I get caught up in thoughts like, how much could I be making if I were working? And wouldn't I be doing better financially if I had a job? The truth is I can't work. I have so many bad days without working, I can't imagine the stress and anxiety working would cause at this point. I need to focus on where I am, realistically, but I can't help dreaming of a better life.
I want so much that requires money. I have a million-dollar wishlist on a $5 budget. It's hard having to say no, not only to myself, but to Caleb all the time.
Today was a slow day. I did very little, but it took a lot of time to do it. I took Caleb to his dental appointment in Wilmington, an hour away. I found out he only has 2 baby teeth left! I thought he had more! What a surprise! He had a cavity filled. I also found out that he will need braces. I have to be more strict on his dental hygiene habits before then, so his teeth don't get ruined.
I did my walk, late in the evening. I want to start walking at the beginning of the day instead. It's not easy to walk for 46 minutes. It seems like forever right now. I need to find my bluetooth headphone charger so I can use my headphones when I walk. Music makes it seem like not as long a time.
I wore a new dress that has been waiting for me to feel well for at least a month today.
I really like this dress. I don't feel awkward or self-conscious in it and it's comfortable to move in. I also happen to think it's cool looking.
Today was the first day of no rain in at least a week. I just had to make the most of it. I wanted to take Bella for a walk but I was too hungry and tired when I got home. I waited to eat something too late. I should have eaten before I left for Caleb's appointment. When I got home, I was starting to feel ill. I went straight to the pantry for a snack, but also ended up eating dinner early. I didn't mind eating leftover catfish I was so hungry.
I made it to "February" in the 5 Year Journal! I'm on month 2! I can't believe I successfully logged in a month's worth of entries. Doing a little dance!
Today I hurt myself without realizing it. I don't remember how I cut or scratched myself to the point of bleeding. I really need help with my memory. I am going to look into supplements and exercises to keep my memory function healthy.
I have begun planning for hurricane season, which has already started. We usually have a hurricane in the late Summer, early Fall. I am making preparations to both stay and to evacuate. I do not know which I will do. It is costly to leave. It is costly to stay. There was a lot of flooding due to Hurricane Florence and Hurricane Matthew. Some roads were completely blocked by fallen trees and tree limbs. We evacuated both times. For Hurricane Matthew, we drove to Mathew's house in Sanford, further inland NC. For Hurricane Florence, we lived like gypsies for a month. We evacuated to South Carolina and stayed in a cheap hotel for about a week to see how temporary the conditions might be. When we still could not return home, we decided to go to my friend's house in Missouri. She was not going to be home and offered the use of her house for as long as we needed. It took us about 5 days to drive there, and we stopped every night at a hotel on the way. We stayed at Joyce's house for about a week before leaving for home again. It saved us money to stay there, and gave us something to do. Sitting in a room with my dad, Sharon, Caleb, and Bella feels very crowded. I did nothing but sleep when we weren't driving. I was exhausted and stressed out. Money doesn't grow on trees! We lost the food in the fridge and the freezer due to power outages. Other then that, everything was ok upon the return home. We just had to avoid flooded roads.
I knew people who could not afford to evacuate, and stayed home. They were fine. They had to deal with the loss of power for days at a time, some more than a week. That meant no air conditioning in the some of the hottest days of the year. Water was deemed unsafe for drinking for a time. Some homes were flooded not far from where we live, but no one I know was affected.
It takes a lot to pick up everything that is important and leave. I can go to Rachel's house, further inland, if I need, but I don't want to be away from own house for a month or more. It's a stressful situation, AND it happens EVERY year.
I recently read something that said that people with type O blood are not as likely to get COVID-19. I am type O+. I wonder how reliable that source was. I do not remember who wrote the article. I wonder if I ever had it, and just didn't show symptoms? With all my problems, it's highly likely that I had it and blamed my suffering on something that I've been diagnosed with.
I wish I could donate blood to the American Red Cross. They are doing complimentary antibody testing on donors for a limited time. I have been told I can never donate blood because "your life is important too" is what my primary care provider said. I am iron deficient even with taking iron supplements, and that disqualifies me every time anyway.
My feet haven't been causing me problems recently. I can get use to this kind of treatment! I can walk when I want, stand when I want. Life is good. I'm using the custom insoles for plantar fasciitis, with a lift in the right heel to correct the difference in the length of my legs, and compression socks. Seems like a lot to have to do to considering I have been walking this way without these things for 37 years. It makes me think how much pain I could have avoided in the Army if I had been treated earlier. Marches were painful and not in the way a person without these problems would feel. I mean my bones literally began to shatter because of the stress. I had stress fractures recurring in training, on both femurs and the pain in my pelvis was excruciating!
I miss marching with a company. I miss the Army. I don't miss particular, specific people, but I miss my job. I miss being important outside of my role of mother. I miss knowing I was making a difference, even if it wasn't immediately noticeable. I miss being a part of history. I miss being proud to wear the uniform. I don't miss the dress uniform as I felt very uncomfortable in it, and I could never dress myself. I don't miss the 0400 alarm for PT. I miss being in good shape. I don't miss the DFAC food. I don't miss being lied to, manipulated, and bullied. I don't miss the anxiety that was caused by having to rely on a leader I may or may not have had faith in. I miss driving the humvee around and the LMTV too. I miss messing around with M-16s and M-9s. I don't miss inspections. I don't miss being body-shamed. I don't miss drug tests. I always had a full bladder and had to hold it until my turn to pee in a cup. Even then I drank a lot of water. I don't miss feeling outside of my own body and mind. I was almost never properly grounded. I don't miss having to hide my real mental health, or lack thereof, to keep my job. I don't miss being made to feel like I was the problem. I do miss being with people my own age. I don't miss feeling like I could never catch up to the long list of things that constantly needed to be done, because I was the only one doing my job. I do miss having a security clearance. I miss training. "Soldier Medic, Warrior Spirit" and "Provide it all." I miss dreaming of being Airborne. I wish I could have had the experience of being deployed.
If I could have a gun, I would have several. It's not safe with Caleb. I was at one point collecting knives, but I had to stop because Caleb would take them to school and get into trouble. He only took them because he thought they were "cool" and wanted to show his friends.
I wish I had more friends. I am trying to meet new people, but everything is online- both a good and bad thing. I have joined the WoVen women veterans group, which is a start. I am able to tell my truth to other women veterans. I miss doing chair yoga at the VA clinic. I might have to start again once the clinic reopens for groups.
I feel like I have so much to give and nowhere to give it. I did the work of completing a bachelor's degree to watch it become outdated, and not make a single penny from it. It's depressing. I wish I could eat "special" edibles every so often. I'm patiently waiting for the day marijuana becomes legal in North Carolina.
I can't get out of debt soon enough! Once I pay off some bills, I'll be able to afford to do more fun stuff with Caleb. Counting the days I tell ya!
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