Sunday, June 7, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 20

     Today's prompt is "Are you holding  a grudge? About?" I haven't let go of the fact that I have to come up with the money to pay for the damage to my kitchen floor, even though I did not create it. I haven't gotten over the fact that I am paying for plane tickets, that I did not use to travel. So that would be against Sharon and Christinia. It's hard to get something like that when you are still having to actively pay debts you didn't create.

     So, today I had a heart to heart with Caleb about the status of the uncleanliness of the house. My friend, Rachel, is coming to visit me, and stay with us, and I feel embarrassed at the way things are. For too long, I have lived with Caleb's destructive behaviors. When Christinia was here, things were clean. As soon as she left, Caleb resorted to trashing the place incessantly. I have been trying to get him to take responsibility for his actions by cleaning up after himself. Anytime I request an action that involves cleaning up his mess, his resists. Things got loud, they got uncomfortable, but the truth about how I felt came out. I admitted that I am sick. I am not lazy, I told him. I have chronic pain and depression, and there is a difference. It's not that I don't want to clean up everyday, it's that I can't. I had to say these things, but what he sees on a daily basis is not the role model he needs to see. He can't read my mind. I actively admit when I am unable to do things to other adults, but rarely tell him how I  am feeling directly. I tried to get him to understand that I am not here to make his life harder, I am here to show him how to become a responsible adult able to take care of himself. I enlightened him that life only gets harder, and will be even harder if he continues to fight me along the way. I tried to share with him that I am his mom, and that makes me the person who cares the most about him in the whole world. I told him he would not understand what it means to be a mom, until he becomes a father.
     His body is growing faster than his mind, which is common for boys. He was already socially delayed, so I feel I have to make things extra clear to him so he can understand. He doesn't trust me. He has faced several traumas in his short life, and has not been able to heal properly. I want to help him. I told him that if he doesn't learn life skills before he moves out, no one is going to teach him. Once he goes out into the world, he will see that everyone is out for themselves. He came to me in tears and apologized. He wanted me to hug him, so I did. I think I got through to him today. I am not asking for a miracle here. It's not impossible to pick up dirty laundry and put it in the laundry room to be washed. It is not time consuming to put the trash in the trash can where it belongs. I told him, I want a clean house to relax in. Doesn't he want to be able to relax in a clean house?
     I explained that it has gotten to the point where there is not a clean space for me to put my feet when I need to walk to the bathroom. It's dangerous for me, because if I fall, I am going to hurt myself. It takes me longer to heal from injuries because of my health conditions. Does he want me to get hurt?

     Today I bought Caleb 2 pairs of shoes from Walmart, and some more socks. I just bought him a 12 pack and can't find a single pair to wash for him. He needed shoes because he has been wearing hand-me-downs that fit him improperly and end up hurting his feet, creating blisters and sores. I also kept my word about buying him shrimp flavored ramen noodles.

     I bought lots of keto-friendly vegetables, some much needed cleaning products, gallons of water for hurricane season, a variety of dark colored beans, and some other things we needed. I spent more than I thought I would, but I did not go in with the intent of buying Caleb shoes and socks. I replaced my missing forks. I buy silverware frequently as it has a tendency to disappear. Thank God it's not the "good" silverware that costs a fortune to replace.

     Overall, it was a good day. I felt productive and took advantage of my feeling ok.

     I began reading a new book, "Parenting with Scripture" by Kara Durbin. I am still reading "The Ministry of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. "The Ministry of Motherhood" is not a read from front to back book. It is going to take some time for me to finish it, as it is meant to be thought and discussion provoking. "Parenting with Scripture" is more of a reference of concordance for parents to teach their children. I will have to read the whole thing and develop a plan suitable for Caleb's needs. The first topic is anger, and we definitely need to work on Caleb's anger, so I didn't get very far.

     I want what most parents want for their child(ren), for Caleb to grow up and be able to take care of himself, stay out of trouble, and live a happy and productive life. When other people lived in my house, their needs often trumped Caleb's needs as they were more medically significant. Now, I am re-adjusting my focus back to Caleb only. Change is inevitable, and will hopefully be for the best.

     Here are the photos I chose to to share today.


     My mom and me, Christmas 2007, before I left for Korea. Georgia.


     Sherri and me. Christmas 2007. Georgia.


     Christmas 2007, before I went to Korea. Georgia. The last time all us siblings were in the same place, together. Mathew, Eric, Sherri, and me.


     My friend Paul's artwork created for me at Ft. Sam Houston, TX. 2007.


     My artwork, created at Ft. Lee, VA. 2007.


     My "I love me" notebook cover, showing what would have been my Unit if I had not gotten into trouble. 


     Our names in Hangul (the Korean written language). 


     My artwork from Ft. Sam Houston, TX. 2007


     Front of my dad's challenge coin he earned while teaching at the Special Forces language school in Ft. Bragg, NC. (front)


     Back of the my dad's challenge coin.


     Soldiers (my friends) off duty, and caring for infant Caleb, and infant Aiden (Christinia's son). Korea. 2009.


     Caleb, downtown Wilmington for St. Patrick's Day Parade and festivities.


     Caleb dressed as Spiderman.


     Caleb in front of my "Ranger" flag.


     Caleb at Hugh McRae park in Wilmington, NC. 


     Caleb on the Cape Fear River, downtown Wilmington, first boat ride. 


     Caleb and Mathew, Spring Break 2011. Visiting Mathew at work.


     Caleb and my dad at the ship docked in Wilmington, NC. USS North Carolina? 


     Caleb "driving" the boat. Wilmington, NC


     Caleb at the Greek Festival in Wilmington, NC.


     Caleb and Bella laying on the floor.


     Caleb and me at Myrtle Beach.


     My dad, Caleb, and me at Rioz Brazilian steakhouse for the first time. Myrtle Beach, SC.


     Caleb taking out the trash in skates. Wilmington, NC


     Caleb building stuff. Wilmington, NC


     Caleb all dressed up. Wilmington, NC


     Caleb at Ft. Fisher, NC. 



     Caleb at Ft. Fisher, NC/.


     Caleb at Ft. Fisher, NC.


     Caleb at Ft. Fisher, NC.


     Caleb blowing bubbles at Ft. Fisher, NC.



     Caleb at Ft. Fisher, NC.


     Caleb with his "babies". Wilmington. NC.


     Caleb at nap time. Wilmington, NC.


Caleb and me at a pier. Southport, NC?


     Caleb and my dad roller skating at Jelly Beans skating rink in Wilmington, NC.


      Caleb at the Children's Museum in Wilmington, NC.


     Caleb at Independence Mall to see the firetrucks. Wilmington, NC.


     My dad, Caleb, and me at the Battleship, Wilmington, NC.



     Caleb and my dad at Ft. Fisher, NC. 


      Mathew and Caleb, visiting Mathew at the barracks. 


  

3 comments:

  1. Can I say it again? Caleb is simply a good soul! I love that he “got it” in the end. This is your son, Jenifer. He has learned and is learning empathy and sensitivity to others from you. You are doing such a good job with him. I have an idea I’d like to share with you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Can I say it again? Caleb is simply a good soul! I love that he “got it” in the end. This is your son, Jenifer. He has learned and is learning empathy and sensitivity to others from you. You are doing such a good job with him. I have an idea I’d like to share with you.

    ReplyDelete