Today was a productive day, and I am happy about that. Although it was raining, I was able to accomplish most of my goals I set out to do. Caleb was helpful, though not helpful without argument. We are working on communicating better. I am trying to teach him that he should respect me, as I do him. He is damaged from past traumas and it shows when he acts out of hatred for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Working is a big part of life, and he needs to know how to work without being hateful. I try to show him that it takes more time to argue than it takes to get the job done. Either way, the job has to get done. It's his choice, He can waste time, or not. He can get angry that I ask him to help, or he can just do what I ask without complaining. His arguing is what got him choked by my dad, and I think he tests me to see if that will happen again. I won't choke him. I will take away his video games for a time.
I am wearing the compression footies that Christinia bought me for Christmas and it feels good. I am waiting on my compression socks from Amazon. I did not walk today as I spent a lot of energy deep cleaning areas of the house. There's a lot of bending over involved, and I have to take a lot of breaks.
I briefed Caleb about my relationship with Rachel. I told him that she is our evacuation safe place in case of a hurricane. She lives further inland, and it is safer there. She is a friend I have had since freshman year of high school. As a matter of fact, she was the first person I made friends with upon going to Pinecrest the first day. My first class was gym, and I was not prepared with gym clothes. We both sat on the gym bleachers and watched the others play volleyball. She seemed interesting and so I started talking to her. There was a long time that we were inseparable. We had classes in common, usually history. When I started driving, I would pick her up for school and we would ride home together. I would pick her up when I had errands to run so we could hang out at the same time. We had fun together. She didn't mind that my family wasn't wasn't rich, and I didn't feel out of place with her. Pinehurst is known for it's golf courses, and many kids from school were from there and snobbish.
I remember how I felt when I went to Lea's house, and saw her bedroom for the first time. Her parents' house was huge. There was a koi pond on the backyard. Her room was bigger than my parents' living room. Her bedroom had its' own full bathroom. Her closet was bigger than our main bathroom. I couldn't help but feel different and not in a good way.
Most of the student body that drove, was driving the latest model of their choice of vehicles. I was driving a 1979 Volvo sedan with no air conditioning. I didn't get a new wardrobe every season. I wore the same clothes from the time I was a freshman to the time I was a senior, with few exceptions. My dad didn't take me shopping for clothes. Neither did Sharon. If I wanted new stuff, I had to buy it myself, with my own money.
They moved us from Spring Lake to Southern Pines thinking it was a better place to be overall, but not making any changes for us kids to fit in. I don't know. I buy Caleb clothes all the time. He grows so fast. And shoes too. I'm always attentive to his clothing needs. I won't let what happened to us, happen to him. My dad knows nothing about clothing. Neither does Sharon.
I'm a few days away from my next birth control pill cycle. I've been burning hot and freezing cold. I've been exhausted and probably irritable. I was sleeping and dreaming for a couple of days, and then I couldn't stay asleep for more than an hour or two. Hormones are crazy.
I am on the fence about our photo shoot outfits. I am going to see what Rachel thinks when she gets here. I have a white dress and I have a soft pink dress. Depending on which looks better and feels more natural, will determine what we wear. Caleb and I will match clothes. I do not want to do white tops and khaki bottoms as I want it to be different from the last photo shoot we did together. I am really making a big deal about this photo shoot because it's not an easy thing to do. I have wanted to take pictures with Caleb on the beach for years, but never could afford the going rate. I was able to do a mini-session with a photographer which greatly reduced the price. I don't know when we will be able to take pictures together again, so... it's important to me. Photos, in general, are important to me. That's why I have so many of them. I don't have many family photos from my childhood. I don't want Caleb to have the same feeling of loss from that.
It's funny, I was talking to my mom about taking Caleb to the beach. She thought I bought this house because of it's location to the beach. NOPE. I bought this house because I thought I could manage the payments without a problem and spend less monthly than the annual increasing rate of the apartment I was living in. I wanted to live to outside of Charlotte, but didn't have a way to check out the area in time. I was running out of time before I had to either move out or renew my lease. Charlotte is not close by. I didn't know anything about buying a house. I was a first time buyer. I was filled with anxiety. I was stressed that I had no where to go. I couldn't afford a house in Wilmington. Billy owned this house and sold it to me. The people he was renting to were not paying him rent, and he needed some cash, so it worked out. I didn't know much about the area. I had been here to stay at his house, next door, a few times but that's it. I just knew I needed affordable housing. I wanted to be able to plant myself somewhere so I could focus on other things. The fact that it's driving distance to the new VA clinic in Wilmington is a plus, because I was able to keep my all my doctors.
Moving was relatively simple, just required a Uhaul for a few days, and hiring some movers. Anyway, I didn't have to completely re-establish myself and my relationships. Somebody like me needs stability and continuity. I have seen the same psychiatrist and therapist since I left the hospital in 2013. I hope they don't retire any time soon.
I have not been keeping up with Billy's weekly letters. I got disheartened when some of them were returned. Just a bit frustrating, but I mailed some letters earlier today. He is in jail, and I'm pretty sure I am the most reliable writer to him.
I find myself without someone to text or chat with during the day frequently. I don't want to feel so needy, but apparently I am. I am use to having Nichole to video call during the day for no reason whatsoever. Now, she is unavailable and I am lost. I wish I knew more of Caleb's friends' parents. His friend from first grade moved away. I knew his guardian, and we chat every so often. There is a "friend" not far from the house, but I often wonder why they don't include Caleb in their parties, or me for that matter. I have not been introduced to the inner circle, so I guess I don't matter to Caleb's "friend's" mom.
I focus on my work on the house, my goals, my life, Caleb, Bella, etc. At least it keeps me out of trouble, for the most part. This corona virus doesn't help matters any. We are suppose to be social distancing... ugh.
I wonder how Mathew is doing over there, being deployed. He doesn't talk to me much. I don't know why not. I don't think people get the that I am here alone with a special needs child by myself. It can be all-consuming and exhausting. Sometimes I need adult time. I needs social hour every day. I need a recess. I need a break. I need to return to sanity.
<sigh>
Wanna look at some pictures with me?
Maybe my birthday? Good drink though. San Felipe Mexican Restaurant.
Bella at Pet Camp!
Caleb and Lonnie Gordon Jr.
Caleb and Bella playing in the backyard.
Bella visit Deion's family, the family we adopted her from.
Caleb and me at my mom's wedding.
My mom and me at the beach when she came to visit.
Caleb and me before the Pink Floyd Laser show at Thalian Hall.
My graduation tassel. UNCW 2015.
Caleb and Joyce at Disney World Florida.
Caleb after a haircut.
Me. Fall.
Caleb at my mom's wedding.
Caleb at the beach when my mom visited us.
Travis. My former roomate. Also a disabled veteran. I was getting him dressed for my mom's wedding.
Caleb, my mom, and Kenneth (her husband), when they came to visit.
Caleb before haircut.
Caleb and Lonnie Gordon Jr.
My mom and Caleb at the beach.
Me in Maurices' clothing!
Caleb, Joyce, and me in front of the Tree of Life at Disney World Florida.
Travis eating out with us and Mathew's family.
My dad and Bella.
Mathew and his wife Nichole. I wasn't there for this photo, unfortunately. There was a mixture of problems getting there. During one of his graduations, dad was in the hospital after having a mini stroke. I'm pretty sure that was when he was at Alabama. During another one of his graduations, we visited weeks before when we could. I think that one was at Ft. Gordon, the second part of his Warrant Officer training.
Caleb playing with boxes. He's a box troll!
Bella on the couch with me.
End of year awards.
Caleb and me at Disney World Florida.
Me taking Bella for a walk.
Caleb and me at the beach.
My mom, Caleb and me.
My dad after his mini-stroke. This was the time frame we were supposed to be in Alabama.
Caleb at Donna's house with Gage and Haley.
The last time I held a baby. Sherri's first born, Reese, during my mom's wedding weekend.
Kennedi brushing my hair. She was so little. She has grown so much! One of the time I went to visit Mathew and his family in Sanford.
Caleb first day of school one year.
Caleb and Lonnie Gordon Jr.
Caleb. Fall one year.
Bella in the backyard.
Caleb's army and building.
Caleb playing with Bella.
Caleb at Disney World Florida.
Caleb with Bella's big treat.
Caleb after haircut.
The de Mello trio on the couch!
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