Today Caleb and I woke up at 0230. He asked me to stay awake with him. I wasn't sleepy, so I got up. I did not feel like I slept deeply at all, all night. He is talkative this morning. It's hard to do my morning routine when he gets up this early. He likes to watch loud youtube videos on the tv. The gamers like to be yelling and screaming while they play the video games. I hate that.
Yesterday I spent hours on the phone with my dad talking about how things went in the Army. Dad went over some history of the wars I was asking about too. Mostly we told our Army stories to each other. Dad got off the phone when Dona Sharon needed him for something. Then Caleb and I went to Food Lion to buy some aloe for his sunburn. I also restocked my gallons of water and propel. Caleb bought some frozen foods to feed himself dinner. Traffic was horrible. I almost could not pull out of the parking lot to go home! Labor Day weekend traffic at the beach. I was glad to get back home.
I took a short nap, and got up when my alarm to give Caleb his afternoon medication went off. I have been trying to get Caleb to pick up the stuff in the hallway for days now. He keeps postponing it, and it was driving me nuts. I finally lost my shit and yelled at him, after grounding him, and almost getting up to take his new computer away. He finally surrendered and started working. Finally. Damn! I told him to use the rake to pull the things into a pile, and pick it up, and throw it away. There were pieces of paper that Bubba tore up everywhere. I was trying to make it easy to clean up. This boy had an excuse for every step of the way! OMG "I can't find the rake!" "I broke the rake!" "It will take too long to pick it up by hand!" "I don't know where the shop vac is!" "The shop vac isn't working!" Man! I thought I would never get my hallway prepped for carpet cleaning! Eventually he got it done though. Finally.
I was sore again and did not want to cook dinner. I needed to eat something because I hardly ate all day long. I eventually washed some dishes and just cooked a steak in the frying pan. I did not want to stand at the grill in the heat. I thought about making a salad instead, but was too tired.
I have already listened to Unlimited Abundance number 11 track and the "Enlightenment and Awakening" track this morning. I am now listening to the Lightbody Activation, but I am not going to be actively participating in it today. I can't pay that kind of attention with both the dogs out, and Caleb up watching his videos on the tv. There is just too much going on.
He lost his ear buds, or I would tell him to put them in.
Today is Labor Day.
I am hoping to stay home, but I might need to go replace the shop vac at Lowe's or Walmart. I am still getting laundry washed. I want to clean the carpet in the hallway today. I need to watch the video for this week's assignment to know what we are doing this week. I have the zoom group meeting with Coach Brandi and Coach Nick and others tonight. I think it is still scheduled. I need to double check with Coach Brandi.
It is now 0403, and Caleb is curled up in his blanket on the kitchen floor sleeping with Bubba. It's too early for all that energy he naturally has. It takes me a few hours to wake up and be ready for him. I like to do all these meditations and stuff to start my day off quietly. He is very active, talkative, and loud. It can be draining to me.
The laundry room is getting more cleared up with every day that I do laundry. I don't know how I fell so behind. I guess having all those sick days last week would be the answer to that question. I want to get caught up on all the laundry and then clean the floor back there. It's a nasty mess right now, but better than what it was when I first started.
I can't wait to have my house fully cleaned up the way I want it! I'm working as hard as I can to get things done. My health problems get in the way often.
This meditation, although I am not giving it my full attention, feels good.
Tomorrow I have a morning video call with my psychiatrist. I am not looking forward to that call. For whatever reason she wrongly believes that I can't have Autism. Autism is a spectrum. I am high-functioning, but I do have Autism. It's frustrating because how can I trust her now, that her perception of me is wrong? Anyway, the VA psych eval says I have a health-specific anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I need an anxiety medication that I can take that will not make me tired. I have stopped taking hydroxyzine all together. I have not been taking my trazodone either. I want to feel awake in the morning. I just need a good night's sleep. I don't know what to do about it. I can't be walking around like a zombie for the rest of my life.
I am looking forward to hearing from my new primary care doctor in regards to the secure message I sent the other day about my fibromyalgia. I hope she is more helpful than my old primary care doctor.
I have found that I am more "regular" with 6 psyllium husk capsules in the morning and 6 capsules in the evening, without that pain I was having, so I am not taking the prescribed medication I was sent for my Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Wednesday I have my one-on-one call with Coach Brandi. Caleb has his psychiatrist appointment in the afternoon. We have really cut down on appointments! That's all we have going on as far as medical appointments. Of course, I still have homework to do for my class. Caleb will be starting to work in his books tomorrow. I will be happy once we get into a routine that works for both of us and get into a groove, a rhythm.
I don't think Caleb knows how much pain I suffer when I say "I am tired." Yes, I am tired, but I am tired because I have been in pain for awhile and need to rest. I explained that to him yesterday so he would understand me better. Fibromyalgia sucks! It drains the life out of me.
I am listening to Erica's August tele-call again. It's refreshing. It makes me feel good. Caleb and both dogs are resting close to me. Caleb is bundled up in his blanket with Bubba sleeping at his feet on the kitchen floor. Bella is curled up closer to me on the floor by my feet. I am just listening to this audio and typing whatever comes to mind. Caleb's videos have shut off, so I can relax now. Those videos are loud and I just can't this early in the morning.
It is now 0431. I am feeling ok. I am not in pain this morning. My back was hurting a little bit when I got out of bed this morning, but not as much as yesterday. I think it might be time to turn my mattress around. I will need Caleb's help to do that. We will probably do it when the mattress encasement arrives and we remove the old one.
I'm just hanging out in front of my computer and listening to Erica Rock's voice. It's nice and quiet now that everybody is back asleep. I might need to rest after this audio. It's an hour long.
I wonder how long it will take to get feedback from my professor about the Literature Analysis worksheet I submitted a few days ago. I hope I made a good grade.
I have not been working on my other projects lately. I have not had the energy to do my minimum, so... there's that. I have classes at Natura Institue that I started some weeks ago that I haven't touched. I have the Magdalene Rose Academy classes too. I bet I would be more receptive to the meditations now that I have been listening to Erica's tracks. I might have to get ear buds so I can listen to the audio tracks before I fall asleep. I am still a member to Kain Ramsey's school, but have not opened any of the new classes lately. There is just so much I want to learn!
I have the yoga app that I paid an annual subscription for that I have not used yet. I also bought a Qi-gong app that I wanted to try that I haven't opened yet. I have binaural beats that I haven't used in forever, and other meditation apps. I bought the app called "Calm" in the hopes that I could use it to retrain my brain to not be so full of anxiety all day.
I never got to the next section of the Autism book. I will probably get to that tomorrow. I have a library of books that I want to read, but it seems like the only time I can read is when I'm on the toilet. Right now I am reading "Emotional Inflammation" when I'm in the bathroom.
Just trying to manage this household is exhausting. I am trying to take better care of myself, but I am failing. I need to take a shower, but don't want to shower before I get the carpet in the hallway clean.
I just ordered more e-juice. I am not going to be able to quit any time soon. I have too much anxiety I deal with, and vaping doesn't help me. I wish I had something I could use that would help me.
I bought a new shop vac from amazon. I got us some new ear buds too. I also bought Caleb earrings since the has been wanting to wear them lately. He lost the pair he was wearing.
I am still listening to Erica's tele-call from August. LOL I'm just taking it in passively.
Everybody is still asleep. I think I move us all to the bed once I am done here.
I told Caleb yesterday how we need to be grateful for what we have, thankful. I listed the things we should be thankful for to get him thinking in the right direction. He was falling asleep to my voice by that time, but I was just going on. He fell asleep with his head on my side last night. We slept that way for hours.
I feel disconnected a lot. I want to feel the good things, but I feel numb. I want to feel the love between Caleb and me when we cuddle like that. I can't feel it in my heart. I am grateful for my Caleb. It's hard to be a single parent. I have to play the roles of two people all the time. I am only one person. It's exhausting to have so much responsibility all the time. I love my son though. I love my dogs. I am grateful for the home we have. I am thankful for having electricity and air conditioning for sure. I am thankful for wi-fi and computers and the internet. I could go on and on. It's getting closer to Thanksgiving. We use to say what we were thankful for before digging into Thanksgiving dinner.
It is now 0519. I wonder if my dad is awake. Hehehehe. Maybe I should call. LOL Wakey wakey!
Just a few more minutes and this track will be over. I think I'm going to rest a bit before getting back up to work. I already took my medications, so that's out of the way. I'm going to gather the troops and head to bed when this is done. Be blessed my readers!
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