don't want to make it so hard to do that I hurt myself either.
     Also, my weigh-in was successful in that I lost weight again! It wasn't much, but that's not what I am concerned with. I'm focusing on the fact that I'm losing, no matter what the amount.
     I am wearing my new compression socks that I ordered from Amazon. I will find out tomorrow if they are helpful or not.
     Walmart had the ramen noodles in the flavor Caleb likes, so I was able to buy him more of what he likes to have for lunch. I bought myself more celery and cucumbers as that is what I like to snack on during the day. I also boiled some eggs on Sunday, so even though there was nothing else to really snack on, I had something to eat. Caleb wanted an individual sized pumpkin pie, and it was only $0.50, so I was able to get him one. Even though we have a tight budget, I like to be able to get him things that are not on "the list." I try to include him on the buying and shopping process so he picks up what I am doing to make sure we stay within the budget. I walk around with the calculator on my phone, keeping the total cost as we put items in the cart. I ask him to read labels to find out information like nutrition facts and prices. He helps me unload the cart to ring up the items we are buying, and he helps me unload the cart to load the Mazda. Then he brings the groceries to the kitchen so I can put the groceries away. 
     Today Caleb and I had a fight. He wanted to wear clothes that were given to him by Billy. Well, Billy is a grown man, and Caleb is 11.5 years old. The clothes don't fit him properly and the pants fall off his butt, and the shirts are too big too. Caleb threw a fit because he didn't want to wear shorts like I suggested. I told him that I spent a lot of money on his clothes so that he would always look like somebody cared about him. His clothes would always fit properly, and make him look like the handsome young man he is. I told him, it's hot outside. The Summer is here, and it's time to wear shorts and short sleeved shirts. He should have plenty as I just bought them. Well, he argued that he didn't have any. Then he said he didn't know where they were. Then he said he didn't have any that clean. LOL OMG this kid. He got mad at me for not doing the laundry! I told him, if he wanted to have clean laundry when he wanted, maybe he should learn to wash his own laundry! That way he wouldn't have to wait for when I feel better to have the laundry washed. Then he got mad because I never taught him to wash his laundry. I told him he has to ask and show that he cares first. I'm not going to let him use my machines if he is going to break them. I'm not made of money, and those machines are expensive! He was mad that he didn't know where his basketball shorts were. I told him he would know where his clothes are if he had a clean room. He didn't want to hear that. Earlier, my Aunt Lisa offered a reward for cleaning his room, $50. You would think that would have motivated him to clean it, right? Nope. He was just as angry and unwilling to work as he was before. He wanted to argue and yell at me so much that I had to take away his video games. Now that really made him upset. I told him he had to earn them back. He had to show respect, and clean his room. Believe or not, this whole episode lasted about an hour or longer. There was a lot of yelling. Caleb likes to call me names when he is angry. I like to tell him he acting like Trump. Oh! When I did that, he told me I was being emotionally abusive! LOL It's easy to laugh now, not so much when it is happening.
     The more of these fights we have, the easier it is for me to separate myself from the equation. His actions on not based on me, they are based on him. It can be draining to go so long on one argument. I actually didn't do much else today. Besides, it got warm in the house, and I was sweating just from sitting in my chair and breathing. It's only going to get worse. I wish I could afford to upgrade the insulation in the attic. I know that would help keep the house cool in the Summer.
     Also, the more of these fights we have, the more I can show Caleb what a Saint I am. I will not put my hands on him in anger. It's an important lesson to learn because of his traumatic experience with my dad. Not all adults are the same. Not everyone is out to hurt him. That kind of thinking is common with him. We can disagree all day long, but in the end I am his mother, and he will respect what I say to do and do it. He can do what he wants, but he will also pay the consequences for his actions. He still doesn't understand that I am more than a playmate. We do play and joke a lot, but I do not have the energy of an 11 year old. I can not keep up with in so many things right now. I am his mother, and that is not really my place anyway. He needs to have friends, but with COVID-19, everyone should be social distancing. It's tough on us both. We both have social needs that are not being met. I do not have any local friends either.
     Today would have been a good day to go the beach. It was warm outside, but I could bear it for awhile. It was sunny and breezy. I thought about it on the way home from Walmart, but I had milk in the car, and had to get it home. Once I got home, I didn't want to go back out.
     I think it's harder on Caleb that I am disabled. He doesn't have any reference as to what "normal" looks like. He thinks we live a "normal" life, and we sooo don't.
     For instance, I have had to explain that just because I don't have a job like other parents do, doesn't mean that I don't or haven't at some point earned my money. I had to tell him that I am a hard worker, but I am also "sick." I am not like other parents. I have illnesses that make me tired, exhausted, unable to sleep at night, in pain, etc. I explained to him that every day I do the best I can do with how I am feeling at the time. I don't know if he completely understands, but I have at least had a few conversations about it.
     I have been sitting on the first volume of my blog books for a couple of weeks now. I told him we would go over it together. Maybe I will start to read it with him tomorrow. I recently received the second volume in the mail, but haven't opened it yet to see how it turned out. I want to buy a foot locker/chest for Caleb and put these books along with other things in it to keep safe for the future. I have so many photo books that I have created and collected over the years, with him in mind. I think it's time to share some family history with him so he has some sort of reference as to where I am coming from. It will have more meaning to him as he grows older. I don't know how much time I have on this Earth, and I don't take it for granted. I never know what the day holds for me, and I like to be prepared. I don't want Caleb to ever feel like I didn't try to teach him what's important in life, and what to live by. I don't want him to grow up and feel lost, because I will always be with him in his heart to guide him.
     It took me 37 years to get to where I am, and I could have gotten here a lot faster if 1) I had help and guidance from a trustworthy source, and 2) I wasn't constantly recovering from an abusive situation. For so long, I thought so little of myself. I hardly spoke. I was lost as to what it meant to be a woman. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to behave? I still don't have all the answers, anyone with a mother in their life had at 13.
     I don't want Caleb to grow up like I did, and unfortunately he is growing up without a male role model in his life. I want him to feel safe with me, always.
     When I feel like I'm not making a difference in the world, I look at Caleb and Bella. However small my actions may be, I am influencing their lives and their futures. I try to hold on to the number of memberships I have to groups that make a difference on my behalf. The older groups stand in Congress and fight for veterans without ceasing. I take surveys for women veterans to influence how we are cared for as a group. I sign petitions to change laws. I write this blog. I post on facebook. I take classes online, where we discuss as a group. I may not have much money, but I do have some time to spare. I do care. I haven't quite figured out where I am meant to be. I haven't quite found my tribe of peers yet.
     Caleb is 11.5 years old. I can hardly believe it. I look back on old photos, and I wish he was still my little baby boy. I wish I could hold him all day in my arms, or at least until my arms fall asleep. I want Caleb to believe with all his being that he can do whatever he puts his mind to. I want him to believe that his dreams can come true if he is willing to put forth the effort and work. We get so wrapped up in daily tasks, sometimes it's helpful to step back. The world is not all about keeping a clean room, but if you can keep a clean room, it will create a discipline that will be helpful later in life. There is a video on youtube by a General Officer talking about the importance of making your bed in the morning. It's true. We do it every morning in the Army. To standard.
     I wish I could get my thoughts together about how to take everything I have learned so far and make it accessible to Caleb. Many times my brain does not function properly and I lose the words to describe what I see as pictures in my mind. I wish I could use telepathy to transfer "files" from my brain to Caleb's . LOL
     Seriously though, I have a lot of memory problems. I wish I could defragment my brain's hard drive and get things in order. I don't know where it stems from. I think my medications have a lot to do with it, plus the recurrence of traumas recently. I want to rewire my brain. The brain is neuro-plastic. I still have not found the answer to how to reprogram my brain. I know meditation is one way. I want to enjoy life, not keep reliving traumatic memories. I know from the depths of my being that it is possible to change. Once I figure it out for myself, you bet your ass I am teaching Caleb. He is so young to have experienced so much. He deserves to live a better life.
     I have classes in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that I need to complete. I know I will find some answers there. I have paid for them, and they are waiting for me to start, when I am ready and can commit to the programs. I also know that just by exercising, like I have been, changes the way my brain functions for the better. Listening to music is also another way to influence the brain. I have so many books waiting for me to read too. I've got the tools, just need to schedule it in my planner.
     Well, I guess I have my next goals now! I can't allow myself to be dragged down by daily chores and appointments. This is too important to how we live our lives, to our futures. I must find a way to stay committed to learning these things, and not give up.