Wednesday, June 10, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 23

     Today's prompt is " Do you need a break? From what?" I think I could use a break from my medical conditions. I remember a time when I had energy and could stay up all day. I remember being able to do many things throughout the day, and feeling like I accomplished a lot. It's not like that anymore. I'm slow to get to get things done and I get tired quickly.

     Today I walked on the incline trainer for the second time. It was easier to do today than it was yesterday, and I did not have the same pains afterward. I started keeping track of my caloric intake on my total diet app. I figured out my basal metabolic calorie needs by using an online calculator. I have also been using an online incline trainer calories burned calculator. I created a spreadsheet to keep track of everything day by day, and now I can figure out my caloric deficit. It looks like if I eat and workout the approximately the same everyday, I should lose about a pound a week. In 16 weeks, when I have my follow up appointment with my primary care, I should have lost at least 16 pounds. Hopefully, I will have lost enough weight to no longer weigh in the 300s, just barely.
     I made tilapia fish today for the first time in years. When I lost weight before my hospitalization, I ate either chicken breast or tilapia each day with beans and fresh vegetables for dinner. It was easy and I was successful in losing weight. Of course I was also taking thermogenics and herbal supplements, and working out about 4 to 5 times for an hour throughout the week. I didn't start that way though, so I am enthusiastic about my future.
     I didn't get as much cleaning done today as I would have liked. I was sleepy and just needed to rest. Caleb doesn't allow me to sleep as much as I need. He wakes me up during my naps. I try to explain to him that he shouldn't do that because he has no idea how long I have been up during the morning. I usually wake up around 2:30 am and stay awake until 5:30 am or so, before going back to sleep. Caleb wakes me up in the morning, before I am ready to get up. He wakes me up from my naps in the afternoon.
     I received my blog2print book today! It is already coming apart at the binding/spine, so I have to be careful the pages don't come out. Other than that, I am happy with how it turned out. I plan on going over it with Caleb, together. I have already ordered the second book, as it was on sale. I think that if it comes apart, I may take the pages to be laminated so they are protected for the long term.
     I decided to not respond to my instagram requests any more. It's time consuming and not worth it.
     I am finding out that I do not have the energy to do everything I want during the day. I wanted to do the following:

meditate
walk for 30 minutes
listen to my favorite music
read a book
chair yoga
use essential oils for pain, stress, anxiety
use alpha-stim as needed
light candles, incense, and/or sage or use diffuser

     I have to pick and choose daily what I really need. I think I will walk for 30 minutes and listen to music at the same time, Monday through Friday. I try to read a book everyday. I plan on doing chair yoga and meditating on the weekends. I use essential oils every night before bed to help me relax. I have not had the need to use the alpha-stim lately. I can light candles, incense, and/or sage or use diffuser while meditating on the weekends. That way, I am not trying to do so much during the week, when I am the busiest. During the week both Caleb and I have appointments. I also work on house chores every day. It may not seem like a lot, but I do not have anywhere near the energy I had when I was younger. Besides, housecleaning is a never ending chore that I never catch up on. It can be draining.
     I have given up on the idea of completing training for doTerra. I have given up on the idea that I can make money at all. I just don't have the time or energy needed. There's not enough time during the day to do everything I want. It's kind of depressing to be honest.
     So, if I successfully lose 1 pound a week, I can lose 52 pounds in a year. That's a lot! I hope I don't give up. I hope I continue a program to get back to a healthy weight. A lot of my problems are derived from my weight gain. I did not have diabetes until November or December 2019. It was largely due to my weight. I am genetically pre-disposed to getting diabetes too. My blood pressure is also high. I have chronic inflammation and constipation. So, that being said, I hope to rid myself of these problems by returning to a healthy weight.
     I am taking the Lifelong Vitality pack of supplements from doTerra. I wanted to give it a try to see if it made a difference compared to taking my regular one-a-day vitamin. I can't tell the difference. I know the doTerra supplements are a better source of nutrients, but they are also expensive, and I can't afford to continue to take them beyond this pack.
     When Christinia was here, I was going to participate in Wounded Warrior Project events because she was going to take care of the kids and Bella while I was gone. I now have no one to do that. I have recently been contacted by Wounded Warrior Project for their Project Odyssey program. I would like to go but I don't have a support system here to be able to be gone for a week. It's an all-expenses paid program for disabled veterans. I was going to go in April, because I could have brought Caleb to Rachel's house and not been far away from them. I would have to pay to put Bella in pet camp, and that is expensive. I had to cancel because I did not have the money since my freezer broke, my air conditioner was malfunctioning, my toilet was running, I had to get new tires for the Mazda to pass inspection... the list goes on. Anyway, I was short on money after trying to take care of all these things. Then the corona virus hit and the gathering was cancelled anyway. So now, they are re-opening now that gatherings are being allowed again.
     As you know, I graduated from the WoVen women veterans' group. I requested that we stay in contact. I can always use more friends who understand where I am coming from. We met on Monday online and it was a good time. I am waiting to hear about my application for becoming a leader in WoVen. I want to be a part of keeping women veterans together. We go through a lot that we don't talk about, as a group. I can contribute to their group online, where the local DAV and VFW require in-person meetings to participate. I am a life long member of both the DAV and VFW where women are a minority. I want my experiences to make a difference. I want my life to make a difference. I hate that I have to focus on myself and/or Caleb so much. The world is so much bigger than us. If I don't do it, though, no one will. I have to take care of our needs, because no one else cares enough to help. Thank God for my Aunt Lisa, though. She has been a life saver. She makes sure we are getting food in the house on a regular basis. I can't thank her enough. One day I will be able to return the favor somehow.
     When my Aunt Lisa ordered a 25lbs. bag of rice for us, she had no idea how that would impact me. I have been struggling with food insecurity since Christinia left. Having that bag of rice here ensures that we will not be going hungry any time soon. I am able to relax more than before, because I am not constantly worried that we will not be able to afford enough food for the month. Caleb is growing and eating more these days, and I have gained weight over the years because eating was a competitive sport when my dad and Sharon were here. Seriously, I have issues about food insecurity. I don't want to be hungry all the time. I gain good feelings from eating. I don't want to compete at meal time for food. I am healing from that now that I am in charge of buying my groceries for meals, and cooking meals, and serving meals. I have been able to adjust my diet as needed without having to fight anyone about it. I can now eat fish or other seafood as I want, without arguments. I can eat the keto vegetables I want and need, without having to cook potatoes, rice, pasta, or providing bread to  other people. Caleb eats those foods on a regular basis, but it is not when I am eating my meals, in particular dinner. Dinner is my biggest meal, and the only meal I cook all day. Caleb is learning to prepare his own food, so that 1) he is more self-reliant , 2) I don't have to be constantly tempted by foods I know are bad for diabetics, and 3) he can eat as he gets hungry, and not just when I make food. 
     I know it is only the second week of Summer vacation, but I already am not looking forward to things going back to normal. I spend so much time driving to appointments, and since the stay-at-home order, I have been able to do all appointments online or by phone, saving hours and hours of driving.
     I am hoping to have my house in a welcoming state by the time Rachel comes to visit. I am working on it daily, but am not doing as much as I wish I could. It's just a lot of work because I am so far behind. Caleb took apart my Army stash I had stored in the guest room closet. It had my uniforms and gear in there. Now the stuff is spread all over the house. I have to collect everything and secure it in the shed, so he can't access it anymore. He loves to wear my ACUs, but I want him to stop. One day, if he chooses, he will have a uniform of his own.
     Let's see what photos I have for today!


     Bella. She's such a sweet girl. She loves me, she really does. When I was really depressed, she cuddled with me on the couch everyday and every night. Between Caleb and Bella, they were my only reasons for living and waking up. She may not technically be a therapy dog, but she is in my house. Oak Island, NC. 


     The day we picked Bella up to take home. She is with her previous care taker in this photo. National Guard close to Fort Fisher, NC.


     We brought Bella to visit her previous family after adopting her. They missed her so much. Wilmington, NC.


     My Pepere, Mom, her husband, Kenneth, and my Granny at my mom's wedding. This was the last time I was in the same place as my Granny and Pepere. Caleb got to meet them for the first time. Georgia.


     Mathew showing Bella some love. Sanford, NC.


     Mathew and me with our first pair of skates. I had Popples skates and he had GI Joe skates. Spring Lake, NC.


     I'm not sure when this photo was taken, but I think it was when I visited the Summer of 2013, the last time I was with both my grandpa and grandma de Mello. New Jersey. This was the first time Caleb met them. Sadly, my grandma de Mello passed away last Fall.


     Mathew at Mac's Diner in Aberdeen, NC. I think this may have before he enlisted in the Army.


     Me. Wilmington, NC.


     Me. Wilmington, NC.


     Me. Ranger flag in the background! Wilmington, NC.


     Me. I was wearing clothes I bought from Maurices. It was the first time wearing clothes that were not from Roaman's and actually looked good. I felt better as I was wearing clothes for women my age. Oak Island, NC.


     Me. Wilmington, NC.


     Me. Wilmington, NC.


     Me at UNCW. Wilmington, NC.


     My Bible study friends Toni and Janet, and me. Oak Island, NC.


     Me rocking a mohawk! Oak Island, NC.


     Me at a local restaurant on the water in Southport, NC.


     Me at the beach. Oak Island, NC.


     Me wearing one of my favorite "dress up" outfits. Wilmington, NC.


     I didn't grow up knowing how to be feminine. I grew up being raised by my dad, who knew nothing about raising a girl. This is me being comfortable in my own skin and in a dress. Wilmington, NC.


     I took pictures of me wearing dresses because it's never really happened before. I very rarely had a dress to wear growing up. This marked a major milestone in both my becoming myself and also marked my weight loss. Wilmington, NC.


     Taking a "before" photo to be able to see the difference once I lost weight. This was taken a while ago, and I need to take one new one now that I am on a new weight loss journey. My body changed so much seemingly so quickly due to depression caused by having my son taken away. I never fully recovered from it. I am damaged for the rest of my life because of it. I spent years just eating and sleeping, and doing very little else. Caleb is the only reason I keep trying. He is generally such a happy kid. If it weren't for getting him back, I might have committed suicide. Oak Island, NC.


     I still have this dress, and want to be able to wear it again one day. Wilmington, NC.


     I was covering using a special fabric designed to reduce EMFs. I was curious to see if it made a significant change in how I felt. It didn't. Also, I only had one small tv, a laptop, and a cell phone at the time. I lived with Caleb who was maybe 3 years old at the time. I miss looking like this, but I realize I will never look like this again. I am much older now, and I have aged a lot from health conditions and stress. I feel like I am moving in the right direction to improve my overall health. Wilmington, NC. 



   

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