Friday, June 26, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 39

     Today's prompt is "Are you in love?" No. I am not in love. I don't have the time nor energy to start a new romantic relationship. Hell, I don't even like trying to type my life story to every person who shows interest on instagram. I just refer them to my blog. If they read it, I might consider chatting with them. If not, clearly, I'm not for them. I want a life partner, not a sex partner. Too often, people are looking for cheap and easy, and I am neither. I was talking to my mom the other day, and told her I don't want a husband right now. I don't want to fight over my parenting style. I don't want to fight over Caleb's behaviors. It's easier to try to manage things on my own compared to all that. If I ever get remarried, it will be after Caleb grows up. That's just how I feel about it.

     So, I am dealing with chronic dry eyes. My ophthalmologist gave me some samples of eye drops to try. I went to check the price at Walmart, and they are expensive! I can't keep up with the costs of all the over the counter medical supplies I need. I gotta keep my head up from drowning in these money problems.
     I printed out my absentee vote request form. I just have to mail it in now. I'm voting, one way or another.
     I was able to get Caleb to start organizing his room. I asked him to do 3 things. Put the laundry in one pile, put all the toys in the toy box, and pick up the trash. He didn't do all that. He barely got the clothes together, but we did find size 14 bottoms that I had already bought him. I knew he had pants and shorts. So, I'm glad that I might be able to return some of his wardrobe as he doesn't need 2 of anything.
     Nichole and I were talking about getting our kids clothes. She was asking where I was going to buy Caleb's clothes this year because the Children's Place is generally for younger kids. I told her I was sticking with them as that's what I can afford right now. I mean I can buy a nice shirt for $2.18 there that costs $20 or more at Old Navy.
     I got up this morning because I couldn't sleep again. I was starting to get an itch that wouldn't go away in my throat, which was making me cough. I keep a drink by the couch for when my throat gets dry, but sometimes the carbonation on the Diet Mountain Dew is better at clearing the itch.
     I am going to try to quit vaping while I have e-juice left. I don't want to buy more. I've tried quitting many times before and failed. I may fail again this time. I will never stop trying to quit vaping. It's a bad habit. I hate spending money on it when we are broke so frequently. I only vape 6mg/ml nicotine. You would think it wouldn't be hard to quit. The highest dose of nicotine in the e-juice available I've seen is over 50mg/ml. So that gives you some sort of idea what I'm working with right now. I vape all day though.
     I didn't walk again today. I don't want it to become a habit of not walking when I am scheduled to, but it was thunder storming this morning and that affects me with aches, pains, lethargy, fatigue, and sleepiness.
     I received a letter in the mail about selling my house today. I'm giving it some thought. I could easily afford a less expensive location in the same size or bigger house with bigger yard. It's just that I've already invested so much in living here. It's hard to just sell the house and move. I don't have any savings to clean the house or move my stuff. I know that if I do sell the house, I will need to live within the service area of my health care team and Caleb's health care team. I'm not willing to start over with new people. It's such a pain in the ass to have to do that. We lose the history and the relationships we've formed with our providers.
     I'm usually organized but my work area has deteriorated. It's got papers and books piled high. I'm just trying to do so much at the same time.
     Bella had a hard time this morning with the thunder storm. Poor girl gets so nervous with the thunder. She starts shivering really badly. I can't comfort her. She's scared and I can't do anything about it. I hate it. I just try to hold her and cuddle under the blanket with her.
     Caleb asked me "Who is your favorite family member?" I said it was him! I don't know whether he believes that or not. Our relationship is constantly up and down with his bad moods and attitudes towards working, but I honestly don't know what I'm going to do once he leaves the nest. He's such a huge part of my daily life. It's not going to be an easy transition.
     I have 0800 appointment with my therapist this morning. It's now 0200. I'm not a morning person, as you might imagine. I get up around 0200 and stay up for a few hours and go back to bed once I've worked my brain a bit. I usually get up around 0900, still tired. I wonder what we are going to talk about today. I don't have a lot in the front of my mind. I took the appointment because it was the first available. Usually I don't schedule anything in the morning because I move so slowly when I get up, and I have routines I have to do before I can go anywhere. This is a telehealth appointment though, so I'm not going anywhere.
     I was actually hoping for rain so I could get the house cooled down for a day or two. I hate being hot. I love being cold. Christinia and I were planning a honeymoon to Alaska because I told her I didn't want to be in the heat. We were going to take a cruise because I have never done that before. Besides, my gardenias need rain. I hope they grow taller.
     I gotta get pumped back up. Not this second, but overall. I need to think about how it makes me feel to step on the scale and have lost weight. It's so worth it. Or how I feel now that I can do more without feeling so much pain, and that is only going to increase the more I exercise. I only have a number of weeks to make changes to my bio-stats before I get tested again. I want to do this. I want to show that I am capable of getting healthier.
     Caleb has slowly been changing to wanting more hugs, and it warms my heart that my son wants me to hug him. He is my only baby. He will always be my baby boy. I use to carry him everywhere when he was a baby until he was about 3 years old. I held him as much as possible. I wanted him on my hip or on my back, even on my front. I liked having my baby close. I could protect him easier. I could comfort him easier. He would fall asleep in my arms. He crawled on the couch the other night to sleep beside me. He said he slept good that way. He said I kept him warm. I'm sure he felt safer. It makes my heart smile when all 3 of us are on the couch together to sleep. Bella loves to cuddle up.
     One of the reasons I don't push him to sleep in his room, on his bed, is that there will be a whole lifetime of sleeping in a room, in a bed ahead of him. He is still young, and if he wants to sleep near me, I'm not going to force him to "grow up." He's already growing too fast.
     I wish there was an easier way to dissolve the extra fat on my body. You would think that by now, 2020, there would be better ways to lose fat weight, but the same options exist now as they did 10 years ago. I haven't seen any progress in the field of bariatric care. I wonder why they haven't looked into using tape worms in a medical way to lose weight. I mean they were using maggots!
     Surgery isn't for me. If I could eat less than 1200 calories a day, I would. I don't need to force that upon myself for pre- and post-surgery. Diet and exercise is all I've got. I eat healthy foods. I consume too many calories to lose weight. My body says "I'm hungry" and I don't feel satisfied until I am full. I only eat one meal a day, otherwise, I eat a snack. I try to eat mostly whole foods, not processed. I stay away from sugar, and monitor my carbs. I drink my required water daily, usually plus some diet soda. It's a really big deal for me to walk. Otherwise, I hardly walk because I'm in a very small house that doesn't require a lot of walking to get from one place to another. It's hard to imagine that I use to be extremely active and fit. I feel so old because of my health conditions and my weight.
     Caleb asked me if it was expensive to go to the Emergency Room, while we were there. I told him "Yes, but the health insurance should cover the costs." I mentioned that he has Medicaid, and somehow the conversation turned to "Are we poor?" I told him "Yes." I talk to him about not being able to afford new toys or groceries and gas all the time. I guess he never thought about it before. The cost of living is more than I make, which is why I am in so much debt. I can't exactly drive a car that doesn't pass inspection because its tires are bald. I have to buy new tires. I can't keep paying a high water bill because the toilet runs. I have to fix the toilet. I can't store food in a broken freezer. I have to fix the freezer. The list goes on. I feel the disabled, to include me, should be given extra money to maintain housing, not just pay the rent/mortgage but keep up with its maintenance. I have to find a way out of this debt hole I've created. Expenses keep coming out of nowhere, and increasing, but my pay remains the same. It's not profitable to be disabled.
     Caleb wanted to watch a movie about Jesus last night, so I had him put on "The Passion of the Christ." He fell asleep before half of it was over. He had a lot of questions. We watched the visually impaired commentary version because it was in a foreign language with English subtitles. It was like listening to a book with a moving picture.
     I was shopping for a proper medic kit, and they are so expensive! One place wanted more than $1,000 for kit. It was fully loaded, I give them that, but there's no way I can afford that.
     I am not going to die from starvation. I am not going to starve at all. I thought I would just put this there. I still have deep seated food insecurity insecurities. If I can convince myself that I am going to survive, no, I am going to thrive, maybe I can work out my mental blockages to losing weight. I do spend a lot of my time focusing on how I am going to be able to afford food to eat that is within my dietary restrictions. I keep thinking, if only I could make more money...
     As I am learning more about how to control or influence my symptoms of my health problems, I am making changes. Nutrition is not one size fits all. It's highly to specific to an individual's needs and tolerances. I've come a long way. I'm doing much better without my dad, Sharon, and Christinia around. I have more room to grow. I'm not being held down by other people's problems.
     I wonder if I should look into cyber security training. I could do that from home, I would think. There is training available to veterans. I'm going to think about it. 

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