Wednesday, June 3, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 16

     Today's prompt is "Do you owe someone money? Does someone owe you?" Well, I owe money to my credit cards, but not to any person. Both Sharon and Christinia owe me money. Sharon destroyed my kitchen floor and it is going to take a minimum of $1,000 to replace it. Christinia owes me money for the air plane tickets I paid to get her out of her self-made bad situation. That amounts to about $800. Neither will pay me for what they owe, so I am having to come up with the money myself.

      Today was a hard day. Depression really set in and it was hard for me to get off the couch and have a normal day. I was tired all day. I had no motivation whatsoever to do anything. I ended up being able to load the dishwasher, which I really wanted to do today, and get it running. Caleb ended up making me both lunch and dinner. My head was hurting and my body ached. I took a naproxen with my night time meds in the hopes that I could sleep without pain.
     I lit a candle, some incense, and some sage in the hopes of washing away the depression long enough to get things done today. I reached out to Rachel to help me get through. I prayed to the archangel Michael for protection from evil and healing. I drank more than half the total fluid ounces of water based sugar-free drinks that I am supposed to drink per day, instead of drinking mostly Diet Mountain Dew. I don't normally do any of these things, but I was fighting the depression today. I really was. I can't remember the last time I prayed to Michael for anything, but I was reading an article on how to cut cords. Mona Delfino did a whole class on doing just that but I needed a different avenue because I couldn't think. Without being able to imagine the cord cutting process, I am without the power to succeed. At least that's what I think. I felt so heavy and drained of all energy. I am glad Caleb was around to help me. He has a way of taking care of me when I can't do things myself. It's really amazing. If you knew how self-absorbed he is under normal circumstances, you would agree. Then there's Bella, who is always down for a nap with me. She lets me pet her until I fall asleep usually. She cuddles up to me and it's so peaceful and full of love. It's a really beautiful thing about having her here.
     I am now applying the doTerra essential oil blend named "Adaptiv" on my chest and neck. It is supposed to helpful in these circumstances. I had a package delivered the other day. It was a free welcome package from a company affiliated with doTerra and it included a book on essential oils, some roller bottles, and a carrying bag for the roller bottles. It was a $48  value! So I put the Adaptiv with fractionated coconut oil in one bottle, the Balance blend mixed with fractionated coconut oil in another bottle, and the Ylang Ylang essential oil mixed with the fractionated coconut oil in a bottle, and put them all in the case. I have few more bottles, but those oils I deemed necessary. The Adaptiv helps with depression and anxiety. The Balance helps with grounding. The Ylang Ylang I just like to smell, and I don't know what it's properties are good for.
     It's amazing how these oils work. I would like to use them more often, but I frequently forget that I have them available to help me with my problems. I would like to collect more of them, but it's just not in the budget right now. They can be quite expensive.
     I am getting closer to reaching some of my financial goals. I have some accounts that will be completely paid off in August, September, and October. I hope things keep going well for me so that I have no hiccups. Hurricane season is coming and that could pose a problem as it is expensive to evacuate.
     I wanted to do a self-created summer education program with Caleb. I already feel behind as it is now Tuesday/Wednesday of the first week and we have not even mentioned doing any work. I don't want to forget what I wanted to do this summer. I feel I can help him, if he is willing, because I can give him the one on one support he needs to catch up. At the very least, I don't want him to forget what he has already learned. I wish I could get him to read the books I bought for him. He is just too hyper to sit still and read, but video games! Oh! That's a whole different animal. He will play video games almost all day if I let him.
     I want to take him to the beach since we are so close. I have to remember to wear sandals because one summer I went walking on the hot sand and ended up with blisters on my feet. I also have to remember that I can't be out in the heat. I get over heated very quickly and it's not a good situation. I like to walk on the beach though, when it's not too hot. Caleb likes to try to catch tiny fish with his hands. We look for sea shells, and crabs on the beach. It's a good time that doesn't cost money.
     I would like to make more friends online, but it seems that I have attracted the attention of fakes on instagram. I went to check my messages the other day and I had 75 messages in one day from different people! I try to weed out the fakes, but in reality they all seem fake to me. I would also like to mention that I am more than a sex object. I am so much more than that. I think this blog proves that, without question.
     I don't think I will ever be able to completely quit drinking Diet Mountain Dew as it clears my thinking process. I don't have as much brain fog when I drink it. I suffer intense brain fog on a daily basis. I can not determine what is the cause, but most likely a combination of depression, fibromyalgia, and medications.
     I failed to do my day 2 of my chair yoga program. I didn't have the energy to pull myself together to watch the video. Some days are better than others. I just have to remember that it is not  unheard of to feel the way I feel with all the diagnoses I have. I am not alone, although it may feel that way sometimes. That's why it's important for me to have people I can call or text. That's why I invest my time in meeting new people through groups like the WoVen group when I am feeling ok, because I know there will be days when I do not feel ok. It's even harder because we are staying at home, regardless of what others are doing. And then, I don't want to bother people either. I have to relieve myself of feeling like I am a burden to other when I can't pull myself together.
     There is so much that I am in charge of that it really sucks to have off days. Days like this reinforce the reason I can not hold a regular job. Sometimes I forget about days like this, and wonder why can't I get a job? The work force is just created for people like me. If I want to work, I have to do my own thing, on my own terms.
     Caleb has been going to the local veterans' park and picking up trash to help the wildlife. He finds nets, and hooks and lines, and all kinds of stuff just left there. He likes to search for crabs and hang out. He is trying to learn more about fishing, which I know very little of. He wants a fishing rod and a fishing license. He has created his own fishing pole from a broken broom stick and some line he found. I'm so glad the park is close by.
     Caleb wants a tactical back pack like mine. I have a few that I have collected, and I might think about giving him one if I think he can take care of it. They are not cheap, but they are cool.
     The pictures I posted yesterday are of the quilt I hand made and created for Caleb, Caleb and me going on a hike on Warwoman Dell Trail in North Carolina mountains, the 3 Star General in charge of Ft. Bragg Special Operations Command at the time and me, the Brigade Commander? and my dad, and me at Ft. Bragg, and a picture of my eyes. The Ft. Bragg pictures were at an International Military Special Forces Reception in October of  2011. My dad was invited as a special guest because he still maintains communication with his old job, I guess, where he taught Special Forces at the Language School Brazilian Portuguese.
     My dad, John, was an Airborne soldier in the Army. He was stationed at Ft. Benning when I was born. He was stationed at Ft. Bragg when Mathew was born. He spent most of his career at Ft. Bragg. He did do a hardship tour of Korea. He was stationed at Camp Kyle, which is now closed. He applied for language school while he was in service, and was denied and told that he could not be taught a foreign language. Now, my dad came to this country only speaking Portuguese and learned English. So? Anyway, he took the test later on in his life and qualified on something like 5 different languages! Then he became an instructor at the school he was not able to be admitted to as a student! WTH right? He went to Ft. Leonard Wood for basic training, and somewhere in Maryland for AIT. He was some sort of vehicle maintenance MOS. He made it to the rank of Sergeant before having to be discharged. Why? Because at the time, he was divorced from my mom, had no family support, had custody of both of us kids, and was on orders for a second hardship tour of Korea. He had to make a choice, and he chose us kids. He doesn't let us forget it either. He says quite frequently, "I could have been a Sergeant Major."
     He was deployed in several operations, had a few jumping injuries, but loved the Army and everything it did for him. After he was honorably discharged, he continued to go to college. He worked at several jobs including the Nissan dealership in Fayetteville. He worked long hours. I never saw him doing homework, which I think is weird. He graduated from Campbell University with a bachelor's degree. At some point he started a Master's degree, but I don't think he was able to complete it. He has Attention Deficit Disorder, Dyslexia, is Bipolar, has PTSD, has diabetes type 2 and a whole list of other problems. It's amazing he did as much as he did without ever being diagnosed with any of these problems. It wasn't until after the Army that Sharon began getting him some medical help.
     My dad was born and raised in Recife, Brazil. His mother died 3 days after he was born. She was a maid in his father's house. His father was young and irresponsible. My dad's grandparents raised him. He was abused. He was in his own words, "a bastard child" and treated less like a grandson and more like a burden on the family. His father's family kept him from knowing his mother's side of the family. He was darker skinned, and apparently Brazilians look down on that. My dad came to the United States when he was about 17 years old. He lived with his dad, who had moved to the United States and created a new life without him many years prior. He met my mom at a bar mitz vah that they both attended. They got married very early, very young.












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