Today's prompt is "How did you get to work today?" Well, I do not go to work because I do not have a job. That's partially true. I have lots of work to do, but I don't get a paycheck to do it. I'm a stay at home mom. My work is never done. I usually do a lot of cleaning every day.
Today was difficult because I was experiencing cramps and body soreness all over, and just generalized pain everywhere. It did not really hit me until I laid down for a nap around noon. Prior to that, I was able to get 4 loads of laundry folded and put away. In addition, I washed one load of laundry today, and dried 2 loads of laundry. Much later on I was able to handwash some dishes, and put some dishes in the dishwasher. So, even though I was suffering, I still got lots done.
I had Caleb apply an Icy Hot back patch on my lower back before trying to go to sleep. I also used a Vitality brand essential oil blend called "Pain Away" earlier in the day.
There is a thunder storm outside right now, so I may have been feeling the upcoming weather. That does happen quite often. It's times like these I wish I had some marijuana edibles to help me sleep without pain.
I still have my finger bandaged from yesterday. I applied a new band aid this morning and added some medical tape to keep it from falling off, like the previous did.
Not much else happened today. I was very sleepy and fatigued. It is now 10:43pm, and I am only up because I needed to use the bathroom. I am very thirsty now. I am going to be careful not to drink Diet Mountain Dew though, because I want to be able to go to sleep. So, that being said, I am off to bed. I may return later. It just depends on when I wake back up if I can go back to sleep.
It's now 2:25 in the morning. I'm soaking wet from sweat. I've been drinking my flavored water drink all night. I have an unquenchable thirst. Sponge Bob is still playing on the tv. Bella was sleeping on the floor because Caleb fell asleep on the recliner before she could jump up there with him. She likes to go there when there is a thunder storm outside. I'm tired, but can't sleep when I'm hot.
I'm using the doTerra Balance essential oil blend in the roller bottle I received from the free kit I was sent. I love this roller bottle idea. I don't make a mess when applying essential oils anymore.
I finally got my face mask washed! I'm so happy that most of the stains came out and it looks new again. I'm going to need it later on today when I go to the VA to exchange my metformin.
I was told today that I think a lot. I don't know. I guess. How much does the average person think? I've never known a highly intelligent, excuse for me for saying so, person who didn't think a lot. Then again, I've never met a person like me either. I tested for MENSA once, some years ago. I wasn't prepared for the length of time sitting in one place, and I couldn't finish the test accurately. I ended up filling in answers just to get out of there. The preliminary test on their site, online, led me to believe that I have an above average IQ. I can tell you though, I'm not good at the puzzles. I don't have the patience to figure them out, and I don't know just by looking at them.
I am requesting my Personnel File from my time in the Army. I want to review my ASVAB scores. I was 23, I think, when I took it. I had been out of school for a long time by then. My Recruiter was happy to see my score, even though I thought it wasn't good enough. Since then, I've been to all kinds of schools and made good grades, so I know I'm highly capable.
Part of coming from abusive situations where gaslighting is used, is that you start to doubt yourself. Christinia tried to use gaslighting against me. It didn't work. I was raised by my dad. I think it pissed her off. LOL The devil in her could never make me feel any sort of way but sorrow for her. I felt badly because her reality was so distorted. It was literally crazy. She would tell me things as if they were facts, as if she could tell the future, but they were just her narcissistic opinions. What she believed about Caleb's future was very hurtful. The things she would say, and believe to be true. It was awful. I couldn't change her mind because she believed she was right and I was wrong, always. Well, she knew Caleb for some months. I'd known Caleb for 10 years by that time. I didn't realize his behavior would change right away when she was gone, or I would have made her leave sooner. They hated each other. I'm glad that's over.
We had salmon for dinner. I bought specifically because Caleb was excited about liking the first time I made it. He didn't eat his food tonight. What a waste. I'm going to eat it eventually, but still.
I found that I only have 2 more days of Caleb's ADHD medication, Focalin, yesterday. It can not be refilled until July 7th. Sooo... Where did the week of medication go? I have a feeling that Caleb has been doing something he shouldn't be doing with them. I don't have any proof yet, but I will change how things go on from on. It's just the 2 of us in this house. I didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to with them. That only leaves him. Bella doesn't have opposable thumbs, so she can't turn the bottle top.
I printed out my list of chores that I created as a part of my "playbook" Excel workbook in February. I showed Caleb my responsibilities so he could have an idea of what goes on in my head every day of the week. I tried to explain to him that if we clean an area and keep it clean, we won't have so much work to do around the house, and we can do other things. I don't know if I'm getting through to him. His lack of work ethic is beyond me. I was never that way, and I don't get it. I try and I try to explain and model and show examples using his friends and their houses. Every child his age has work to do around the house. Every family has their own way of maintaining the living conditions. We are not the only ones who need to keep a clean home. I say this over and over.
I'm trying to figure out what expenses I have coming up so I can prepare for them. I made a list of things I know I have coming up, like Bella's vet appointments and car registrations and taxes. I'm weary. I DO think a lot. I have no one to share the burden of living with. Everything is up to me, so I am forced to think a lot in order to maintain afloat.
I've eaten a lot of peanut crackers this morning. I feel like I was waking up every 20 minutes or so and having 1 to 2 packs of cracker each time. I don't know why I thought that would keep me asleep.
I'm so thirsty, even now! I've had at least 4 Diet Mountain Dews. I made a 2 liter flavored water drink before laying down tonight, and drank the whole things already. I don't know what's going on. I wonder what my blood sugar is. Should be fine. I took my medication like normal. Ok so my blood sugar is 184. Not desirable, but understandable as I ate so many carbs in the peanut butter crackers.
I don't know how this school year is going to look. I hope Caleb can go to school. He needs to physically go to school. He will not do distance learning. We've tried... well, I tried to get him to. I'm not going to fight everyday to make sure he goes online and does his work. That's not right. That's how it is though. I hate O.D.D., and that's exactly what it is. It's a huge argument that leads to him getting violent at times. He's so defiant. It's not normal. I don't care what other people say. He may be 11.5 now, and a pre-teen now, but it didn't just start now. It's been going on for years! It's not normal. It just isn't.
When I went to request my OMPF (Personnel File), I had to review my contact information and my dad's information was there. I don't know what to do about that. Should I do anything? I don't want to. I'm not going to. I've made my point. Karma will catch up to him.
My last argument with Caleb was over cleaning his room the other day. He wanted permission to go to the park, and I told him no because his room wasn't clean. He came up with some whack-a-doo arguments and even just plainly said he didn't want to do it. I told him that part of growing up is having responsibilities and things you don't want to do, but need to do. I tried telling him that all of his friends have to keep their rooms clean. He is not the only one. He told me to stop looking at him. I told him he's not in control of my eyes. I told him to go to his room. He said "No!" Then he came closer to me and got in my personal space. I told him to get out of my personal space. He said "You get out of my personal space!" I said "You came to me, I didn't go to you. Go to your room." He responded by yelling "No!" Then I tried to reason with him. I said "Caleb. You don't want me to look at you, you don't want me to be in your personal space, but you won't got to your room where I am not going? How much sense does that make?" I remained calm through it all. He yells when he gets angry and frustrated. I told him he was angry and needed to go cool down in his room for a minute. I don't know why but he came to me crying. I guess he keeps trying to push his boundaries and see if I will mistreat him the same way my dad, Sharon, and Christinia did, but I never do. I'm a lot more mentally stable than they are and besides, he's my only child. I was also better versed in modern child psychological disorders than they were. They believed you could and should beat it out of him. Sharon is one class away from a PhD in Nursing, and she supported my dad choking Caleb! If she ever finishes that degree, I will find a way to make sure she never gets hired. According to all of them, Caleb's behavior is completely my fault because I am a bad parent. Knowing what you know about me, would you say that is true? I will never believe that. Ever. I'd die for Caleb. There's no limit to how far I would go for Caleb. It's shown in the amount of help I have recruited in his care. I'm not alone in thinking that Caleb needs help. I'm also not alone in thinking that Caleb is not a bad kid. He has problems and works differently than others, but he is kind-hearted and a generally happy kid.
Ok friends, I am drinking the last Diet Mountain Dew in the house. I don't think I will make it through tomorrow without buying more. It is what it is. No pressure. Times are hard. This is one of my coping mechanisms.
I wonder what kind of Hell Christinia is living in. Some people just can't accept good things in their lives. She is one of them.
I wish I would have paid more of my credit card debt down with that stimulus check. I had bills to pay though, and medications to buy, and I needed pizza. I don't normally have money for pizza, so I totally went for it. I wish they would send a second payment out. I could really use the help. I go into more debt every day. It seems like I'm doing worse than before, but I know that is not true because I have accounts that are almost paid off and will not ever be reused. I was only able to buy first aid supplies the other day because I purchased with my credit card. The same with the groceries. I don't normally qualify for Food Stamps, but I wish I did.
It's now 4:44 in the morning. Where does the time go? I really am more productive when it's dark outside. I wish I felt the same way in the winter months when it always seems to be dark outside. I get so depressed with the shorter days.
I am going to weigh-in this morning. I am not looking forward to that this time, as I only walked 2 out of the 5 days I was suppose to. I was just not feeling it. It was really difficult to do much of anything. It's hard to maintain a routine that involves physical activity when your body works against you and is in pain for no apparent reason. I wish I could take baths, but I am too big for my small 1986 bathtub. I want to make changes to my house but don't know how feasible it is. It might be cheaper and more worthwhile to build my own handicap-accessible house. I need wider doorways, wider hallways, wider bathtub, and more space around the sink. A bidet would be nice. I want a bathtub with jets or a hot tub. I need the massaging effects of the water to make my soreness go away. My quality of life would be so much better if I could make the pain go away in a relaxing manner at home by myself. I can't do massage therapy because I don't like to be touched. It hurts! I only hug those I can trust not to put pressure on my body. I never let my dad touch me because he is heavy handed and has no idea how rough he is. I hurt myself earlier today! I touched an area that was sensitive, that on a normal person isn't sensitive, and rubbed it. It was painful to the bone! Fibromyalgia. Over-active nervous system. The same thing that causes my seizures, on the most basic level.
Thank God I don't have a menstrual cycle anymore! I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with the pain I dealt with as a teenager, and Caleb at the same time. I was always vomiting (my body's response to the extreme pain). I got sent home so frequently from school in my earlier years. Every month the same thing. My dad, nor Sharon (now a Master's Degree holding Nurse) never thought to take me to a doctor to have me examined. It's really unbelievable, when I think about how much pain and suffering I could have been spared if they had taken me to seek medical care.
Sharon has told me a number of times, "We never thought anything was wrong with you. You were the last one in the family that needed medical care." WTF?! I only went through the same things Mathew did. Did that not qualify me for similar treatment? They sought mental health care for him, but not me, because of his behaviors. I am a girl. I was born and raised to behave differently than a boy. Just because I didn't act out in the same ways, didn't mean I wasn't acting out. My dad and Sharon would say things like " When you get in to trouble it's usually over something big, and not that often. When your brother gets into trouble it's every day something new." SO? Sharon had 3 kids of her own. 2 were biologically related, one was adopted. They were all in college when I was in middle school. My question is simply WTF?! None of them keep in touch with her now. NONE. They don't care that she can't afford to pay all of her bills every month. They don't care that she is ill. They just don't care, PERIOD. What does that say about her? Of all 5 of us kids, I was the only one to ever allow my dad and Sharon to reside with me, and I did it TWICE! What really happened to her kids that they, as adults, don't give a shit about their own mother?
I don't know. I just don't know. Did they not care? How can you see me every month like that and not do something about it? That's just another form of abuse. I remember Sharon saying something like "I can't wait to see you when you're pregnant!" as a response to my monthly reaction to the pain caused by menstruation.
You know what? Now some of my veteran sisters face the same type of mentality when trying to get access to health care. We faced the same things as the males soldiers did, but don't get equal treatment because we are women. All of us don't get specific care for Women's issues. I am fortunate that I do. It's a reason I don't want to move away. I know it's hard out there. I know the VA sucks in most places. There has got to female representation of veterans in Congress. That's all there is to it. Having more Women Veteran Only groups available and sending representatives to speak on our behalf is critical. Having more studies done on Female Veterans specifically is essential. Our health MATTERS!
I feel like I have to fight for so many things. I try to keep up with so many issues and sign petitions, contact my representatives, be active in taking surveys etc. I can't keep up with all of it! Please, if you are reading this, VOTE. I am requesting to vote by mail by having an absentee ballot mailed to me. You should be able to do the same.
It's 5:28 am here, and I need to go back to bed. Caleb wakes up relatively early and is ready to play all day long from the time he wakes up to the time he falls asleep. I need my rest. Besides, I just finished my Dew. Deuces!
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