New Start Day 54

     It is now 0238 and I have already taken my medications. I am listening to the September tele-call replay that I missed on the 22nd with Erica Rock. 

    Yesterday was not a very productive day. I never even got around to brushing my hair, which is how I start the day. I was sore and achy all day. I had pain all over my body. All I wanted to do was get into the bed and stay there to sleep. In the morning I managed to get some organizing done. I was looking for a spreadsheet that I know I printed out, but I could not find it. I thought maybe I put it in with all my other papers. I never found it, so I just printed out another one. I ended up sorting through my schoolwork and research papers, and bills and all the papers and comments I keep around my workspace. It was brain work, and drained me. I was looking for the spreadsheet because I wanted to review next month's budget. We pay a huge electricity bill in the hottest months of the year to keep the house cool enough for me. As the temperatures fall, the bill decreases, but man! That bill last month was too much! I wish I could afford solar panels, but I can't. I don't qualify for the tax benefits that are being used to sell solar panels right now, because I don't make enough money to pay taxes. 

    I was thinking about telling Caleb that Christmas will be without presents this year. I am thinking it over. His birthday is on New Year's Eve. It's a double whammy on my budget. I just hope I can figure something out before then. I am working on trying to generate passive income. I hope I will get where I need to be soon financially. Right now I am making too much to qualify for food stamps, but I also do not make enough to cover all of our food costs. There is just alot of pressure to find solutions and make them happen. 

    I remain grateful for everything I have. I do know that things could be worse. I also know that I have worked hard for everything I have, and it was not simply given to me. 

    Caleb made his first meal using raw meat yesterday morning. He thawed out some ground beef that was in the freezer and cooked it to his liking successfully. I am so proud of him. I am watching him grow, and it is an amazing thing.

    Caleb was in charge of washing laundry yesterday too. He got his blanket washed finally. He continued with 2 more loads of clothes. 

    Caleb dumped the overfilling trash can for me so I could make dinner. I cooked the whole chicken in the crockpot yesterday for dinner, but when it came time to eat, did not want to eat. 

    Later on in the evening I ordered Domino's pizzas for us with the chocolate volcano cakes. I know it's not part of my diet to have pizza or cake, but it's been so long since I have had any real sugar. I just wanted to have some hot chocolatey cake. 

    I wasn't feeling well after I took my medications last night, and went to lay down early. I placed my hand on my heart and solar plexus and began to think to myself that "I love myself." The thoughts grew from there to "I love me," "I love Jennifer Lynn de Mello," "I love who I am." The list went on like that for a long time. I had alot of repetitions too. I was just reinforcing the idea that I love myself as I am. I also forgave myself for my past. Doing this helped to calm my nervous system down so I could relax my body and feel less pain. It was amazing. 

    I was awarded a settlement in the TurboTax case. I completely forgot that I was a part of that. It's been ongoing for at least a year now. I am trying to get involved in the Tylenol case for mothers of children with Autism. I had alot of back pains when I was pregnant with Caleb. 

    Trump was in Wilmington last night. I made a joke to my dad that he better get on the road to see him. My dad and I hate Trump.

    It is Saturday today, thank God. I will be taking Caleb to the Civil Air Patrol (CAP) open house at the Oak Island airport today. I need to go to Walmart to restock drinks too. 

    Yesterday I was scheduled to take Bubba and Bella to the vet to have their nails trimmed. I called and rescheduled for next because I felt like shit. 

    I hope today is a better day for me. I thought about taking a shower to feel better yesterday, but I never made it. Hopefully I can take one today and feel better.

    Caleb just woke up.

    I am sitting in silence right now. I am taking in the meditation feelings of light that I just received from the September tele-call. 

    The hoodie I bought for Caleb should be here today. I got my leggings delivered yesterday. I am expecting a delivery from the VA too.

    I told my dad the story of when I was pregnant with Caleb and what happened at work one day. I was at work like usual. By that time I had a belly showing. I was very much pregnant. I was standing in S-4 and was going to talk to my NCOIC about something I was working on when he asks me, "What do you have behind your head?" I was confused. What kind of question is that? I was standing there in my pregnancy ACU's and completely within regulation. "What?" I asked because of my confusion. "Do you have a light behind your head?" Still confused I responded "No." I was trying to understand what he was getting at. "You have a light around your head," he said. "It looks light you have a flashlight behind your head." I did not have anything behind my head. My hands were visibly in front of me. I turned around so he could see that I had not put anything around my head. My hair was in a bun with nothing in it. I don't think he came out and said it, but he was telling me that I had a halo! It took me awhile to figure that out. I just wanted to share with my dad because it is just one of the stories that are more interesting to think about from when I was pregnant with Caleb. 

    Just a list of the things I am repeating to myself in silent meditation:

"I love myself.

I love me.

I love Jennifer Lynn de Mello.

I love my body.

I love my soul.

I love my essence.

I love my light.

I love my energy.

I love my heart.

I love my mind.

I love who I am.

I love who I am becoming.

I forgive myself.

I forgive my past.

I wholeheartedly love myself."

    It is now 0404. I am almost ready to go back to bed. I will complete my morning routines when I get back up. I want to call my dad, but it is too early to call him.

    Be blessed my readers!

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