I caught my finger in the nail clippers between the handles as I was trying to clip Bella's nails. It cut a round shape in my finger and started bleeding. I am iron deficient and diabetic. Getting hurt is not a good thing. Although I take iron supplements, I can still have trouble when it comes to bleeding.
Yesterday I received a letter from the VA that my metformin needs to be thrown out. They neglected to send me a replacement prescription. I went to the local CVS trying to see if there was anything they could do about it. There wasn't.
Lowe's Foods has fresh sausages that are so delicious! They are buy one get one free this week, and I just could not wait until I got paid to get my share. We had "the Soprano" sausages tonight for dinner.
I spent quality time with Bella, trying to complete her Spa day. I only got her nails done today, so tomorrow I will brush her teeth. I don't groom Bella as often as I should, so she is not accustomed to having me trim her nails, file her nails, or brush her teeth. I just got word that she had plaque on her teeth with the last veterinarian visit. She gets rowdy around other animals, and it's cheaper for me to groom her myself. When I was taking her to the groomer for her nails, I would have to call in advance to make sure she was going to be alone while she was being cared for.
Caleb has found a fishing net at the park and is so excited about it, that he keeps telling me he found it. I wonder if he forgets that he has already told him.
Caleb and I spent some quality time together using his air soft gun. Billy gave it to him about a week ago. I showed him the rear and front sights and how to use them. I also told him the importance of breathing in shooting for real. I'm thinking about reviewing my basic training book and teaching him stuff I learned from it. He's really interested in that kind of stuff and just can't wait until he is 18.
All in all, it was a good day. It was sunny and warm. Although I spend most of the day inside, I still appreciate a beautiful day. I didn't walk again today. I feel like I'm in a funk. I know I'm not going to lose weight this week. I'm trying not to worry. I have to work with myself, and sometimes it's more important to rest than anything else.
Most of Caleb's clothes have shipped from the Children's Place. I'm already looking forward tor returning the excess. Now that I know Caleb has certain things in his size, he doesn't need extra.
Caleb's "bored" a lot. I feel bad for him, but he has no work drive. He is not motivated to work for anything. I'm still trying to get him to clean his room. He gets angry when I bring it up. I don't get angry back, I stay calm and tell him about how he is reacting so he can better see himself. There's a lot of work that he can do around here.
I took a little care of myself today. I took a shower. It may not seem like a big deal to you, and may even sound gross, but I don't shower everyday. It's taxing and takes a lot to do for me. It may not take that much time, but it takes a lot of attention to detail and mental and physical energy. My favorite part is my hair. I love the way my shampoo and conditioner smell.
It's taken some getting use to. I use to shower at least twice a day. Once in the morning, and once after working out, and once before bed... depending on the day. Before I started taking high blood pressure medication, it was scary to shower in hot water. My heart would race and I would hyperventilate. I felt like I was going to faint. I couldn't catch my breath. I have a history of seizures, so I was already scared to shower. That made it worse.
Being obese has its own problems. I am have been unable to reach places to wash, so it took longer to wash. I have to be careful when leaning over, because if I fall, I might not be able to get back up on my own. That's one of the reasons I don't bother shaving my legs. I can't bend over that long to do it, and honestly, I don't see the need. It has no medical benefit.
Have I told you how much I love Bella? LOL Oh my gosh! This dog! I love her so much! I sent her previous owner a picture today. I know he must miss her a great deal. It's been a few years since I adopted Bella, but I still like to keep in contact with him. He is a National Guard soldier. He was being deployed and had no one to take care of her while he was away. That's the only reason he gave Bella up for adoption. I know he would never have wanted to give her up. She is so precious and loving. I wish I could carry her everywhere I go. I wish she would fit in a dog carrier that I could wear like a baby carrier over my belly. I see these dogs in the ASPCA commercials, and I can not even ever imagine doing that to Bella. She is a pampered pup, and will be for as long as I live.
I think about how Caleb and I were separated, and I think about these poor kids in those cages away from their parents. It breaks my heart. I have been separated from Caleb, and I did not want to live any more. I wish I could save the world from itself. There are so many problems due to ignorance and greed. Latinos are not the enemy! Blacks are not the enemy!
I have to wash my mask. It's filthy. I have all kinds of stains on the inside of it from wearing makeup, like anyone can see my lip gloss that I love so much!
I have to wash my lens cleaning cloth too. I wish I could just throw it in with the laundry, but I was told not to.
It's quiet here. The episode of House that Caleb put on to go back to sleep to is over, and the tv is quiet. It's usually not quiet in here. I like my quiet time though. I don't normally have the tv on when Caleb is at school. I spend all day in silence minus my own singing and having conversations with Bella.
I wonder how I'm doing from God's point of view. I wish I could get a status report or something. I don't get emotional these days. I don't feel things like I did once. I'm kind of numb. Desensitized. I don't have my feelings to guide me. I only have my brain. I need both my brain and my heart to work together. I know it's because of my medications. While the anti-depressants keep me from being in a deep depression, they also have side effects. The Lyrica that I'm taking for fibromyalgia and seizures does too. The Lyrica has been shown to destroy neuron firings in the brain, and not allow new connections to be made. This means I have a hard time with brain functioning to its highest level. It also means my brain is not going to have an over abundance of neural firing causing me seizures. I wish I could live my life without all these medications and their side effects. Just give me marijuana already! Legalize marijuana in North Carolina!
I'm already considering opening my own shop once it happens. I can be a weed entrepreneur! The people have spoken! Let there be weed/pot/grass/ganja!
I wonder how Mathew is doing. I am looking forward to him coming home from deployment. I can't wait for him to retire, to be honest. I can't believe he has accomplished so much. I'm proud of him. I wonder how he feels about me. Sometimes I feel like a failure. I just can't compete with others. I have my own lane. It's taken me a long time to realize that I will never be competitive again, and that's ok. It's not easy being disabled. I have to remind myself that I am disabled, and not to think in terms of what I use to be able to do, because now the circumstances are different. I have had to retrain my brain not to beat myself up for being unable to accomplish even the most simplest of tasks. What makes it harder is that my injuries are not self-evident. Besides being obese, it doesn't look like anything is wrong with me. It's a lie. I hide my problems from open view. I "suck it up and drive on" a lot. I have had to explain to my son that I have problems, because even to him, it is hard to see. If I do not tell him what is going on with me, he thinks I am being lazy all the time. It's not true. Unfortunately he was too young to see me when I was working long hours in the Army, or even at school. Now that all that is over, I only have myself to guide me in what to do. I don't have a list of things to accomplish that is a requirement to success to complete a program or get a promotion. I have to create my own lists of things I prioritize to do. I don't celebrate their completions because usually they are things that everybody has to do and it doesn't seem that significant. I should celebrate my progress. Every step forward is a step I didn't think I could make. My standards may be too high. They are high because I use to be able to perform at that level. I can no longer do that. I can not remember to take my medications in the morning without reading my daily notes. I think that says a lot. Sometimes I wish I had a personal Drill Sergeant. I need somebody else to have faith in my abilities and celebrate with me when I have successes. I need somebody with high levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and motivation to model after. It would be helpful. Just saying, there is a void in my life. I wish I could count on my dad. He always had things to say that brought out the soldier in me. I took being a soldier very seriously. I tried to embody the Army Values to the best of my ability. I did not think it was stupid nonsense. I would probably make a better leader now that I'm not in a chronic depressed state, and usually optimistic.
My Aunt Lisa would tell me now that I should look at my accomplishments and be proud. Look at Caleb and be proud. Look at Bella and be proud. Look at how I tried to care for my dad and Sharon, and be proud. Look at how I tried to care for Christinia and Harlee and be proud. Look at how I try to maintain a relationship with Mathew and Nichole, especially since his deployment, and be proud. My heart is in the right place. Whatever karmic debt I have created throughout my life, I have more than paid for.
Go even further back, and look at how I helped Travis, and be proud. Look at how I helped Billy and be proud. Look at how I tried to help my dad and Sharon the first time and be proud. Look at how I tried to help my Mom and be proud.
Look at how I tried to help Nigel, And be proud. Look at how I tried to help Mathew and be proud. Look at how I tried to take care of Peabody and be proud. Look at how I tried to care for Hailey and be proud.
Look at how I tried to care for my friends, and be proud. Remember volunteering for Peer Helpers in high school and being voted president. Remember being told to teach the platoon cadence, and also how to pivot when marching by the Drill Sergeant. Remember going all out on that one indoor rifleman's course in Basic Training and being looked at in awe. Remember asking for "special treatment" at that one outdoor rifleman's course with my battle buddy and getting into trouble by the Commander and laughing about it. Remember singing for my battle buddies under the trees in Ft. Sam Houston while we were hand picking up leaves from the rocks underneath them. Remember going skinny dipping on that Young Life hike. Remember that gray and depressing day in Basic training at the range, and having a colorful butterfly land on me and follow me. Remember picking Caleb up early from daycare to go to the beach at Ft. Fisher. Remember making a palate on the apartment floor and watching movies with Caleb until he fell asleep with me. Think about all the hugs and kisses I get from Caleb. Think about all the cuddles I get from Bella.
Don't let what Christinia said after she left influence me. Don't let what my dad and Sharon said as they were forced to leave influence me. Don't let my dad and Sharon's behaviors influence me. Don't take the lack of direct communication between me and my siblings influence me. Don't let Trump bring me down. Don't let the COVID-19 bring me down. Don't let my medical conditions bring me down.
I will never forget, but writing this blog has made improvements to my life. Thank you for reading it.
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