Today was pretty good. I woke up around 8:30 am and began writing my blog. Then I paid the bills. I planned on what groceries I wanted to buy and where to get them at the lowest prices. Caleb and Rachel woke up. We all got ready to go out. We went to pay the water bill, Food Lion, Harris Teeter, and Lowe's Foods. We came home and I processed the meats for freezing. I had a cucumber for lunch. Rachel and I decided that we would take naps. When we woke up, we ordered from Domino's for dinner. We stayed up and talked for a while, until Caleb was ready to go to bed. I was too tired to do my walking, so I decided I would make up my walking day on Saturday. We had a good time together.
Unfortunately, Rachel left her CPAP at home, and is not sleeping well without it. I wouldn't sleep well without mine either. She will be leaving to go back home tomorrow, instead of staying longer like we both had hoped. She has said she will come back soon. That makes my heart happy. I am so happy she actually made it out here. We have so much going on in our lives all the time.
It has been raining and is expected to rain for the next 2 weeks still, so I have not been able to take Rachel to the beach. Hopefully, when she returns, it will be sunny outside and we can have some beach fun.
Caleb doesn't want her to leave. He asks "Does she have to go?" It's sweet, and I love that he likes Rachel. They haven't seen each other since Caleb was little.
Bella was resting with me on the couch, but she was staring longingly at Rachel. So sweet. She's such a good girl. She loves everybody.
So we were talking about my classes, and how I have fallen behind. I told Rachel about the Mona Delfino class about Becoming Your Own Medical Intuitive. I told her a little about quantum healing and what I thought about what I learned. I'm not sure I believe everything I was taught. Maybe that is because I have not been studying for years like some of the other classmates.
I mentioned that I do not have any local friends, and that I wish I could clone her and keep her with me forever. We talked about how I do not want to grow old alone. I know I can not live alone for long. My depression will be so great that medicine can not help. I said," I am like a hydrogen atom in nature. In nature you do not find hydrogen alone, it is always in pairs." I haven't thought about chemistry since 2002! It's funny what comes out of my mouth sometimes!
We were having Domino's for dinner and Caleb had a medium pizza. He was holding the box on his lap and trying to play a video game at the same time. I told him it was time to eat and to put the video game down. He didn't listen and 2 pieces of pizza fell from the box. I immediately laughed. I can't control myself when he doesn't do what I tell him. He got upset, and said I was being a bully and a jerk. He wanted me to apologize, so I said " I'm sorry that you are funny when you don't mean to be," and he accepted that. LOL
I brought up the time we had a slumber party in Sharon's van. I had gotten in trouble for something or other, I don't remember, but I was supposed to be grounded. I had already set up a slumber party before I got into trouble and didn't want to cancel because it was so hard to get everybody to come over. So I arranged for them to meet me outside after dark. No one suspected anything. We stayed up all night. There must have been 5 or 6 of us and we crammed into the van to rest when we had our fill of fun. At dawn, everybody went home and I went back inside. No one knew, but us. The van had a back seat that reclined into a bed. Even so, we were stuffed in there. We wanted to be together that much. She didn't know that I had gotten grounded and was in trouble, and that was why we could not go inside. LOL We were teenagers back then, and now we are almost 40.
I mentioned the time the two of us took off to the beach early one morning. We didn't tell anyone where we were going, we just left. We were "adults" at the time. We were maybe 20 years old. I loved Rachel like I never loved another person. She was the closest person to a sister I ever had. I did not have a meaningful relationship with my actual sister, Sherri. I could be myself around her, and she liked me for me.
It killed me on the inside when Rachel started dating Meisam seriously. She spent all her free time with him, and we began to hang out less frequently. I felt lost without her. It didn't happen all at once, it was a slow misery. Meisam hung out with us in our self-formed outcast group. He was new and from Iran. He spoke little English at the time. Rachel found out she was pregnant while we were in high school, and things kind of fell apart for us from there. She had more important things to do than hang out with me. I wish I could have been a good friend throughout her pregnancy, but there was a lot of drama, and believe me, I had too much drama at home as it was. I was trying to escape my own drama. She ended up dropping out of school, and going to an alternative school to finish her high school education.
We found each other at different times after graduation, and reconnected. I would come to town and visit her, when I could. It made me angry the way she was treated by Meisam. I think she knew.
It's been more than 20 years since we first met. It's hard to believe that I am old enough to say that, but I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm glad to have a friend as special as Rachel.
She's probably one of the only people who didn't cast judgement on me about Caleb's birth. I was shamed and questioned by everyone under the sun. I carried that shame and guilt for years. As frequently as pre-marital sex and child birth out of wed-lock happens, you would think it wouldn't be so big of a deal. Actually, my case was pre-divorce, extra-marital sex. There are cases of porn rings in the Army that are being caught in the last few days, and they are probably getting treated better than I was.
When I was pregnant, I was proposed to quite a few times by my battle buddies. They wanted to help me "make it right." I declined all offers. I couldn't rush into a marriage, without being divorced first. Besides, I had a bad experience with my first marriage, and I knew him and lived with him for years first. As much as I didn't want to go through things alone, I just couldn't bring another soldier into my mess.
I no longer answer to anybody. I don't owe anybody anything. My business is my business. If someone wants to know about it, they can read my blog, but I'm not going to be made to feel like a horrible person for my past.
This brings me to something that I haven't brought up yet. When I was about 12 years old, a Special Forces soldier tried to have sex with me. His name was Scott Jackson, and he was a Portuguese language student of my dad's. Upon penetration, it hurt so bad, and he discontinued. It was not rape in the common sense. It was statutory rape. My innocence was stolen. I was never the same. I never told anybody until I was an adult. I was ashamed and guilt-ridden. I know now, that it was not my fault. I was 12. He was in his 30's. He was the adult. I am more than a sex object. I am not a destroyed being. I am whole and healing from the past.
That is Scott Jackson there on the right. My dad is on the left.
Scott is in the back row, on the left, next to my dad. That was their whole class for that session.
In other news, I would like to share some photos of my Brazilian family.
When Tia Marley visited us Spring Lake. That's my Tia Marley, me, my dad, and Mathew. She passed away from cancer.
My dad's cousin, Antonio Carlos (passed away from lung cancer), my dad, my grandpa de Mello, my grandma de Mello (passed away last year), Mathew, Meggie(the dog, passed away years ago), and me and granparents de Mello's house in New Jersey.
That's me, Tia Marley, and Mathew in Spring Lake.
I found this picture and around and added it to my collection, but I was not there for this one. My great grandfather "Vovo," and his wife.
I also found this one. It is my great grandfather "Vovo." I was not there for this picture.
When my great grandpa de Mello came to visit us in Spring Lake. Mathew, "Vovo", and me.
I was not there for this picture. It is "Vovo", his wife, my grandpa de Mello, and someone I do not know.
This is when the party came to visit us in Spring Lake. Tia Marley, Mathew, Sharon, "Vovo", Vovo's wife, and me in Spring Lake.
I have never been to Brazil, but I would like to go to visit where my dad was born, and where he grew up. I would like to spend time with family there. I love how Latinos experience family, and I have been without that feeling for most of my life.
I have been to Canada once, but I would like to see where my mom was born, and where she grew up too. I cannot even recall the town in which she was born. I'll have to ask her again.
When I was hospitalized, my dad's cousins offered to care for Caleb until I was better. Can you imagine? They are so far away and most of my family have never met me, nor Caleb. They wanted to help in any way possible. So sweet. So heartwarming.
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