I am a leader to my son. I think it's important that I try to provide a good role model for him, to the best of my ability. I was born with certain innate virtues. If you look up the traits of a first born, you will likely find a good description of me. When my brother, Mathew, was born, my motherly traits blossomed. I was only 1 year old, but he was "my baby." I was quick to learn how to take care of a house, cook, and things that a mother might do for her family. I have always had high standards of how to live my life. When I learned about Jesus, it just gave me more reason to try harder to be more like him. I feel that even though many years passed without my mother in my life, that I was guided by spirit to help me along.
My dad is such a broken person that I did not trust him. I took from him what I thought to be in accordance with my values, and discarded the rest. I really loved the Army Values, LDRSHIP.
Loyalty
Duty
Respect
Selfless Service
Honor
Integrity
Personal Courage
You can find them with the definitions of each online. It's been so long that I have forgotten the definitions, but at one time I knew them all. I think I embodied these traits while in service, and I would have made one hell of a NCO if I had leaders who also embodied these traits. I didn't make it to Sergeant rank though because of the weight I gained during and after pregnancy. No good things come unto those with a flag on their personnel file.
I think having patience is probably my best asset. If you knew my family at all, you would know why. I don't become enraged like my dad and brother do. I mean, it takes a lot to get me to that point. I don't just fly off the handle. My son tries to push me to the edge all the time. It's part of his Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Now he can see me. Now, after all this time of having other people in the house who couldn't manage to keep their shit together, he can see just me. I'm so different from them, yet they were the loud mouths in the house, so they got noticed. They were the hateful ones in the house, so he reacted to them because they added fuel to the fire. It's funny how adults project on to kids their own issues. Not funny haha, but interesting. These people couldn't see themselves clearly if they were standing in front of a freshly cleaned mirror! If they could, they wouldn't behave that way. They are blind to their own bullshit.
One of the ways I lead is by seeking help when I need it. I go therapy regularly, I see a psychiatrist, a dietician, a neurologist... the list goes on. I'm not afraid to say "I don't know." I'm also not afraid to research something and do my own investigations. I don't need to manipulate people. I don't need to control people. I don't know, I feel like I have the free spirit of a hippie sometimes, or what I imagine their free spirit to have been like.
I want my son to grow up to be the best version of himself he can possibly be, and that wasn't where my dad came from. He wanted control and manipulation, lies and deceit. I try my best to do everything in power to advocate for my son. Whatever he needs, I try to provide, one way or another. I want him to feel supported and loved no matter what. I didn't have that. If either Mathew or I did something wrong, we both paid for it together in my dad's violence. Love was conditional, and based on good behavior. My dad wanted us to fear him, more than anything. When we got older, and more defiant, he got more violent.
He believes he was a good parent. I beg to differ. He sees nothing wrong with his actions, and never has, and never will. He was the epitome of what I don't want to be as a parent. The things that happened later in life were a result of how I was treated as a child and young adult. It's a mystery why I am the way I am now. I just don't subscribe to the bullshit. The anger and violence he has problems with, were never about me. It was never about Mathew either. It was about his unwillingness to get help for his own personal bullshit.
I don't get angry. I get depressed. I lose hope. I become blind to the way out. I dig myself a hole so deep that I can't get back out. It's been this way my entire life, and nobody knew because I was nonverbal. Not in that I couldn't speak, but that I didn't speak. I barely was able to open up to people I tried to be friends with. Nobody knew I was suicidal quite a few times. I wish we could read each other's eyes, because they would tell it all.
I hope to "Adapt, Improvise, and Overcome," a common phrase in the military. I want better for my child. I want better for my future grandchildren. My dad and I lived together for a great portion of my life, and he still doesn't know me. I am still relatively quiet most of the time. I am learning to be more open. It's much easier for me to express myself through writing than any other way. That's why I write this blog. I can't just tell them everything. It has to happen over a period of time, where I feel comfortable. I am not going to live forever. I do not know when death will come for me. For all I know, it could be today. I hope I have left enough information for my son. I am not finished yet. I have 37 years worth of experiences to share, and 17 or so years of education.
In other news, I almost adopted a homeless veteran today. I only met him this morning, while at the VA for my labs. I want to help so badly. There was nothing I could do for him that would help him. I carry food and drinks with me everywhere I go, in my purse. I gave him some snacks and a drink from my personal supply. It was all I could do. I hope he finds his way. I was thinking about offering him my guest room. My house is not fit for him though, because he requires a wheelchair, and the doorways and hallways are too narrow. God Bless Us All!
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