Today's prompt is "What are you obsessively listening to?" I have begun to listen to a station on Pandora. It's a pop/dance music mix for workouts. Typically I am listening while I am walking.
So I am very happy to announce that I had a successful Monday! I walked in the morning, while I was bored, and waiting to figure out what to do for the day. I did add the 6% incline to my workout, and I completed it without hurting myself.
My incline trainer has increments of inclination : -6%, -3%, 0%, 3%, 6%, 10%, 15%, 20%, 25%, 30% 35%, and 40%, so I have a lot to work on. I don't think I will be going downhill anytime soon. I also think it goes up to 15mph. Right now, I am focusing on just doing the walk, so I am only moving at 2mph. Later, I will increase my speed as it becomes easier to move. I want to make sure I can enjoy the walk on some level, or I might quit. I don't want to make it so hard to do that I hurt myself either.
Also, my weigh-in was successful in that I lost weight again! It wasn't much, but that's not what I am concerned with. I'm focusing on the fact that I'm losing, no matter what the amount.
I am wearing my new compression socks that I ordered from Amazon. I will find out tomorrow if they are helpful or not.
Walmart had the ramen noodles in the flavor Caleb likes, so I was able to buy him more of what he likes to have for lunch. I bought myself more celery and cucumbers as that is what I like to snack on during the day. I also boiled some eggs on Sunday, so even though there was nothing else to really snack on, I had something to eat. Caleb wanted an individual sized pumpkin pie, and it was only $0.50, so I was able to get him one. Even though we have a tight budget, I like to be able to get him things that are not on "the list." I try to include him on the buying and shopping process so he picks up what I am doing to make sure we stay within the budget. I walk around with the calculator on my phone, keeping the total cost as we put items in the cart. I ask him to read labels to find out information like nutrition facts and prices. He helps me unload the cart to ring up the items we are buying, and he helps me unload the cart to load the Mazda. Then he brings the groceries to the kitchen so I can put the groceries away.
Today Caleb and I had a fight. He wanted to wear clothes that were given to him by Billy. Well, Billy is a grown man, and Caleb is 11.5 years old. The clothes don't fit him properly and the pants fall off his butt, and the shirts are too big too. Caleb threw a fit because he didn't want to wear shorts like I suggested. I told him that I spent a lot of money on his clothes so that he would always look like somebody cared about him. His clothes would always fit properly, and make him look like the handsome young man he is. I told him, it's hot outside. The Summer is here, and it's time to wear shorts and short sleeved shirts. He should have plenty as I just bought them. Well, he argued that he didn't have any. Then he said he didn't know where they were. Then he said he didn't have any that clean. LOL OMG this kid. He got mad at me for not doing the laundry! I told him, if he wanted to have clean laundry when he wanted, maybe he should learn to wash his own laundry! That way he wouldn't have to wait for when I feel better to have the laundry washed. Then he got mad because I never taught him to wash his laundry. I told him he has to ask and show that he cares first. I'm not going to let him use my machines if he is going to break them. I'm not made of money, and those machines are expensive! He was mad that he didn't know where his basketball shorts were. I told him he would know where his clothes are if he had a clean room. He didn't want to hear that. Earlier, my Aunt Lisa offered a reward for cleaning his room, $50. You would think that would have motivated him to clean it, right? Nope. He was just as angry and unwilling to work as he was before. He wanted to argue and yell at me so much that I had to take away his video games. Now that really made him upset. I told him he had to earn them back. He had to show respect, and clean his room. Believe or not, this whole episode lasted about an hour or longer. There was a lot of yelling. Caleb likes to call me names when he is angry. I like to tell him he acting like Trump. Oh! When I did that, he told me I was being emotionally abusive! LOL It's easy to laugh now, not so much when it is happening.
The more of these fights we have, the easier it is for me to separate myself from the equation. His actions on not based on me, they are based on him. It can be draining to go so long on one argument. I actually didn't do much else today. Besides, it got warm in the house, and I was sweating just from sitting in my chair and breathing. It's only going to get worse. I wish I could afford to upgrade the insulation in the attic. I know that would help keep the house cool in the Summer.
Also, the more of these fights we have, the more I can show Caleb what a Saint I am. I will not put my hands on him in anger. It's an important lesson to learn because of his traumatic experience with my dad. Not all adults are the same. Not everyone is out to hurt him. That kind of thinking is common with him. We can disagree all day long, but in the end I am his mother, and he will respect what I say to do and do it. He can do what he wants, but he will also pay the consequences for his actions. He still doesn't understand that I am more than a playmate. We do play and joke a lot, but I do not have the energy of an 11 year old. I can not keep up with in so many things right now. I am his mother, and that is not really my place anyway. He needs to have friends, but with COVID-19, everyone should be social distancing. It's tough on us both. We both have social needs that are not being met. I do not have any local friends either.
Today would have been a good day to go the beach. It was warm outside, but I could bear it for awhile. It was sunny and breezy. I thought about it on the way home from Walmart, but I had milk in the car, and had to get it home. Once I got home, I didn't want to go back out.
I think it's harder on Caleb that I am disabled. He doesn't have any reference as to what "normal" looks like. He thinks we live a "normal" life, and we sooo don't.
For instance, I have had to explain that just because I don't have a job like other parents do, doesn't mean that I don't or haven't at some point earned my money. I had to tell him that I am a hard worker, but I am also "sick." I am not like other parents. I have illnesses that make me tired, exhausted, unable to sleep at night, in pain, etc. I explained to him that every day I do the best I can do with how I am feeling at the time. I don't know if he completely understands, but I have at least had a few conversations about it.
I have been sitting on the first volume of my blog books for a couple of weeks now. I told him we would go over it together. Maybe I will start to read it with him tomorrow. I recently received the second volume in the mail, but haven't opened it yet to see how it turned out. I want to buy a foot locker/chest for Caleb and put these books along with other things in it to keep safe for the future. I have so many photo books that I have created and collected over the years, with him in mind. I think it's time to share some family history with him so he has some sort of reference as to where I am coming from. It will have more meaning to him as he grows older. I don't know how much time I have on this Earth, and I don't take it for granted. I never know what the day holds for me, and I like to be prepared. I don't want Caleb to ever feel like I didn't try to teach him what's important in life, and what to live by. I don't want him to grow up and feel lost, because I will always be with him in his heart to guide him.
It took me 37 years to get to where I am, and I could have gotten here a lot faster if 1) I had help and guidance from a trustworthy source, and 2) I wasn't constantly recovering from an abusive situation. For so long, I thought so little of myself. I hardly spoke. I was lost as to what it meant to be a woman. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to behave? I still don't have all the answers, anyone with a mother in their life had at 13.
I don't want Caleb to grow up like I did, and unfortunately he is growing up without a male role model in his life. I want him to feel safe with me, always.
When I feel like I'm not making a difference in the world, I look at Caleb and Bella. However small my actions may be, I am influencing their lives and their futures. I try to hold on to the number of memberships I have to groups that make a difference on my behalf. The older groups stand in Congress and fight for veterans without ceasing. I take surveys for women veterans to influence how we are cared for as a group. I sign petitions to change laws. I write this blog. I post on facebook. I take classes online, where we discuss as a group. I may not have much money, but I do have some time to spare. I do care. I haven't quite figured out where I am meant to be. I haven't quite found my tribe of peers yet.
Caleb is 11.5 years old. I can hardly believe it. I look back on old photos, and I wish he was still my little baby boy. I wish I could hold him all day in my arms, or at least until my arms fall asleep. I want Caleb to believe with all his being that he can do whatever he puts his mind to. I want him to believe that his dreams can come true if he is willing to put forth the effort and work. We get so wrapped up in daily tasks, sometimes it's helpful to step back. The world is not all about keeping a clean room, but if you can keep a clean room, it will create a discipline that will be helpful later in life. There is a video on youtube by a General Officer talking about the importance of making your bed in the morning. It's true. We do it every morning in the Army. To standard.
I wish I could get my thoughts together about how to take everything I have learned so far and make it accessible to Caleb. Many times my brain does not function properly and I lose the words to describe what I see as pictures in my mind. I wish I could use telepathy to transfer "files" from my brain to Caleb's . LOL
Seriously though, I have a lot of memory problems. I wish I could defragment my brain's hard drive and get things in order. I don't know where it stems from. I think my medications have a lot to do with it, plus the recurrence of traumas recently. I want to rewire my brain. The brain is neuro-plastic. I still have not found the answer to how to reprogram my brain. I know meditation is one way. I want to enjoy life, not keep reliving traumatic memories. I know from the depths of my being that it is possible to change. Once I figure it out for myself, you bet your ass I am teaching Caleb. He is so young to have experienced so much. He deserves to live a better life.
I have classes in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that I need to complete. I know I will find some answers there. I have paid for them, and they are waiting for me to start, when I am ready and can commit to the programs. I also know that just by exercising, like I have been, changes the way my brain functions for the better. Listening to music is also another way to influence the brain. I have so many books waiting for me to read too. I've got the tools, just need to schedule it in my planner.
Well, I guess I have my next goals now! I can't allow myself to be dragged down by daily chores and appointments. This is too important to how we live our lives, to our futures. I must find a way to stay committed to learning these things, and not give up.
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